Scenes from my hood

(I walked down to my fave sushi spot last night for dinner. I am passing by a bus stop where two homeless gentlemen are lounging.)

Him: Hello there, lady.

Me: (cause I'm polite) Hello!

Him: You are looking so fine and lovely this evening!

Me: ...thank you.

Him: And I don't mean that in a perv way!

Scenes from streetwalking

(I am strolling down the street with my mother in downtown Santa Barbara when a super intimidating looking white guy on a BMX bike rides towards us on the sidewalk. He stares at me intently as he passes by, craning his neck to track me until he's behind us.

Just as I'm about to open my mouth to say, "That was creepy!", my mother speaks.)

Mom: That was creepy.

Me: Seriously. Especially because that teardrop tattoo that means he killed someone.

Mom: What?!

Me: Yeah, a tattoo like that means you murdered someone. Unless he's just a poser.

Mom: I could have lived my whole life without ever knowing that.

Me: Especially 'cause he thought I was pretty.

Scenes from collegiate life...

(I'm in my neighbor's bedroom, comparing the size of our boobs. As you do, when you're eighteen.)

Her: I want your boobs!

Me: No, yours are perfect!

Her: You have like, four handfuls, it's crazy.

Me: But you have a good solid handful!

(A guy friend is walking by the open door and pokes his head in.)

Him: More than a handful is a waste!

Scenes from a Sunday morning after...

Her: I think I'm turning into a bit of a makeout whore.

Me: Please, do tell. I need to slut it up vicariously through you.

Her: Well, I ended up making out with that guy from high school last weekend...and last night, the bachelor party best man.

Me: Can you go for the trifecta? Please kiss another stranger next weekend. I'm counting on you.

Her: I'll try my best.

I love my friends.