*peek*

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I'm the WORST.

As the Biff said, how can she stalk me when I never post?! Only ten posts in October? Pathetic.

Fail.

I just haven't felt any creativity lately. Which is silly, because half this blog isn't creative at all, it's just nonsense. And I should be able to do nonsense. I am nonsensical.

So you know...hi! What's up? How's life? Any stories?

I have stories.

Let's break it down.

Job

I LOVE MY NEW JOB! I was so, so scared before starting, afraid I was jumping in to something I wasn't ready for, afraid I wasn't smart enough, afraid I'd fail, just afraid. But apparently I'm pretty awesome at it, because they set me free to work on my own by the end of the week. Weeeeeee! Everyone is super nice, the offices are lovely, and I actually feel useful. It's amazing how fast the day flies when a) you're constantly busy and b) you're done at 4pm. It's like magic. So yeah, super stoked on the new gig. Go. Me.

Boys

Well, things are not as fabulous in my love life as they are in my work life, but we can't have it all, right? RIGHT?! (Please be to not comment if everything in your life is awesome, yes? Yes.) I had lunch with Vegas last weekend, and it was lovely, but I don't really get the vibe that he's all that interested in like...dating. He's a busy Phd student, it's fine, I still love the fact that we actually hung out after we met that one crazy night, and I'd see him again if he asked. But I'm not holding my breath. As for Nicknameless, I don't think I have to work very hard on giving him a nickname, 'cause I just have this inkling that he's over it. I have barely heard from him this week, and my last invitation to hang was brushed aside with a "oh, very busy, maybe later" text. I'm a little sad, but what can you do? If he doesn't see that I'm FUCKING AWESOME, then I don't need him in my life.

Health

Well, I've been going to yoga! I could complain that I should be going more, but something is...something, right? I really do feel so much better when I have a consistent practice going. As for my diet...not so much. I mean, I'm not totally in binge mode. So that's good. But I'm making poor choices, and going with whatever's easiest, and I'm feeling rather....grotesque. When I'm at yoga, it's hard to shut off the part of my brain that notices how different things feel now that I'm bigger again, and how I look in the mirror. But baby steps, right? RIGHT?! I'll get back to my good habits eventually, and for now I just want to concentrate on yoga, and not what I'm putting in my mouth. 

Happiness

I'm trying. I'm really trying to let everything good in my life be my focus, and trying so hard not to let the darkness in. But it's hard. I feel like there are two parts of me, the part that is living an amazing life right now and knows it, the part that is making friends and making changes (however small) and moving forward, and that part knows I should be happy. But then there's the other part of me that just...can't be, the part that berates myself for my flaws and failures, the part that doesn't want to leave my apartment, the part that needs to be medicated. Heavily. The part that thinks I'm worthless. But...I'm trying. 

And that's what matters.

Organix

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you may have noticed that I don't have many romantic entanglements that don't start out on the Internet. It's a sign of the times people.

And a sign of my total isolation?

But this past couple of weeks, I have had two suitors that have appeared rather...organically? And it's just NICE. Something about them feels more exciting, somehow. Authentic.

And in addition to that, on Sunday I randomly met a guy out in the world, who seemed to take a liking to me.

WHAT IS GOING ON, UNIVERSE?!

I had a date with Suitor #1 last Thursday, this guy. Yeah, sure he found and messaged me on OkCupid, but I know him. Sorta. Well, I've met him once before. That means he's real!

As for how it was? Well...as he walked me back to my car, he said very plainly, "You know, I have to say I'm really happy with how that went." And when I voiced my agreement, he slipped his hand into mine.

Awww.

He's suuuuper handsome. That's definitely the word for him, handsome. And funny, and smart, and has varied interests, and a lot to say, and he looks at me...in a way that I like. Like he finds me interesting.

We had another date last night, which was even more fun. He picked me up, and we went to a wine bar, and there's mucho chemistry, and we will definitely be seeing each other again.

Boy needs a nickname.

Suitor #2 was on Saturday night. Vegas. YUP.

I texted him last week. You heard right, I grew me some ladyballs and made the first move. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? And I really wanted to see him again, so I figured...why not? Worst outcome would be no reply, and I could survive that.

And he actually responded right away, lo and behold. And a few days later, after a little texting back and forth, he asked me out.

