Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

I feel as though after this long my first real post back in the blogging game should appear with a great big BANG. It should be hilarious or touching or inspiring or any combination of all these things and should most definitely be worth the wait.

The six month wait.

Yes indeed, my last real post (excluding the impromptu announcement two weeks ago intended to force my hands...to type) was six months ago to the day.

A lot has changed in those months.

I'm still me, of course. Bentley's still here. I'm still single in LA, still at the new job (which I guess isn't so new now), still full of feels, still spending inordinate amounts of time in bed. I'm still as mixed up as ever.

But aren't we all?

God, I hope so.

If not then I am well and truly fucked.

Ways In Which Taylor's Life Has Changed

1. We'll start with the good: I moved out of my little studio for one (plus cat) and into a lovely apartment with a friend of a friend, who is now my friend. Funny how that works. It's nice having another person around, and she's a yogini too.
2. But I haven't actually gone to yoga in months. Months. So I guess "too" is unnecessary.
3. Also I completely abandoned any sort of counting of points or calories or bites of bread.
4. I've gained, oh, about 80 pounds from my lowest. So you know, there's that.

Okay, I guess not a ton has changed. Just some important stuff. Like, you know, the whole premise of this blog and my life's purpose for the past two years. 

So, yeah. No big bang post here. Just some pathetic little whimpers as I try to get my shit together.

Hi.

I'll be back. 

*peek*

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I'm the WORST.

As the Biff said, how can she stalk me when I never post?! Only ten posts in October? Pathetic.

Fail.

I just haven't felt any creativity lately. Which is silly, because half this blog isn't creative at all, it's just nonsense. And I should be able to do nonsense. I am nonsensical.

So you know...hi! What's up? How's life? Any stories?

I have stories.

Let's break it down.

Job

I LOVE MY NEW JOB! I was so, so scared before starting, afraid I was jumping in to something I wasn't ready for, afraid I wasn't smart enough, afraid I'd fail, just afraid. But apparently I'm pretty awesome at it, because they set me free to work on my own by the end of the week. Weeeeeee! Everyone is super nice, the offices are lovely, and I actually feel useful. It's amazing how fast the day flies when a) you're constantly busy and b) you're done at 4pm. It's like magic. So yeah, super stoked on the new gig. Go. Me.

Boys

Well, things are not as fabulous in my love life as they are in my work life, but we can't have it all, right? RIGHT?! (Please be to not comment if everything in your life is awesome, yes? Yes.) I had lunch with Vegas last weekend, and it was lovely, but I don't really get the vibe that he's all that interested in like...dating. He's a busy Phd student, it's fine, I still love the fact that we actually hung out after we met that one crazy night, and I'd see him again if he asked. But I'm not holding my breath. As for Nicknameless, I don't think I have to work very hard on giving him a nickname, 'cause I just have this inkling that he's over it. I have barely heard from him this week, and my last invitation to hang was brushed aside with a "oh, very busy, maybe later" text. I'm a little sad, but what can you do? If he doesn't see that I'm FUCKING AWESOME, then I don't need him in my life.

Health

Well, I've been going to yoga! I could complain that I should be going more, but something is...something, right? I really do feel so much better when I have a consistent practice going. As for my diet...not so much. I mean, I'm not totally in binge mode. So that's good. But I'm making poor choices, and going with whatever's easiest, and I'm feeling rather....grotesque. When I'm at yoga, it's hard to shut off the part of my brain that notices how different things feel now that I'm bigger again, and how I look in the mirror. But baby steps, right? RIGHT?! I'll get back to my good habits eventually, and for now I just want to concentrate on yoga, and not what I'm putting in my mouth. 

Happiness

I'm trying. I'm really trying to let everything good in my life be my focus, and trying so hard not to let the darkness in. But it's hard. I feel like there are two parts of me, the part that is living an amazing life right now and knows it, the part that is making friends and making changes (however small) and moving forward, and that part knows I should be happy. But then there's the other part of me that just...can't be, the part that berates myself for my flaws and failures, the part that doesn't want to leave my apartment, the part that needs to be medicated. Heavily. The part that thinks I'm worthless. But...I'm trying. 

And that's what matters.

Back to the Blog

I'M HERE.

I didn't die. I didn't abandon you all. I just...had not much to say. Which is weird, because life is happening, and you'd think I'd want to talk about it.

But maybe my narcissism is dwindling and I've realized...no one cares.

Regardless, you're getting a summary of my life. Starting NOW.

