Law of Averages

There's a guy on OKCupid who is actually decently cute. I know right? What are the odds? But this guy seems dumb. And boring. And persistent. Okay, maybe persistent isn't the right word....

Let me share.

So, I remember receiving messages from this guy when I set my profile up back in April or May. More than one. I never replied, because...well, I wasn't interested. And if I'm not, I don't. I reactivated my profile maybe a week ago, and he has messaged me four times since then.

Gems like:

"do you know howw much a polar bear weighs?"

or

"i have a kindergarten crush on you"

Well crafted, right? Sure to get a reply and access to what's in my pants.

I don't think this dude has any idea he's emailed me before. I think he just sits on the site all damn day, messages one liners to every single girl who tickles his...fancy. And hopes that the law of averages is on his side.

It's like the guy in the bar who uses crude pickup lines on everything in a skirt. He might get 99 slaps, but he just needs that lone girl to be like, "Yes. I will take that offer." Or it's "How I Met Your Mother", and the Naked Man. If you try and try and try, soon you'll find victory.

I will never reply, but I'm sure some day this poor fellow will get the answer he's been waiting for:

"I dunno, how much DOES a polar bear weigh?"

Faux Friend Zone

So, I reactivated my OKCupid recently.

A friend of mine set one up for herself, which inspired me to check in on my dormant profile. I got few decent messages, a few standard "sups", and one that was just okay. Until I read his profile. And he appears to be a stunning douche. In a variety of exciting ways!

The first part of his profile, the first thing you read before you learn what he does or likes or wants, is a rant about "the friend zone". And how he definitely doesn't want to get stuck there, and if you think you might put him in that dreadful place, he wants nothing to do with you. He wants a relationship damn it. NOT FRIENDS. So if you think there's any change you might not sleep with him, any at all, don't you dare message him and waste his time.

I was feeling sassy.

In response, I sent him a blog post titled "The friend zone is bullshit and here is why".

A choice quote:

Men who say they were friend zoned are often the same Nice Guys who think that if they had tried harder they could have won her over. These men view women as pretty sparkly prizes with vaginas. Men can win one of their own if they are just patient and nice enough and avoid the friend zone. Becoming friends with a girl is what men get after they fail at that. It’s their consolation prize.

I hoped I was doing a service to the Universe. Probably not, I don't think he "got" it. But a girl's gotta try.

SHOUTY FEMINIST HIPPIE

For the most part, I have kept it pretty light on this blog. Or, the less light stuff, comes from my own pathetic emotional fuckery. I figure, there are dozens of people better qualified than myself out there on the Internet, writing about all the important shit, so I'll just talk about kitties and shoes and pretty boys.

But in the last week or so, I have been overwhelmed with so many stories from the news that literally make me sick to my stomach.

A candidate for Senate spouting bullshit theories about legitimate rape and pregnancy, then insisting he was just misunderstood. A teenager sexually assaulted then publicly blamed for ruining her attacker's life. Paul Ryan's very existence.

But it's not just the US---in the Dominican Republic, a sixteen year old girl discovered she had leukemia while she was nine weeks pregnant. The chemotherapy she needed would kill the fetus, however, violating the country's anti-abortion law---so she was denied treatment for 20 days before the courts made up their minds. And then she died.

What is WRONG with this world!?!?

I just I can't even start. The SEXISM. The VICTIM-BLAMING. THE STUPIDITY. I just try to form a good logical response and I can't...LOUD NOISES.

You're telling me my body is SO DAMN ADVANCED that I can physically SHOOT RAPIST SPERM away from my eggs? And if I get pregnant, that's MY OWN DAMN FAULT. I gotta birth that damn baby, oh and also, you probably won't have programs to help me raise it. OH, AND ALSO MY FAULT? Getting RAPED. 'Cause I was just drunk and slutty, and you know, FEMALE, and maybe I should keep my mouth shut so I don't make my poor attackers FACE ANY PUNISHMENT? 'Cause you know, boys will be boys and all. Not like they should be held ACCOUNTABLE OR ANYTHING. I SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING A VAGINA.

OH AND ALSO. MAYBE A FERTILIZED EGG IS LESS OF A PERSON THAN A FULLY FORMED TEENAGER? MAYBE?

I JUST CAN'T RESIST CAPS.

FLAMES. ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

I wouldn't say that I'm incredibly well educated when it comes to politics. Fiscal issues, debt ceiling, tax rates, blahdiddlyblah. The only issues I tend to debate and focus on are social ones. Gay marriage. Birth control. What the hell I'm allowed to do with my own vagina. Etc. You know, relevant stuff.

I'm going to make a pretty controversial statement here:

 At this point, I honestly do not understand a moral defense for voting Republican in the upcoming election. I cannot speak to every individual candidate or supporter, but the party as a whole has tied itself to so much sexism, racism, and general bigotry that I cannot comprehend a reason you would want them in power. Is your money really more important to you than the rights of your fellow citizens? And if you're voting with your hateful social and religious beliefs in mind, do you understand the concept of separation of church and state? Do you realize the general platform of oppression championed by your party is designed to drag me by my hair, kicking and screaming, back into the 1950s?

It makes me sad that elephants, my favorite animal, have been appropriated by this tragic, antiquated party.

Okay, deep breaths.

I think I'm done.

For now.

EDITED TO ADD:

Well, I just found this article, which basically is my point exactly, except WAY BETTER WRITTEN.

Thursday Thoughts

I often have what I believe to be brilliant insights into the human condition.

I usually forget them a few minutes later. I should really carry a notebook like some pretentious poet with a pencil permanently shoved up their---

Where was I?

Oh, yes, wisdom.

For instance, I have decided that leaving the freezer set to crushed ice is the equivalent to leaving the toilet seat up. If you're ridiculous enough to enjoy crushed ice, which is messy and sharp, then at least have the decency to return the setting to the standard, normal cubed ice. Harrumph.

Also, another thought, prompted by my OKCupid date last night with a British engineer with a beard. Dudes with sexy accents can get away with saying anything. Womenfolk (or gay fellows) are so distracted by the sexy cadence of a foreign man's voice that they aren't even totally listening. I only realized this morning certain things that my Brit date said that bugged me. I had to detox for 12 hours from the accent.

One more brilliant contribution to your day:

Oh, fuck. I forgot.

The Stealth Asshole

One of society’s most truly elusive creatures, the stealth asshole is just that —- sneaky, hidden, tricksy like a fox. They’re skilled at manipulation, gifted with the ability to maintain their sweetheart facade for weeks, months, even years. Oh, but when they finally reveal their true colors, when the effort to maintain that candy coating on their personality becomes too much…watch the fuck out.  

How is it that completely rational, intelligent people get taken in time and time again by these crafty charlatans? I suppose it’s human nature to trust the good in front of you, to believe with your whole heart that someone means the kind things the say. How can you look into a pair of pretty bright eyes, seemingly infused with sincerity and adoration, and see the darkness lurking behind? How can we learn to pick out of a crowd these men (or women, yes) who manage to hide their true selves just long enough to suck you in to their web, only to then smash your soul like a particularly fragile insect? 

I really have no idea. 

The good guys are becoming increasingly rare--either they inhabit far-off lands, or they've already been domesticated by some lucky bitch. Or, more often, the good guy turns out to be a stealth asshole in disguise.

If you encounter one of these stealth assholes, please, do the world a favor and tag them before they are released back into the wild. For all our sakes.