Diet Coke Denial: VIOLATION?

NO I have not had a Diet Coke. Don't just ASSUME.

But last week, I was tired. Oh so tired. Dying. And while I rarely drink caffeine for the purposes that caffeine normally serves, since it doesn't really affect me, I was like damn, I could use a pick-me-up.

So I went to the fridge.

And I looked.

And I decided, well, Coke Zero isn't REALLY Diet Coke, now is it? No. It's not. The can is a totally different color. And it doesn't even taste the same.

I had one. And one turned into two. And two into twelve. And now, apparently, I drink Coke Zero. AND THE WORST PART IS I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT.

I have a problem.

I think this constitutes a violation.

New resolution:

NO GODDAMN SODA AT ALL.

After tomorrow.

My Compulsions

So much of my behavior is compulsive.

This is something I've clearly figured out over the last couple of months of introspection. Not clinically so if we're talking about obsessive ritualistic behaviors, but just...generalized behaviors. I don't know if I'm just exceptionally weak-willed (I can't even finish The Willpower Principle!), but it is so so hard for me to deny my urges. 

I mean, maybe that's not the whole truth. When I want to, I can have the strongest of wills. I can stare down a giant metal tray of my favorite panang curry for Wednesday lunch and say, "No, I will not have you." One of the departments had a chocolate tasting on Friday and left the remnants in the kitchen, taunting me, and I put a piece of chocolate in my mouth, chewed it twice, then spit it out when I decided it wasn't worth it.

I'm quite the conundrum.

Back to my point.

The second the thought of "don't"enters my mind, all I can think is "do". 

"Do do do, you know you want to, who tells you what to do, who cares if you do, no one is watching, no one will know, you're the boss of you, this is a self-inflicted 'don't' so you're the one who can give yourself permission so why don't you just give in, you little bitch?"

I swear I'm not schizophrenic.

Sometimes I do things before I even notice I'm doing them. I go on autopilot, really. Shutdown mode. This happened a lot in the height of my binging, obviously I knew what I was doing when I got up and got dressed and left my house to go to buy whatever food item sparked my interest at that moment in time, but I wasn't really conscious of my actions until I was out in my car turning onto Santa Monica Boulevard, and then what was the point of going back home?

I've transferred those compulsions to other things, which is no good. I'm dealing with this Diet Coke thing (ONE DAY SOBER!) Shopping, well...I'm already over my budget for the month, let's be honest here. BUT I NEED (want) THINGS. Personality habits too, procrastination. My other bad habits I still need to deal with, my lifestyle habits that keep me on the couch, but those will come with time. All these things I do without even thinking about them, regretting them as I'm doing them or immediately after, like they're just natural.

I need to channel these compulsive tendencies into positive behaviors. I can do that, right? Like cleaning. Sometimes I obsessively clean, when I'm stressed or anxious, I find myself digging out the corners of some long neglected drawer, can't I substitute cleaning whenever I find myself itching to do something less productive?

Probably not.

Yoga, sure. I can be a compulsive yoga addict, that is absolutely in the cards for me. Knitter? Baker? Candlestick maker?

But I don't want to feel like I'm trapped by my compulsions, unable to break free, regardless of whether or not they're really that unhealthy for me. I want to feel entirely in control of my own actions, choosing what I do and when I do it, not pulled by invisible puppet strings handled by my own inner insecurities, guiding me towards self-destruction.

Just saying this aloud, or writing it down rather, is a step.

I am stronger than any pull I feel, because those pulls are not real. They're not tangible.

I am.

I am the strongest voice in my head, and I know what it is I really want, and what the right answer is...as hard as it may be, and as cute as that dress may be, and as much as I may want to turn down an invitation or eat my feelings or do something bad for my soul.

This is my new focus. Taking the time to make the right decisions, and denying my tendency to just give into the voice inside me that always chooses the easy path.

I don't want to go the easy way.

By Shel Silverstein

Diet Coke Denial: Round Two

Yes. I am still drinking Diet Coke.

It's an addiction, okay? In the absence of my binging, my disordered eating, I am substituting. I say to myself, "NO MORE!" but the compulsion is stronger than I am. Just like when I was stuffing my face with ice cream.

I need another external motivation, like Lent and impressing the Jesus, to keep me off the Crack Coke.

A reward, you say?

WHAT A FUCKING BRILLIANT IDEA.

Lent was what, 40 days? And I went a few beyond before I indulged in DA BUBBLES. And then it was over, and I quickly deteriorated into my old habits. So let's say this time I go 50 days, until June 1st. June 2nd, it is on.

No Diet Coke for 50 days.

And what will my reward be?

GET DRUNK ON DIET COKE.

Also, $50 to spend on something on Etsy, which is a rabbit hole of awesome. A dollar a day for my PRIDE.

NO. MORE. DIET. COKE.

After tomorrow.

That's 50 days until June 1st. I counted.

After tomorrow.

DANGER DANGER

Okay, just one Diet Coke has turned into...more than one.

I really, really don't want to go back to my old habits. I don't. That shit is like cocaine. I don't know what they put in it. Aspartame is death.

After today ('cause it's the END of the WEEK), I am officially and totally not drinking Diet Coke.

EVER.

At work.

EVER.

