More, More, More

I continue to be introspective. Who needs a therapist?

I have realized that I am very hard to satisfy. I always want more.

If I have a cupcake, I want two. Or four. Or nine. If I buy a dress, I want shoes. If I drink a Diet Coke, I need a refill. If I start watching a TV show, I need to watch six episodes. If I lose two pounds, I wish I had lost three. If my night is amazing, I never want it to end. If I'm drunk, I want to be drunker, if I'm high, higher, happy, happier, sad, sadder. I can never get enough.

I think this is why I let myself get sucked into these weeks of depression. If I'm going to be sad and self-destructive, I might as well go all out and be as terrible as I can possibly be. I can't just mess up once, I have to fuck up so royally, create such a clusterfuck of awful that it's nearly impossible to pull myself back up.

And it's hard for me to be in the moment. I'm always thinking towards the next thing, what's coming up, what do I have to do or change or be. Even in moments of pure entertainment or pure relaxation, I find my mind moving towards what comes later, even if it's not something I look forward to.

The future is always in the back of my mind.

There could always be more.

I don't know why I'm like this. It manifests itself it good ways, sure, but in so many negative ones too. I need to find out why I'm so hard to please, why I'm always sure that more is better, that more will make me happier. I know it won't. I know that consciously. But it doesn't really help.

These are just my thoughts. I'm going to chew on them a bit.

Tasty.

My Superpower Returns

A few months ago, I shared stories of my superpower with you all. It's not the most useful superpower. I cannot summon it on command. But occasionally, it does come in handy.

Like last night, for example.

I had just crawled into bed, a little later than usual, after I finished watching a romance-focused episode of "Bones". (Sidenote: I know he's a douche in real life but I do LOVE me some David Boreanaz.) I had boys on the brain, so naturally, my thoughts drifted to the last boy I dated, the much maligned Ginger.

And my phone went off.

My brain instantly said, "Ginger?! No, don't be a fucking idiot, it's your BFF." (We had been texting all night.)

So I check my phone.

AND LO AND BEHOLD.

It was a much appreciated, sincere apology from the Ginger. He said he'd been wanting to say sorry to me but kept thinking it was too late. Of course, it's never too late for an apology, so I am so glad he put on his big boy pants and got in touch. I now have closure.

And the fact that he realized, acknowledged, and apologized for his dickishness makes me feel like maybe I wasn't completely wrong about him as a person. Stupid and immature, yes, but not evil-hearted. So that's nice. And getting an apology after this long validates all my bitching and bad feelings, because clearly he has been dwelling on how he treated me. It's always nice to know someone has been thinking about you.

So, my list of expected apologies is back down to one. I don't expect to ever get that one, though. If I did, it would go something like this:

"Sorry I cheated on you and then knocked her up and married her..."

That would just be awkward.

Santa Barbara Love

Sometimes I hate going to Santa Barbara.

Only because I get so sad when I have to leave again. There may have been a few tears on the drive home.

I had an absolutely glorious weekend, a much needed mini-vacation from the stifling stress of Los Angeles. The second I step out of my car when I arrive at my parents' house, I instantly feel a wave of peacefulness wash over me. Salt in the air, a chill in the breeze, people I love...

Paradise.

I always think about moving back. Not yet, not right now, but maybe someday. 

View from my parents' balcony. Yeah, that's the ocean. SUCK IT.

Friday night I enjoyed dinner with my parents, and then spent some time hanging out and chatting at the BFF's adorable little house. The next day I had a glorious facial (I'm glowing like a pregnant woman), lunch with my mama, then shopping with my two besties. Stayed within my self-designated budget and ended up with a dress and a shirt from Marshalls, and two pairs of flats, a necklace and a bracelet from Forever 21. My mama then made dinner for me and my concert buddy, a delicious healthy meal eaten out on the back patio in the gorgeous warm evening weather, and we spent some time appreciating the adorableness of my parents' pup.

LOOK AT THAT FACE.

Then we went to the incredibly epic Gotye concert, which was a magical experience. He is so insanely talented. And hot. I want to have his Belgian Australian babies. Then BFF and I impulsively walked downtown, and really, Santa Barbara at night is just a stunningly beautiful sight.

