*peek*

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I'm the WORST.

As the Biff said, how can she stalk me when I never post?! Only ten posts in October? Pathetic.

Fail.

I just haven't felt any creativity lately. Which is silly, because half this blog isn't creative at all, it's just nonsense. And I should be able to do nonsense. I am nonsensical.

So you know...hi! What's up? How's life? Any stories?

I have stories.

Let's break it down.

Job

I LOVE MY NEW JOB! I was so, so scared before starting, afraid I was jumping in to something I wasn't ready for, afraid I wasn't smart enough, afraid I'd fail, just afraid. But apparently I'm pretty awesome at it, because they set me free to work on my own by the end of the week. Weeeeeee! Everyone is super nice, the offices are lovely, and I actually feel useful. It's amazing how fast the day flies when a) you're constantly busy and b) you're done at 4pm. It's like magic. So yeah, super stoked on the new gig. Go. Me.

Boys

Well, things are not as fabulous in my love life as they are in my work life, but we can't have it all, right? RIGHT?! (Please be to not comment if everything in your life is awesome, yes? Yes.) I had lunch with Vegas last weekend, and it was lovely, but I don't really get the vibe that he's all that interested in like...dating. He's a busy Phd student, it's fine, I still love the fact that we actually hung out after we met that one crazy night, and I'd see him again if he asked. But I'm not holding my breath. As for Nicknameless, I don't think I have to work very hard on giving him a nickname, 'cause I just have this inkling that he's over it. I have barely heard from him this week, and my last invitation to hang was brushed aside with a "oh, very busy, maybe later" text. I'm a little sad, but what can you do? If he doesn't see that I'm FUCKING AWESOME, then I don't need him in my life.

Health

Well, I've been going to yoga! I could complain that I should be going more, but something is...something, right? I really do feel so much better when I have a consistent practice going. As for my diet...not so much. I mean, I'm not totally in binge mode. So that's good. But I'm making poor choices, and going with whatever's easiest, and I'm feeling rather....grotesque. When I'm at yoga, it's hard to shut off the part of my brain that notices how different things feel now that I'm bigger again, and how I look in the mirror. But baby steps, right? RIGHT?! I'll get back to my good habits eventually, and for now I just want to concentrate on yoga, and not what I'm putting in my mouth. 

Happiness

I'm trying. I'm really trying to let everything good in my life be my focus, and trying so hard not to let the darkness in. But it's hard. I feel like there are two parts of me, the part that is living an amazing life right now and knows it, the part that is making friends and making changes (however small) and moving forward, and that part knows I should be happy. But then there's the other part of me that just...can't be, the part that berates myself for my flaws and failures, the part that doesn't want to leave my apartment, the part that needs to be medicated. Heavily. The part that thinks I'm worthless. But...I'm trying. 

And that's what matters.

I've made a huge mistake.

It's lunchtime, and I have just observed a yoga class and run a quick errand. I load my bag into Marilyn's trunk and slam the lid, then very quickly realize that I have dropped my keys inside.

It is at this moment I begin to revert back to my teenage self, as I tend to do in a crisis, however small. I pull on the trunk uselessly a few times, whimpering. I yank on the door handles. I huff and puff.

I call my daddy and ask if I have Triple A, 'cause it's not like I pay for it, but maybe I'm on his account?

No such luck.

I call a few locksmiths and get quoted prices I have no desire to pay. It's at this point I realize my phone is rapidly dropping under 10% battery.

Whoops.

Today is just a series of poor life decisions.

I call my local Volkswagen dealer, and get the number for roadside assistance, even though I assume it will be the most expensive of them all. But it turns out to be the cheapest at only $50. And as my phone slowly creeps towards zero, I sit and I wait.

And I reply to a text from Thumper, because he pays attention to me and I love it, and the phone's dying anyway.

Just when it's at 1% and I'm going to be left alone without a way to communicate with the locksmith coming to break into my car, my phone RINGS.

And the voice on the other line says, "Hi, I'm here to save your life."

Amazing.

"You're my hero!" I replied.

Mistake solved, keys retrieved.

Life saved.

Oh, me.

Goals, Schmoals

Monday's part of the weekend, right?

'Cause I'm TOTES gonna finish cleaning my apartment tonight. Mmhmm.

Crossroads didn't happen, 'cause I wanted to go to the bigger one in WeHo and I realized the Pride Parade was happening and there was no way I was getting to it. No way no how. That wasn't reeeeeally my fault.

As for yoga...well, I went on Saturday...and fainted. So of course, yesterday, I was too chickenshit to go to class, I just did my cleaning shift and left. 

So...fail.

FAIL.

Failfailfailfailfailfailfail.

GOALS SCHMOALS.

April Showers, Something About Flowers...

And when it rains, it pours, but it didn't rain, so it didn't pour.

My April goals? Yeah...it did not shower. Not even a sprinkle.

The only goal I achieved was averaging six posts a day. The rest...well. The word "fail" comes to mind, but I've used that one an awful lot recently, so let's go with the kinder, gentler, "under-performed".

I'm not going to do any goals for May.

SERIOUSLY HOW IS IT FREAKING MAY?!?!?