• I have gone back to yoga. YES. YES I HAVE. I knew the second I renewed my physical practice I'd feel a million times better, and I do. I don't know why I ever stopped, probably your basic mix of insecurity and laziness, but the important thing is that I'm back, doing something for myself and my soul, embracing the love of yoga. WEEEEEEE!
• I'm auditioning to be an intern at my yoga studio in mid-November. DOUBLE WEEEEEE!
• Third date with the new nicknameless boy...siiiigh. I like him. Lots. Only hangup: he's my height, about exactly. And I am not tall. This is not HIS problem of course, he is hot as shit and has a six pack I want to lick, attraction is definitely not the issue and I don't judge the shorties. The issue is my self-consciousness about my size, and feeling bigger than him. I have issues. I know I just need to get over it, but it's hard when I'm larger than I'd like and feeling particularly vulnerable.
• So, adoring Nicknameless, but I'm having lunch with Vegas on Sunday too. It's only our second time seeing each other since we met, but I feel like I owe it to myself to see if there's an equivalent spark. And he is TALL.
• Tomorrow is my last day at my current soul-sucking job. @#&*$^*#&%$^*!!!! I keep having second thoughts, wondering why I'm leaving such a chill, easy position where I can do whatever the fuck I want, but then someone asks me to do something absurdly stupid and I'm like, "Yes. Get me out of here." I'm so nervous to start the new gig, but I know it's the best thing for me. I think my new, strict schedule and you know...using of my brain, will really have an influence on my life. I'm looking forward to a total lifestyle overhaul.
• I am optimistic about the future. For the first time in awhile.

AWKWARD CITY

I mean...of course.

My life is a constant series of random clusterfucks and ridiculous coincidences, so why should today be any different?

Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned getting a message on OkCupid from a guy I made out with in college? He was a friend of my Biff's, and we met at her 20th birthday party, oh...six years ago? I'm so old.

We ended up chatting a bit, then he asked me out for a drink. At the time, I was theoretically trying to make things work with Thumper, so I said we could meet for a friendly catch-up as I was seeing someone, and he was fine with that. Well, now I'm not seeing anyone, so tomorrow's drink is in this odd date/not-date zone, depending on how he's changed after you know, six years.

That is not my story.

This is my story.

So, this boy (nickname as yet to be determined) works at a rock climbing gym in addition to being an actor-y sort. A gym where, quite coincidentally, Thumper happens to climb. Yeah. Yeah. He actually just started a month long unlimited pass this week. Mmhmm.

But that's not the story.

No, the story is that today's SUPERFUN team building event, which I did not plan? Guess where it is?

Uh huh.

I'm apparently supposed to go rock climbing, at his job, with my co-workers, when I have not seen him in SIX YEARS.

AWKWARD CITY.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to go, not because of this awkward shit, but because I already tried rock climbing this summer (on da boat!) and I'm at my capacity for adventurous things, apparently. And I just don't WANT TO. But I texted him to warn him I may be showing up at his job, with the insistence that "I am not a stalker!"

"That's what a stalker would say," he replied.

GOD.

My life.

Fuck People

I try to love the world.

There are lots of good souls that inhabit this earth. I know this. I just spent the weekend with quite a few of them.

But there are also some bad seeds out there. Bad seeds who do bad things. Things like break the driver's side mirror of my car while it's parked at the Biff's house, less than an hour after I departed for San Francisco. The Husband returned from the gym to find my Marilyn disfigured...like so.

Perhaps...broken intentionally? The mirror is pretty perfectly destroyed, without my car being sideswiped or damaged in any other way. If it was intentional, that would be the second time in my life some dickbag has purposefully killed my mirror for no reason other than shits and giggles, and the fourth time that mirror has been broken, either by me or someone else.

Motherfucking fucker. Fuck people.

Luckily, the Buff and I MacGyver'd that shit, et voila!

The mirror even still moves.

So fuck people. I will overcome.

Poor Marilyn.

Emotional Overload

Life is overwhelming right now.

I have so many posts I could write. SO MUCH IS GOING ON. I don't even know where to begin.

I have things I should be doing right now. I should be packing to leave for San Francisco early in the am. I should be wrapping the gifts for the bridal shower I'm going to once I get there. I should be showering, or cleaning, or taking out the trash.

But for now, I'm sitting. On brain overload, totally incapacitated.

Shit That's Going On Right Now

*I had a second interview for that job today. Yup. And I think it went really, really well. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I might get it, and if I do...i have to decide if I want it. I know, I said I really did, but now I'm panicking, because change is scary and what if I can't do it? And it's not a raise. And it would be a really intense, non-creative, technical job, and I'm worried it'll do nothing but stress me out, and is that better or worse than me hating and being unfulfilled by my current job? Plus side, it gives me more experience on my resume, and I need a change, and it's really just as close to home as my current job....ahhhhhhhhhh.

