Back In The Saddle

Whelp, here we are.

It is October 1st.

Another month. Another chance to start again.

Let's just put it out there: I weigh 162 pounds. I have gained 20 since my lowest. I have not exercised in...awhile.

And I am not happy.

It would be one thing if this was just my normal weight and I was living a lifestyle where I was nourishing my body and taking care of it and exercising and loving myself and all that good stuff. Because I don't look bad. Much?

But I am not taking care of myself. I am not nourishing. I am not loving myself. I am abusing. And this is no good.

So...I just have to DO IT. I have to make healthy choices. I have to track my food. I have to put in the effort to take care of my body, and make changes, and move forward. Otherwise this will just keep getting worse.

I'm going back to basics. But I'm not going back to overwhelming myself with insurmountable goals and challenges. I'm not going to fulfill the definition of insanity by doing the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Small changes. Baby steps forward.

This week:

• Go to my new psychiatrist and change up my meds cause CLEARLY SHIT AIN'T WORKING. (This happens today.)
• Clean my apartment because living in filth makes me feel even more depressed. 
• Track everything I eat because when I don't I can pretend I'm not eating that much.
• Get to yoga at least once. Just once.
• Write instead of eat when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Okay, October. Be kind to me.

Broken Record August

It's the first of the month! Fresh start! New beginnings! Blahblahblah ad nauseum!

You've heard it all before.

I didn't like what I saw on the scale this morning. I don't feel the need to share the number with you, suffice it to say it was more than it should be but less than it could have been. My formerly loose jeans are a big snug on me. I feel sluggish. My confidence is waning.

But it's the first of the month! Fresh start! New beginnings! And so on.

I started out last night thinking of the goals I wanted to set, the things I wanted to achieve, but I stopped myself. When am I going to learn that that never works? When am I going to learn that I rebel against that kind of rigidity? I don't need a list of weights and rewards, I don't need yoga challenges and weekly achievements.

I just need to tell myself this:

I feel better when I'm healthy. I feel empowered when I make the right choices for my body, mind and soul. I am happier when I'm in control.

I will get back to basics: I will track everything I eat according to Weight Watchers. I will go to yoga as much as I want, not forcing it, not resisting it, just embracing my practice. I will be gentle with myself.

And I will succeed.

Back to Basics

Okay.

OKAY.

So, I've confessed to being off track. And this weekend I was intent on turning it all around and getting my ass into gear.

Instead, I binged. Fully and completely and with reckless abandon.

Le sigh.

I don't want to think about food anymore. I don't want to think about how much to eat, or when, or what, or why. I don't want to think about my weight, my pants getting tighter, my stomach sticking out like a pregnant belly, my arms jiggling, my face rounding. I don't want to worry any more about my health, my happiness, my self-hatred, my self-esteem.

I just want to fucking be.

But I can't be. Not yet. I still have to work.

Clearly.

It's time to get back to basics. It's time to rediscover the principles, the core tenets, the things that helped me in the beginning. I need to pretend this is all new to me, not an old familiar song I'm forced to sing again and again. I get so down on myself whenever I feel like I'm starting over, like it's something to be ashamed of, humiliated by. But it's not.

It's just life.

I woke up this morning and went to the grocery store. I got good things for the work fridge, so I should be set for breakfasts and lunches this week. I will get my dinners sorted out tonight. I will clean my fucking kitchen. I will get my shit together.

For the next three days, I will eat as well as I can. I will not track, I will not curse myself, I will not get down if I falter. But I will just try. Ease back into it. Rediscover the healthy habits I know I've had before.

Then August 1st, baby. It's back to Weight Watchers. I know what works, I know what I need to do. I need to track everything I eat, I need to continue with this yoga streak I'm on (five days in a row!), and I need to be gentle with myself.

Back to basics.

I can do this.

I just have to try.

Monday, June 10th

You may have noticed that my Friday check ins have disappeared.

Or, you may have not. Probably not. Well, they have.

I was starting to feel off balance having my Weight Watchers week start over at the end of the work week. My little OCD brain couldn't handle it. So, with the start of my Whole30 and the new month of June, I've decided my WW week now begins on Mondays. Isn't that just better? Don't we like that so much more?

We do.

I'm going to change up the way I check in a bit. Each Monday, I'm going to log my weight (unless it will really fuck with my psyche), and give a little recap of my mood, food, and movement for the past week. Then I'll share what I hope to accomplish throughout the next seven days. Not goals. I need to stop with the goals. Just...things I want to do. Things I'd like to do. Things I think will make me happy.

