Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

I feel as though after this long my first real post back in the blogging game should appear with a great big BANG. It should be hilarious or touching or inspiring or any combination of all these things and should most definitely be worth the wait.

The six month wait.

Yes indeed, my last real post (excluding the impromptu announcement two weeks ago intended to force my hands...to type) was six months ago to the day.

A lot has changed in those months.

I'm still me, of course. Bentley's still here. I'm still single in LA, still at the new job (which I guess isn't so new now), still full of feels, still spending inordinate amounts of time in bed. I'm still as mixed up as ever.

But aren't we all?

God, I hope so.

If not then I am well and truly fucked.

Ways In Which Taylor's Life Has Changed

1. We'll start with the good: I moved out of my little studio for one (plus cat) and into a lovely apartment with a friend of a friend, who is now my friend. Funny how that works. It's nice having another person around, and she's a yogini too.
2. But I haven't actually gone to yoga in months. Months. So I guess "too" is unnecessary.
3. Also I completely abandoned any sort of counting of points or calories or bites of bread.
4. I've gained, oh, about 80 pounds from my lowest. So you know, there's that.

Okay, I guess not a ton has changed. Just some important stuff. Like, you know, the whole premise of this blog and my life's purpose for the past two years. 

So, yeah. No big bang post here. Just some pathetic little whimpers as I try to get my shit together.

Hi.

I'll be back. 

*peek*

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I'm the WORST.

As the Biff said, how can she stalk me when I never post?! Only ten posts in October? Pathetic.

Fail.

I just haven't felt any creativity lately. Which is silly, because half this blog isn't creative at all, it's just nonsense. And I should be able to do nonsense. I am nonsensical.

So you know...hi! What's up? How's life? Any stories?

I have stories.

Let's break it down.

Job

I LOVE MY NEW JOB! I was so, so scared before starting, afraid I was jumping in to something I wasn't ready for, afraid I wasn't smart enough, afraid I'd fail, just afraid. But apparently I'm pretty awesome at it, because they set me free to work on my own by the end of the week. Weeeeeee! Everyone is super nice, the offices are lovely, and I actually feel useful. It's amazing how fast the day flies when a) you're constantly busy and b) you're done at 4pm. It's like magic. So yeah, super stoked on the new gig. Go. Me.

Boys

Well, things are not as fabulous in my love life as they are in my work life, but we can't have it all, right? RIGHT?! (Please be to not comment if everything in your life is awesome, yes? Yes.) I had lunch with Vegas last weekend, and it was lovely, but I don't really get the vibe that he's all that interested in like...dating. He's a busy Phd student, it's fine, I still love the fact that we actually hung out after we met that one crazy night, and I'd see him again if he asked. But I'm not holding my breath. As for Nicknameless, I don't think I have to work very hard on giving him a nickname, 'cause I just have this inkling that he's over it. I have barely heard from him this week, and my last invitation to hang was brushed aside with a "oh, very busy, maybe later" text. I'm a little sad, but what can you do? If he doesn't see that I'm FUCKING AWESOME, then I don't need him in my life.

Health

Well, I've been going to yoga! I could complain that I should be going more, but something is...something, right? I really do feel so much better when I have a consistent practice going. As for my diet...not so much. I mean, I'm not totally in binge mode. So that's good. But I'm making poor choices, and going with whatever's easiest, and I'm feeling rather....grotesque. When I'm at yoga, it's hard to shut off the part of my brain that notices how different things feel now that I'm bigger again, and how I look in the mirror. But baby steps, right? RIGHT?! I'll get back to my good habits eventually, and for now I just want to concentrate on yoga, and not what I'm putting in my mouth. 

Happiness

I'm trying. I'm really trying to let everything good in my life be my focus, and trying so hard not to let the darkness in. But it's hard. I feel like there are two parts of me, the part that is living an amazing life right now and knows it, the part that is making friends and making changes (however small) and moving forward, and that part knows I should be happy. But then there's the other part of me that just...can't be, the part that berates myself for my flaws and failures, the part that doesn't want to leave my apartment, the part that needs to be medicated. Heavily. The part that thinks I'm worthless. But...I'm trying. 

