The Mind

What Matters

What's the use?

A thought for the day.

What I Am

May all beings everywhere be happy and free...

I confess, I've never really gotten too into the chanting part of the practice of yoga. You know, when you all sing out "ommmmm", and connect your energy, and offer it up to the heavens...or something.

It's never really done much for me.

But through the process of my teacher training, as I learn more about the history of yoga and the spirituality of the practice, I see myself becoming more connected to these aspects. The oms are taking on more meaning. The chanting doesn't seem so, well, silly.

This week we've learned a new chant, beyond the basic om. And I'm kind of in love with it.

May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.

I just love this. I love the meaning, I love the flow of the chant, and I love the way I feel when my class is singing it together.

New tattoo inspiration, perhaps...?

What Is Yoga?

Our first assignment for teacher training (or TT as I will inevitably start calling it) was to write a little essay with the prompt: what is yoga and why do you practice yoga?

This is what I turned in.

What Is Yoga?

Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self. 

-The Bhagavad Gita

Yoga is so many things. In its simplest form, yoga is a physical way to express love. Love for oneself, one's fellow human beings and for the world outside one's own experience. Too, yoga is playfulness and passion and peace, it's a practice of patience and positivity. But to me, above all else, yoga is about exploration---exploration of yourself and exploration of your universe. Throughout the time I've spent practicing yoga, I've found out more about who I am than I've learned in the rest of my years on this earth combined, and I know through continued exploration I will come to learn far more about my authentic self than I ever thought possible. That's what yoga offers---the chance to be open to what's around us and inside us, and open to change. 

I spent my childhood and the beginning years of my adult life hating exercise and hating my body. Anything physical was stressful for me, a catalyst for negative thoughts like “why am I not good enough, fast enough, strong enough?” I never found any athletic activity that spoke to me, that gave me any peace or joy or made me feel truly connected with my body, and as a result I was a very unhealthy and unhappy person. When I first truly discovered yoga at age twenty one (though I had experimented with it prior to then), I finally realized there was a way to use my body that didn't involve pushing it, or pulling it, or forcing it to do something it didn't want to do. 

Once I found yoga, it opened up an entire new world to me---the world of my own body and mind. Through yoga, I can explore my fears and hesitations, confront my own ego, and find answers. 

Something clicked for me when I tried my first CorePower class in January 2012, and since then yoga has become like a kind of therapy to me. Yoga is the tool I use to live my life as authentically, healthfully and happily as I can. Through my sun salutations I explore who I am and what my body and brain need---peace, openness, and gentleness. Yoga is the journey I am on to find myself.

Training Day

I'm up early, buzzing with excitement.

The day has finally come.

IT'S TRAINING DAY!

I've just been waiting for today. Anxious. Unsettled. You all know me and know my crazy by now, when there's something looming in the distance I have trouble processing the time up until that moment hits. I've been on hold, in limbo, the waiting room of life.

And today, I step through the door into a whole new chapter. Room.

Okay, it's not a perfect metaphor.

From here on out for the next eight weeks, yoga will become my life, and I cannot wait. Wednesdays I'll have training from 8-11 PM, and Saturdays and Sundays from 2-5. On top of that I need to practice at least five hours a week, but I'm going to aim for six. I can get doubles in there, restorative, morning classes.

It's not like I have other commitments.

I want to immerse myself in this program and get every drop of benefit out of it that I can. I want it to be as transformative as I know it can be.

I cannot wait.

Let's do this.

Let's Get Educated

On this gloooooorious Tuesday, I bring you some valuable pieces of information on healthy living.

Or...you know...something like that.

Tomorrow's Schedule

I need accountability, friends. Can you give it to me?

I need to do things tomorrow. I need to get my butt in gear. These first three days of my W30 have been great, but it's time to get serious. I want this experience to be transformative, and transformation is more than just what I'm eating. It's how I'm eating, and what I'm doing.

Can I count on you guys to check in on me tomorrow? Give me a little nudge? I'd SO appreciate it!

THE PLAN.

1) Go to yoga.
2) Make a recipe.

....

Yeah, that's it. I can do that, right?

The Whole Motivation

Why I Haven't Been Writing

I have not been able to figure out what my god damn damage is.

Why can't I write?

I haven't had this much trouble writing in awhile. But lately, it's been like pulling teeth. My average of five posts a day has dwindled down drastically, and despite the raw nerves sizzling all over my body and brain, I can't make enough sense of their roots to get much of anything down on paper. Screen.

And today I realized.

I write when I'm passionate, and lately, I've felt...flat. Despite being off the rails, as I like to call it, despite being in pain. Despite my brain being out in the stars, despite my actions being not my own.

Despite it all. I've been flat. On auto-pilot. Without connection.

I need to get my passion back.

WW Recap 5/17-5/23: Floating Along

I tried until maybe Monday this week. Tuesday.

And then I stopped trying.

I floated.

I will try harder this week. I will. Because trying makes me feel good. 

Last week, I wanted to...

...have a great time in Santa Barbara with my Biff and my Buff and stay active, and I did that. 