Weight: 144.8
Mood: Struggling a bit, but overall good. Starting the Whole30 has really helped to pull me out of the funk I've found myself in for the last few weeks, but I've still had some hard days. Overall though, I'm doing much better. I'm reading a new book that promises to help with my mental state, so we'll see how this week shapes up.
Food: Great! I'm really sticking to my Whole30 and really have not been tempting to stray. I overindulged a bit in plantains on Saturday night, but really, overeating fruit is not the worst thing I could have done, right?
Movement: Eh. Tried yoga on Saturday, and we know how that went. Other than that, no activity.

This week, I would like to...

...move my body every day.

...keep my living space clear and free of clutter.

...be happy.

Let's Talk Fat Talk

This article from the New York Times blog struck a chord with me this week, and since my posting has been so lackluster lately, I thought I should share my thoughts with y'all.

I know, you're just desperate to hear my thoughts.

Called "‘Fat Talk’ Compels but Carries a Cost", the post discussed the type of body-shaming, self-hating, flaw-focusing talk that most women engage in. 93%, according to the article. Obviously it goes without saying that while this kind of talk bonds friends together and gives them common ground, it's incredibly damaging and detrimental to their individual psyches.

But what came to mind as I read the article is that, amongst my group of closest friends, I don't engage in that kind of talk. I haven't been faced with it in my friendships day in and day out for the past several years, and for that I'm lucky. I guess that's why the Biff and the Buff and the lady from Spain, etc, are my gal pals. Because they aren't the sorts of people who would engage in fat talk.

But sure, I do have friends with whom this stuff does tend to happen, specifically with people who are also trying to lose weight. Unfortunately, it's just society. We can't help ourselves. But as far as my core group of besties...nope.

I do notice that, when I do engage in the "God I'm so fat 'cause I ate this, my stomach is so huge, I feel disgusting", it certainly does make me feel worse, make me feel down. At first it feels great to tear myself to pieces and focus on my flaws, beat myself up and give in to every urge to self-loathe. It's always nice to reaffirm your worst thoughts about yourself, you know? But then it wears on you, and every insult hurts a little more, and when your friends start to engage in it too, you think they're talking about you, and it's a vicious cycle.

So I'm really going to try to cut it out. Cut the fat talk out with my Weight Watchers friends, and with myself. Cut it OUT of my life. Only voice the good thoughts out loud into the world. Say nice things about myself. Tell myself I'm pretty and special.

If you put out positivity, you'll get it back, right?

RIGHT. 

The Banana Debate

As I've mentioned, through the Weight Watchers message boards I've managed to find myself with my own little support group, despite the fact that I don't go to traditional meetings. We're spread far and wide across the continental United States, and one of us is even in Australia. It's awesome to have a group of like-minded ladies to chat with about food and fat and fitness, and they definitely keep me on track. These are the girls I went to Vegas with, and the girls who keep me occupied while I should be working, and we've become real friends, not just Internet friends.

What's awesome is they're all almost as ridiculous as I am, or in some cases, moreso (you know who you are). They get my sense of humor, and we can get down and dirty with our jokes without fear of anyone taking offense.

And we get into the weirdest conversations.

Case in point: for the last few days, we have been having a group text debate about the proper way to peel a banana.

One one side, we have the traditionalists, of which I myself am a member. You peel a banana like a NORMAL PERSON. Stem at the top as a lever.

Then on the other side, the goddamn banana molesters who violate their bananas by peeling from the bottoms, "like the monkeys do!"

The debate culminated in this video of a flaccid banana, at which I cracked up at my desk for at least fifteen seconds.

I love my fake Internet friends.

A Quirk

A couple of weeks ago, I pinpointed a quirk that I knew was hindering my progress. For whatever reason, I couldn't mentally reset until my official Weight Watchers week was over. Silly, but it was what it was, I accepted it instead of fighting it, and because of that I easily got back to my positive habits. Miraculous. So much easier.

I think I have another little quirk worked out.

I went to yoga on Friday, and yesterday. I was all set to go today, but my brain was already thinking ahead to tomorrow, and the rest of the week, and I was caught up in the idea of going every single day. And you know how I get when there's pressure...

So I thought to myself, what's a good way to stop this cycle I'm always putting myself in? How can I prevent myself from creating all this false pressure to do something I love to do anyway? With that anxiety, as we all know, comes the "should", and then I might just not.