And that's what matters.

Back In The Saddle

Whelp, here we are.

It is October 1st.

Another month. Another chance to start again.

Let's just put it out there: I weigh 162 pounds. I have gained 20 since my lowest. I have not exercised in...awhile.

And I am not happy.

It would be one thing if this was just my normal weight and I was living a lifestyle where I was nourishing my body and taking care of it and exercising and loving myself and all that good stuff. Because I don't look bad. Much?

But I am not taking care of myself. I am not nourishing. I am not loving myself. I am abusing. And this is no good.

So...I just have to DO IT. I have to make healthy choices. I have to track my food. I have to put in the effort to take care of my body, and make changes, and move forward. Otherwise this will just keep getting worse.

I'm going back to basics. But I'm not going back to overwhelming myself with insurmountable goals and challenges. I'm not going to fulfill the definition of insanity by doing the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Small changes. Baby steps forward.

This week:

• Go to my new psychiatrist and change up my meds cause CLEARLY SHIT AIN'T WORKING. (This happens today.)
• Clean my apartment because living in filth makes me feel even more depressed. 
• Track everything I eat because when I don't I can pretend I'm not eating that much.
• Get to yoga at least once. Just once.
• Write instead of eat when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Okay, October. Be kind to me.

Uphill Climb

I don't like going uphill.

I've always known this, but it solidified on a hike with Mantana, a hike she swore "wasn't so bad" as we cruised there in the convertible. She told me did it for a run, speed walked up the hill to the top then jogged afterwards on the path coming down, did it in no time at all. 

Piece of cake.

Or not so much.

I was huffing and puffing halfway up, took a few breaks, and by the time we were nearing the top I was cranky. Because I do not like going uphill. And I do not like having to take breaks. And I do not like feeling fat. And I do NOT LIKE UPHILL.

Yet somehow, I've managed to convince myself I like hiking. I don't really know what that's about. 

The metaphor I'm seeing here: Making changes is a lot like going uphill. Doing things the same, day after day, is going with momentum. Down down down, into my hole, making the same easy, self-destructive choices that I always do. But making good decisions, healthy decisions...those take more effort. Effort I hate to expend. 

All decisions, all choices, they carry weight behind them. They matter. I either have to haul myself uphill with the weight of my good decisions, or let the bad ones pull me down with gravity. But either way, I feel a strain. I'm just going to benefit positively or negatively from it, grow or wilt away, let it build me up or tear me down. 

Going downhill isn't easy either, you know. You start to go faster than you want to, you skid and grasp at anything for a little balance, you claw at the trees and ground and rocks for purchase. It's hard on your joints, going downhill. It wears away at your spirit until you slump.

So, this ramble probably makes no sense. But my point is this. What I've been doing, this downhill slide...it hasn't been easy.

So let's try going uphill for awhile. I can take breaks, I can get cranky...but why not let the weight of my decisions make me stronger, not weaker? Why not change my direction, and try to see the view from the top again?

One Word Links

Forty Days Of Dating

MUST.

America’s Forgotten Pin-Up Girl

Sexy.

Cat Owner Built an Outdoor Catwalk Around His House

Need!

This Craigslist Missed Connection Is The Most Beautiful Thing You’ll Read Today

Poetic.

Combining Peanuts Strips with The Smiths Lyrics Works Like a Charm

Brilliant.

Warning: I Will Employ the Word 'Fat'

Wise.

What's the use?

A thought for the day.

Finding A Life

No, I have not been doing well.

Well, actually, that's not entirely true. In some ways, I'm doing fantastically. But in others...not so much.

