Defatting the Facebook

I got some sort of bug up my butt last night, and started untagging and deleting pictures off of Facebook.

Specifically, fat pictures.

I mean, it's drastic. The change as you're clicking through my photos, and it goes from now, and last year, to the year before, and all of a sudden it looks like my face is hidden, frozen under a layer in dough. My body looks out of proportion, too wide for my height, and it looks in almost every image like I'm caving in on myself, slouching, trying to appear smaller. There's a shame in my eyes. It's sad.

So click click, remove remove.

The impetus for this decision was the exchange of last names with TS, and the thought that he could potentially friend me on the Face. And then my Sekret Shame would be out there for the stalking before I'd get to confess, "Hey dude, used to be fat." I mean, not that that has to be some big reveal or anything. But that's another post.

Look, I don't want to entirely erase my past. Just...erase the parts of it that make me sad. The pictures that are so opposite of the person I see myself as now. Happy, and healthy. Ish.

Maybe I'll regret it, removing those memories from my digital trail, but maybe I won't.

And it's not like I can ever truly whitewash my past, for lack of a better term. Thinwash? It's not like I've wiped the slate clean. I was big for all of college, and I am not getting rid of all the good memories, every picture that shows me at a size I didn't want to be. Just the ones that do nothing to flatter, have no wonderful vivid emotion attached to them, serve no purpose in the FB-sphere other than to remind me that, once, I was sad.

And I'd like not to be.

So, yes, if TS, or any future guy were to stalk me thoroughly on Facebook, there'd be no mistaking my body has changed. But I feel much better about the image of myself that's out there now vs. the one that was there twenty four hours ago, and that's what counts, right?

I'm a potential stalker.

Facebook can be both a glorious, useful resource, and an emotionally damaging tease.

It's glorious because it gives you the opportunity to creep on people from your past, find out what they're up to, and compare your life to theirs. It's damaging because usually your life comes up short, as most people only broadcast their best accomplishments and most flattering pics. What's that quote, "don't compare your 'behind the scenes' to someone else's 'highlight reel'"? Yeah, that's about Facebook. 

And too, FB shows you all these life alternatives. Paths you didn't take, choices you didn't make. Friends living lives that could have been yours. Couples getting engaged and shit. And you get the opportunity to become obsessed with people you don't really know.

For example: There's this boy I used to pal around with in middle school. He was an awkward child, but so was I, so you know...whatever. We were friendly through freshman year of high school, when he had a big crush on my friend and I gave him a plethora of dating advice, then once I moved away from the Bay Area we lost touch. Until the explosion of social media, of course, and then we became total FB friends. Who never talk. He lives up north still, for the record.

Also for the record: this boy has grown up to be delicious.

First of all, he has really really sexy tattoos. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a bad tattoo (except maybe, you know, being a racist?), but a good tattoo definitely bumps you up at least a point or two on the hotness scale. And he's a musician, plus he works for a big tech company, so he is both creative and able to offer me the luxurious lifestyle I desire. (Diamonds and cocaine, obviously.) Basically, this dude is totally my type, and I would very much like to orchestrate some sort of reunion with his fine ass.

But I mean, how do you even do that? Send an awkward message, "Oh hello sir, remember me? I'll be randomly in your area and I would like to meet for a drink. So I can lick your ink." I feel like that would probably work out in my favor, but maybe not in the way I'd prefer. But I guess, being direct is usually best.

I wish more guys were prone to over-sharing on Facebook like a lot of girls are. I could go visit my sister in San Francisco, stalk this dude's profile to find out where he plans to appear that evening, track his adorable face down and make out with it.

This post is really creepy, isn't it?

Oh well.