I passed.

My Crazy Limbs

I have another excuse as to why I haven't been posting.

If you're keeping track, we're now up to three.

1) I'm crazy in the brain.

2) I went and got a life.

3) My certification test for my yoga teacher training program is, oh, this weekend, and I've been studying and panicking and you know generally getting all worked up about it.

YUP LIKE I HAVE TO GO DO THE SEQUENCE TEST IN LIKE OH A COUPLE HOURS SAVE ME FROM MY STRESSES RIGHT NOWWWWW.

Deep breaths.

I got this.

I do, I really think I do. I went through it once today out loud and nailed it. Bentley was impressed. I've been reading my notes and cues. I taught a class to people from work on Wednesday, and felt surprisingly confident while doing so. I think....I've got this.

And I'm sure with a good chunk of cram time tomorrow morning, I'll be set for the written test. I'm okay. I know my eight limbs of yoga and my principles of CorePower and my chakras. Right?!

Meep.

You know what I have right now? Tapas. Self-discipline. It's one of the niyamas, or one of the ways in which a yogi should conduct and treat him/herself in order to work towards achieving peace and enlightenment. It also means heat, it's what we build throughout our practice. Tapas. Yes. I may not be done with my practice hours, I may need to commit myself more whole-heartedly during the extensions program to the physical part of my practice, but when it comes down to what I've learned, I'm confident I've showed tapas in my studying and commitment.

Svadhyaya is another one of the niyamas, and that's certainly one I've been focusing on throughout this process. Self-study. Do I do anything else? I sit in my own head all the time, contemplating my flaws, but maybe I need to start to dig deeper and think of all the ways I've been successful. I am not a failure. I've been doing what I can, with what I have, where I am, and I've done well. No need to be so fucking hard on myself.

I WILL PASS.

Pranayama. Breeeeeaathe. Inhale. Exhale.

Let me review my eight limbs. And shower. Then go kick this sequences's ass.

Festival of the Chariots

Today was an incredibly exciting day.

For the first time, I taught yoga to people.

It was the annual Festival of the Chariots at Venice Beach, an Indian culture festival celebrating Lord Jagannatha, the Lord of the Universe. There was a parade of floats down one of the main streets that ended at the boardwalk, where the festival was set up. There was free food, music, dance, and all day YOGA!

My fellow teacher trainees and I ran the booth all day and taught 15 minutes of class each, and yours truly taught the very first section of the very first class. Meep!

I actually wasn't supposed to, I was supposed to teach the second class, but someone had trouble finding parking and was late so I had to step in sooner than I was prepared to. I think I did pretty well, made a little mistake but nothing catastrophic. I felt pretty confident, actually. And comfortable. And happy to be up there, guiding people through a flow.

Our booth was set up right on the edge of the park, with a view of the beach and the water. So beautiful and inspiring. No complaints about today.

The festival itself was full of love and music and life. I got blessed by Lord Jagannatha, ate some nuts, and saw some dance, and watched some crazy stilts performers, and frolicked. And took yoga.

And had the best day.

Tonight

I have plans today y'all. Plans that guarantee me getting hot and sweaty!

I'm meeting one of the girls from TT for a class after work, then we're going to study a bit together and I'm going to see if I have the energy for a second class.

WOO.

Socialization + Yoga?

I might actually be holding on to last night's feeling...

Yogaful Weekend

I had the best weekend ever.

The best.

It was full of yoga and joy and new friends and fun, and I can't remember the last time I had a weekend that was so full of just...fun.

Yesterday I worked a morning cleaning shift at the studio, took a class (yay!), then had training, then went out for drinks and dinner with some of the girls from the program. I know, right? I was social. Everyone was so nice and hilarious and we all had a blast. I think...I might be making friends? I know, I know, let's not get too ahead of ourselves here, but they all live in the area, and we're bonding over our love of yoga. And margaritas. It was awesome.

Today was more training, which ended early because there was a yoga festival in Santa Monica that our instructor said we could attend if we so chose to. Called Wanderlust: Yoga In The City, it featured, well, yoga. On the pier, in the city.

And free snacks.

It was magical. Just being in a huge crowd of like-minded people, with the sun streaming down on us, the ocean breeze on our skin. Laughing. Bending.