Usually, when I don't post, it's because I'm lost in my own head, wandering the familiar paths of self-doubt and depression that I've worn down over time. And in some ways, this is currently true. But in others, not so. I haven't been posting because I've been...having a life?

What IS that?

In the past few weeks, I've only had a couple of nights spent at home, tucked in bed with my computer and my cat, in my safe zone. I've been out like...doing things. Dates, and plans with yoga girls, and training, and work events. I've gone out more in the past month than I probably have in the past year. And I just haven't felt much of a pull to write about this life I'm creating.

And that's probably because I'm still wandering those paths when I'm alone, eating and dwelling and beating myself up for not being morebetterfaster. Even when things are good, I think they should be different. I can't seem to find balance between my personal and private life, and the life I create in the outside world. It's like the second things change for me, even for the better, I can't hold onto whatever routine I've established, and I go off the rails. I can't seem to have my shit together all at the same time.

Am I making any sense?

I broke down in therapy last night. I feel fat and worthless and like the biggest failure on the planet. I know these feelings are unfounded, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it feels impossible.

What I need to try and remember:

I am happier than I've been in a long time. These things making me unhappy are inconsequential, unimportant. Weight is meaningless. Time is intangible. Life is long.

And that's what matters, my life.

And I'm finally finding one.

Broken Record August

It's the first of the month! Fresh start! New beginnings! Blahblahblah ad nauseum!

You've heard it all before.

I didn't like what I saw on the scale this morning. I don't feel the need to share the number with you, suffice it to say it was more than it should be but less than it could have been. My formerly loose jeans are a big snug on me. I feel sluggish. My confidence is waning.

But it's the first of the month! Fresh start! New beginnings! And so on.

I started out last night thinking of the goals I wanted to set, the things I wanted to achieve, but I stopped myself. When am I going to learn that that never works? When am I going to learn that I rebel against that kind of rigidity? I don't need a list of weights and rewards, I don't need yoga challenges and weekly achievements.

I just need to tell myself this:

I feel better when I'm healthy. I feel empowered when I make the right choices for my body, mind and soul. I am happier when I'm in control.

I will get back to basics: I will track everything I eat according to Weight Watchers. I will go to yoga as much as I want, not forcing it, not resisting it, just embracing my practice. I will be gentle with myself.

And I will succeed.

Lazy Linkage

The Real Women Behind Disney Princesses

This is fun! Kristen Bell will make an excellent Disney princess.

30 Reasons Cats Are Terrible Friends

Truth.

AND THIS GIF IS AMAZING.

How to Lose All The Weight You Want in Just 89 Simple Steps

Ha. Hahahaha. Haaaaa. So good.

"47. WAIT! Eat like a caveman, even though they were not very tall. Or bright. They didn't have yogurt, did they?"

27 Symptoms Of Dating In Los Angeles

Oh this is just fantastic, and dead on. I will not reply to a guy who lives on the other side of the city unless he's really cute, I mean that's practically a long distance relationship! And I cannot tell you how many emails I've gotten remarking upon the fact that I am one of the few profiles without a headshot photo.

How to Win Friends and Lovers (Mainly Lovers) With Your Online Profile

Wisdomous.

Back to Basics

Okay.

OKAY.

So, I've confessed to being off track. And this weekend I was intent on turning it all around and getting my ass into gear.

Instead, I binged. Fully and completely and with reckless abandon.

Le sigh.

I don't want to think about food anymore. I don't want to think about how much to eat, or when, or what, or why. I don't want to think about my weight, my pants getting tighter, my stomach sticking out like a pregnant belly, my arms jiggling, my face rounding. I don't want to worry any more about my health, my happiness, my self-hatred, my self-esteem.

I just want to fucking be.

But I can't be. Not yet. I still have to work.

Clearly.

It's time to get back to basics. It's time to rediscover the principles, the core tenets, the things that helped me in the beginning. I need to pretend this is all new to me, not an old familiar song I'm forced to sing again and again. I get so down on myself whenever I feel like I'm starting over, like it's something to be ashamed of, humiliated by. But it's not.