WIN.

It went very well! We definitely had fun, or at least, I did. There were grilled cheese sandwiches and cocktails at a little hipster bar, and witty banter and flirting. I teased him for not texting me, and it's clear that he's just a shy little PhD student who didn't know if it was okay to do so, and it's really quite adorable. I like his beard and his little glasses and yeah...he's really fucking cute. I think he likes me but I'm not sure and those little butterflies are deliciously torturous.

He did text me to make sure I got home okay, and he also texted me the next morning too. So...good signs? We've chatted once since then, but he hasn't asked me out again.

We'll see.

Suitor #3 may not really be a suitor...WE'LL SEEEEEE. On Sunday, I went to brunch with the yoga girls, and one of them brought along two of her male friends. One of them has been chatting me up via text and FB for the last couple of weeks, but it was the other one who I hit it off with. After brunch the girls all left and my drunk-on-mimosas self was going to go home and veg, but the boys started a very persistent campaign to get me to come hang out with them at their house in the Valley. I ultimately gave in, and the new guy drove me and my car out to their place. The other guy got...delayed...on the way to the house (I'm shortening up this story for the sake of propriety), which resulted in an afternoon spent with this new boy, who really did seem to fancy me. But when the other guy finally arrived at the house along with a group of his friends, he just...disappeared.

It was weird.

And then I was left to deal with the increasingly obnoxious advances of one of the new people, a tiny little man who was getting all up in my personal space and would not leave me alone. Awkward.

So since I wasn't having fun, I left.

My guy texted me later like, "Where'd you go?"

WHERE'D YOU GO, BUDDY?!

So, I don't know if I'll hear from him, considering I left without saying goodbye, and he didn't seem to like me enough to you know...stick around.

But regardless...I have enough other men on my plate to deal with.

Clearly.

AWKWARD CITY

I mean...of course.

My life is a constant series of random clusterfucks and ridiculous coincidences, so why should today be any different?

Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned getting a message on OkCupid from a guy I made out with in college? He was a friend of my Biff's, and we met at her 20th birthday party, oh...six years ago? I'm so old.

We ended up chatting a bit, then he asked me out for a drink. At the time, I was theoretically trying to make things work with Thumper, so I said we could meet for a friendly catch-up as I was seeing someone, and he was fine with that. Well, now I'm not seeing anyone, so tomorrow's drink is in this odd date/not-date zone, depending on how he's changed after you know, six years.

That is not my story.

This is my story.

So, this boy (nickname as yet to be determined) works at a rock climbing gym in addition to being an actor-y sort. A gym where, quite coincidentally, Thumper happens to climb. Yeah. Yeah. He actually just started a month long unlimited pass this week. Mmhmm.

But that's not the story.

No, the story is that today's SUPERFUN team building event, which I did not plan? Guess where it is?

Uh huh.

I'm apparently supposed to go rock climbing, at his job, with my co-workers, when I have not seen him in SIX YEARS.

AWKWARD CITY.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to go, not because of this awkward shit, but because I already tried rock climbing this summer (on da boat!) and I'm at my capacity for adventurous things, apparently. And I just don't WANT TO. But I texted him to warn him I may be showing up at his job, with the insistence that "I am not a stalker!"

"That's what a stalker would say," he replied.

GOD.

My life.

I pulled the trigger.

It's done.

No, not really.

I said what I wanted to say, and of course Thumper was as sweet as he ever is. No defensiveness, no arguing, just listening and support. And of course I did what I didn't want to do, I cried a little, and he ended up comforting me.

I am the worst.

He could see it coming this week. And he appreciated my honesty, and said he agreed with what I had to say. He even said he thought I was right. What else was he going to say? He's Thumper.

And of course, even though everyone tells you not to, because it's selfish but I AM selfish, I told him, no pressure, but let me know...about that friends thing. And he said he might like that, because he really does like me. Like I like him.

Right before I left, he said with a joking lilt to his voice, "Tell Bentley I still love him!"

Ugh. Excuse me while I go wallow in self-pity entirely of my own making, because I am COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY THE ONE WHO DESERVES TO BE SAD RIGHT NOW.

Failure To Launch

Okay, breakup was a no go. Didn't happen.

