Tomorrow

There's a feeling I sometimes get when I'm alone, a rush of optimism or motivation that overtakes me, and I know I can do anything I fucking set my mind to. This feeling of power is intoxicating and exhilarating and all those things you want a good feeling to be. It's the promise of change. It's the idea of a new beginning. It's everything I've ever wanted.

It's hope.

It's usually found later in the evening, after a couple of hours of nothingness, time wasted, spent face to face with a screen. I get fed up with myself and my monotony, I get bored, and I'm struck with the desire to do more. Be more.

And I swear, tomorrow's the day. I get to planning. I make schedules and lists and I imagine all the ways it could be. Google calendar and I become great friends, my iPhone alarm clock is set just so. I plot.

If I could bottle that motivation, that feeling, I'd make a gazillion dollars. I'd never be lazy. I'd would never again disappoint myself.

Tomorrow's the day, I always say.

Let's see if it is.

Monday, July 1st

It's the 1st.

It's a Monday.

GOD, I LOVE NEW BEGINNINGS. Fresh starts. Brand, spankin' new months and weeks to do with what I will.

You know me. I'm a weirdo.

Anyway.

The curse of the daily weigher is that I was a pound lighter yesterday than I am today, but being that it's my check in day, I have to log the higher weight. Wah. But what can you do? Such is life. And this isn't a race. And I'm still moving in the right direction, I had a great week, and I'm ALMOST FUCKING DONE WITH MY WHOLE30.

WOO!

Weight: 142.6 (- 1.2)
Mood: Fanfuckingtastic! (If we're talking weight/food/health, not boys.) I saw the lowest weight I've seen since I was 18, I've been controlling my emotions and staying positive, and I just feel awesome about what I'm doing for myself.
Food: Great! Backed off on my juices and smoothies, didn't get takeout at all this week, ate lots of hard boiled eggs and ground turkey and sweet potatoes, and it felt awesome.
Movement: Did a little yoga. I'm trying, okay? That's all I can do.

This week, I wanted to...

...go to yoga five times, ha.

...keep my apartment in its current lovely clean state, and no.

...stay positive no matter what the scale says, and yes! Helps that the scale was kind.

This week, I would like to...

...keep my focus on yoga.

...limit my screen time.

...keep myself in check when I go off the Whole30 plan.

Tomorrow's Schedule

I need accountability, friends. Can you give it to me?

I need to do things tomorrow. I need to get my butt in gear. These first three days of my W30 have been great, but it's time to get serious. I want this experience to be transformative, and transformation is more than just what I'm eating. It's how I'm eating, and what I'm doing.

Can I count on you guys to check in on me tomorrow? Give me a little nudge? I'd SO appreciate it!

THE PLAN.

1) Go to yoga.
2) Make a recipe.

....

Yeah, that's it. I can do that, right?

The Whole Motivation

WW Recap 5/17-5/23: Floating Along

I tried until maybe Monday this week. Tuesday.

And then I stopped trying.

I floated.

I will try harder this week. I will. Because trying makes me feel good. 

Last week, I wanted to...

...have a great time in Santa Barbara with my Biff and my Buff and stay active, and I did that. 

...use yoga to comfort myself instead of food, and I did not really do that.

...track everything I eat, even if I go into the red, and I did that up until Tuesday, and then...not so much.

...write, which I did, but I did not post.

This week, I would like to...

...go to yoga more.

...track every single bite.

...post more.

...drink less Diet Coke. 

A New Day

I'm sorry for my lack of posting lately.

I don't know what it is. I'm fine, or you know, fine-ish. I know when I disappear it's usually 'cause I'm at rock bottom, but this time it's not rock bottom.

Maybe that's why it's harder.

Starting over from scratch has an inherent romanticism in it. A purity. There's something so lovely about beginning anew.

But I'm not beginning anew. I'm just...being. And that has just seemed a little bit frustrating. I'm not totally off the rails like I would have been in the past, but I'm not being my structured, healthy self. I'm definitely not doing well, but I'm not beating myself up every step of the way. So I don't have to make some dramatic shift in my personality or behaviors, I just have to...reset.