It's just life.

I woke up this morning and went to the grocery store. I got good things for the work fridge, so I should be set for breakfasts and lunches this week. I will get my dinners sorted out tonight. I will clean my fucking kitchen. I will get my shit together.

For the next three days, I will eat as well as I can. I will not track, I will not curse myself, I will not get down if I falter. But I will just try. Ease back into it. Rediscover the healthy habits I know I've had before.

Then August 1st, baby. It's back to Weight Watchers. I know what works, I know what I need to do. I need to track everything I eat, I need to continue with this yoga streak I'm on (five days in a row!), and I need to be gentle with myself.

Back to basics.

I can do this.

I just have to try.

Cookie Cutter Crazy

I'm going to put this out into the universe. Maybe if I see the words on screen, say them to you all, my ever loyal readers, I'll actually hear them, and absorb them, and take them to heart.

I really need to stop eating.

I'm not binging, no. Not really. But I am certainly eating badly, and I am definitely eating more than I need to be. And I have been for quite some time, since my Whole30, really, off and on. But binging, no, I won't call it that. So that's good, right?

You know what I think it is? Despite the fact that things are going mostly well for me right now, teacher training and new boys and fun times, I'm feeling so...unfulfilled. Unsatisfied. I want more of something, and I don't know what, and I'm using food to try to fill whatever this void is inside me. Instead of eating well and nourishing my body and nurturing my soul and making myself happier in the way I know works best, I'm stuffing my feelings down with all this crap I know I don't need, and I'm just carving that void bigger and bigger. Because I don't want to be happy, apparently.

I'm so stereotypical.

I just want. All the time. I want to be happier, but I don't want to do the work. I want more attention, and more validation, and more success, but I don't think I deserve any of it, and I again, don't want to work for it. I want to be thinner and prettier and better and smarter, I want to be more than I am, but I don't know how. I just want want want.

And right now, I really want a cookie.

Monday, July 15th

I'm over this.

Monday check ins, that method of goal setting? OVER IT. I don't like. We're moving on. I think we're back to Wednesdays, and I'll figure my ish out by then.

I have some things to say, though.

Like golly gee whiz, food and I were friends this past week.

But you know what? Even though I didn't have a great week "diet" wise, and I went into the red with my points (yeah I TRACKED), I didn't binge. I didn't overeat. I just...indulged. And that's pretty swell! I'm actually feeling pretty content, even if I'm up on the scale this week. Which, I am. Oh well.

I'm just kind of existing, right now. And that's okay, you know? I can exist, for now. I'll start trying again.

On Wednesday.

Monday, July 8th

No weigh in today.

Carbs + sodium + work outs + Shark Week = Taylor is no doubt up on the scale and not inclined to write down that number, thanks.

But hey.

I'm back on track today. Consistency is key, one weekend won't screw me over.

Weight: ???
Mood: Could be better. I'm a little down on myself for letting myself slip so much after going off my Whole30, but I really should not have expected myself to be so hardcore and perfect. That was just too optimistic. Of course I was going to indulge. It was bound to happen. All I can do is right myself back onto the good food track, and get back to counting points. My mood is so much better when I feel in control.
Food: See above. Honestly, I wasn't that bad. But I could have been better. And yesterday there was Thai food.
Movement: Three days in a row of yoga! WOOOOOO! Definitely the best week I've had back on the mat. I plan to keep this feeling going.

This week, I tried to...

...keep my focus on yoga, and I did!

...limit my screen time, and I did okay.

...keep myself in check when I go off the Whole30 plan, and no.

This week, I want to...

...push myself more to practice yoga.

...write more.

...track everything I eat no matter what.

Belly No Belly

I noticed something this morning.

I got out of the shower, and stood in my ladythings in front of my closet, contemplating the contents. I glanced to the side. And what I saw kind of surprised me.