Hmm. Maybe...I only go two days in a row at a time, for now?

It's a silly little thing, but I think it might work. Having an external limitation like that  (or maybe the better word is structure) is a way of keeping a lid on that anxiety, and then I have room to get excited about yoga, and miss it. Not going today allows me to go to bed tonight anxious in a good way, happy to wake up for my one of my favorite teacher's 6 AM class tomorrow, and not feel like there's any requirement hanging over my head, inflicted by, well, me.

I'm so weird.

But hey, at least I'm learning something about myself, and actively working to heal it and move past it. That's progress, right?

I want to quote a little Baron Baptiste from "Journey Into Power" of course, from the section where he's discussing some of the common mental mistakes people make in their yoga practice. In the part where he discusses people not understanding their resistance, he says: 

"Resistance can be a great teacher. It exposes your state of mind and being---your fears, attachments, and limiting beliefs. Then it's up to you to choose whether to continue protecting your existing patterns or expose them to the light."

Weighty Matters and Foodie Thoughts

I'm such an early bird this week! Tree and I have been snuggled up in bed since before seven chatting with a Weight Watchers friend, and we have rambly thoughts to share.

Look, here's the thing: I am a scale addict.

I have tried not to be, and I do believe deep down in my soul that you and I are more than the number, but still, I compulsively step on my little plastic Taylor scale multiple times a day, and you know what? With all the other issues I have and the demons I'm fighting and the mountains I'm climbing, this one is kind of far down on the list. I'm okay with being a scale addict.

What prompted this realization was that being up early means I weighed myself around 6:30, but didn't log the weight officially, it being Friday and all. Because I know, from years of experience, that I will lose a full pound at least within the next hour or so.

The human body is a hilarious thing.

Anyway, as I was talking with my WW Lady and sharing my stories of scale addiction, she pointed out another mountain that is just too daunting to deal with: the whole "clean eating" thing. And she's so right. Yes, I know it's a good idea to cut out all the processed crap and eat mostly from God's green Earth and so on, but isn't it enough that I eat well right now? Do I have to eat perfectly?

There are just entirely too many battles to fight all at once. So many balls to juggle. I cannot juggle all the balls.

I ain't no porn star.

Anyway, these are my musings of the morning, as I rationalize my consumption of totally processed frozen meals four days a week. Because they are easy and delicious.

Like me.

And I'm done.

The Reset Button

You know my very favorite thing about Weight Watchers?

The reset button.

Every week, you get to hit it and start over. Bam. It's done. New week, new batch of weekly points, new chance to earn activity points and get your shit right. Wipe the slate clean. Tabula rasa.

My problem is, if I mess up, I can't really hit a mental reset until my Weight Watchers week is actually over. I'm sure I could if someone held a gun to my head, but you know, behaviorally, on my own, I just...can't. I tried today and I failed, I was tempted by the Wednesday lunch pasta and desserts, and my self-defeatist attitude.

It doesn't matter how long I've been at this, I still get stuck in the same self-destructive behaviors.

Self-demeaning.

Self-demolishing.

But I want to break that phone. Just break it.

It's such a cliche, the way my brain trips me up, when I stumble I want to fall, when I eat a little I think, might as well eat a lot.

I'm a case study in cray.

I know I'll try tomorrow, and maybe I'll succeed, but I'll probably fail. Maybe that's negative thinking, or maybe it's just realistic. I already know there will be booze and appetizers after work, so I know I'm in for a hard day.

But I also know on Friday, when my week starts over once again, I'll be infused with a fresh batch of motivation, and I'll be ready to face a new week with a new attitude.

This is what we decided in therapy tonight. Maybe I don't have to be so hard on myself about this one thing (well, all things, but this one thing in particular). Maybe I can allow myself this habit, this ritual or quirk, and know it works for me. I like symbolism, I love my new week and my fresh slate, and I need to let myself wait for that moment.

I just love my button, and I know on Friday, I will reset.

WW Recap 4/12-4/18: Great, Not Great

This week was great, and not great at the same time.

It was not great because I totally went into the red with my points, and just ate what I wanted the past few days. But it turns out that eating what I wanted doesn't mean crazy binging anymore, not quite. I ate like a pretty normal person, almost. Just a normal person who wasn't on a diet. So that was the great. Learning that I can, in fact, eat two pieces of pizza and be full and satisfied and happy, and a few bags of chips, not a billion and a half. Who knew?

