The Mind

September Satya and Santosha

 Ah, a new month.

What is there to say?

Go back to my archives, the beginning of each and every new month for the last million and a half, and you know what I'm thinking. New. Shiny. Fresh. Starting over.

But I'm trying to curtail this train of thought. I am.

This is no rebirth. This is not a new journey, or even a restart. This isn't a chance to be perfect, alterna-Taylor. It's just me, living my life, trying to do the best that I can, where I am, every day.

There is no starting point to write down, something I'll look back on as my point of failure, where I had to retread the same old path. This is not about the number on the scale, there is not a goal, a plan, a strategy to tear pounds off my body bit by bit. There are just choices, and habits, and health, and wellness. Happiness.

When I wake up tomorrow morning, nothing inside will have changed, no switch will flip as I've been hoping and waiting for. I can't expect some magic to take over and make me suddenly a better person. There is no better. I am just fine the way I am. In all my struggles, in all my setbacks and stumbles, I still remain as whole and complete as ever. To use a quote from a book I'm reading called "Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic" by Darren Main, Paramahansa Yogananda said, "Is a diamond less valuable because it is covered with mud? God sees the changeless beauty of our souls; he knows we are not our mistakes." (God is the Spirit here, that's a deeper topic I can't even begin to cover. Y'all know I'm not gonna start preaching religion here.)

I am not my mistakes.

And I can move past them.

But, as always...how?

You know me. You know I like goals, and striving for things. Perfection. Achievements. It's a funny part of my nature that I can't seem to shake, considering I've never really achieved anything in my life. I always make these lists of goals, never reach them, beat myself up for failure. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I'm going to try to channel this particular energy of mine into my greater good, not the superficial good I've always strived for.

As I mentioned when I was studying for my yoga test, there are ten yamas and niyamas, or practices that can help you live a more peaceful, content and complete life. I figure with my focus on my yoga practice, why not focus my goal-drive on something like these principles, and see if I can't incorporate them into my existence, behaviors, and thoughts. If I do, I do. If I don't...okay? What's to measure? What's to say I didn't try? All I can do is be mindful, and conscious of two things about myself.

I can apply this mindful, conscious attitude to my food and yoga practice, too...but more on that later.

For September, I picked the yama of satya, or truthfulness, and the niyama of santosha, or contentment. Why? Well, yes, because they both start with S, but more than that, because they both really spoke to where I am right now.

I picked satya because something I've learned about myself as I've been more and more introspective lately in therapy and on my own is that I have a tendency to, well, lie. A little to a lot. Not big lies, not lies about things that truly matter, but little white ones that make things a little easier. For myself, yes, and also what I think will be easier for the other person. What I ate for dinner. If I already did something at work, when I'm just about to get to it. What I think someone wants to hear, even if I don't agree. A little story fudging to make myself sound better.

So, SATYA. Truthfulness. I must be mindful of these little white lies I tell.

The niyama I chose I think is going to give me peace when I feel stressed and anxious. Santosha is the idea of feeling content even when your surroundings aren't necessarily bringing you any sort of happiness or peace. From the same book, the quote that struck me was, "It is the very belief that contentment is the prize for winning the scavenger hunt of life that prevents us from being content." I have the hope that searching for some sort of inner...balance, or what have you, when I start to feel off center, will guide me towards a more contented life and thus better decisions for myself.

I mean, I can just imagine my inner Maria.

I got on a train yesterday morning just before 7 am, and I got off the plane this morning just before 7 am. In between, I took a number of naps, but haven't really gone to bed yet. I'm heading there soon, and when I wake up I'm not wishing for a full on recharge like usual. I don't have grand schemes and lists and plots.

But I will be mindful of being honest with others, and with myself. I will try find contentment in every decision and situation.

And I will be mindful.

And I'm going to yoga.

Cuddlecatasana

I passed.

My Kryptonite

Guys.

GUYS.

He sent me flowers. Thumper sent me flowers.

Sidenote: The only two guys who have ever sent me flowers are both named XXXX. What is up with that?

Back to my point: Flowers are my kryptonite. You send me flowers, you show that effort and thought and consideration, and I will fall in love with you just a little bit. Because I am easy like that. And also, a total cliche.

I had been panicking about my test via text to Thumper on Friday. He knew how stressed I was. So, I get out of part one of the exam yesterday (WHICH I ROCKED BY THE BY), and I have a voicemail from an unknown number. It's a flower company telling me that a delivery has been left at my door. I immediately call my mother, because my assumption is that my parents sent me something. Because that's my life.