And hitting that button is not as easy this week as it's been in the past.

And so, I have been hiding. 

But you know what? 

Switch Flip

I am feeling so much better today.

I knew I would. I knew I just needed the fresh new week to hit and I'd get my mojo back, my juju, my strength and smile.

Bad Taylor is gone, Good Taylor is back. Funny how it's so simply felt.

I had a healthy breakfast, and leftover salad for lunch, and I'll hit yoga tonight during my cleaning shift, and all will be well! I feel positive and powerful and prepared to face the week. I'm filled with love for myself instead of hate, I'm sending that love out into the world, and I choose to be happy today.

Progress. It's all about progress.

Progress

Not perfection.

Daily Diet Solutions

Months and months and months ago, back pre-meltdown, The Beck Diet Solution was recommended to me as a great book and tool for weight loss. Subtitled "Learn To Think Like A Thin Person!", the books is bright pink, and begins with instructing you to make flashcards.

So of course I immediately put it back on the shelf.

Mama don't make no flashcards. Or do homework of any kind.

I lent it to the Buff (who is a dietitian by the way if I have not mentioned this), and she wasn't a huge fan of it.  She thought it was "bossy, shaming and made [her] want to stress eat", so definitely not great for everyone.

Anyway, I've taken a few peeks at the book, but it just isn't something I feel the need to read all the way through and devote my energies to. There are tons of exercises and workbook things to do, but I'm doing so well on my own and well...I just don't want to. It seems more for people who are short-term dieting, as opposed to people with real food issues, but that's just me.

However, somehow I did stumble across this link, which takes you to the book's website with their "Daily Diet Solutions". Some of them are incredibly bullshitty, like this one:

"Sabotaging Thought: It’s okay to give in and have this one cookie. 

Response: One cookie won’t satisfy me, and if I have it, the ONLY thing it will do is cause me to have an even stronger craving for a second cookie. If I have one, I’ll want two. If I have two, I’ll want three. Don’t get started!"

Here are a few of the good ones:

"You're entitled to make mistakes, but you're not entitled to use one mistake as an excuse to keep making more. No matter how many or how few mistakes you  make this week, what matters most is what you do right after. Learning how to recover IMMEDIATELY from mistakes is a skill that will help you lose weight and keep it off for good." 

"Once you have positive momentum built up, it becomes so much easier to keep doing what you're doing. You'll be less likely to give in to unplanned eating because you'll be able to say to yourself, "I'm doing so well, it's not worth knocking myself off track." 

"If you think, "This craving is so uncomfortable, I'm just going to give in so I don't feel it anymore," remind yourself that while overcoming a craving is uncomfortable in the moment, giving in is uncomfortable for SO MUCH LONGER when you feel badly and guilty about it long after."

Be Nice

Monday Morning Motivation

Trust Yourself

I've learned something very important recently

When I don't fight myself so goddamn hard every step of the way, life is a hell of a lot easier. Imagine that!

I first noticed this on the way to Vegas, when the Biff suggested we open up a bag of Doritos since our lunch stop was still an hour away. Instantly the voice in my head (let's call her Fat Pam) screamed, "NO NO NO YOU WILL GORGE YOURSELF ON CHIPS NO CHIPS NO NO NO NO NO!!!!" Even though I'm the one who bought the damn chips. And I said, "You shut up, Pam, I can have some chips. I can have all the chips I want. I'm not listening to you."

And I only ended up having maybe 3 or 4 before my craving was sated, and I was done.

Same thing when the Buff returned to the room with ice cream Saturday afternoon. Fat Pam instantly told me I didn't need ice cream, but I wanted a bite, god damn it, and guess what? After two, I was done. No more, that's all I needed.

It's happening with yoga, too. If I don't argue with myself all day about whether or not I'm going to class, if I let my body make my decisions and I go with what feels right, it's a lot less stressful, and I've been going really consistently. (This week exempted.)

