Me: A College Makeout found me on OkCupid...
Biff: Uh oh. Years in the making!
Me: He's like, "I believe we know each other through Your Biff." I'm like, "I believe we know each other through my mouth."
Biff: Hahaha did you say that? Please say you did!
Me: No. But I should.
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Showing posts with label girltalk texts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girltalk texts. Show all posts
Monday, September 16, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Water Sign Girl Talk Texts
Me: I gotta learn to go with the flow.
Biff: It takes practice! I was born a water sign and even I've had to work at it.
Me: I'm a fishy! I should swim!
Biff: Fishies go with the current! Only salmon are silly enough to bloody themselves charging upstream.
Me: You are so wise. This is why you are my Biff.
Biff: It's nice that the thoughts I spew out are viewed as wise, that's why you're my biff!
Biff: It takes practice! I was born a water sign and even I've had to work at it.
Me: I'm a fishy! I should swim!
Biff: Fishies go with the current! Only salmon are silly enough to bloody themselves charging upstream.
Me: You are so wise. This is why you are my Biff.
Biff: It's nice that the thoughts I spew out are viewed as wise, that's why you're my biff!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sexual Harassment GirlTalk Texts
Me: We have a temp employee at work that's so blistering hot it should be illegal. I get to run errands with him today and I'm oh so excited. He is a FINE specimen.
Her: Dude, you should "accidentally" grab his ass.
Me: I have thought about it. He is tall and manly. I want to hit it like the fist of an angry god.
Her: Hard and with little concern for morality?
Me: Precisely.
Her: Dude, you should "accidentally" grab his ass.
Me: I have thought about it. He is tall and manly. I want to hit it like the fist of an angry god.
Her: Hard and with little concern for morality?
Me: Precisely.
Monday, June 24, 2013
GirlTalk Texts, Deprivation Edition
Her: I would like some action. Like, now, dammit. I am not engineered to go without sex for long periods of time. I am feeble.
Me: I am not engineered to go without flattery for long periods. I need TS to text me and flatter me. Or I will be over it.
Her: We shouldn't have to live in theses conditions.
Me: It's like the third world up in here.
Her: OR WORSE.
Me: I am not engineered to go without flattery for long periods. I need TS to text me and flatter me. Or I will be over it.
Her: We shouldn't have to live in theses conditions.
Me: It's like the third world up in here.
Her: OR WORSE.
Monday, June 3, 2013
GirlTalk Texts: True Love Edition
Biff: I had a dream that I was trying to figure out how to make a Paleo version of pecan pie, I think cauliflower was involved... obviously this shows the depths of my love for you.
(And this is why she's my bestest friend.)
(And this is why she's my bestest friend.)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
GirlTalk Texts, HoneyPot Edition
(I have recently nicknamed my friend HoneyPot, due to her complete irresistibility to members of the male sex. We're discussing a guy from her past who is chasing after her.)
Her: It's the honeypot. You give guys access to the honeypot, then cut them off for at least a year, and magical things happen.
Me: I wish I had a honeypot.
Her: You do!
Me: I do not. I have like...jam. It's not the same.
Her: Why?
Me: No one wants it. It's got seeds.
Her: It's the honeypot. You give guys access to the honeypot, then cut them off for at least a year, and magical things happen.
Me: I wish I had a honeypot.
Her: You do!
Me: I do not. I have like...jam. It's not the same.
Her: Why?
Me: No one wants it. It's got seeds.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Coworker GirlTalk Texts, Brainless Edition
(Discussing a conversation from less than twenty four hours prior.)
Her: I could be making it up.
Me: I could be blocking it out.
Her: We're quite the pair.
Her: I could be making it up.
Me: I could be blocking it out.
Her: We're quite the pair.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
GirlTalk Texts, Bang Edition
(While discussing inviting a boy to hang out with us that we met through a mutual friend.)
Me: We could have a thing at my place.
Biff: Well, if we invite him without her I feel like it needs to be downtown.
Me: Eh, true. "Come to my house so my Biff can bang you."
Biff: Kinda sends that message. Though not really interested in banging anyone right now. It's time for a real relationship methinks.
Me: A metaphorical bang. A "marriage and babies" bang.
Biff: The real deal bang.
