Itty Bitty

This post is the complete opposite of this post. 

As I write, I am sitting on my bed, curled up in a ball with my knees tucked up against my chest. My arms are wrapped around my legs, hands on the keyboard, body scrunched in the littlest of ways. This is a completely unfamiliar, newly comfortable position.

It's been a long, long time since I've had the room for my legs here against my body, since my belly's has been small enough. Since my thighs have been able to rest this close together.

I feel almost...small.

I look down and I see the folds, the flab, the fat, sure. I know I still have a ways to go, my brain trips on the valleys and mountains.

But for once, I feel kind of itty bitty.

I may or may not feel beautiful.

NSVs of the Week

*Having (almost...) no trouble getting right back on track after my PMS diversions.
*Getting told I'm "looking trim" at the yoga studio from my fave teacher.
*Getting high fives when I followed up the compliment with sharing my weight loss story, 'cause I'm an attention whore.
*Realizing I'm going to have to buy another pair of jeans soon.
*Being complimented on my "beautiful smile" by the lunch delivery guy at work today.
*Doing a MOTHERFUCKING HEADSTAND at home. Yeah. With my legs straight and EVERYTHING. Goal, check!

Marilyn Monroe, 1953

Tasty Treats

Yesterday my coworker and I took a break from the office and went for frozen yogurt at The Bigg Chill.

We both got graham cracker crust fat-free yogurt with strawberries, and it was amazing.

I have no other point to this post. Just dessert porn, to make you jealous.

Oh, but it was a NSV, to be sure. When my coworker suggested it, my brain wanted to fight with itself immediately over whether I should, but I instantly shut that shit down. I wanted to indulge and that's all that matters.

Also, I didn't finish mine.

Wins all around.

The Cereal Experiment

The Biff and I had a convo last week about my trigger foods, and how I can't keep anything in my house that's snackable and non-portion controlled. Big bags of chips, ice cream, things like that.

But I've been doing a lot better lately, haven't I? Tackling my issues, suppressing my bingey tendencies. Eating reasonable portions. Last week, I went to bed with the remainder of a pint of sorbet, then ended up getting out of bed and putting it back without finishing it. That has never happened in the history of time. A non-scale victory for sure.

This week, I got to thinking a lot about cereal.

I love cereal. But when I buy it, I eat the whole. Damn. BOX. Maybe not in one day, but in two, definitely. Excessively large bowls, two bowls at a time, gorgegorgegorge until it's gone.

But cereal is so tasty! And such a nice light post-yoga meal. And so comforting.

And I want to experiment with having cereal in my house.

Let's see how this goes.

Next time, I'll get healthier stuff.

Compliment NSV of the Day

I looove compliments. Because I love attention. Because I am a whore.

Obviously.

A girl at work that I really like (who is one of the ones who asked me about yoga earlier this week) messaged me today and said that I look great, and she can really tell I've been working out.

And I was all...

She's tall and fit and beautiful, and very health conscious and whatnot, so it just made me feel extra good.

Yay meeeee.

The Cutoff, Pt. 2

You know your weight loss is showing again when you get three coworkers in two days asking you about your yoga routine, including one guy you don't remember ever talking about yoga with before.

Guess my downward dogs are showing?

Of course, maybe it's 'cause I actually wore cute outfits so far this week, which do seem to make me look skinnier.

Sneak Peek NSV

Shhh. Don't tell my therapist.

I peeked at the scale today.

And I'm back to where I was before I went to Vegas.

Ain't that grand?

This is a non scale victory even though it involves my scale because in the last five days or so I proved to myself I can get right back on track after falling off, and return to my good habits, while still indulging, without any sort of huge breakdown.

SUCCESS.

Five Vegas NSVs

I had a few moments when I was in Vegas that just made me feel awesome. I am back to getting validation and positive reinforcement from internal and external sources, independent of the number on the scale, which is so fantastic and makes me feel so good. Those are the things that will keep me constantly moving forward, and those are the things that I need to hold on to and remind myself of when shit gets hard. Regardless of the number going up or down or staying the same, what really matters is how I feel inside and what I see when I look at myself, body and soul.

So, non-scale victories! Let's discuss.

1) When I was in the shower Friday morning before the road trip, I was bent in half, shaving the backs of my thighs. Which I rarely do, 'cause who ever encounters the backs of my thighs? Exactly. So, I'm contorted awkwardly, face to flesh with a rarely-seen body part, and it looked...different. I narrowed my eyes. I cocked my head. Is that...what is that?

It took me a minute to figure it out.

It was a muscle. I HAVE FREAKING THIGH MUSCLE DEFINITION.

2) My eating in Vegas was definitely a NSV in and of itself, but there were certain moments I can point to where I'm like, LOOK AT ME GO! When we were on our drive, and we opened up a bag of Doritos and I just had a few to satisfy my craving, and stopped without any internal fighting. I was just done. When Buff brought frozen yogurt up to the room for me and the Biff, I had a few bites then decided I didn't need any more. Not because I'd had too much to eat already that day, or out of some silly self-denial---just 'cause I didn't want any more, so I stopped. I'm learning to listen to my body's cues, and that's amazing.

3) The first night we were there, just as we were getting ready to leave, I was staring at myself in the full length mirror in the bathroom and drunkenly announced, "I have never felt this skinny. I mean, I know I've weighed less, but I have never looked this damn good." I mean granted, I was wearing Spanx, but I'll take it.

4) I also drunkenly proclaimed my body "More like Kim Kardashian than Kate Moss and I AM OKAY WITH THAT! Even though I HATE KIM KARDASHIAN!" God, I was probably so obnoxious. Sorry, friends.

5) Quite honestly, I don't remember ever getting as much attention from dudes as I did this weekend. But more than that, I've never accepted attention the way I did this weekend. Usually my inner dialogue after a guy says something like, "Hey, you're going the wrong way beautiful!" when I walk past would be "Oh, he's making fun of you" but my brain didn't play those mean tricks on me this time. I took a compliment as truth and it made me glow. I accepted double takes and sideways glances as praise, not insults, and they gave me a little extra wiggle in my step. And it felt amazing.

Morning NSV

I hit the grocery store on the way to work today to a) stock the office kitchen and b) buy some healthy options for myself so I have no excuse for eating crap this week.

As I rounded the back corner of Ralph's, having just filled my cart with delicious Chobani yogurts and bananas, I was greeted with the worst possible display.

IT'S CADBURY CREME EGG SEASON.

I fucking love Cadbury Creme eggs. They are my crack. They are fake and processed and dyed and vaguely sperm-like in consistency and I don't care because they're fucking delicious. I vividly remember having one melt in the pocket of my sweatshirt when I was in middle school, and I was more upset about losing the egg than ruining the sweatshirt. 

Priorities.

One day, oh one day, I will make these and all will be right with the world and I will eat the whole pan and gain 17 pounds in one go and I will. Not. Care. 

BUT.

I DID NOT BUY ANY.

Even though they were buy one get one free.

And I love them. 

I stayed strong.

WIN. 

*Please to be to remember that NSV is non-scale-victory, yes? Yes.