*This bachelorette party is going to be so fun, but I'm stressin'. What to wear? What to pack? How much am I gonna spend? Will I run out of money before my next paycheck? Did I buy enough of a gift? Should I get something else? 

*I'm breaking up with Thumper tonight. Yeah. It's gonna suck.

Things You Do When You're Poor

• Eat cereal and milk for dinner every night because it's gloriously cheap.
• Inadvertently guilt-trip the guy you're dating into buying you a real dinner when you tell him this fact.

• Wear a dress you haven't worn in over a year (as it's really not flattering) because you don't want to waste money doing laundry.
• Stay at work during lunch to save a tiny amount of gas.
• Contemplate bailing out of a best friend's bachelorette weekend because it will quite literally deplete your bank account. 
• Realize you cannot do this and be a good friend, and wonder if anywhere around you buys blood.
• Find yourself increasingly jealous of your cat's super easy lifestyle. What a lazy little bitch.

Developments of the Weekend

1) Thumper pampered me on Friday night as an apology for getting me sick. I got to pick the movies, I got a massage...oh, and he showed up with gifts. Cough drops and flowers. Whipped the latter out from behind his back when I opened the door, an adorably proud smile on his face.

If you're keeping score, that makes TWO floral donations to my cause.

That boy is totes putting in the effort.

2) He did good with my friends last night, too. The Biff couldn't make it, being all scholarly in grad school, but the rest of the group had a raucous good time playing Cards Against Humanity, and Thumper held his own. They seemed to approve. I dunno guys, I really do quite enjoy him. It's not like, he's my boyfriend or anything (...yet?), but he seems to enjoy me too, and we're going out again tomorrow on our fancy date that he bought the deal for way back when we first started dating...gosh I guess two months ago? And did I mention he's going to be in Vegas at the same time as me? Yeah, that's happening. We'll only see each other briefly, since it's a girls' trip, but he'll get to meet my other lady friends too and they'll all have their judgy pants on.

3) Update on the other man in my life, my admirer from Montana. He's still admiring. I was really overwhelmed at first, 'cause a of all, I have never had anyone come on as strong as he was coming, and b of all, he was coming on in a way I didn't really know how to process. It was just like...vomiting compliments all over me, to be grotesquely descriptive.

So first I asked him to back off, which he did, and once he did I was more receptive and inclined to get to know him a bit. Then I felt comfortable instigating a dialogue wherein I basically said hey, this attention is super nice and all but I really feel like you don't know me that well and I'm leading you on when I'm not sure this is ever going to go where you seem to want it to go for reasons a, b, and c, and he said look, I don't have you on a pedestal and I enjoy having my little crush on you so as long as I'm not making you uncomfortable, I would like to continue getting to know you. So, that's that.

He has only given me ONE floral donation, for the record.

4) Job interview? Went well, I thought, I was confident getting off the phone. The interviewer said that I'd hear within two weeks whether or not I was moving forward in the process. Imagine my surprise when I heard within two HOURS that they wanted me for an in-person interview.

Well then.

It's on Wednesday morning.

MEEP!

Lifelist

Yeah, I know.

I suck.

What can I say? I haven't posted, but I've been living life. I do have things to talk about. Nothing to brag about on the, you know, weight loss front, so the whole thesis of this blog is kind of moot at this point, but we soldier on! WHO GIVES A FUCK?

Not I.

(This is a lie.

I give so many fucks.)

1) Still seeing Thumper. I think...that he is growing on me more and more. He's just fucking adorbs, y'all.

'Cept he got me sick. 'Cause boys have cooties.

2) He'll be meeting my friends this weekend, like the Biff and the Buff and her Husband and all that group. Should be a very interesting evening.

3) I have not, however, lost the urge to hunt. Like a lioness in the wild. I downloaded Tinder, which is motherfucking hilaaaaarious. I haven't met anyone off it, but it's such a boost to the ole ego. Completely superficial. Tinder, y'all. Super entertaining.

4) Exactly 7 days from oh, right now, I'll be on a plane to Vegas. VEGAS. YES BABY. To meet up with Mantana, and my Jersey girls, and my friend living in Australia, and WOOO HOOOOO. SO FREAKING EXCITED. I really don't have the money, I shouldn't be taking the time off of work, but dammit, I'M GOING.

