High Low

It's barely noon, but I've already reached my highest high and lowest low of the day. So of course, I'm going to share.

High:

I bought a crock pot! I am irrationally excited about this. I have been slacking majorly on cooking lately, and when I don't have enough easy options at home it's very tempting to binge. With my handy dandy new crock pot (as yet to be named), hopefully I will make way more deliciousness and eat less crap. It will be here on Friday and I will make sweet sweet love to it.

Low:

My coworkers went to Starbucks this morning, and I declined the invitation. I didn't need no stinkin' Starbucks. When they return, I am informed that the ever so delicious Zachary Morris from Saved by the Bell was there...aka,Mark-Paul Gosselaar. ELEVEN YEAR OLD ME IS REALLY UPSET RIGHT NOW.

That's really all I have to say.

I know, I know. You're fascinated by my life.

Waking Up In Vegas

Katy Perry makes it sound soooo glamorous. Glitter and wedding rings and shit.

You know what you actually get for waking up in Vegas?

You get aching feet from too high heels, you get a sore back from dancing like a drunk stripper, and you end up missing skin on your boobs from taping them together for maximum cleavage.

Ow.

Still, broken down body aside, I had an absolutely splendid weekend. All the girls were absolutely delightful, and just as insane as I am which made the weekend thoroughly entertaining. New BFFs 4 LYFE.

Plus, I made out with a Canadian. And a college senior. And a girl.

So I say, successful trip all around.

Vegas Views

The view from my kitchen.

No editing. Just awesomeness.

The Time I Met An Armadillo

I moved around a lot as a kid. Actually, I've never lived in one place longer than five years...at least not continuously. Mostly California, but I lived in Houston for a year and a half, back when I still wore glasses and preferred the Spice Girls to pretty much anything else. And I still rode a bike back then. (It has been a long time since I rode a bike. But that's neither here nor there.)

So, I'm riding my bike to school one day when we'd only been in Texas a few months. Strapped on my back is maybe ten pounds of books, five of which probably weren't even school related. I must have been distracted by something shiny, because all of a sudden an armadillo appears right on the sidewalk in front of me.

A fucking armadillo.

I swerve, and the weight of the nerd on my back throws me off balance, and I fall face to face with this disturbing looking creature. He stared at me with his twisted little eyes, and I swear he smirked at me before he scurried past and left me struggling to drag myself, my bike, and my backpack off the concrete.

Moral of the story:

Armadillos are assholes.

"Some of us are wild ones..."

Metric

A $5 donation to feed the homeless earns you a hippie bracelet.
WONDER TWINS ACTIVATE.

Note to Self

Self:

A single breakfast sandwich will not determine whether or not the tight new dress you bought for Vegas makes you look like a pregnant woman.

So stop fucking crying about it. It's eaten, it's done.

You whiny little baby.

Love,
Self

P.S. You're really hot. Don't forget that.

Chew Dream Repeat

I have one reoccuring dream. Just one.

Is it sexy in nature? No. Does it feature anyone in my life or past? Nope. Is it a pleasant dream? Nah, of course not. That would be silly. Why would my psyche care to repeat something wonderful over and over again? Simply lunacy.

In this dream, I'm chewing gum. I decide to remove said gum And I cannot. I put my fingers in my mouth and pull and pull, it sticks to my teeth and my tongue and I can't get it out, I end up with handfuls of sticky stringy gum in my hands and still have a mouthful, I did in the cracks of my teeth and the back of my throat and I can't get it all out.

It's very unpleasant.

This is why I rarely chew gum now.

I've had this dream a few times in the past month. I have it so often that I have trouble remembering every time. But I've definitely endured it at least once this week. I finally thought to Google this dream the other day, after enduring it for probably over a decade.

Apparently, it's not uncommon.

To dream of gum means that "you are unable to express yourself effectively. You may feel vulnerable. To dream that you are unable to get rid of your gum, suggests that you are experiencing some indecision, powerlessness or frustration. You may lack understanding in a situation or find that a current problem is overwhelming."

I could buy that. Vulnerable? Powerless? Overwhelmed? 

Or, apparently, this dream can indicate sleep apnea.

Huh.

Things That Are AWESOME

One of my very favorite movies of all time is "Say Anything".

Not by coincidence, one of my very favorite songs is "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

So it should come as no surprise to you that this article fills me with joy.



I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen...

Law of Averages

There's a guy on OKCupid who is actually decently cute. I know right? What are the odds? But this guy seems dumb. And boring. And persistent. Okay, maybe persistent isn't the right word....

Let me share.

So, I remember receiving messages from this guy when I set my profile up back in April or May. More than one. I never replied, because...well, I wasn't interested. And if I'm not, I don't. I reactivated my profile maybe a week ago, and he has messaged me four times since then.

Gems like:

"do you know howw much a polar bear weighs?"

or

"i have a kindergarten crush on you"

Well crafted, right? Sure to get a reply and access to what's in my pants.

I don't think this dude has any idea he's emailed me before. I think he just sits on the site all damn day, messages one liners to every single girl who tickles his...fancy. And hopes that the law of averages is on his side.

It's like the guy in the bar who uses crude pickup lines on everything in a skirt. He might get 99 slaps, but he just needs that lone girl to be like, "Yes. I will take that offer." Or it's "How I Met Your Mother", and the Naked Man. If you try and try and try, soon you'll find victory.

I will never reply, but I'm sure some day this poor fellow will get the answer he's been waiting for:

"I dunno, how much DOES a polar bear weigh?"