"You better work bitch..."

TWO SLEEPS TILL VEGAS.

And new Brit Brit.

STK Style and Dating Dithering

I HAD A REASON TO GET PRETTY LAST NIGHT.

I do believe I may have mentioned that back after our first or second date, Thumper texted me and asked me for my email address. I pretty much assumed he just wanted to stalk me for my last name, but I provided it, and he forwarded me a GroupOn type deal for a fancy schmancy LA steak house for drinks and appetizers in their bar.

"Do you want me to buy this for us?" he asked.

Uh, yes.

Then we didn't end up using it for two months.

Boy was thinking ahead, is what I'm saying.

So anyway, last night was our big fancy date night, which was a long time coming. See, one thing about me and Thumps is that we are very similar. Which can be good, or can be bad. We both love staying in, and cuddling on the couch, and being lazy, and watching TV. Our dating habits very quickly shifted into that being the norm. And I don't really want that to be the norm. I want to be in a relationship that challenges me, and I want to date someone who takes me out and explores the city with me and doesn't let me languish in my comfort zone.

Though, granted, it isn't totally fair to put that responsibility on someone I'm dating and not on myself, but that's another post.

I digress.

I GOT PRETTY.

The date itself was lovely. Cocktails, appetizers, conversation.

And compliments.

:)

Plus: a dirty martini with bleu cheese stuffed olives.

ORGASMIC.

Overall, it was a loverly date...which ended with us on the couch, cuddling, and watching TV. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, to be precise.

Perfection.

GirlTalk Texts: Via Mouth Texts

Me: A College Makeout found me on OkCupid...

Biff: Uh oh. Years in the making!

Me: He's like, "I believe we know each other through Your Biff." I'm like, "I believe we know each other through my mouth."

Biff: Hahaha did you say that? Please say you did!

Me: No. But I should.

Satya Sins

So my experiment with satya has been illuminating.

If nothing else, it's made me aware of the fact that boy do I lie a lot.

Lies slip out of my mouth so easily I barely have time to register them before they're gone. Maybe not lies. Half-truths. Twisted honesty. Slight deceptions. Retelling facts.

Lies.

I don't understand it. Why? When did it start? It makes me feel like a terrible person.

Maybe I am.

I really don't lie about anything substantial, truly. Nothing that changes the fundamental truth of my life, or anyone else's. My lies are surface and sustainable and never caught because they don't fucking matter. So why do I do it? Is it seriously compulsive?

On this blog, too. I have a disclaimer that allows for fudging of facts, there under about me, which is partially because I don't want this blog to incriminate anyone besides myself, and also for creativity's sake, plus, I want it anonymous-ish and untraceable-esque. I need to be able to mess with the facts. Plenty of people I know have the link, but if it's found I want to be able to distance myself from it with a disclaimer. But as far as I'm concerned my truth does come out as much as possible on these screens, from my perspective. That disclaimer really does only sit there so if someone like a guy were to find my blog and contest his portrayal, or my commentary, I could fight it, because...I do lie...

I'm truly am sometimes a shitty person.

But...sometimes a lie is okay, right?

Sometimes it's just so much easier to lie than to tell the truth because the truth is too embarrassing, or too revealing, or painful, or honest. Sometimes people don't want to hear it, or they really do deserve the lie.

Sometimes I'm lying to "how are you".

Sometimes it's just a lie about nothing. 

Sometimes I don't even know it's a lie when I say it.

I don't know how to learn to speak my truth when I don't know what my truth is.

Satya is hard.

And I'm a fucking liar.

That's all. 

A Monday List (And a gif party!)

So, I might be back.

Not making any promises, though.

I was told I was missed. Have I been?! I MISSED YOU.

It's hard to post when I'm feeling bad. And I've been feeling bad guys. SO BAD. Just about life. You read. You know.

But I might be feeling better?

I had a great weekend. Great. I had a lovely day yesterday. I had a nice night last night full of writing. And this morning...well, I don't feel perfect. But I feel like I could be doing a little better.

And besides, life is pretty good right now. Just, on its own merits. I should be counting my blessings.

A list you say, for old time's sake?

Reasons I Should Be Feeling Awesome Right Now

• I'm dating a sweetheart of a boy who's taking me here tonight. Isn't it PRETTY? I'm going to get so pretty to match. 

• I am making friends through yoga, people like me and I've had many fun nights out in the past few months. I'm not totally a weird antisocial loner like I fear I am.

• I have an interview this week and even if I don't get the job, they clearly recognized potential in me from my resume and initial phone interview. That's a win. 

• I have a supportive and awesome family who I went on an incredible, memorable vacation with, and not everyone gets to have that. Some people...well.

• I get to see my Biff tomorrow! Since she didn't make it to the Valley this weekend to hang out, we're meeting for dinner. IT'S BEEN SO LONG I WANT TO GRAB HER AND NEVER LET HER GO.

• I'm going to VEGAS THIS WEEKEND! THREE MORE SLEEPS!

Spooning BoyTalk Texts

Him: Btw I just realized, Friday I think I was the small spoon to Bentley's big spoon.

Me: Omg you totally were. Well we know who alpha is in that relationship.

Him: Seriously. Damn.

When you're a total cliche.

So I read this today.

It's kind of a smack-in-the-face moment when you realize you're enough of a cliche that the vast majority of items on a generically directed emo blog post written for the masses apply to sad, lonely little you.

Number 1. Duh.

"7. You are constantly doing the things that make you feel like shit and going into a shame spiral about it. There’s no learning curve… yet."

Well then.

When's it time for the learning curve?

"12. You find yourself complaining about the same things you were a year ago."

God, I don't even want to look back at this time last year in my blog.

But let's do it, shall we? It'll be fun.

Sound familiar? And this?

Oh hi, this.