I need to trust myself more, listen to myself more. I think there is a part of me that is growing stronger, a part that I can rely on to tell me what I need and what I don't, what is good for me and what is not. As long as I stay positive and present, and keep health in mind, I'll keep doing what's best for me.

Fit Not Skinny

It's time for a dose of honesty, gentle readers.

I have always, always wanted to be skinny.

I know, I knoooow, I'm supposed to say this is about my health, and happiness, and feeling comfortable in my own skin, and finding inner peace, and beating my disordered eating behaviors, and yes, it is about all those things. Truly it is, more so than anything else.

But it's also about my inner bespectacled tubby twelve year old self, who really really really wanted to be skinny and hot like all the chicks in my stack of Seventeen and TM magazines. I'm not going to lie to you about that cliche fact. I had my aspirations of Victoria Secret modeldom, I had my walls plastered with "thinspo", I had unhealthy ideas of what I could eventually look like, if only I tried hard enough, wished hard enough.

Oh yeah, I could
totally have an entirely
different body type!

Recently, though, I truly have started to want something different. Need something different, actually. Something more tangible, a little less superficial. Something I can hold onto, something with meaning. The newest cliche, taking over Pinterest motivation boards far and wide, fitspiration instead of thinspiration...I want to be fit, not skinny.

Skinny is surface, skinny is impermanent, skinny is something you're probably born with, or maybe not but it doesn't really sound healthy, does it? Skinny is weightless like a feather, a child's dream, something I shouldn't aspire to.

Fit is solid. Fit is a goal you can work towards always, not something to suffer for. Fit is healthy, fit is strength and speed and soul and success. Fit looks different on everyone, and fit is something you can hold on to.

It's so cool to me now that I'm back to going to yoga regularly and am able to see progress class to class, week to week. I'm getting better. I'm getting stronger. I can feel change, see change, and that's what I want to chase, this feeling inside of me instead of some ideal in the mirror. This feeling of fitness, of health and control and power and serenity, THIS is the goal. This is what twelve year old me really wanted when I stared at the pages of my magazine over a decade ago, when I saw glowing beaming smiling models who looked so secure in their own skin.

Fit is what I want. Fit is what I seek.

And sure, a hot, toned ass might come along with that.

But that's just a perk.

Badumdumchh.

Get it? PERKY?

And we're done.

How To Live Healthy

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA.

ME? Doing a tutorial on how to be healthy? THAT IS HILARIOUS. I know. But see, this tutorial is aspirational, inspirational, motivational. It's what I know I should do. What I'm trying to do. Not what I think I'm a master at. At which I think I'm a master? So don't laugh at me. Only I can laugh at me.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha.



How To Live Healthy

1) Develop a routine. I've read that it takes 21 days to make a habit, and habits are what I want. I want exercising and eating right to be my natural behaviors, my default. I want to wake up in the morning and know how my day is going to go: there will be work and exercise and reading and writing, time for myself and time for my friends and family, time for relaxing and time for productivity. I want to live a fulfilling life that makes me happy and whole. Yoga is starting to become a habit again, as are making healthy choices and having good options on hand at work and at home. Ultimately I think it would be so nice to wake up at the same time every morning and start off my day with a routine, a schedule, breakfast and a workout like that's just the way I live. That's what my mommy does.

Maybe not quite Bateman status.

2) Eat things that grow. Plants. Animals. Nuts. Etc. Limit things that have too many unprounouncable ingredients and come in plastic packaging. I need to stop it with the excessive Lean Cuisines and frozen Trader Joe's dinners. It's okay every once in awhile, but they should not be making up the bulk of my diet, and they do. I eat at least a couple LCs for lunch every week 'cause they're so marvelously cheap, and dinners are often out of the freezer too. But if I make recipes and freeze the servings, I can make my own frozen meals. IMAGINE THAT.

Nomnomnomplants.