Santa Barbara Courthouse

We planned to just have a single beer at our favorite pub, but we ended up meeting a bachelor party full of lawyers. Which is basically standard operating procedure for us at this point. I swear, every time she and I go out, we end up chatting with a bachelor party, or lawyers, or both. Apparently S.O.P. is also that the cute, successful guy from LA that flirts with me will always be married. Harrumph. (He hid his left hand under the table for the first hour of conversation. Sneaky ringed bastard leading me on.) Oh, and one of the guys told me that I look like Minka Kelly, which is just about the nicest bullshit I've ever heard. We closed the bar down, then went back to her place and sat under the stars, wishing on those that fell and talking about life. We're very deep.

Sunday was spent with my mother, and I count my blessings (non-religious connotation) every day that I have such an amazing relationship with her. We just had a fabulously fun day. We had lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara, Los Agaves on Milpas, and then...there was more shopping. A lot of shopping. There are holes in my wardrobe, okay?! It was necessary! I needed things! LOTS OF THINGS. Boots, work shirts, a maxi dress, pants, a blazer for future interviews, workout tank...I worship at the altar of consumerism. And now I'm poor...though of course, my generous mother did help. And also, my BFF (she really needs a blog nickname) gave me a few hand-me-downs! I now have a goal pair of jeans (they WILL fit soon), a pleather jacket, and a lace top that I always coveted. 

After shopping Mama and I had dinner and chatted until I finally dragged myself to my car to drive home. It was a lightning-quick journey, luckily, and I was back to LA by bedtime. 

I have been trying to limit my visits to Santa Barbara, for a few reasons. Gas is one (SO EXPENSIVE). And I don't like leaving my kitty. But mostly, I feel like I live in LA, so I should try to form a life here and come up with things to do on the weekends. But the vast majority of the time my weekends are spent entirely alone, unless you count Mr. Tree. And I always have such an amazing time when I visit SB. So why try to restrict myself based on some idea I have of what I should be doing? Why not just do what makes me happy, since that's my life focus right now?

And Santa Barbara is happiness. 

Concert Style

• Top by D'Mure
• Jeans by Express
• Beetle ring by Guess
• Rhinestone bracelet by Forever 21
• Jewel necklace by Forever 21
• Leopard Flats by Forever 21

"And I could not love, 'cause I could not love myself..."

Chairlift

Gotye

Every song was accompanied by amazing
animated videos.  

Somebody loves me.

My little Bentley was throwing a fit this morning, for no reason that I could see. Meooowing and whiiiining and fussssssing.

Per usual, I decided to punish him with love. He likes to pretend my affections are ruining his life.

So I snatched him up, squeezed him tight, and expected him to pull away from me with his customary look of total disdain.

Instead, he completely melted into me, buried his face in my neck, and sighed.

Aww.

Also, he recognizes the sound of my car, and starts crying before I even open my car door.

It's so nice to feel loved.

Quote of the Day

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am 

learning how to sail my ship." 

-Louisa May Alcott

Positivity

For the first time in a long time, I feel the shiny spark of a good mood in my soul.

I will not complain anymore, no! I will embrace this beautiful world, and smile, and know that life could be so much worse.

Today's good things:

*Summer rain. I LOVE SUMMER RAIN. So cleansing.

*I successfully resisted the spread of unhealthy carbalicious Thai food available for Wednesday work lunch, and filled up on proteins (mmm garlic chicken) and salad. I'm unreasonably proud of myself. I fucking love Thai food.

*My bank account currently ends in .00. It's the little things. And it's incentive not to spend money.

*I heard back from one of my applications yesterday and had to complete an online assessment. Pretty sure I aced it. I would rock this job! Good vibes, please.

*I also successfully avoided the temptation of delicious Corner Bakery desserts. Their sugar cookies are criminally good. Last week I ate five. Today, NONE.

*Bonding.

*This song makes me feel happy feelings.

*It's basically Thursday which means tomorrow is Friday...

*And on Saturday, I am going to see Gotye at the Santa Barbara Bowl with one of my absolute favorite people in the world. I expect it to be a magical night. Wheeee!

Failure to Launch

Yeah, see below? That 30 Day Shred Challenge thing?

Fuck that. I fail.

I did it the first day, and it sucked. Not because my body couldn't handle it, but because my mind couldn't. It made me agitated, and cranky. When I tried to do it the second day, something inside me snapped, and I completely burst into tears, threw my sneakers at the wall, and then sat on my ass the entirety of a three day weekend, and moped. And ate.

I don't fucking know, dude. Don't ask me.