But no.

I am like a curious kitty, and I had to know. See, I wasn't going home, we (being the yoga girls) were all going out for someone's birthday, and we brought all our stuff to get ready to the studio. I HAD TO KNOW.

So I call the flower company and make them read me the card.

He quoted Bob Marley and told me it was all going to be alright, and that I was going to do great.

And I melted.

HE SENT ME FLOWERS YOU GUYS.

Things I should probably mention:

*I took him to yoga with me on Monday.
*I met his work friends on Tuesday.
*HE JUST SENT ME FLOWERS.

Flowers.

Kryptonite.

*swoon*

My Crazy Limbs

I have another excuse as to why I haven't been posting.

If you're keeping track, we're now up to three.

1) I'm crazy in the brain.

2) I went and got a life.

3) My certification test for my yoga teacher training program is, oh, this weekend, and I've been studying and panicking and you know generally getting all worked up about it.

YUP LIKE I HAVE TO GO DO THE SEQUENCE TEST IN LIKE OH A COUPLE HOURS SAVE ME FROM MY STRESSES RIGHT NOWWWWW.

Deep breaths.

I got this.

I do, I really think I do. I went through it once today out loud and nailed it. Bentley was impressed. I've been reading my notes and cues. I taught a class to people from work on Wednesday, and felt surprisingly confident while doing so. I think....I've got this.

And I'm sure with a good chunk of cram time tomorrow morning, I'll be set for the written test. I'm okay. I know my eight limbs of yoga and my principles of CorePower and my chakras. Right?!

Meep.

You know what I have right now? Tapas. Self-discipline. It's one of the niyamas, or one of the ways in which a yogi should conduct and treat him/herself in order to work towards achieving peace and enlightenment. It also means heat, it's what we build throughout our practice. Tapas. Yes. I may not be done with my practice hours, I may need to commit myself more whole-heartedly during the extensions program to the physical part of my practice, but when it comes down to what I've learned, I'm confident I've showed tapas in my studying and commitment.

Svadhyaya is another one of the niyamas, and that's certainly one I've been focusing on throughout this process. Self-study. Do I do anything else? I sit in my own head all the time, contemplating my flaws, but maybe I need to start to dig deeper and think of all the ways I've been successful. I am not a failure. I've been doing what I can, with what I have, where I am, and I've done well. No need to be so fucking hard on myself.

I WILL PASS.

Pranayama. Breeeeeaathe. Inhale. Exhale.

Let me review my eight limbs. And shower. Then go kick this sequences's ass.

What's the use?

A thought for the day.

Centering My Chakras

Last week at teacher training we learned all about the chakras, and can I just say?

I'm so out of balance it's insane.

A brief overview for you: we each have seven chakras, or energy centers. They're located throughout the body, and each corresponds to an incredible variety of different emotions, physical ailments, spiritual strengths, etc. When a chakra is excessive, deficient, or just out of balance, you can experience problems in your life.

AND WE ALL KNOW I HAVE PROBLEMS.

I don't know if I fully believe in the chakras, and that they're the root of everything wrong with me, but hey, it's a good place to start, right? Maybe focusing on learning about them will begin to bring me some enlightenment.

The first chakra is the muladhara chakra, or the root chakra. It relates to survival, safety, security, and the "fight or flight" instinct. "I am" is the essence of the chakra. If you're excessive in this chakra, as I feel I am, you may be prone to over-eating, sluggishness, material fixation, excessive spending...yeah. I'm definitely unbalanced in this one lately. Someone who's balanced would feel grounded, secure...centered.

The second chakra is swadisthana, located at the sacrum. This chakra is the center of creativity, or creating in general, and specifically pro-creation. It relates to identity, sexuality, pleasure and contentment. I feel like I'm maybe slightly excessive in this chakra, over-emotional and over-indulgent, but perhaps slightly deficient, fearful of change. But in some ways, I'm balanced, I feel I embrace life's pleasures and I'm a passionate person. Of all the chakras, this is one of the ones I feel is the most in balance.

The third chakra, or the manipura chakra, is located at the solar plexus and deals with the sense of self: me, myself, and I. This chakra is fascinating to me because I am so deficient on the inside, but so balanced in how I present myself to the world. I'm insecure, have low self-esteem and self-confidence, blame myself for things, have poor self-discipline, so on and so forth...but I've been told, to everyone else, I appear cheerful, outgoing, relaxed, clear and confident. So I'm definitely interested to spend time focusing on this chakra.