I thought I would gain this week with my food choices and my period, but I actually maintained. Which was a totally pleasant surprise, but I won't take it it as permission to continue as I have been.

So we're back on track today, oh yes we are!

Goals!

1) Go to yoga five times. (One measly day, but the first day of my challenge!)
2) Keep reading. (Some!)
3) Finish my other stupid wrist warmer that it's too warm for anyway. (NO. Worked on it though. I WANT TO GIVE UP.)
4) Make a new recipe. (Yes!)
5) Deep clean my apartment. (Yes, ish! Then it devolved.)

And goals?

1) Go to yoga five times.
2) Go to double yoga.
3) Keep reading.
4) FINISH WRISTWARMER BUT I DON'T WANT TO.
5) Deep clean my apartment, more thoroughly, again.

200 to 147: What Else Is Buried?

This morning one of my Weight Watcher ladies and I got to sending each other before/after pictures back and forth.

God, it's just fascinating, isn't it?

Looking at pictures of ourselves last year, two years ago, or in this case, three, it makes you wonder what else is buried inside of us, if only we take the time to carve it out. 

WW Recap 3/15-3/21: Spring Attitude

This week was a happy little spring bloom. I shook off the slight gloom of last week, and everything was  bright and shiny and wonderful...if you ignore the fact, you know, spring brought me an allergy explosion that necessitated four boxes of tissues in four days.

I am actually really glad that last week happened. I am glad that I fell off the wagon a bit, had some bingey days, sooner rather than later. I'm glad that I got my shit together before I went completely nuts, and I didn't go completely off the rails, I just...had a bad spell. And I got over it. I'm human, it happens, I dealt with it. I learned that I can get back on the horse. I won't always be perfect. It was a good lesson.

Progress. Knowledge. Growth. Woo.

Weight was good this week. A couple ounces up from where it was last time I logged it, but who really gives a fuck? Not this girl.

Goals from last week?

1) Go to yoga three times. (Nope, oh well! Favorite Friday class, gross allergy sickness all week.)
2) Read another book. (Some?)
3) Knit something. (Nooooo! I have a project in progress! On my bookcase! I just...forget! Because I cannot multitask and knit! And I love to multitask!)
4) Stay 100% OP. (Yes!)
5) Track everything. (Yes!)

Goals for this week?

1) Go to yoga four times.
2) Read another book.
3) Knit something.
4) Eat my activity points the day I earn them.
5) Leave the office for lunch every day.

Sneak Peek NSV

Shhh. Don't tell my therapist.

I peeked at the scale today.

And I'm back to where I was before I went to Vegas.

Ain't that grand?

This is a non scale victory even though it involves my scale because in the last five days or so I proved to myself I can get right back on track after falling off, and return to my good habits, while still indulging, without any sort of huge breakdown.

SUCCESS.

Five Vegas NSVs

I had a few moments when I was in Vegas that just made me feel awesome. I am back to getting validation and positive reinforcement from internal and external sources, independent of the number on the scale, which is so fantastic and makes me feel so good. Those are the things that will keep me constantly moving forward, and those are the things that I need to hold on to and remind myself of when shit gets hard. Regardless of the number going up or down or staying the same, what really matters is how I feel inside and what I see when I look at myself, body and soul.

So, non-scale victories! Let's discuss.

1) When I was in the shower Friday morning before the road trip, I was bent in half, shaving the backs of my thighs. Which I rarely do, 'cause who ever encounters the backs of my thighs? Exactly. So, I'm contorted awkwardly, face to flesh with a rarely-seen body part, and it looked...different. I narrowed my eyes. I cocked my head. Is that...what is that?

It took me a minute to figure it out.

It was a muscle. I HAVE FREAKING THIGH MUSCLE DEFINITION.

2) My eating in Vegas was definitely a NSV in and of itself, but there were certain moments I can point to where I'm like, LOOK AT ME GO! When we were on our drive, and we opened up a bag of Doritos and I just had a few to satisfy my craving, and stopped without any internal fighting. I was just done. When Buff brought frozen yogurt up to the room for me and the Biff, I had a few bites then decided I didn't need any more. Not because I'd had too much to eat already that day, or out of some silly self-denial---just 'cause I didn't want any more, so I stopped. I'm learning to listen to my body's cues, and that's amazing.