Awesome.

Then after the yoga, MC Yogi put on a mini concert for us, and I danced my little ass off, and oh my god.

I'm just so happy.

Best day, best weekend.

May all beings everywhere be happy and free...

I confess, I've never really gotten too into the chanting part of the practice of yoga. You know, when you all sing out "ommmmm", and connect your energy, and offer it up to the heavens...or something.

It's never really done much for me.

But through the process of my teacher training, as I learn more about the history of yoga and the spirituality of the practice, I see myself becoming more connected to these aspects. The oms are taking on more meaning. The chanting doesn't seem so, well, silly.

This week we've learned a new chant, beyond the basic om. And I'm kind of in love with it.

May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.

I just love this. I love the meaning, I love the flow of the chant, and I love the way I feel when my class is singing it together.

New tattoo inspiration, perhaps...?

What Is Yoga?

Our first assignment for teacher training (or TT as I will inevitably start calling it) was to write a little essay with the prompt: what is yoga and why do you practice yoga?

This is what I turned in.

What Is Yoga?

Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self. 

-The Bhagavad Gita

Yoga is so many things. In its simplest form, yoga is a physical way to express love. Love for oneself, one's fellow human beings and for the world outside one's own experience. Too, yoga is playfulness and passion and peace, it's a practice of patience and positivity. But to me, above all else, yoga is about exploration---exploration of yourself and exploration of your universe. Throughout the time I've spent practicing yoga, I've found out more about who I am than I've learned in the rest of my years on this earth combined, and I know through continued exploration I will come to learn far more about my authentic self than I ever thought possible. That's what yoga offers---the chance to be open to what's around us and inside us, and open to change. 

I spent my childhood and the beginning years of my adult life hating exercise and hating my body. Anything physical was stressful for me, a catalyst for negative thoughts like “why am I not good enough, fast enough, strong enough?” I never found any athletic activity that spoke to me, that gave me any peace or joy or made me feel truly connected with my body, and as a result I was a very unhealthy and unhappy person. When I first truly discovered yoga at age twenty one (though I had experimented with it prior to then), I finally realized there was a way to use my body that didn't involve pushing it, or pulling it, or forcing it to do something it didn't want to do. 

Once I found yoga, it opened up an entire new world to me---the world of my own body and mind. Through yoga, I can explore my fears and hesitations, confront my own ego, and find answers. 

Something clicked for me when I tried my first CorePower class in January 2012, and since then yoga has become like a kind of therapy to me. Yoga is the tool I use to live my life as authentically, healthfully and happily as I can. Through my sun salutations I explore who I am and what my body and brain need---peace, openness, and gentleness. Yoga is the journey I am on to find myself.

Training Day

I'm up early, buzzing with excitement.

The day has finally come.

IT'S TRAINING DAY!

I've just been waiting for today. Anxious. Unsettled. You all know me and know my crazy by now, when there's something looming in the distance I have trouble processing the time up until that moment hits. I've been on hold, in limbo, the waiting room of life.

And today, I step through the door into a whole new chapter. Room.

Okay, it's not a perfect metaphor.

From here on out for the next eight weeks, yoga will become my life, and I cannot wait. Wednesdays I'll have training from 8-11 PM, and Saturdays and Sundays from 2-5. On top of that I need to practice at least five hours a week, but I'm going to aim for six. I can get doubles in there, restorative, morning classes.

It's not like I have other commitments.

I want to immerse myself in this program and get every drop of benefit out of it that I can. I want it to be as transformative as I know it can be.

I cannot wait.

Let's do this.

The Why of Teacher Training

In order to apply for the teacher training program at my studio, I filled out a survey on the website, full of the usual questions about why you want to join.

Honestly, I'm guessing if you're willing to pay them your money, and you understand the basic ideas of yoga and you're not a complete asshole, you're in. But I was still nervous, and I spent a lot of time on the questions, thinking over my answers and trying to be as truthful as possible.

I really, really wanted to do it.

For your amusement, here's a few of the answers I gave to the questionnaire. I'm not sure if any of it really mattered, but it matters to me, and this is the motivation behind my push towards deepening my practice and maybe one day becoming a teacher.