Originally, Thumper was going to come over to my place, then I realized I couldn't very well have him drive all the way to me to get dumped without being a total bitch in the situation. So I offered to drive to him, which then resulted in him trying to get me to meet him and his friends for a beer. No. No no no no no. That could not happen. So I cancelled.

Fail.

So, I guess I should just go ahead and explain why this breakup is happening, even though it hasn't happened yet. I feel shitty about doing so, since I planned to actually do the deed before broadcasting the details to the world, but since I'm fairly certain Thumper remains oblivious to the existence of this blog, I'm gonna.

But just in case...

SERIOUSLY.

It's pretty simple. It's just...not there. The spark. The connection. That thing you're supposed to feel, that electric something. The intangible. The thing you can't fake, no matter how hard you try.

I wish it was. I want it to be. I really, really do. Thumper is everything I could want in a guy. On paper, he's really the perfect boy for me---he's smart and funny and kind and cute and successful and supportive and so similar to me in so many ways. We have so much fun hanging out. I really think he gets me, as a person, and appreciates me.

He likes me. That much is clear. And I do like him. I do.

Which is why I feel like the shittiest person in the world when I say that I just...don't feel it enough. When I look at him, when I kiss him...it's not the way it should be, after over two months. I've given it time, I've tried to let it grow, and it hasn't. Maybe it can't.

What I want? It isn't him. And what he wants isn't me.

Since I've decided this, I've felt awful, and guilty, and tortured, and and awful. And I've felt awful about feeling awful, because this shouldn't be about me, right? I'm not the one getting dumped. And then I feel awful about feeling awful that I think he'll feel awful, because how do I know he will? And then I'm cycling into a pit of total self-loathing.

I really should adjust my meds. 

I haven't been questioning my decision, though. Because with each fawning and flirty text Thumper has sent me over the last few days, texts I cannot reciprocate or acknowledge in any way lest I lead him on, a pricking knife drives deeper into my conscience, and I know I'm doing the right thing. Because he deserves better than someone who doesn't fully appreciate him and his sweetness. I don't understand why I can't, honestly. He's quite literally the best guy I've ever dated, no one else has ever treated me this well, and I can't fathom why I can't feel the way about him I want to feel. 

But...I clearly don't. And I can't try to force it. To date Thumper any longer past this point would be inauthentic, untrue to myself and a lie to him. That's not fair. 

And not what I want.

What I want is something pure and passionate, real and spontaneous. Something honest. I want to meet someone, and just feel it. Not meet someone, and hope it grows. I want to have a first date last for hours, talk until our throats are dry and the bar is closing down. I don't want to hope for the conversation next time to be better, or different. I need a touch to be electric, eye contact to speak volumes, not things to be tentative, need permission, ask questions. I want to be surprised, not comfortable, challenged, not surrendered to. I just want something different and new and unknown. 

Emotional Overload

Life is overwhelming right now.

I have so many posts I could write. SO MUCH IS GOING ON. I don't even know where to begin.

I have things I should be doing right now. I should be packing to leave for San Francisco early in the am. I should be wrapping the gifts for the bridal shower I'm going to once I get there. I should be showering, or cleaning, or taking out the trash.

But for now, I'm sitting. On brain overload, totally incapacitated.

Shit That's Going On Right Now

*I had a second interview for that job today. Yup. And I think it went really, really well. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I might get it, and if I do...i have to decide if I want it. I know, I said I really did, but now I'm panicking, because change is scary and what if I can't do it? And it's not a raise. And it would be a really intense, non-creative, technical job, and I'm worried it'll do nothing but stress me out, and is that better or worse than me hating and being unfulfilled by my current job? Plus side, it gives me more experience on my resume, and I need a change, and it's really just as close to home as my current job....ahhhhhhhhhh.

*This bachelorette party is going to be so fun, but I'm stressin'. What to wear? What to pack? How much am I gonna spend? Will I run out of money before my next paycheck? Did I buy enough of a gift? Should I get something else? 

*I'm breaking up with Thumper tonight. Yeah. It's gonna suck.

Danger Zone

Thumper was over last night, and we ordered takeout.

On my compter.

Where this blog is linked, very clearly, right at the top.

MOTHERFUCKER.