The fourth chakra, the heart chakra, is my most open chakra. The anahata chakra is the heart chakra, and it holds our ability to love unconditionally. I really have no problem with that. I think I am mostly balanced, I hope I am caring and compassionate, and while I can sometimes be excessive (a pleaser, possessive) or deficient (anti-social, lonely), I think overall my heart is open.

The fifth chakra is the vishuddha chakra, or the throat chakra, which relates to speech and communication. I don't usually have a problem expressing myself, but I'm definitely excessive in this chakra because I talk too much, and too loudly, and I gossip. Whoops.

The sixth chakra is the ajna chakra, like my tattoo! Overall I am fairly balanced in this chakra, though I aim to be more in tune with it. I'm slightly excessive in that I allow myself to become obsessive, but overall I work to listen to my intuition and my heart, and be imaginative.

The seventh and final chakra is the crown chakra, or the sahasrara chakra. This chakra is the direct connection to the source of everything. If you're excessive, you're constantly living in your head, frustrated, over-intellectualizing things...mmhmm.

So yeah, basically, I'm alllll out of whack. Mediation is one of the best ways to balance out your chakras, so I am going to start trying to devote a little time each day to focusing on myself and my mind.

Starting.......now.

Festival of the Chariots

Today was an incredibly exciting day.

For the first time, I taught yoga to people.

It was the annual Festival of the Chariots at Venice Beach, an Indian culture festival celebrating Lord Jagannatha, the Lord of the Universe. There was a parade of floats down one of the main streets that ended at the boardwalk, where the festival was set up. There was free food, music, dance, and all day YOGA!

My fellow teacher trainees and I ran the booth all day and taught 15 minutes of class each, and yours truly taught the very first section of the very first class. Meep!

I actually wasn't supposed to, I was supposed to teach the second class, but someone had trouble finding parking and was late so I had to step in sooner than I was prepared to. I think I did pretty well, made a little mistake but nothing catastrophic. I felt pretty confident, actually. And comfortable. And happy to be up there, guiding people through a flow.

Our booth was set up right on the edge of the park, with a view of the beach and the water. So beautiful and inspiring. No complaints about today.

The festival itself was full of love and music and life. I got blessed by Lord Jagannatha, ate some nuts, and saw some dance, and watched some crazy stilts performers, and frolicked. And took yoga.

And had the best day.

Reasons I Did Not Post Yesterday

1) I barely touched my computer. Why?

2) I had a boy in my bed until noon. I woke up earlier and really wanted to make him leave, but thought that would be rude. So I just laid there.

3) Then I had to drive him home, and immediately get ready for yoga training.

4) Also, I had to fit in time for an emotional meltdown, because why not? I'm me, and there's always time for an emotional meltdown.

5) Then. Training. SO FUN. We did an exercise where we did our usual round robin style teaching (one person starts, then the instructor calls out someone else to take their place at random points), but with a twist. We all had to teach while taking on a character. Someone was Eeyore, someone was drunk, someone's dog had just died. We had a hilarious cowboy and a prostitute. I was a stoner. Yuuuup. It helped us see how your attitude as a teacher affects the whole room...plus it was just plain entertaining.

6) After training, a big group of us went to a bar down the street for one of the boys' birthdays, and then: we drank. We laughed. We talked about yoga. I ate healthy food. I drank some more. We had so. Much. Fun. One of the girls (I shall call her Stevie) had a guy she's dating come meet us (she found him on Tindr!). Then: I had a boy come meet us. A different boy than the one that was in my bed.

7) You know where this is going.

8) Bentley judged me.

9) So that is why I did not post yesterday.

10) And today, I'm doing something really cool. I'll tell you all about it later. But I won't be here. 

Assorted thoughts of the day.

• I forgot to put on deodorant this morning. Whoops.

• When I arrived at work yesterday, something was amiss. I felt off balance. It took me a few minutes to realize that all the trees across the street had been cut down, totally changing my view and the light coming in through the front door. THINGS FEEL SO VERY WEIRD.
• Hung out with MI last night, and he leaves in a week. I ain't sad about it. We've (or at least, I've) really enjoyed our time together and I'm totally digging my new casual dating attitude. It's so fucking FUN. 