My belly? Is less bellyriffic. 

I mean, it's still there, obviously. But it's just less...protruding? Like, where it used to be fully rounded in a near pregnant-tummy shape, it's starting to...flatten? Maybe?

This could be due to the lack of carbs.

I stared for a while. Sucked in, pushed out. 

Then I shook it around a bit.

I got dressed, and marveled at how slimming the outfit I chose is. I let my ego fluff up a bit. I strutted into the office this morning, and almost immediately got a comment from my Silver Fox coworker that I'm looking great.

Go me. 

I mean, I won't be winning Miss California or anything. But progress is progress. And we're saying bye to the belly. 

Monday, July 1st

It's the 1st.

It's a Monday.

GOD, I LOVE NEW BEGINNINGS. Fresh starts. Brand, spankin' new months and weeks to do with what I will.

You know me. I'm a weirdo.

Anyway.

The curse of the daily weigher is that I was a pound lighter yesterday than I am today, but being that it's my check in day, I have to log the higher weight. Wah. But what can you do? Such is life. And this isn't a race. And I'm still moving in the right direction, I had a great week, and I'm ALMOST FUCKING DONE WITH MY WHOLE30.

WOO!

Weight: 142.6 (- 1.2)
Mood: Fanfuckingtastic! (If we're talking weight/food/health, not boys.) I saw the lowest weight I've seen since I was 18, I've been controlling my emotions and staying positive, and I just feel awesome about what I'm doing for myself.
Food: Great! Backed off on my juices and smoothies, didn't get takeout at all this week, ate lots of hard boiled eggs and ground turkey and sweet potatoes, and it felt awesome.
Movement: Did a little yoga. I'm trying, okay? That's all I can do.

This week, I wanted to...

...go to yoga five times, ha.

...keep my apartment in its current lovely clean state, and no.

...stay positive no matter what the scale says, and yes! Helps that the scale was kind.

This week, I would like to...

...keep my focus on yoga.

...limit my screen time.

...keep myself in check when I go off the Whole30 plan.

Monday, June 24th

Siiiigh.

No, the point of this Whole30 experiment is not weight loss. But weight loss is supposed to happen. It is.

And it did not, this week.

I know I'm doing the right things, but I could be doing some things better. I'm planning to make some changes with my food, and I'll be increasing my activity, and all that combined will certainly affect the scale. But...still. Still. I've been working so hard. I really didn't want to see a gain today, even a small one.

Meh.

Weight: 143.8 (+ 0.6)
Mood: Pretty great until the stupid scale today, which should tell me something. Although, really, it's not affecting me as much as it would have in the past, so that's good. I've stayed really positive this week, it really has started to feel like second nature.
Food: Good! Made a recipe, found some new snacks, have been better about fueling myself properly. I think I need to cut back on fruit and incorporate more veggies, up my protein, and maybe that will help the scale move.
Movement: I haven't fully stuck to my yoga schedule, but I'm doing alright, and I really think I'm going to find my groove again. I just have to keep trying.

This week, I wanted to...

...wholly recommit myself to my yoga practice, and I did that. I could have gone more, but I'm happy with what I did. This week I'll be even more committed. 

...make recipes so I have plenty of options for food at home, and I did make one!

...be happy, and I was.

This week, I would like to...

...go to yoga five times.

...keep my apartment in its current lovely clean state.

...stay positive no matter what the scale says.

Defatting the Facebook

I got some sort of bug up my butt last night, and started untagging and deleting pictures off of Facebook.

Specifically, fat pictures.

I mean, it's drastic. The change as you're clicking through my photos, and it goes from now, and last year, to the year before, and all of a sudden it looks like my face is hidden, frozen under a layer in dough. My body looks out of proportion, too wide for my height, and it looks in almost every image like I'm caving in on myself, slouching, trying to appear smaller. There's a shame in my eyes. It's sad.

So click click, remove remove.