...use yoga to comfort myself instead of food, and I did not really do that.

...track everything I eat, even if I go into the red, and I did that up until Tuesday, and then...not so much.

...write, which I did, but I did not post.

This week, I would like to...

...go to yoga more.

...track every single bite.

...post more.

...drink less Diet Coke. 

WW Recap 5/10-5/16: Learning Curve

Apparently, I have taken to only logging my weight every other week.

I am fine with this.

As you know, I struggled this week, after getting to my lowest weight last week. Self-sabotage, my old friend. But you know, what's the bright side of this?

Other than my eating, I'm pretty happy with my week. I tried, some. Trying is good. And I'll try more next week.

This week, I wanted to...

...restart my yoga practice, and I did!

...read my yoga book and some fiction, and while I definitely dove into "Journey Into Power", I didn't read any fiction. But who really cares? Not I.

...try to keep my apartment clean, and I definitely did a lot better than last week. 

...spend my weekend time well, and Saturday was great. I went to yoga and went to Studio City. Then Sunday, I did absolutely nothing, thinking I had earned it and it would make me happy, but it really didn't. That was the beginning of my downfall. So I think I learned something---maybe I no longer want to spend entire days of nothingness. Maybe I only love my nothingness now when it's earned...

Next week, I would like to...

...have a great time in Santa Barbara with my Biff and my Buff and stay active.

...use yoga to comfort myself instead of food.

...track everything I eat, even if I go into the red.

...write.

Get Out Of The Way

What is it that I'm so afraid of?

I know that I'm afraid. If I wasn't, I wouldn't self-sabotage. There is a clear cause and effect correlation between when I get close to something, a change, a transformation, and when I trip myself up. Intentionally, subconsciously. And this is the same spot I tripped myself up last year---granted, there was also an external disappointment (Gingerness) but still.

So what is it? What is it that I find so damn scary?

Am I back to the fantasy of being thin? Is it the idea that once I cross this threshold and I become this physical alter ego of myself, nothing will really change and I'm terrified to find that out?

Is it that I fear failure, and I'm afraid if I really put my all into it and really push for metaphorical finish line, I'll never get there and I'll be completely crushed?

Could it be that I really am just PMSing?

Or that maybe I have some deep underlying psychological issue I have yet to uncover and that's why I keep fucking eating?

Is it just that sometimes I get lazy and that's okay and I'm putting way too much thought into this?

Regardless, whatever it is, it's me. Nobody else, nothing else. There are no external factors, I am not busy, I am not sick, it is not my damn lady parts, or at least not exclusively. It's me.

A Quirk

A couple of weeks ago, I pinpointed a quirk that I knew was hindering my progress. For whatever reason, I couldn't mentally reset until my official Weight Watchers week was over. Silly, but it was what it was, I accepted it instead of fighting it, and because of that I easily got back to my positive habits. Miraculous. So much easier.

I think I have another little quirk worked out.

I went to yoga on Friday, and yesterday. I was all set to go today, but my brain was already thinking ahead to tomorrow, and the rest of the week, and I was caught up in the idea of going every single day. And you know how I get when there's pressure...

So I thought to myself, what's a good way to stop this cycle I'm always putting myself in? How can I prevent myself from creating all this false pressure to do something I love to do anyway? With that anxiety, as we all know, comes the "should", and then I might just not.

Hmm. Maybe...I only go two days in a row at a time, for now?

It's a silly little thing, but I think it might work. Having an external limitation like that  (or maybe the better word is structure) is a way of keeping a lid on that anxiety, and then I have room to get excited about yoga, and miss it. Not going today allows me to go to bed tonight anxious in a good way, happy to wake up for my one of my favorite teacher's 6 AM class tomorrow, and not feel like there's any requirement hanging over my head, inflicted by, well, me.

I'm so weird.

But hey, at least I'm learning something about myself, and actively working to heal it and move past it. That's progress, right?

I want to quote a little Baron Baptiste from "Journey Into Power" of course, from the section where he's discussing some of the common mental mistakes people make in their yoga practice. In the part where he discusses people not understanding their resistance, he says: 

"Resistance can be a great teacher. It exposes your state of mind and being---your fears, attachments, and limiting beliefs. Then it's up to you to choose whether to continue protecting your existing patterns or expose them to the light."

Quote Of The Freaking Day

Baron, man. You've done it again.

I keep re-reading the first chunk of "Journey Into Power", as it is packed dense with so much wisdom and so much truth that is too appropriate to where I am in my life right now to be dealt with in one reading. I keep highlighting sentences and passages and I swear, the whole book is going to end up pink and yellow and blue before the weekend is out.

The first main section is Rewiring Your Mind, and in the beginning Baptiste goes through eight principles that help yogis step up to their edge, which "is where we come right up against ourselves and what we can do and be".