Right, goals. Clearly, they didn't really motivate me this past month, and I need to try a new tactic. We all know I'm insane, but I'm not so much so that I'm going to keep doing the same thing over and over if it's not working for me. So this month, I'm just chillin'. Doing what I want.

Wait, backtrack.

I have one goal: spend less money.

At the end of May, I want to MAKE IT RAIN.

Fail Blog

I guess today is just "let's talk about Taylor's fails" day, as we have another one to discuss! (Also, apparently, gif day, but isn't every day?) If you've noticed, I have blogged at night this week. And that's because my laptop has come home with me...every night.

Every. Single. Night.

At least I haven't turned on my television AT ALL.

I have the willpower of a drunk starving dieter at a buffet. Or a sex-deprived single girl in front of Michael Fassbender.

Or myself.

Faaaaail.

In related news, Screen Free Week starts on April 29th! Are you participating? I'm participating. No, really. NO REALLY.

How so?

1) Leave my computer at home every weeknight...AND ALL WEEKEND. WHAT?!?!?!?! (This means I will pre-schedule posts, I guess...ohmygod what will I do with mysellllllf?)

2) Try my darnedest not to play with my phone as much. While waiting in line, while bored. I actually forgot it in the car today and never went out to get it. Wasn't the end of the world. Not like anyone who needs me can't reach me through email.

3) Continue not watching TV. Which means I should PROBABLY catch up on my shows before Monday...

4) Take a morning and afternoon break and a lunch every day at work so I get screen breaks. 15 minutes AM and PM, an hour lunch.

5) READ, MOTHERFUCKER.

How about you, any screen-free plans for next week? OR ARE YOU A FAILURE TOO?

Diet Coke Denial: VIOLATION?

NO I have not had a Diet Coke. Don't just ASSUME.

But last week, I was tired. Oh so tired. Dying. And while I rarely drink caffeine for the purposes that caffeine normally serves, since it doesn't really affect me, I was like damn, I could use a pick-me-up.

So I went to the fridge.

And I looked.

And I decided, well, Coke Zero isn't REALLY Diet Coke, now is it? No. It's not. The can is a totally different color. And it doesn't even taste the same.

I had one. And one turned into two. And two into twelve. And now, apparently, I drink Coke Zero. AND THE WORST PART IS I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT.

I have a problem.

I think this constitutes a violation.

New resolution:

NO GODDAMN SODA AT ALL.

After tomorrow.

It's My Birthday! (And tale of a yoga fail.)

5:40 AM

6:00-8:00 AM

Oh yeah, you read that right! Two hours of sweaty hot hot morning yoga. I've been planning this for weeks, and I'm so glad I did it. What a freaking awesome way to start my 25th year. The computer system told my instructors that it was my birthday so they greeted me with warmth and love and hugs. It makes me happy when people know it's my birthday, 'cause I may like attention. In case that wasn't evident. 

However, I did learn a very valuable lesson today about being properly fueled and hydrated for my practice. 

Turns out, if you go to two hours of morning yoga after having two cocktails the night before, very little water, and not enough sleep, you will puke in between classes. And because you don't want anyone in the locker room to hear you and force you to stop your practice, you will go outside and puke in a trash can in full view of the boxing gym across the complex.

I am all class.

Of course I felt 100% better after puking, and I took the second hour easy, and it was totally fine. But, lesson learned: Hydrate. Fuel.

BIRTHDAY.

Fail Whale

I am really liking my new method of weekly goal setting. I think it will be really helpful for me to have different things to focus on each week and find different ways to push myself out of my comfort zones.

I am pre-emptively announcing a fail for this week, though. #3, "tech-free for two nights", will be a repeat goal, absolutely.

See, in a normal week, two tech-free nights wouldn't be so bad. That's 50% of my week nights, leaving two to do with as I please, nights I can zone out on media and recharge my mental batteries. But this week, I made that goal forgetting that a) I have plans with the BFF tonight and b) Thursday is V-Day so I have a date with myself, thus leaving me no choice as to which nights I must spend tech-free. Monday and Wednesday or fail.

And we all know what happens when I have no choice. I rebel.

So while I didn't take my laptop home last night, I did watch hours of SVU whilst cleaning my floors again for want of something better to do.

Fail whale.

Frets and Fails

This morning, I dropped Bentley off at the vet for a full day of exams and x-rays. I probably won't be able to pick him up until early this evening.

I. Am. A. Mess. On the verge of tears at all times.

He was thoroughly confused as to why he had to go back to the vet, and made his displeasure known with the most pitiful, weak meows from inside his carrier. I'm pretty sure he was saying, "Bitch please, I just WENT to the vet! DON'T MAKE ME."

I hope they're being nice to him, and give him all the fun drugs.

And I hope they tell me, "All his x-rays and tests were clean, we think he's faking just to fuck with you." That makes the most sense.

In other news, I made the ill-advised decision to try to wash my sheets AND my comforter last night...and apparently broke the washing machine. Whoops? To quote my work BFF, "nothing good comes from being domestic". And my landlord's voicemail was full, so I was like fuuuuck, then she finally called me back, and I guess she'll get it figured out today. While my comforter soaks in water for a gazillion hours.

Methinks I need a new one, as this one will no doubt always smell a little wrong.

Retail therapy. Yes. Off to BedBath&Beyond I go....

And of course I'll watch out for that beyond section.