The impetus for this decision was the exchange of last names with TS, and the thought that he could potentially friend me on the Face. And then my Sekret Shame would be out there for the stalking before I'd get to confess, "Hey dude, used to be fat." I mean, not that that has to be some big reveal or anything. But that's another post.

Look, I don't want to entirely erase my past. Just...erase the parts of it that make me sad. The pictures that are so opposite of the person I see myself as now. Happy, and healthy. Ish.

Maybe I'll regret it, removing those memories from my digital trail, but maybe I won't.

And it's not like I can ever truly whitewash my past, for lack of a better term. Thinwash? It's not like I've wiped the slate clean. I was big for all of college, and I am not getting rid of all the good memories, every picture that shows me at a size I didn't want to be. Just the ones that do nothing to flatter, have no wonderful vivid emotion attached to them, serve no purpose in the FB-sphere other than to remind me that, once, I was sad.

And I'd like not to be.

So, yes, if TS, or any future guy were to stalk me thoroughly on Facebook, there'd be no mistaking my body has changed. But I feel much better about the image of myself that's out there now vs. the one that was there twenty four hours ago, and that's what counts, right?

Monday, June 17th

Yay.

Yay.

I'll be perfectly honest with you, I've been slightly...irritated is maybe the best word, that I hadn't lost more weight yet. I was sort of expecting that with this dramatic change in my eating I'd get some magic five pound loss. But this was stupid and not to be.

So I'm happy to have lost -1.6 this week, and be the lowest weight I've been since college.

Yay!

Weight: 143.2

Mood: Pretty excellent. Going to Santa Barbara always keeps me uplifted, and overall this week was, for the most part, free of my usual cycles of self-loathing, except for some fears about my yoga training.

Food: Also excellent. Sticking to my Whole30, experimenting with new foods, but I could probably stand to eat more. 

Movement: I made a commitment to try and get some form of movement in every day, and that only lasted about four days. I made it to yoga once, and took some walks. I start my training this week (!!!), so I will definitely, 100% be getting back on track. Yes. YES. YES!

This week, I wanted to...

...move my body every day, and see above.

...keep my living space clear and free of clutter, which I did okay at. My kitchen has been a bit of a disaster zone but my main space is mostly okay.

...be happy, and I was. Mostly.

This week, I would like to...

...wholly recommit myself to my yoga practice.

...make recipes so I have plenty of options for food at home.

...be happy.

Let's Get Educated

On this gloooooorious Tuesday, I bring you some valuable pieces of information on healthy living.

Or...you know...something like that.

Monday, June 10th

You may have noticed that my Friday check ins have disappeared.

Or, you may have not. Probably not. Well, they have.

I was starting to feel off balance having my Weight Watchers week start over at the end of the work week. My little OCD brain couldn't handle it. So, with the start of my Whole30 and the new month of June, I've decided my WW week now begins on Mondays. Isn't that just better? Don't we like that so much more?

We do.

I'm going to change up the way I check in a bit. Each Monday, I'm going to log my weight (unless it will really fuck with my psyche), and give a little recap of my mood, food, and movement for the past week. Then I'll share what I hope to accomplish throughout the next seven days. Not goals. I need to stop with the goals. Just...things I want to do. Things I'd like to do. Things I think will make me happy.

Weight: 144.8
Mood: Struggling a bit, but overall good. Starting the Whole30 has really helped to pull me out of the funk I've found myself in for the last few weeks, but I've still had some hard days. Overall though, I'm doing much better. I'm reading a new book that promises to help with my mental state, so we'll see how this week shapes up.
Food: Great! I'm really sticking to my Whole30 and really have not been tempting to stray. I overindulged a bit in plantains on Saturday night, but really, overeating fruit is not the worst thing I could have done, right?
Movement: Eh. Tried yoga on Saturday, and we know how that went. Other than that, no activity.

This week, I would like to...

...move my body every day.

...keep my living space clear and free of clutter.

...be happy.