3) Get moving and have fun. The first time I lost a significant amount of weight when I was eighteen, I didn't exercise at all, and never really felt any different. Again, imagine that. I'm loving yoga again, and I know there are other ways I can burn calories while still enjoying myself. I used to think exercise was punishment for being fat, but I now know this isn't true. It's important to get to the point where physical activity is a gift you give to your body, not something it must endure as punishment for eating. And that old cliche everyone spouts off is true---exercise truly is a guaranteed mood booster. As much as I hate to admit it, my mother is right: I always do feel better after a workout.

This is how I Zumba.

4) Don't be so hard on yourself. I know, I know, I'm not there yet, so this one is particularly hilarious for me to promote. But I do believe I'll never be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle permanently unless I get to the point where I allow myself the freedom to make mistakes and be flexible. If this is really a "lifestyle change" and not a diet, perfection is impossible and I have to learn to go with the flow and know that every choice I make and every action I take is inconsequential in the grand scheme of my life. I need to get over being so damn critical of everything I do and accept that I am human and in the course of my life I will often fuck up. The goal is to always move forward and treat myself with love and kindness.

If I don't love myself first, no one else will. 

5) Take it one day at a time. This is more of the same as above. I'm going to use that phrase "lifestyle change" again, as cliche as it may be, but it's so apt. This is not a race, there is no finish line. There is no need to pile on the pressure and try to make a dozen changes all at once. This is for life, and every day is another chance to get it right. A mistake doesn't ruin my day or my week, one bad meal isn't going to make me fat or ruin my good habits or progress. Each day is a new day to make healthy choices and keep on keeping on.

Swim on!

A little goal setting...for the future.

This weekend's hike, as I said, was strenuous. Tiring. Downright hard, if you will. But incredible.

And it gave me thoughts. It's awesome that I'm getting back into my yoga groove, and it's so good for my mental, physical, and spiritual health. It's something I imagine sticking with for the long haul. But yesterday made me realize that I definitely need to do other physical activities too. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone. There was a bit towards the end of the hike where I just got cranky, when I thought I was almost at the top and I wasn't and I wanted to be done and I wasn't and it was rough.

And, as everybody knows...

And when I got to the top, it was magic.

So,  I want to do more magical things.

I MADE A LIST. I fucking love lists.

In the next year, these are some goals. Goals to push me out of my comfort zone,  to test my limits, to show me I can do things I've never done before, to increase my fitness level, to maybe have a little fun?

1. Hike to the Hollywood sign again, on my own. While we were up there I said to The Married Lady I never felt the need to do it again, now that I'd done it once. But that's not actually true, mostly I was cranky. A of all, we didn't go around to the front, 'cause it had already taken us awhile and she had places to be and I'd driven up to the front before with my cousin so it wasn't necessary, and b of all, I think it would be a good experience to push my way to the top solo, and have to motivate myself. And I could make a playlist!
2. Complete Couch to 5k.
3. Run a 5k.
4. Maybe never run again then?
5. Go to yoga 10 days in a row.
6. Hike the Will Rogers Trail in the Santa Monica Mountains.
7. Hike in Malibu.
8. Do 30 Day Shred.
9. Do Ripped in 30.
10. Take a self defense class.

Monday Mind Over Matter

Transformation Tuesday

Love Your Body

Dangerous Curves Ahead

Perhaps this post may be a bit NSFW if your boss has a problem with hot bodies in bikinis.

If not, carry on.

Actually, wait, one more thing:

I don't subscribe to the idea of "thinspo" or "thinspiration". For years I'd try to motivate myself by making my computer wallpaper a collage of skinny little minnies, or taping pictures of Victoria's Secret models to my mirror. Even up through last year I'd still pin pictures of hot chicks with a thigh gap. But you know, all that worship of an ideal does is make you feel bad about yourself, because for most of us normal people, we're never going to have a six pack, biceps and an air-brushed ass.

I'm never going to look like this. But if I work hard, eat right, and embrace my natural curves, maybe one day I'll look like one of this gorgeous, healthy, bodacious babes.