Things I Do That I Stole

I'm a kleptomaniac.

In my life, I've hung out with a lot of clever people. And these clever people do and say clever things. And somehow, over the course of our friendships or associations, I absorb these habits, and then I steal them. I could try to stop, but they honestly come out unconsciously, and...I don't want to.

But I figure if I confess them, it makes it less bad, right?

Right!

Things I Do That I Stole

1) My freshman college BFF (the one I am no longer friends with) used to say "a of all, blahblahblah, b of all, blahblahblah", and I totally adopted that as my own. I think it's hilarious.

2) My ex-boyfriend, the Ass, (he of the failed birthdays), used to use a certain hand signal to indicate "me too", and I have found myself doing this years after we broke up. Let me see if I can describe it accurately. If my mouth is full, or I need to be quiet for some reason, and I want to agree, I tap on my chest twice with a fist and flash two fingers like a peace sign. So gangsta, right? I kind of hate myself every time I do it, since it was his thing and it's dumb, but I do it before I even think about it.

3) A lot of my mannerisms come from my mother. My laugh, which often ends with a drawn out "aahhh". My tendency to dance. Facial expressions. It's cool, it's genetic.

4) Dress a little hippie-chic, stolen from my BFF. I crib her style, and she cribs mine. (SO GANGSTA.) I wore a shirt out a few weeks ago, and she bought it on her phone before we hit the bars. That's friendship.

5) Say "note to self: self, blahblahblah", "bitca", "troll logic" and any number of other things, all stolen from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Whedonslang is gold.

How To Be A Klepto

Saturday night before hitting the bars (and getting in a bitch fight), my Biff and I went to dinner at my friend's parents' house with her boyfriend and mommy and daddy to celebrate her birthday. We had a fabulous time chatting and drinking authentic Puerto Rican sangria made by the Puerto Rican boyfriend, and after a few glasses I of course had to use the restroom. There, Drunk Me discovered and coveted a pair of colorful retro aviators. I tried them on and admired myself.

When I emerged, I asked if they were my friend's younger brother's, who lives at the house with his parents. (A few years ago, he was my roommate in LA, but that's a story for another time.) He was lurking about, had eaten dinner with us but was mostly hiding in his room. The answer was yes, so next time I saw him I caught his attention.

"Hey. You know your sunglasses in the bathroom?"

"Yeah?"

"They look really good on me."

(pause for laughter)

(longer pause)

"You can have them if you want."

That was totally not the intent of my comment, but I guess my subconscious manipulations were effective.

Hey, free sunglasses!