So...yeah. He could have seen the name, and thought to himself, "Gee, I wonder what FreakOutInColor is?" and decided to Google it later. Especially after I quickly deleted the links out of paranoia while he seemed to glance away from the screen. That could have caused suspicion.

SO HI GUY THAT I'M DATING YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. IF YOU COME TO THIS BLOG OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KEEP READING.

That's not going to stop you, is it?

Fuck me.

STK Style and Dating Dithering

I HAD A REASON TO GET PRETTY LAST NIGHT.

I do believe I may have mentioned that back after our first or second date, Thumper texted me and asked me for my email address. I pretty much assumed he just wanted to stalk me for my last name, but I provided it, and he forwarded me a GroupOn type deal for a fancy schmancy LA steak house for drinks and appetizers in their bar.

"Do you want me to buy this for us?" he asked.

Uh, yes.

Then we didn't end up using it for two months.

Boy was thinking ahead, is what I'm saying.

So anyway, last night was our big fancy date night, which was a long time coming. See, one thing about me and Thumps is that we are very similar. Which can be good, or can be bad. We both love staying in, and cuddling on the couch, and being lazy, and watching TV. Our dating habits very quickly shifted into that being the norm. And I don't really want that to be the norm. I want to be in a relationship that challenges me, and I want to date someone who takes me out and explores the city with me and doesn't let me languish in my comfort zone.

Though, granted, it isn't totally fair to put that responsibility on someone I'm dating and not on myself, but that's another post.

I digress.

I GOT PRETTY.

The date itself was lovely. Cocktails, appetizers, conversation.

And compliments.

:)

Plus: a dirty martini with bleu cheese stuffed olives.

ORGASMIC.

Overall, it was a loverly date...which ended with us on the couch, cuddling, and watching TV. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, to be precise.

Perfection.

A Monday List (And a gif party!)

So, I might be back.

Not making any promises, though.

I was told I was missed. Have I been?! I MISSED YOU.

It's hard to post when I'm feeling bad. And I've been feeling bad guys. SO BAD. Just about life. You read. You know.

But I might be feeling better?

I had a great weekend. Great. I had a lovely day yesterday. I had a nice night last night full of writing. And this morning...well, I don't feel perfect. But I feel like I could be doing a little better.

And besides, life is pretty good right now. Just, on its own merits. I should be counting my blessings.

A list you say, for old time's sake?

Reasons I Should Be Feeling Awesome Right Now

• I'm dating a sweetheart of a boy who's taking me here tonight. Isn't it PRETTY? I'm going to get so pretty to match. 

• I am making friends through yoga, people like me and I've had many fun nights out in the past few months. I'm not totally a weird antisocial loner like I fear I am.

• I have an interview this week and even if I don't get the job, they clearly recognized potential in me from my resume and initial phone interview. That's a win. 

• I have a supportive and awesome family who I went on an incredible, memorable vacation with, and not everyone gets to have that. Some people...well.

• I get to see my Biff tomorrow! Since she didn't make it to the Valley this weekend to hang out, we're meeting for dinner. IT'S BEEN SO LONG I WANT TO GRAB HER AND NEVER LET HER GO.

• I'm going to VEGAS THIS WEEKEND! THREE MORE SLEEPS!

Developments of the Weekend

1) Thumper pampered me on Friday night as an apology for getting me sick. I got to pick the movies, I got a massage...oh, and he showed up with gifts. Cough drops and flowers. Whipped the latter out from behind his back when I opened the door, an adorably proud smile on his face.

If you're keeping score, that makes TWO floral donations to my cause.

That boy is totes putting in the effort.

2) He did good with my friends last night, too. The Biff couldn't make it, being all scholarly in grad school, but the rest of the group had a raucous good time playing Cards Against Humanity, and Thumper held his own. They seemed to approve. I dunno guys, I really do quite enjoy him. It's not like, he's my boyfriend or anything (...yet?), but he seems to enjoy me too, and we're going out again tomorrow on our fancy date that he bought the deal for way back when we first started dating...gosh I guess two months ago? And did I mention he's going to be in Vegas at the same time as me? Yeah, that's happening. We'll only see each other briefly, since it's a girls' trip, but he'll get to meet my other lady friends too and they'll all have their judgy pants on.

