Failure to Launch

Yeah, see below? That 30 Day Shred Challenge thing?

Fuck that. I fail.

I did it the first day, and it sucked. Not because my body couldn't handle it, but because my mind couldn't. It made me agitated, and cranky. When I tried to do it the second day, something inside me snapped, and I completely burst into tears, threw my sneakers at the wall, and then sat on my ass the entirety of a three day weekend, and moped. And ate.

I don't fucking know, dude. Don't ask me.

I just needed to be in my cave. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to blog, or go to yoga, or run errands, I didn't want to do anything. I sat. I cried intermittently. I avoided the phone. I made pancakes. I tried to figure out what the hell has gone wrong in my brain.

I have emerged from my cave. I sort of feel better. Thus far today, you know, in the two hours I've been awake, I haven't cried or eaten anything terrible. Progress.

I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Even though I've been "off plan" for a few weeks now, I've spent the entirety of that time beating myself up about it. Criticizing myself. Calling myself names. Tying my emotional state to my physical one. Not seeing myself as I am. Trying to force myself to do things I don't want to do.

Apparently, I really really don't want to do 30 Day Shred.

So I'm giving myself permission not to, for now. My new life philosophy, if it doesn't make me happy, I'm not doing it. (Unless I, you know...have to. Work. Blech.) I need to get back to yoga. I need to focus on getting my good habits back, on cooking and planning and eating well. I need to start proactively making changes in my life instead of just bitching about what I don't have. (I applied to four jobs yesterday! Yay!)

My one success is that I haven't weighed myself since Saturday. But considering what I've put in my body since then, I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

Is there an actual reset button somewhere that I could hit? Maybe punching myself in the nose?

Okay, seriously guys. This time. I'm back.

No-Scale September Shred Challenge

Standard Weight Watchers protocol is to weigh yourself just once a week, same time same place. It keeps you from obsessing, it teaches you to disassociate your good habits from a number on a scale, it shows your overall progress without room for flukes and fluctuations. So once a week, you step on your scale and log that number, and you're done.

Well, I don't do that.

I'm a daily weigher. More than that, I'm a multiple-times-daily weigher. Pretty much whenever I go into my bathroom, I step on my scale. (Taylor brand. It seemed apropos.) I like seeing how different things like exercise or food affect the number, I like when my lighter morning weight becomes my evening weight, I like seeing the overall downward trends and how sushi makes me temporarily fat. (It's the sodium, yo.) I like keeping myself on track by reminding myself of where I'm at. Also, I just like confirmation of the number. The more times I see it, the more real it is.

I used to have a very bad scale problem. My emotional well-being was tied directly to the number on the screen, and my dieting would be completely thrown off by a random gain or unexpected loss. "Oh, I've gained weight, obviously I will always be fat so let's EAT!" or "Oh, I've lost weight, that means I can EAT!" Basically, everything was a reason to EAT.

Since starting WW again in January, I've really had a pretty good handle on my scale obsession. Fluctuations didn't bother me, I just liked keeping an eye on my daily progress. But my recent downward spiral has caused my bad habits to resurface again. I have been frustrated. The number on the scale has been taunting me.

The last few weeks, I've tried putting my scale away in my closet, intending to only pull it out on Wednesdays. That hasn't totally worked out. The scale calls to me, whispers little threats from inside the box of hats on my top shelf. "Take me out...you know you want to...WHAT IF YOU'RE FAT AGAIN!?"

So, I had a thought. Maybe I should put my scale away for a WHOLE MONTH. And see what happens.

Then, that thought grew.

I have avoid weight training or changing up my exercise in any real way because I dread the plateau. I know it's very common to see your weight increase as you start using new muscles, breaking them down, building them up. And even though I know any gains would be a result of toning, and my body would be improving, I still didn't really want to deal with it. Silly, I know. I've been planning to tackle Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, but I was petrified that it might derail my mental state. But, my mental state is already pretty derailed.

SO!

In September, my scale is going to remain locked in the trunk of my car, Marilyn the Jetta. She will guard it bravely. And every single damn day in September, I am going to do the 30 Day Shred DVD. (Okay, wait, maybe that's too lofty of a goal. I'll give myself five skip days for the month? That seems fair. Setting myself up for failure is always a bad idea.) In addition, I'll still be going to yoga at least 3x a week.

This challenge has a number of desired outcomes:

1) I'll prove I can stick with healthy habits without the positive reinforcement of weekly losses.
2) I will challenge myself to shake up my exercise routine and push my body to new limits.
3) I'll learn to gauge my progress by what I see and how I feel, not some arbitrary number.
4) My self-control will be tested in multiple ways and I'll show myself that I am stronger than my impulses.

I did today's workout already, and I'm...well, pretty unenthusiastic about this self-challenge now that it's actually begun. I've done 30 Day Shred Before, I know how it goes, and today I was just...so. Fucking. BORED. Hopefully I can come up with ways to make it exciting and fun for myself, because I will succeed!

LET'S DO IT.