What are your specific goals for this program:

In my wildest dreams, I think I would love to be a yoga teacher. Every time I come to class, I fall in love  with yoga more and more, and I think one day it would be amazing to inspire others to love it too. But that's in the future. Right now I see this program as being another step in developing my passion for my practice, learning more, challenging myself and experiencing poses in a way I never have before. I think through the program I really could improve and deepen my practice in a significant and profound way, and I hope to do that with CorePower.

What is your main influence to train:

I train to seek inner balance and feel calmer and happier on a daily basis, as well as to feel fit, healthy and strong. I am always amazed when I come to class regularly and do the same poses day after day, and they always feel different, better or worse, then suddenly stronger one day. I love the challenge, and it makes me happy to finish a class and know that I've done something so loving and good for myself.

Please provide us with your health and fitness background as it pertains to the training:

For most of my life, I have been a very unhealthy and unhappy person. Unfortunately I had bad experiences with exercise at a young age and I always thought physical activity was punishment for being fat. Yoga was the first thing I found that I really enjoyed, and CorePower specifically was the first place I really enjoyed sweating and struggling to becoming stronger. During my time at CorePower I have lost 50 pounds and I am in the best shape of my life, and have transformed my insides and outsides. 

YTT

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT YOGA TEACHER TRAINING I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MYSELF.

I mean, you've probably guessed that, right? Have you guessed that? You probably have. I've tried to restrain myself from mentioning it too much yet, because let's just face it, it's going to go into overdrive soon enough. All yoga, all the time. Nothing but. If you don't like yoga, well, too darn bad for you.

Yoga Teacher Training. YTT. Just so you know.

Things I've been doing lately:

*Reading the yoga teacher training tag on MindBodyGreen.

*Ordering "Journey Into Power : How to Sculpt Your Ideal Body, Free Your True Self, and Transform Your Life With Yoga" on Amazon, as recommended by my future instructor.

*Scheduling every class I want to take from here to infinity.

*Making mixes for yoga classes I don't teach.

"Get Free"

My Confession, Part Two: And A Challenge

I have yet to go to yoga again this week. This is my confession.

I have excuses, but that's all they are. Excuses. Not real reasons.

I said Sunday that I thought I knew why I'd slacked off on going, and I definitely think I was right. I am psyching myself out.

Originally, I planned to wait on signing up for the teacher training program for a month or so, and I wanted to challenge myself to practice five times a week until then, which is the requirement for the program. This, of course, made my brain seize up and spaz out. Even after I had decided to sign up yesterday, I've still be feeling panic at the idea of practicing, which is just silly. It's like now that I've taken this next step, I've placed all this pressure on myself to be better or more impressive than I am, which is just...silly.

So how am I combating this?

With a 10 Day Yoga Challenge, of course!

Which absolutely seems counterproductive, I realize this. "Oh, I'm feeling pressure so let's put MORE PRESSURE ON MYSELF!" I'm a genius.

But what have I been saying about momentum and inertia? When I don't go, that allows a sliver of doubt to creep into my soul, and it's harder to get me back to the studio.

So why don't I just...not not go for 10 days? Or at least try?

That's the idea.

I can do any class I want. Restorative, non-heated, whatever. It just has to be 10 days.

Aaaaand....go.

The Secret Revealed

It is time to reveal The Secret.

I wanted to wait until it was official. Because until it was official, I kept worrying that it wouldn't happen, I'd be denied, things would fall apart. I wanted to wait. Till things were signed, money had exchanged hands. 

No, I'm not hiring a boyfriend. Shush up, jerks.

On June 19th, I will be starting yoga teacher training at my studio. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's something I've wanted to do for so long, even back when I first started practicing yoga, but I always though it would be way in the future, A decade, maybe. I thought you had to be way more advanced to do it, I thought it was too expensive, I thought it would always interfere with my oh so very busy schedule, I thought I would be too hard for me.

None of those things are true.

I can do it. I can make this work. I am making this work, because this is me achieving a dream, something I don't think I've ever done before. Not really. I set a goal, and I'm making it happen. I'm doing something for me, something wonderful and transformative and real. 

This is my secret.

And now you know.

Don't worry, we'll be talking about this so. Fucking. MUCH. You'll be sick of the topic before I even start the program. But for now, you just get to know the secret, and that is enough.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Tina and Amy are proud of me.