3) The first night we were there, just as we were getting ready to leave, I was staring at myself in the full length mirror in the bathroom and drunkenly announced, "I have never felt this skinny. I mean, I know I've weighed less, but I have never looked this damn good." I mean granted, I was wearing Spanx, but I'll take it.

4) I also drunkenly proclaimed my body "More like Kim Kardashian than Kate Moss and I AM OKAY WITH THAT! Even though I HATE KIM KARDASHIAN!" God, I was probably so obnoxious. Sorry, friends.

5) Quite honestly, I don't remember ever getting as much attention from dudes as I did this weekend. But more than that, I've never accepted attention the way I did this weekend. Usually my inner dialogue after a guy says something like, "Hey, you're going the wrong way beautiful!" when I walk past would be "Oh, he's making fun of you" but my brain didn't play those mean tricks on me this time. I took a compliment as truth and it made me glow. I accepted double takes and sideways glances as praise, not insults, and they gave me a little extra wiggle in my step. And it felt amazing.

Hair Trigger

So, I talked about food yesterday.

And I was doing really well getting back on track.

I ate good things all day, things from the ground and things with protein. I was all pre-tracked to land on target with points for the day.

But...there was a barely touched jar of Jif in my kitchen from our Vegas travels. I should not have bought the peanut butter to begin with, 'cause it's a trigger food for me, but I thought, "peanut butter and banana sandwiches are EXCELLENT DRINKING FOOD", so I snuck it in my shopping cart, and we didn't even open it on the trip, but the Biff and I had some Sunday night, and then last night as soon as I remembered its existence I couldn't get it out of my head...

And then suddenly I was on my bed with a fork, eating peanut butter straight from the container.

What the flying fuck?

So this morning I threw that goddamn jar in the dumpster.

I am never buying peanut butter again.

WW Recap 3/1-3/7: Well, then.

On Wednesday, I was kind of worried, I'll be honest with you. I hadn't lost any weight, I was actually up a few ounces, and I was all ready to talk myself down from the ledge.

"It's okay that you didn't lose this week. You had a huge loss last week, and you did so awesome this week with your yoga and your eating so who cares what the scale says? IRRELEPHANT!"

But I ended up losing 1.2 pounds.

Well, then!

Goals!

1) Go to yoga five times. (Fuck. Yeah. My. Bitches. Plus. Double. Yoga.)
2) Make a recipe. (Yup, dinner for my parents.)
3) Read a book. (Half of one?)
4) Schedule blog posts for while I'm in Vegas so I'm technically posting every day till my bday. (Chya. They're very exciting.)
5) Don't weigh myself every day. (Heh, every single freaking day, actually, without fail. I did so much better last week when I wasn't actively trying to resist. What is wrong with my brain?)

Goals?

1) Have the best fucking time in Vegas and on your birthday, and eat delicious things, but don't go fucking insane like you're never going to eat again. Just indulge like a normal person.
2) Go to yoga three times.
3) Read a fucking book, seriously, what is wrong with you, YOU LIKE READING.
4) Practice yoga at home.
5) Knit something.

WW Recap 2/22-2/28: Woo.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Non-Scale Victories: I'm back in my skinny jeans. I can actually see changes in my body when I look in the mirror. I am starting to feel confident again.
Scale Victory: -3.2 pounds! WHAT?!
Reward: Under 155 again, which is 5% lost from where I started post-hiatus, so I get a mani/pedi next week for my birthday trip to Vegas!

WHAT YOU SAY? VEGAS?!?!

Oh yes! Next weekend, this will be me, with two of my favorite girls in the world, the Biff and the Married Lady, celebrating my quarter century birthday.

Goals for the week?

1) Go to yoga three times. (Yup! Cause I'm a yogi rock star! And two walks.)
2) Go to yoga at night. (Tuesday! And I remembered that I don't avoid going to yoga after work 'cause I'm lazy (though I am), but 'cause the parking situation is a NIGHTMARE, and because it gives me so much energy after and I can't get to sleep before 12. Note to self!)
3) Make a recipe. (Shrimp nuggets!)
4) Read a book. (No! Heh.)
5) Write some fiction. (Eh, a bit? I just don't have the creative juices. Blogging's where it's at!)

COULD I USE MORE !!!!!!!!!!?

Goals for this week! Which, by the way, ends with me leaving for motherfucking VEGAS for my motherfucking BIRTHDAY TRIP. IN CASE YOU FORGOT.