5) Speaking of work...I have a phone interview tomorrow for a new job. Yup, back on the search. Something needs to change. I'm really excited about it. Wish me vibes.

Weekend Instagramming

What's SUP?

So there are two angles we could take on this post.

We could discuss how I spent way too much time and energy stressing over the planning of a work event yesterday (which inevitably went off without a hitch) and analyze why I let simple tasks overwhelm me so much, and why I'm such a fucking crazypants.

Or we could just look at pretty pictures.

This Morning's Lead Story

*tap tap*

Is this thing on?

WHY HELLO.

I'm back.

In California. In my bed. In my life.

HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING?

Good morning, and welcome to Freak Out In Color. It's been a long time, folks.

Coming at you this weekend: posts. Lots of them, I hope. I'm going to try to get back into my groove. I want to ride the high of a great vacation, and a final hurrah of gluttony. I want to rekindle all the passion and drive I've lost. I want. I NEED. I will.

You know all this.

Sit tight. It's Labor Day Weekend, and I've got nothing to do but prep for September, go to yoga, and post for you bitches.

Look who's happy to see me.

Brain Dump Post

Oh my god HI!

I know, still with the absence. It's gonna continue, let's just be honest here. 'Cause the thing is, I'm going on vacation. Yup. On Saturday, I am leaving the state for two weeks for some much needed relaxation time. First I'm off to Montana to visit a friend, then we'll road trip to Vancouver and spend two days there before I leave on a cruise with my family to Alaska for a week.

Yeah, I'm a lucky bitch.

So, until I get back on September 1st, don't expect many posts. I may be able to check in every now and then, but I'm not going to commit myself to doing so. I need to re-evaluate how I want to use this blog, since right now I'm not really doing much of anything. If you have any input or suggestions, by all means, sound off in the comments.

But hey, I'm here now. And feeling chatty. So...HI!

Let's see, what shall I talk about?

Well, I'm fat again. There's that. I know, I know, I know, that is not a nice thing to say and negative thoughts breed negative habits and what good does it do to beat myself up but it's true. I wanted to feel so good and fit for this trip and I...do not. I've gained weight, lots of it, quickly, noticeably, by treating myself terribly, and I'm sick of it. I'm done. This trip will be a rejuvenation, a break from the monotony of real life, a chance to breath fresh glacial air and read some books and get my head on straight. I really hope it clears the cobwebs from my mind and helps me get back on track. I want to return to LA fresh and new and ready to start over.

Hmm, what else...boys? I do love to talk about boys. Thumper took me to dinner last night to celebrate passing my yoga test. We went to my favorite restaurant, which is not inexpensive. He paid. 

And he opens the car door for me, have I mentioned that? 

He really tries so hard. It's so endearing. It's like, he knows how to date.

AND, he's offering to drive me to the airport Saturday for my SIX AM FLIGHT. I don't think I'm going to let him, but wow. Boy seems to like him some Taylor.

Mmhmm.

AND YES, YOGA! I PASSED! I mean, everyone did, but still. So did I. Now I just have to finish up my practice hours when I get back from Alaska, and I'll be an official certified teacher. AND I'm doing the extension training program, so I'll be learning even more awesome stuff in the next five weeks. 

So yeah! You know, life. Food. Boys. Yoga. 

I keep on keepin' on.

I'll be here a bit over the next few days, then I'll fly off on my vacation.

I still love you all, I do. I just haven't had much creative juice to share with you. Hopefully my vacation will refresh my supply.

MUAH.

xoxo

T

I've made a huge mistake.

It's lunchtime, and I have just observed a yoga class and run a quick errand. I load my bag into Marilyn's trunk and slam the lid, then very quickly realize that I have dropped my keys inside.

It is at this moment I begin to revert back to my teenage self, as I tend to do in a crisis, however small. I pull on the trunk uselessly a few times, whimpering. I yank on the door handles. I huff and puff.

I call my daddy and ask if I have Triple A, 'cause it's not like I pay for it, but maybe I'm on his account?

No such luck.

I call a few locksmiths and get quoted prices I have no desire to pay. It's at this point I realize my phone is rapidly dropping under 10% battery.

Whoops.

Today is just a series of poor life decisions.

I call my local Volkswagen dealer, and get the number for roadside assistance, even though I assume it will be the most expensive of them all. But it turns out to be the cheapest at only $50. And as my phone slowly creeps towards zero, I sit and I wait.

And I reply to a text from Thumper, because he pays attention to me and I love it, and the phone's dying anyway.