• I had cake today.
• Amongst other things.
• I feel fat.

• I have plans tonight to hang out with one of the yoga girls and study. Yay for making new friends!
• In fact, I'm busy every night this week. Yay for having a life!
• I didn't go to yoga yesterday, but I went today, so that's 6 out of the last 7 days! GO ME!
• SO MANY !!!!

• And...no more thoughts.

Yoga Date

My previously mentioned work crush accompanied me to a yoga sculpt class this morning.

Hot. Sweaty. Muscles.

*swoon*

Of course, I didn't really think this plan through when I invited him to meet me there.

I'm so attractive.

Hot In The Valley

It was 100 degrees on my dashboard when I stopped for Chipotle today.

Pretend I didn't say that. I shouldn't have had Chipotle.

Anyway...

I'm camped out in the Valley for the weekend, housesitting for The Married Couple and babysitting Gracie and their new addition, the fabulous feline Bluebird with her gorgeous multicolored eyes!

Oh, and I'm taking care of the chickens too. Brown and Gray. Brown was being a bitch and wouldn't go in their house at bedtime. But I finally corralled her. 

It's a wonderfully convenient coincidence, because yoga training this weekend is at the Encino studio, so I'm in the area. We're gathered with the two trainings going on at other locations and focusing on anatomy this weekend. My brain is overloaded. I'm not so good with the science.

I'm tucked up on the couch, watching a DVD and prepping to study my sequence until bed once it's over. Four hours of lectures and demos. Muscles! Bones! Compression! Extension!

Bluebird joined me. Gracie's bored. She did get a walk though!

A perfectly lovely Saturday. 

But hot.

No like hot.

"What we give is what we get..."

Namaste Y'all

Just Breathe

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

That's all that's on repeat in my brain, all day, every day. As I do my best to memorize the yoga sequence of a level one class, as I try my hardest to remember the cues that guide every movement, I just think of breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

That's what will keep me steady, more than anything. In my practice, in my life. If I can just focus on my breath, the one constant I can control, I know everything would be easier. When I panic, when I worry. Just breathe.

But I get so distracted by the chatter. My mind won't shut up.

"Yogash chittah vritti nirodhah." Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind, but mine is always on overdrive, unless I just focus on the breath. But that's just harder for me than I care to admit.  It's hard for me to let go, to stop thinking of the past or the future, to just be in the moment and breathe. I'm always thinking of me, myself, I, what I'm afraid of or proud of or looking forward to or avoiding. I let the breath fall away and let the brain take over. My "chittah vritti", my monkey mind, it's in control.

This is my new focus. This is what will center me both in yoga and in life. Focusing on the breathing, taking in positivity, pushing out negativity. Breathing in the good, out with the bad. This will bring me  the kind of peace I seek.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Tonight

I have plans today y'all. Plans that guarantee me getting hot and sweaty!

I'm meeting one of the girls from TT for a class after work, then we're going to study a bit together and I'm going to see if I have the energy for a second class.

WOO.

Socialization + Yoga?

I might actually be holding on to last night's feeling...

Yogaful Weekend

I had the best weekend ever.

The best.

It was full of yoga and joy and new friends and fun, and I can't remember the last time I had a weekend that was so full of just...fun.

Yesterday I worked a morning cleaning shift at the studio, took a class (yay!), then had training, then went out for drinks and dinner with some of the girls from the program. I know, right? I was social. Everyone was so nice and hilarious and we all had a blast. I think...I might be making friends? I know, I know, let's not get too ahead of ourselves here, but they all live in the area, and we're bonding over our love of yoga. And margaritas. It was awesome.

Today was more training, which ended early because there was a yoga festival in Santa Monica that our instructor said we could attend if we so chose to. Called Wanderlust: Yoga In The City, it featured, well, yoga. On the pier, in the city.

And free snacks.

It was magical. Just being in a huge crowd of like-minded people, with the sun streaming down on us, the ocean breeze on our skin. Laughing. Bending.

Awesome.

Then after the yoga, MC Yogi put on a mini concert for us, and I danced my little ass off, and oh my god.

I'm just so happy.

Best day, best weekend.

Inward

Wanna see my peacock?

There are many things I could have done with my legal earnings from Monday. So many things.

But I bought yoga pants. Specifically, sweet, bitchin' peacock print yoga pants from Onzie.

LOOK HOW PRETTY.

Excuse me, I must go strut.