1) Go to yoga five times. (You heard me! I want to be feeling as amazing as possible for my trip, and nothing makes me feel as incredible as a string of sweaty hot hot yoga classes.)
2) Make a recipe.
3) Read a book.
4) Schedule blog posts for while I'm in Vegas so I'm technically posting every day till my bday.
5) Don't weigh myself every day.

It's just food.

Some people live their whole lives with a completely healthy relationship with food. When they're hungry, they eat, stop when they're satisfied, and they choose things that are filling, tasty and nourishing. They indulge when they want to, eat reasonable amounts, and feel no guilt. Maybe sometimes they gain a few on vacation, or lose too many when they're stressed, but usually they're in balance.

I'm not one of those people. In case you didn't know that already.

Why is food such a goddamn problem for me, and so many people? IT'S JUST FUCKING FOOD. You buy it, you make it, you eat it. It's not complicated.

Except it is.

I can't speak for everyone in the world, obviously. I can only speak to myself and my own experiences and my own special flavor of crazy (which today is jalapeno cheddar Cheeto). But I have come up with a few reasons why I think food is such a big fucking deal.

Food Is Such A Big Fucking Deal Because...

1) Food is delicious. I mean, obviously.

2) Food is love. When I'm happy, I reward myself with food. When I'm sad, I comfort myself with food. When I'm stressed, food calms me down, when I'm angry, food soothes me, when I'm lonely, it keeps me company. All emotions somehow feel the same to me, like anxious hot energy in my core, and ever since I was a kid I've used food as a tool to process those emotions. It's an ingrained habit. I don't know how it started, I don't know why, maybe through therapy I'll figure it out and maybe I won't, but all that matters is that them's the facts. Food is love to me. Yes, it's delicious, but that is not the motivation that drives me to binge or ballooned me up to 200 pounds in the space of a few years. When I go through periods of depression or sadness or stress, I eat. I need to come up with new ways to deal with my shit. Hence, you know, therapy and drugs and yoga and trying to be happy and all that nonsense.

3) Food is morality. From a very young age, people are taught the difference between "good" and "bad". And it doesn't take long for us humans to start applying those moral concepts to everything, including our food and nutrition. How many times have you said something like, "Oh, this is so bad for me"? Something might be an unhealthy choice for you, but that doesn't make it bad or wrong or SATANIC, and you are not bad if you eat it. IT'S JUST FUCKING FOOD. But when you're eleven, twelve, thirteen years old, and society is giving you these messages about how this donut is A KITTEN KILLER, you can definitely pick up some warped views about how to eat. And they will stick with you, and screw with your mind and your body image and your mental health. To be quite honest with you, I literally do not know what it's like to eat like a normal person. Since I turned sixteen, gained a driver's license and the freedom to feed myself, I have had two modes: diet mode, and eat whatever the hell I want mode. Even now, while I'm doing really well, I am fighting feelings of guilt and shame when I eat. It's fucked up, yo.

4) Food is unavoidable. This is a common topic raised in Weight Watchers, therapy, etc. If you're an alcoholic, you can abstain from alcohol. If you're a gambling addict, you can avoid Vegas and the Super Bowl spread. But if you're a binge eater or an anorexic or just someone who has issues with nutrition and your body, you cannot avoid food entirely. You have to deal with your enemy every day. It's in your face. It's unavoidable. You cannot go cold turkey, at least not if you want to live. These past few weeks have been  such a relief for me, because whatever weird anxiety I have surrounding food has subsided somewhat. Give credit to Big Pharma, 'cause I think my happy pills get that credit. I still have my moments, but overall the generalized panic I've endured for, you know, life, is kind of...gone? And that's kind of amazing.

WW Recap 2/15-2/21: BOW DOWN

I'm just a motherfuckin' Weight Watchers GANGSTA.

This week I:

• Earned 38 activity points, ate every single one, but ate no weekly points.
• Successfully avoided weighing myself every day.
• Lost a pound.
• Ate delicious things and didn't feel guilty about them. (Okay, didn't feel TOO guilty about them.)
• Was happy.

PRAISE ME DAMMIT.

I'll wait.

Goals for the week?

1) Get my GHGs every day. (BOOYAH! Every damn day, even those motherfucking oils. I PUT THEM IN LEAN CUISINES PEOPLE.)

2) Go to yoga four times. (You betcha! PLUS my hike.)