I just needed to be in my cave. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to blog, or go to yoga, or run errands, I didn't want to do anything. I sat. I cried intermittently. I avoided the phone. I made pancakes. I tried to figure out what the hell has gone wrong in my brain.

I have emerged from my cave. I sort of feel better. Thus far today, you know, in the two hours I've been awake, I haven't cried or eaten anything terrible. Progress.

I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Even though I've been "off plan" for a few weeks now, I've spent the entirety of that time beating myself up about it. Criticizing myself. Calling myself names. Tying my emotional state to my physical one. Not seeing myself as I am. Trying to force myself to do things I don't want to do.

Apparently, I really really don't want to do 30 Day Shred.

So I'm giving myself permission not to, for now. My new life philosophy, if it doesn't make me happy, I'm not doing it. (Unless I, you know...have to. Work. Blech.) I need to get back to yoga. I need to focus on getting my good habits back, on cooking and planning and eating well. I need to start proactively making changes in my life instead of just bitching about what I don't have. (I applied to four jobs yesterday! Yay!)

My one success is that I haven't weighed myself since Saturday. But considering what I've put in my body since then, I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

Is there an actual reset button somewhere that I could hit? Maybe punching myself in the nose?

Okay, seriously guys. This time. I'm back.

No-Scale September Shred Challenge

Standard Weight Watchers protocol is to weigh yourself just once a week, same time same place. It keeps you from obsessing, it teaches you to disassociate your good habits from a number on a scale, it shows your overall progress without room for flukes and fluctuations. So once a week, you step on your scale and log that number, and you're done.

Well, I don't do that.

I'm a daily weigher. More than that, I'm a multiple-times-daily weigher. Pretty much whenever I go into my bathroom, I step on my scale. (Taylor brand. It seemed apropos.) I like seeing how different things like exercise or food affect the number, I like when my lighter morning weight becomes my evening weight, I like seeing the overall downward trends and how sushi makes me temporarily fat. (It's the sodium, yo.) I like keeping myself on track by reminding myself of where I'm at. Also, I just like confirmation of the number. The more times I see it, the more real it is.

I used to have a very bad scale problem. My emotional well-being was tied directly to the number on the screen, and my dieting would be completely thrown off by a random gain or unexpected loss. "Oh, I've gained weight, obviously I will always be fat so let's EAT!" or "Oh, I've lost weight, that means I can EAT!" Basically, everything was a reason to EAT.

Since starting WW again in January, I've really had a pretty good handle on my scale obsession. Fluctuations didn't bother me, I just liked keeping an eye on my daily progress. But my recent downward spiral has caused my bad habits to resurface again. I have been frustrated. The number on the scale has been taunting me.

The last few weeks, I've tried putting my scale away in my closet, intending to only pull it out on Wednesdays. That hasn't totally worked out. The scale calls to me, whispers little threats from inside the box of hats on my top shelf. "Take me out...you know you want to...WHAT IF YOU'RE FAT AGAIN!?"

So, I had a thought. Maybe I should put my scale away for a WHOLE MONTH. And see what happens.

Then, that thought grew.

I have avoid weight training or changing up my exercise in any real way because I dread the plateau. I know it's very common to see your weight increase as you start using new muscles, breaking them down, building them up. And even though I know any gains would be a result of toning, and my body would be improving, I still didn't really want to deal with it. Silly, I know. I've been planning to tackle Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, but I was petrified that it might derail my mental state. But, my mental state is already pretty derailed.

SO!

In September, my scale is going to remain locked in the trunk of my car, Marilyn the Jetta. She will guard it bravely. And every single damn day in September, I am going to do the 30 Day Shred DVD. (Okay, wait, maybe that's too lofty of a goal. I'll give myself five skip days for the month? That seems fair. Setting myself up for failure is always a bad idea.) In addition, I'll still be going to yoga at least 3x a week.

This challenge has a number of desired outcomes:

1) I'll prove I can stick with healthy habits without the positive reinforcement of weekly losses.
2) I will challenge myself to shake up my exercise routine and push my body to new limits.
3) I'll learn to gauge my progress by what I see and how I feel, not some arbitrary number.
4) My self-control will be tested in multiple ways and I'll show myself that I am stronger than my impulses.

I did today's workout already, and I'm...well, pretty unenthusiastic about this self-challenge now that it's actually begun. I've done 30 Day Shred Before, I know how it goes, and today I was just...so. Fucking. BORED. Hopefully I can come up with ways to make it exciting and fun for myself, because I will succeed!

LET'S DO IT.