3) Update on the other man in my life, my admirer from Montana. He's still admiring. I was really overwhelmed at first, 'cause a of all, I have never had anyone come on as strong as he was coming, and b of all, he was coming on in a way I didn't really know how to process. It was just like...vomiting compliments all over me, to be grotesquely descriptive.

So first I asked him to back off, which he did, and once he did I was more receptive and inclined to get to know him a bit. Then I felt comfortable instigating a dialogue wherein I basically said hey, this attention is super nice and all but I really feel like you don't know me that well and I'm leading you on when I'm not sure this is ever going to go where you seem to want it to go for reasons a, b, and c, and he said look, I don't have you on a pedestal and I enjoy having my little crush on you so as long as I'm not making you uncomfortable, I would like to continue getting to know you. So, that's that.

He has only given me ONE floral donation, for the record.

4) Job interview? Went well, I thought, I was confident getting off the phone. The interviewer said that I'd hear within two weeks whether or not I was moving forward in the process. Imagine my surprise when I heard within two HOURS that they wanted me for an in-person interview.

Well then.

It's on Wednesday morning.

MEEP!

Lifelist

Yeah, I know.

I suck.

What can I say? I haven't posted, but I've been living life. I do have things to talk about. Nothing to brag about on the, you know, weight loss front, so the whole thesis of this blog is kind of moot at this point, but we soldier on! WHO GIVES A FUCK?

Not I.

(This is a lie.

I give so many fucks.)

1) Still seeing Thumper. I think...that he is growing on me more and more. He's just fucking adorbs, y'all.

'Cept he got me sick. 'Cause boys have cooties.

2) He'll be meeting my friends this weekend, like the Biff and the Buff and her Husband and all that group. Should be a very interesting evening.

3) I have not, however, lost the urge to hunt. Like a lioness in the wild. I downloaded Tinder, which is motherfucking hilaaaaarious. I haven't met anyone off it, but it's such a boost to the ole ego. Completely superficial. Tinder, y'all. Super entertaining.

4) Exactly 7 days from oh, right now, I'll be on a plane to Vegas. VEGAS. YES BABY. To meet up with Mantana, and my Jersey girls, and my friend living in Australia, and WOOO HOOOOO. SO FREAKING EXCITED. I really don't have the money, I shouldn't be taking the time off of work, but dammit, I'M GOING.

5) Speaking of work...I have a phone interview tomorrow for a new job. Yup, back on the search. Something needs to change. I'm really excited about it. Wish me vibes.

Kryptonite Fail

So, I told y'all about my new admirer, he who only met me for a few hours before deciding I am his dream woman.

Well.

Look.

Yes, flowers are my kryptonite, but not when accompanied by a too sickeningly sweet card, when following days of over-the-top flattery and praise and pledges to "win me over".

I didn't know guys pulled these kinds of moves, honestly. There's no mystery here. No challenge. Just an influx of constant attention, and very little true interaction.

I just need to let him down easy.

'Cause this is getting ridic.

My Kryptonite

Guys.

GUYS.

He sent me flowers. Thumper sent me flowers.

Sidenote: The only two guys who have ever sent me flowers are both named XXXX. What is up with that?

Back to my point: Flowers are my kryptonite. You send me flowers, you show that effort and thought and consideration, and I will fall in love with you just a little bit. Because I am easy like that. And also, a total cliche.

I had been panicking about my test via text to Thumper on Friday. He knew how stressed I was. So, I get out of part one of the exam yesterday (WHICH I ROCKED BY THE BY), and I have a voicemail from an unknown number. It's a flower company telling me that a delivery has been left at my door. I immediately call my mother, because my assumption is that my parents sent me something. Because that's my life.

But no.

I am like a curious kitty, and I had to know. See, I wasn't going home, we (being the yoga girls) were all going out for someone's birthday, and we brought all our stuff to get ready to the studio. I HAD TO KNOW.

So I call the flower company and make them read me the card.

He quoted Bob Marley and told me it was all going to be alright, and that I was going to do great.

And I melted.

HE SENT ME FLOWERS YOU GUYS.

Things I should probably mention:

*I took him to yoga with me on Monday.
*I met his work friends on Tuesday.
*HE JUST SENT ME FLOWERS.