Just when it's at 1% and I'm going to be left alone without a way to communicate with the locksmith coming to break into my car, my phone RINGS.

And the voice on the other line says, "Hi, I'm here to save your life."

Amazing.

"You're my hero!" I replied.

Mistake solved, keys retrieved.

Life saved.

Oh, me.

Tacos and Talks

Y'all, I made a friend!

Last night I had plans to have a sleepover with one of the girls from my yoga training. The original agenda was to study some sequencing and veg at my place, but we were in the mood to go out so we hit up the Cabo Cantina for Taco Tuesday, and it turned out to be a very interesting night.

We got to the bar and it was crowded due to their 2 for 1 happy hour, and we decided to hit the bathroom before searching for a table. It was occupied, so we waited, and then surprisingly a dude emerged from the ladies'. We had a somewhat hilarious interaction with him, he held the door for us, then we went on our merry way.

When we emerged and reentered the bar, we ran smack dab into him and his friends, and ended up spending the whole night with them. We had so much fun! They were half drunken douchebags, half totally nice guys, and thoroughly entertaining, and it was just awesome to have a night out socializing with some new people. Mostly, though, it was just so awesome to spend time with my new yoga friend, who I shall nickname Sunshine, and bond with her over the tons of stuff we have in common.

We got tipsy on margaritas, stumbled home from the bar arm in arm, cuddled with Tree and gossiped in bed, then passed out happily.

It was a fantastic night.

I made a FRIEND!

Assorted thoughts of the day.

• I forgot to put on deodorant this morning. Whoops.

• When I arrived at work yesterday, something was amiss. I felt off balance. It took me a few minutes to realize that all the trees across the street had been cut down, totally changing my view and the light coming in through the front door. THINGS FEEL SO VERY WEIRD.
• Hung out with MI last night, and he leaves in a week. I ain't sad about it. We've (or at least, I've) really enjoyed our time together and I'm totally digging my new casual dating attitude. It's so fucking FUN. 

• I had cake today.
• Amongst other things.
• I feel fat.

• I have plans tonight to hang out with one of the yoga girls and study. Yay for making new friends!
• In fact, I'm busy every night this week. Yay for having a life!
• I didn't go to yoga yesterday, but I went today, so that's 6 out of the last 7 days! GO ME!
• SO MANY !!!!

• And...no more thoughts.

Things I Appreciate

*A text (however belated) from TS, apologizing for disappearing on me. It's nice to be acknowledged as a person.

*A lunchtime spoon sesh yesterday with Mr. Tree. It's the very definition of a catnap!

*A great hair day.

*An excuse to wear my business professional dress. Board meeting days are usually stressful but I think today is going to be less so. I just get to look cute, and sit.

*Free hot dogs for lunch. HOT DOGS.

*A sushi date tonight with a new boy. Gettin' my hussy on.

*A little rain yesterday morning. I love the rain.

*A general sense of wellness. Let's hope it lasts.

Weekend Shenanigans: A Recap

I can't remember the last day I let pass without posting on the blog. And somehow, I let a whole weekend go by?! What is wrong with me?

My deepest apologies for my absence. I was in Santa Barbara, living life, having a blast, and was not sitting around on my laptop per usual.

Recap time!

I took Friday off work, drove to SB, got mani/pedis with the Biff, and then we had a classic SB night seeing a movie on the courthouse lawn. We watched "North By Northwest" while cuddled up with pillows and blankets on the grass under the stars, drinking champagne and eating cookies, and it was pretty fucking magical.

Saturday morning, we went to the beach and I taught a yoga class for the Biff. It was great practice and so much fun. She put herself in the mind of a beginner and it was super helpful to see how my cues were interpreted by someone who knows yoga but was pretending not to. Plus, the puppies were very helpful as well.

Then that evening I attended yet another wedding! One of my friends from high school married her best friend and boyfriend of something like six or seven years, and it was an absolutely beautiful event. She was overjoyed (and tipsy), he was beaming with pride (and drunk as well), and it was just a love-filled event full of dancing and laughing and....drinking.

Sunday there was brunch with the Biff, teacher training (at which I got some great feedback from my instructor on my presence), then another date with this new boy. Yup. Four dates in a week. He might like me.

We went to trivia again with his friends, then it turned out that motherfucking Dave Chappelle was doing an impromptu set at the boy's improv theater just down the street, so we ran over there and caught the last hour of his stand-up. So. Much. FUN! Such a classic LA night. I was stoked on it.

Oh yeah, and I'm kinda stoked on the boy too? Maybe?

So that was my weekend.

I'm exhausted.

Naptime?