3) Tech-free two nights. (YES! On Tuesday I honestly thought I was gonna willfully fail and just do it again next week, but I didn't! I read all night and it was super. Okay, I half cheated last night, and took myself to a movie, but I still say it counts. Because it wasn't my own tech, it was someone else's...)

4) Make a recipe. (Ehhh. By the time I finished my pizza leftovers, knowing I was going out of town today, I got lazy. Lots of salads...that I made?)

5) Read a book. (Yup! Finished one, started another, that makes a whole book.)

Goals for this week!

1) Go to yoga three times. (Since I'm in SB for the weekend, I don't want to risk not making it four times and bumming myself out.)
2) Go to yoga at night. (I haven't since I started back. Only morning and lunch. Cause I like my nights for lazy.)
3) Make a recipe.
4) Read a book.
5) Write some fiction.

Bingiversary

As you may have noticed, I like to celebrate the anniversaries of things. It titillates my mild OCD.

Today is officially one month since my last binge.

Can I just say? Feeling awesome.

It's a combination of factors that have gotten me to this point. The point where I'm sitting here, on the last day of my Weight Watchers week, with plenty of points available so I could, in theory, binge if I wanted to. If I had that urge somewhere inside me.

But I don't. Not really.

And that is fucking fabulous.

In attempts to work through my pile of issues (cancel my subscription, pleeeeease), I've been doing an awful lot of navel-gazing recently. My navel is fascinating and deep, clearly. A veritable ocean of information. And some lint.

Of course, most of my musings center around my disordered eating problems. All the crap swirling around in my brain tends to manifest itself that way. And just because I'm doing well now doesn't mean I won't fall victim to the same insecurities and hangups and tumble off track all over again. It's happened before. I was so damn cocky almost a year ago, and look what that turned into. There is no guarantee that in a few months, a few years, a decade from now, I won't trip up, gain weight back, find myself so unhappy again. So I'm trying really hard to analyze all the whys and hows and whats of my issues, so I can just...fix myself.

There are a number of posts coming up in the next week or so that dig deep into my psyche  I know, you're like, "SERIOUSLY TAYLOR, HAVEN'T WE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR CRAZY?"

No, you have not.

But for now, on this my Bingiversary, I have lists for you.

I LOVE LISTS.



Top Three Tangible Things That Have Help Me Not To Binge

1) I was just fucking sick of it. I had eaten everything under the goddamn sun. There was nothing left. And besides, once you've spent $25 on gourmet cupcakes and puked them up involuntarily while sobbing, you kind of lose the desire to eat everything.

2) Hi, medication. Pretty little pills. Placebo effect or no, they're obviously working.

3) Getting back to yoga. Burning calories, earning APs, and having the freedom and ability to eat something extra if I want to, has transformed the meaning behind that action from "binging" to "treating", and that mentality makes all the difference.

Three Therapeutic Realizations That Help Me Not To Binge

1) The bad feelings I am trying to suppress by eating never really go away. They actually get worse. The good feelings I get from eating last a hell of a lot less time than the good feelings I get by resisting eating.

2) I am incredibly, incredibly hard on myself, and I use food as a weapon against my own body and mind. When I feel bad, I figure I might as well feel as bad as possible, and I torture myself. It's fucked up. (More on this later.)

3) I am afraid of success, because what happens if I succeed and things aren't everything I hoped they'd be? Then what do I do? Who do I blame? (More on this later too.)

Three Delicious Things I Eat Regularly Instead of McDonald's

1) Sushi.

2) Lean Cuisines (yes, some of them are delicious, okay?).

3) Salads with a shitload of cheese.

Three Times I Have Wanted To Binge But Didn't (Cause let's be honest here, it hasn't been totally smooth sailing)

1) When my friend really hurt my feelings last week and all I wanted was to suppress the self-loathing she ignited in me with something sweet. But I didn't.

2) When I just randomly felt super lonely one night, and Bentley refused to cuddle me, and my mom was too busy to talk to me on the phone, and I had the points and could have had ALL THE FRENCH FRIES if I wanted to go to the drive thru. But I didn't.

3) When I planned in advance for a delicious breakfast burrito treat, and after the first bite I was like OMGIWANTFOUROFTHESE and honestly considered ordering another one. But halfway through the burrito I realized, no, I would be perfectly content with one, thanks.

Three Things I Have Realized About Myself

1) I'm a lot stronger than I think.

2) I can be happy with what I have.

3) I only get one life, so why am I wasting it by hating myself?