You Got Served

A friend from San Diego asked if I wanted to make $30 and serve some legal papers today. You know me, I'm always up to make drug money, so I said sure!

Then I got paranoid that these were like, surrious papers, divorce or something, and I was gonna get yelled at and have them thrown in my face and called a stupid bitch or something.

That didn't happen.

It was kind of boring. Took an hour. But I made $30! Thanks, friend!

$37.13

That's how much money I have in my checking account.

And my savings? My credit cards?

Let's not even go there.

I'm broke as a joke, y'all.

My raise was reflected on my last paycheck, a little less than $150 per paycheck. This is awesome. Not as awesome as you know....$200, 400, A TRILLION DOLLARS PER PAYCHECK, but still, awesome. And yet, somehow, I am the poorest I have been in a looooooong time.

Clearly, I really need to get back on this budgeting kick.

Things I Need To Stop Spending Money On

*Drugs.

*Hookers.

*Clothes.

*Smoothies.

*Take-out.

*Food in general, 'cause let's face it I can live off my own flesh.

*Therapy. I'll just be crazy.

*Gas to go anywhere besides work.

*Toilet paper. I CAN USE LEAVES.

*Litter. I CAN USE DIRT.

*Laundry. I will just SMELL.

*Songs on iTunes.

*Books on Kindle.

*Booze.

*Makeup.

*Joy.

*Anything fun.

Stress Substitution

I have completely and royally fucked my budget up the ass.

Sorry for the graphic language, guys. But I mean, really. REALLY. There's no other way to put it, when I look at the negative numbers in some of my categories.

The sad and simple truth: I have a shopping problem.

It's just...I need SOME SORT OF COMFORT.

I can't eat my feelings anymore. 

And I'm not dating, or having sex. 

So what does that leave when I'm sad or stressed or seething?

Shopping.

Maxi skirts and workout tanks and a necklace and a sweater and a jacket and music. OH MY.

Oh myyyy.

If I keep myself from shopping, GOD ONLY KNOWS what habit I might pick up next. Meth. Drag racing.

Or something even worse.

Something healthy.

Budget Brain

I was pretty good last year about keeping a budget, and (mostly) following it. I mean, I wasn't keeping myself to a particularly restrictive framework, but for the most part I kept under my limits, saved a little, acted like an adult.

Then when I, you know, went crazy and all that, the budget went BOOM. 'Cause it's kind of hard to stick to your dining out funds when you're binging twice a day, you know?

Along with the oodles of other goals I came up with for 2013, I wanted to get back to budgeting, 'cause this girl needs to save, and stop wasting money on stupid shit.

I did some reading and decided to start with a method I found online, mostly 'cause it allowed me to delay the actual budgeting part of budgeting for a few months. For the first three months of this year I didn't track my spending, just went about my normal business, flashing my plastic all over the place. Now that we're nearing the end of March, I'm diving into my bills and tracking my spending, figuring out where most of my  money goes, and deciding where I can cut down.

Yeah.

 Ew.

Wouldn't it be nice to have unlimited funds? Or, hey, let's think smaller, more reasonable. Wouldn't it be nice to have gotten a raise sometime in the last two years?

GymPact Potential

So, this whole GymPact thing is really interesting.

I've been intrigued for awhile now by the whole shebang, but two things have been stopping me.

1) The commitment factor. The second there's an element of pressure, I usually crumble. Having to do something is just about the most guaranteed way to make sure I don't do something. So...can I do it?

2) Remember to check in. I have the memory of a stoned goldfish. And I don't usually take my phone up to the studio, and I would have to start since there isn't phone signal in the parking garage.

In case you don't know, GymPact is an app for iPhone and Android where you commit to working out a certain number of times per week, check in at your gym (or yoga studio!), and lose a set number of money if you don't go. And you earn money if you do go, paid for by others who don't. It's a nifty system.

As I said, I'm curious about the whole thing. I'm not quite ready to commit yet, due to the two aforementioned reasons, but maybe soon...

via crunchbase.com

I mean, I can absolutely see myself be thoroughly motivated by something that involves making money.

I do enjoy money.

Fiscal Responsibility

Some may say it's emotional immaturity that leads me to bring vast amounts of laundry to my parents' house every single time I visit like I'm still in college.

Yeah...that's my bra.

I disagree. I think it's fiscal responsibility. (I am trying to think the best of myself, you know.)

Do you realize how many quarters it would take to do that many loads of dirty clothes? SO MANY QUARTERS. And quarters are real money, unlike other change. Although, recently I have promoted nickels and dimes to the status of "real change" since they earn me sufficient time on parking meters to do an errand or two, since all my quarters instantly go to live in my laundry cupcake on my bookcase.

Anyway. I don't have a point. Except that I am doing laundry allllll day. And that is not a euphemism for something dirtier. I wish.

Oh and speaking of wishes, four out of five of my Wednesday ones came true. I'll let you guess which one didn't.

Hint: me bitching about the cost of laundry should help you on that.

Adult Priorities

Back in October, my BFF and I bought tickets to see Ellie Goulding tonight at the Hollywood Palladium. BFF took the night off from work way in advance and planned to drive down to LA for a slumber party. I actually had tickets to see her last year as well, but I ended up selling them 'cause I needed the cash.

And, well, last week I sent the Biff (Biffy? Buffy? BITCH NEEDS A NICKNAME) an email letting her know that the show is sold out and tickets were selling on Craig's List for way more than we paid. Plans are in place to go to Vegas for my birthday in March (BIRTHDAY), but we're both financially struggling right now. Plus, the tickets are general admission, and you know how I feel about standing.

We decided to sell the tickets if we could make a decent amount of extra cash, and put the money towards our hotel room. And what do you know, we ended up making almost double what we first paid, and the room is paid for. SCORE!

Texted to her with the caption "make it raaaain".

The BFF is still coming down tonight and we are having a glorious girly Valentine's Day Date. It'll be amazing. More on that later.

So here's a little Ellie to start your day. I'm sorry we'd rather get drunk and make out with boys than see you, you beautiful blonde pixie. But I'm sure you understand.

Things I will do to avoid spending money.

After my Christmas generosity and too many months of spending too much cash on take-out and fast food...I'm sorta, kinda, not really kinda more like actually, broke. 

So, I cut corners in the following ways. 

• Take a half a roll of toilet paper from the work bathroom, hide it under my sweater, and scuttle back to my desk all stealthy-like. (Also applies to restaurants, retail stores and movie theaters.)
• Make a mess of plain chicken, broccoli, and Laughing Cow cheese for dinner---surprisingly tasty.
• Re-use a sweaty yoga towel so I don't have to waste quarters on laundry. 
• Turn down a social invite so I don't have to buy gas.
• Eat tuna three days in a row.
• Let my floors get disgustingly dirty 'cause I'm out of Swiffer wet wipes.
• Use Kleenex as paper towel and wonder why it doesn't work.
• Sleep on sheets with a giant rip up the middle 'cause I can't buy new ones.
• Put Fat Bentley on a diet.