Everything has been stagnant for so long. I feel like so much about me has changed but at the same time I feel like I'm the same as I was at 22 when I moved to LA. I need change. I need something. A new job, a new city, a new perspective, a new brain. Something has to change. I can't keep cycling like this, spiraling, year after year. It doesn't make me happy. And if I'm not happy, why keep living like this? Simple, right? It should be so simple.

I've managed to convince myself I've had periods of health, that I've been getting better, but it's not true. I've been two steps forward, two back. I've been suppressing these bad periods, and they just continually resurface. This is not healthy, it's not the way I want to be. I haven't moved forward at all.

I don't want to just exist, unfulfilled. I want to do more than that, I don't want to just be. I want to be more. Be a better person friend, daughter, employee, maybe girlfriend. Be a better friend to myself.  I don't want to constantly beat myself up and tear myself down and shred my mind and insides up. I don't want to live the way I've been living. I just want peace.

This all sounds like everything I've ever said before. I know this. Believe me, I know this.

I don't know what I'm getting at.

Except that maybe, just maybe, I'm finally hitting fucking bottom. Isn't that what I need? Isn't that what they always say? You can't make changes, true changes, until you really hit bottom. Until you have nothing left.

Maybe I'm there.

Because I'm fucking sick of this. Feeling lost. Feeling helpless. Finding the day to day a constant battle. Struggling against a torrent of loathing directed at moments of total normalcy, because that normalcy isn't what I want. Seeing seconds of happiness as precious and translucent because behind them is a dark emptiness that threatens to swallow them up if I blink too long. Sitting still for hours, paralyzed by complete failure to understand what it is I really want out of myself and my life.

My mind works in strange ways. My thinking goes dark at the oddest of times. I can't stop myself from criticizing my way into corners, worrying my way behind walls. And I just can't figure out how to stop myself from repeating these same patterns. Clearly, I can't solve my own problems while still wandering the same mazes.

A brilliant man, that Einstein. Did you know we share a birthday? Well, we do. So maybe, just maybe, if there's any sort of spiritual magic in this world, I absorbed some of his wisdom through our shared anniversary.

Now: how to change my level of thinking?

Suggestions?

Link List of the Ages

I have been collecting these links for like, two weeks.

So some of them are old.

But you know...It's a post. So quit yer whingin'.

LINKS.

First up, via Lainey I bring you...CINDERONCE.

Watch. So fucking amazing.

18 Photos Of Victorians Smiling

This is just neat.

“Something Terrible Has Happened Here”: The Crazy Story Of How “Clue” Went From Forgotten Flop To Cult Triumph

This is so worth a read if you're a "Clue" fan like me.

Watch This Insane Animated GIF Of A Woman Losing 88 Pounds Over The Course Of A Year

Since this is supposed to be a freaking healthy livin' blog and all.

Dog rides city buses solo, stops at shops for ham, biscuits

I mean, do you need anything beyond that headline? HE RIDES THE BUS AND STOPS FOR FOOD.

10 Incredibly Beautiful High Schools That Put Yours to Shame

I went to number four, biiiitches. Funny how they only show the one building, and not all the SUPES UGLY ONES.

Unbelievable Skeletons Unearthed From The Catacombs Of Rome

Would wear all of this. Regardless of its origins.

If Cher From "Clueless" Had Instagram

THIS IS THE BEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE TODAY  MAYBE ALSO YESTERDAY YES YES YES.

ALSO KITTY FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS.

And finally, if you have managed not to see this, you're welcome. YOU ARE WELCOME. Because this makes me believe in love. I really hope it's not face, there's speculation that it is, BUT I DON'T CARE. It's so beautiful.

Developments of the Weekend

1) Thumper pampered me on Friday night as an apology for getting me sick. I got to pick the movies, I got a massage...oh, and he showed up with gifts. Cough drops and flowers. Whipped the latter out from behind his back when I opened the door, an adorably proud smile on his face.

If you're keeping score, that makes TWO floral donations to my cause.

That boy is totes putting in the effort.

2) He did good with my friends last night, too. The Biff couldn't make it, being all scholarly in grad school, but the rest of the group had a raucous good time playing Cards Against Humanity, and Thumper held his own. They seemed to approve. I dunno guys, I really do quite enjoy him. It's not like, he's my boyfriend or anything (...yet?), but he seems to enjoy me too, and we're going out again tomorrow on our fancy date that he bought the deal for way back when we first started dating...gosh I guess two months ago? And did I mention he's going to be in Vegas at the same time as me? Yeah, that's happening. We'll only see each other briefly, since it's a girls' trip, but he'll get to meet my other lady friends too and they'll all have their judgy pants on.

3) Update on the other man in my life, my admirer from Montana. He's still admiring. I was really overwhelmed at first, 'cause a of all, I have never had anyone come on as strong as he was coming, and b of all, he was coming on in a way I didn't really know how to process. It was just like...vomiting compliments all over me, to be grotesquely descriptive.

So first I asked him to back off, which he did, and once he did I was more receptive and inclined to get to know him a bit. Then I felt comfortable instigating a dialogue wherein I basically said hey, this attention is super nice and all but I really feel like you don't know me that well and I'm leading you on when I'm not sure this is ever going to go where you seem to want it to go for reasons a, b, and c, and he said look, I don't have you on a pedestal and I enjoy having my little crush on you so as long as I'm not making you uncomfortable, I would like to continue getting to know you. So, that's that.

He has only given me ONE floral donation, for the record.

4) Job interview? Went well, I thought, I was confident getting off the phone. The interviewer said that I'd hear within two weeks whether or not I was moving forward in the process. Imagine my surprise when I heard within two HOURS that they wanted me for an in-person interview.

Well then.

It's on Wednesday morning.

MEEP!

"All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost..."