The one that's was just killing me last was Principle 3: Growth Is The Most Important Thing There Is, because of this paragraph:

"The funny thing about growth is the paradox contained within it. It begins not with momentum, or even willingness. It begins with acceptance. You can only grow beyond where you are if you accept where you are in the first place. You can only begin to stretch your limits if you can see and embrace them. It isn't willpower or anger at your limitations that stretches them. It's acceptance. You can never actually grow past your edge if you can't see it clearly and willingly."

Um, yeah.

The Punisher

Sometimes you just need your best friend to say exactly what you've been dancing around for months, in the clearest way, for you to really get it. 

"You punish yourself a lot, then when you fight back you wonder why."

Well.

WELL.

Isn't that just about the purest nugget of truth you've read on this blog in a long, long time?

I've thought variations on that same thing before, as I've been exploring my resistance to goals and challenges, thinking about how I try to force change on myself, why I struggle with the "shoulds" and the "musts" of life. But she just phrased it so succinctly and perfectly.

When I'm coming up with weekly goals or plans for self-improvement or lists of ways I want to be different, they're punishments. They don't come from a positive place. They're penalties for perceived misdeeds, for not being good enough. So of course I rebel against myself, against the negativity, it's what I do!

I've been much happier this week, without a pile of external to-dos weighing me down, without a ticking clock counting down to failure. 

That should tell me something.

Shine In The Storm

You know what's funny?

The last nine months have been full of so much angst and stress and struggle and pain, you would think I'd wish them away if I could. Reading back over my blog, a truly torturous task I can only assume, you would guess that I regret every binge and setback and backtrack, but as I discussed with my therapist tonight, I don't think I do.

Actually, I know I don't.

Today, I peeked at my scale (that's a lie. I didn't peek, I just weigh myself every day) and I was 143.8, which happens to be the exact weight I tracked last August 3rd, the lowest weight I saw last year and the lowest weight I've seen since I was a teenager.

(Granted, this is probably because I've chosen under-eating over binging as a way to deal with Tree's illness, but this is either here nor there.)

It took me nine months to get back here, but you know what? I learned a lot in those nine months. I wouldn't give up that knowledge for anything. And too, if I had lost all my weight in one go and reached some ideal number on the scale in the space of a year or so, I know I never would have maintained it, because I never would have seen it for what it really was, as I never would have seen myself for what I really am.

I may have been able to get "skinny", but I wouldn't have gotten happy, and I can almost guarantee you I would have gained most if not all of the weight back before I would have righted myself.

If I ever could have.

See, living this past nine months as I have, working towards mental health while inhabiting a body I could feel (mostly) comfortable in, I've been able to work towards clarity. Mindfulness. Perspective. Appreciation. All these things that will make me stronger and more balanced as I continue losing weight and becoming the person I want to be. I've taken the time to face my demons and battle them back. I've paused, and breathed, and looked inward.

Yes, it's been hard. I've cried and bitched and moaned and torn myself up, wishing I was further along on this journey. But this time has given me the chance to grow, and accept, and change. I'm better for the things I've gone through over the last year or so. Without this time I don't think I'd ever be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, because the habits wouldn't be coming from within. As I quoted Baron Baptiste last week, I needed to shift my inner viewpoint, not just my habits, in order for anything to stick.

My world has transformed, and I like it much better this way. I like myself much better this way. And if it had to take an extra nine months for me to get here, then so be it. 

Rings on a Tree

Obviously, you only come here for updates about cats, and weight.

So why not one about cats AND weight?!

Bentley had gained half a pound between Monday and Tuesday, so I had to take him back to the vet today for a weigh-in (Tree's on Weight Watchers!), and a general check-up to see if he still needed more fluids or anything to help ease his poor suffering. Luckily his weight was back down and he seemed to be doing fine.

Tonight will be his first night without anti-nausea meds in his system, so I will keep a close watch to make sure he eats and doesn't, you know...puke.

Did you know his birthday is at the end of this month?

MY BABY IS GOING TO BE FOURTEEN!

Let's count the rings on this Tree!

"There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat." - Wesley Bates 

Journey Into My Power

Weeks and weeks and WEEKS ago, I bought the recommended book for my yoga teacher training program, "Journey Into Power: How To Sculpt Your Ideal Body, Free Your True Self, and Transform Your Life with Yoga" by Baron Baptiste. Pretty lofty promises, eh?

I could have paid full price and used my two day Amazon Prime shipping, but I was attempting to be fiscally responsible, so I bought a used copy. And then it took a century to get here, so really, the lesson I learned was NEVER BUY ANYTHING CHEAP.

Yup.

But it finally arrived, and I am so happy, because now I can start my preparations for class! I read the preface today at lunch, and I just know the book is going to speak to me right on my level.

Choice quotes:

"Sharing what you know makes it more real, more a living part of you." 

"I saw that if i stopped smothering my spirit and soul with external knowledge goals, I would actually start feeling, and ultimately healing." 

"...we don't have to take dogma so seriously. When we start too take it too seriously, outer mastery becomes the goal, and we are then chasing the illusion once again." 

"If we tune out the inner voice of wisdom in favor of what someone else is telling us, how can we ever really be in our own power?" 

"The only person who can open the door to inner truths and lead you to the light is yourself."