Flowers.

Kryptonite.

*swoon*

A Stealth Dick

So, MI? The Chicago boy in my bed yesterday?

Turned out to be a bit of a dick.

I mean, not totally. Down to his very core, maybe not. But yeah, he showed some dickish behavior. I might even go so far as to proclaim him a stealth asshole.

The details of how I came to realize this are pretty much unimportant. I give plenty of TMI on this blog, but this data is too T, even for me. But suffice it to say the cherry on top of the dick sundae is that he cancelled on me for tonight, his last night in town, quite unceremoniously, without even a perfunctory apology.

Dick.

Reasons I Did Not Post Yesterday

1) I barely touched my computer. Why?

2) I had a boy in my bed until noon. I woke up earlier and really wanted to make him leave, but thought that would be rude. So I just laid there.

3) Then I had to drive him home, and immediately get ready for yoga training.

4) Also, I had to fit in time for an emotional meltdown, because why not? I'm me, and there's always time for an emotional meltdown.

5) Then. Training. SO FUN. We did an exercise where we did our usual round robin style teaching (one person starts, then the instructor calls out someone else to take their place at random points), but with a twist. We all had to teach while taking on a character. Someone was Eeyore, someone was drunk, someone's dog had just died. We had a hilarious cowboy and a prostitute. I was a stoner. Yuuuup. It helped us see how your attitude as a teacher affects the whole room...plus it was just plain entertaining.

6) After training, a big group of us went to a bar down the street for one of the boys' birthdays, and then: we drank. We laughed. We talked about yoga. I ate healthy food. I drank some more. We had so. Much. Fun. One of the girls (I shall call her Stevie) had a guy she's dating come meet us (she found him on Tindr!). Then: I had a boy come meet us. A different boy than the one that was in my bed.

7) You know where this is going.

8) Bentley judged me.

9) So that is why I did not post yesterday.

10) And today, I'm doing something really cool. I'll tell you all about it later. But I won't be here. 

Assorted thoughts of the day.

• I forgot to put on deodorant this morning. Whoops.

• When I arrived at work yesterday, something was amiss. I felt off balance. It took me a few minutes to realize that all the trees across the street had been cut down, totally changing my view and the light coming in through the front door. THINGS FEEL SO VERY WEIRD.
• Hung out with MI last night, and he leaves in a week. I ain't sad about it. We've (or at least, I've) really enjoyed our time together and I'm totally digging my new casual dating attitude. It's so fucking FUN. 

• I had cake today.
• Amongst other things.
• I feel fat.

• I have plans tonight to hang out with one of the yoga girls and study. Yay for making new friends!
• In fact, I'm busy every night this week. Yay for having a life!
• I didn't go to yoga yesterday, but I went today, so that's 6 out of the last 7 days! GO ME!
• SO MANY !!!!

• And...no more thoughts.

Heartbeat

I had my second date with the newest boy in my stable on Saturday.

He's just...sweet.

We had a great time, we had a drink and saw a scary movie (The Conjuring) and I clung to him like a total girl and we laughed and talked after.

And then we kissed.

And as I was wrapped up in his arms, I could feel his little heart just pounding through his chest. I've seriously never had that effect on someone before. Through his skin, his shirt, and mine, I could feel it struggling to burst through to reach me.

It made me fall for him just a little bit.

My girlfriend nicknamed him Thumper.

It fits.

Lazy Linkage

The Real Women Behind Disney Princesses

This is fun! Kristen Bell will make an excellent Disney princess.

30 Reasons Cats Are Terrible Friends

Truth.

AND THIS GIF IS AMAZING.

How to Lose All The Weight You Want in Just 89 Simple Steps

Ha. Hahahaha. Haaaaa. So good.

"47. WAIT! Eat like a caveman, even though they were not very tall. Or bright. They didn't have yogurt, did they?"

27 Symptoms Of Dating In Los Angeles

Oh this is just fantastic, and dead on. I will not reply to a guy who lives on the other side of the city unless he's really cute, I mean that's practically a long distance relationship! And I cannot tell you how many emails I've gotten remarking upon the fact that I am one of the few profiles without a headshot photo.

How to Win Friends and Lovers (Mainly Lovers) With Your Online Profile

Wisdomous.