Diet Coke: The Reunion

Challenge achieved. No Diet Coke for the entirety of Lent. Go me.

But...I'm not giving it up forever.

I am, however, giving it up as a habit. I'm not going back to my daily dose. I'm not going to have it every time I'm out, every time it's around, every time I step foot into the work kitchen.

I am, however, enjoying one right now.

Oh, sweet sweet Diet Coke, HOW I HAVE MISSED THEE.

BUBBLES BUBBLES BUBBLES!

Deprivation Day 44: DC Decisions

I've made it.

Well, nearly.

Sunday is Easter. Right? I mean, I'm not celebrating it in any way, though I'm sure my mama will leave me a basket like she usually does as she's a sweetheart like that. But my lack of religiousity means no worshipping for me.

So, yes, Sunday is Easter, and I could return to my Diet Coke-chuggin' ways. If I wanted to.

Which I don't.

I KNOW RIGHT WHO WOULDA THOUGHT?!?!

I miss it, I do. The sweet sweet bubbles, that fake sugar-sweet taste, that dark amber liquid joy...but you know what? I don't miss it as much as I thought I would, and I don't miss it enough to return to my former bad habits.

Because they are bad. It's bad for me, in the quantities I was drinking. Staining my teeth, rotting them too and also my brain and probably giving me cancer and Alzheimer's and aspartame poisoning and NONE OF THAT.

No more.

I can have the occasional can here or there as a treat, have a mixed drink while out at a bar, maybe enjoy one with some popcorn at a movie.

But I don't need it anymore.

I AM DIET COKE SOBER.

Deprivation Day Fifteen: Dark Desires and Dreams

It has been two solid weeks without my crack cocaine Diet Coke.

Look at these beautiful cans designed by Marc Jacobs. Cans I DON'T GET TO HAVE.

via Tumblr

Some days I just miss it with my whole soul. Like today. I had a piece of pizza for lunch, and you know what goes remarkably well with pizza? Yeah, Diet Coke.

My dark desires, deep inside me, singing a mournful tune...DIET COOOOOOKE.

But honestly, days have gone by where I haven't thought about it. Where I haven't craved it. I sort of regret those days. I feel as if I've forgotten an old friend, a lover. I feel such guilt. Even though I have my hands on cans of it every day, refilling the work fridge as other, luckier souls get to chug down the glorious liquid, I manage to block it out, suppress my longings. It's like there's no connection between me and my darling any more.

Which makes me think. If it has been so easy to step back from my addiction, if the hold this substance has over me is not really as strong as I always thought, then maybe this abstinence should continue. Maybe...maybe I should give up Diet Coke for life.

I'm not committing to this yet.

This is a disturbing, depressing dream of mine...a life without Diet Coke.

But, perhaps I will get there.

Deprivation Day Six: A Desperate Desert

Six days now without Diet Coke.

I'm parched.

Some days are easier than others. Yesterday I hardly thought about it at all, so consumed I was with drinking vast amounts of glorious water after my big climb up the hill. And I am really good about my water, guys. I usually have 100-120 ounces a day. I'm a fishy. Gulp.

But some days, like today...oh it is rough. I have the devil on my mind. The DC. The crack. The coke.  I am going to the movies in a bit, and I would maybe get popcorn, except how can I get popcorn without soda? I can't. It's sacrilege. 

Today, I dream of Diet Coke.

"Diet Coke and a pizza, please..."

Warning: Cheesy goodness ahead.

This song was my jam for a few months, at a time when I needed to believe that my beauty or charisma or attractiveness was not dictated by my weight. I need to remind myself of that now, and remind all of you: you are fucking beautiful, no matter your size, shape, color, height, weight, face, stomach, nose, or hair. Beauty is innate, beauty is in your soul, and we are all beautiful.

I just watched this music video for the first time. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

"You take your girl and multiply her by four, now a whole lotta woman needs a whole lot moooore..."

Note: if you haven't listened to Mika before, you should check out more of his songs. He is amazing.

Favorite:

Coke Whore

I have...a problem, you could say. A compulsion. A need, a desire, a want. An addiction, fine, if you want to use that loaded word. If you want to get all judgmental on me.

This addiction of mine has long been a problem in my life. It's more mental than physical, though sure, my body craves this thing, wants it desperately. But I can stop. And I have stopped. For months at a time. So obviously, I don't really have a problem. I'm able to cut myself off, deny myself, I must not really be an addict. Not  if I'm able to go without.

But...I just don't want to go without my love, my life. It makes me feel warm and safe and loved. It gives me comfort when I can't find it anywhere else. It keeps me company. It whispers my  name. Calls to me.

Diet Coke, my old friend. I never want to leave you.

But you're rotting my teeth. And my brain. I'm gonna get Alzheimers. I'm going to die of aspartame poisoning.

I'm gonna go broke when I stop working at a place where I get it for free and start buying my own. I'm going to run out of room in the fridge when I start filling it with nothing but Diet Coke because what if the zombies come!?

I want to give it up, but I don't.

I must stop.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO.

I don't have to yet, right? I can wait? Wait until it's really a problem? Wait until I hit bottom, until I'm living in a box cradling my empty cans close to my bosom, sobbing uncontrollably?

I fucking love Diet Coke.