Me: We could have a thing at my place.
Biff: Well, if we invite him without her I feel like it needs to be downtown.
Me: Eh, true. "Come to my house so my Biff can bang you."
Biff: Kinda sends that message. Though not really interested in banging anyone right now. It's time for a real relationship methinks.
Me: A metaphorical bang. A "marriage and babies" bang.
Biff: The real deal bang.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Low Carb GirlTalk Texts
(I am chatting with a Weight Watchers friends about, what else, food.)
Me: Tree is fat though. He should go on a diet.
Her: Make him. Low fat mice only.
Me: Breed them in a lab. Low carb mice.
Her: And put them in a low carb tortilla.
Me: Tree is fat though. He should go on a diet.
Her: Make him. Low fat mice only.
Me: Breed them in a lab. Low carb mice.
Her: And put them in a low carb tortilla.
Monday, April 8, 2013
GirlTalk Texts, Lessons Edition
Her: I could use a lesson in reeling it in.
Me: And I need a lesson in letting it go.
Me: And I need a lesson in letting it go.
Friday, April 5, 2013
GirlTalk Texts, A Before/After
Me: Nine years later...
Biff: Those eyes have seen much of the world!
Biff: Those eyes have seen much of the world!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
GirlTalk Texts: Birthday Kittens Edition
(My coworker is one of those awesome do-gooder types who volunteers to take care of rescue animals.)
Her: Guess what I brought you for your birthday?
Me: A PONY.
Her: Smaller, and more numerous.
Me: Boyfriends?
Her: KITTENS. Two weeks old!
Her: Guess what I brought you for your birthday?
Me: A PONY.
Her: Smaller, and more numerous.
Me: Boyfriends?
Her: KITTENS. Two weeks old!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Flexibility GirlTalk Texts
(While rescheduling a shopping trip for Vegas dresses with the Married Lady.)
Her: Thanks for being flexible!
Me: Yogi at heart. :)
Her: Thanks for being flexible!
Me: Yogi at heart. :)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
GirlTalk Texts, Spirit Animal Edition
(While discussing hiking.)
Me: Mine is a sloth.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Domesticity GirlTalk Texts
Me: Problem...comforter and sheets not totally dry, don't want to spend more quarters for another 45 min. Solution? Hair dryer.
Her: So resourceful. That's marriage material.
Me: Spread the word.
Me: MAKE THE BED AROUND ME BITCH.
Her: So resourceful. That's marriage material.
Me: Spread the word.
Me: MAKE THE BED AROUND ME BITCH.
Monday, February 4, 2013
GirlTalk Texts: Morning Dork Edition
Me: I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED AND SHOWER.
Her: Showers always feel good after, I'm just so lazy.
Me: It's the standing. I don't like the standing.
Her: We can get you an old people shower seat.
Me: In high school I was the laziest fuck. I would totally sit down in the nice fucking shower at my parents' place. Those were the days.
Her: God I adore you.
Me: I'm a precious flower.
Her: A sexy bendy yoga lotus flower, yes.
Her: Showers always feel good after, I'm just so lazy.
Me: It's the standing. I don't like the standing.
Her: We can get you an old people shower seat.
Me: In high school I was the laziest fuck. I would totally sit down in the nice fucking shower at my parents' place. Those were the days.
Her: God I adore you.
Me: I'm a precious flower.
Her: A sexy bendy yoga lotus flower, yes.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
SuperBitch GirlTalk Texts
Her: When he said she thinks she's an "awesome catch" I laughed...
Me: She's not an awesome catch. She's like a fish that washed up dead on the beach and someone was like "cool look at this fish I caught".
Monday, October 29, 2012
GirlTalk Texts, Bored At Work Edition
Me: I'm bored. Loooove meeeee!
Her: I TRY. BUT YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.
Me: I built these walls WITH MY OWN HANDS.
Her: I TRY. BUT YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.
Me: I built these walls WITH MY OWN HANDS.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
GirlTalk Texts, What Women Want Edition
Her: I like to feel appreciated...and then objectified.
Me: Yes, quite simply, I want someone to appreciate my awesomeness, then worship me accordingly.
Me: Yes, quite simply, I want someone to appreciate my awesomeness, then worship me accordingly.
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