Why I Want To Lose Weight

Sometimes, you just need to remind yourself.

I want to lose weight...

• To be healthier.
• To be saner.
• To live longer. 
• To live well.
• To feel centered. 
• To feel in control.
• To feel different.
• To feel better.
• To be stronger. 
• To be happier.
• To be in better shape. 
• To be more comfortable in my skin.
• So I can wear whatever I want.
• So I can do whatever I want.
• So my body never restricts me.
• So my body can take on any challenge. 
• So I can run from zombies.
• So I can run from bears.
• So I can catch sight of my reflection for a brief second and think, "Daaaamn."
• So I can stop feeling disappointed in myself.
• Because I want to prove to myself I can
• Because I want to prove to the world I can.
• Because I want to feel at peace.
• Because I need to feel at peace.
• Because I want to. 

APC: Day #30

.card.

APC: Day #29 (Belated)

.the last thing you bought.

Really Wanna, Wanna Zig-A-Zig-AH!

Things are still hard.

And I just had a thought.

In this crazy world, there are some people who just get everything they want. They have some sort of magical magnetism, a quality, a vial of luck mojo that they sprinkle over life and they just always get the best of everything. Or, if not the best, the best for them.

I have friends like this, good people, people I like just fine. But I also hate them. And their luck.

Because I am not of their tribe. Not that I have the shittiest fortune in the world or anything, but I don't think I'm necessarily touched by an angel, blessed by Buddha, in touch with the cosmos. I don't think I have stumbled into any amazing life situations like a kickass job or apartment or boyfriend. Things don't fall into my lap. I'm just kinda, you know, there. Doing my thing. Never getting what I want.

And so my thought: Food, though. With food, I can have whatever I want. Maybe that's my problem?

*slaps self*

Nah, I'm fine. Toootally fine. Peachy with a side of keen. We're not talking about food. I want for nothing.

I guess I have a point.


I'm waiting for something good to fall from the sky.

It just seems like it's time, you know? I've had a run of badness lately, cars go boom and boys go bye and no one ever replies to my resumes. I want to make changes but things seem so stagnant. I try my best but I can't control the universe.

I just soldier on.

But I feel like there's something in the air. Some tinge of electricity. Some turning of the breeze.

Something good might happen soon. I can feel it.

I want it.

This is now.

Please oh please don't make me go to work today...

APC: Day #28

.clock.

PUPPY PILE!

I feel so ew today.

Look, puppies!

Do Not Call List

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I get the urge to be productive. You know, on a small scale. Productivity without effort. Or movement. Or brainpower.

You know, like purging the thousands of sales emails in my inbox. Or organizing photos. Or cleaning out my wallet. Or making lists.

Today, I succumbed to the impulse to weed out my phone contacts.

And now I'm irritated.

It was easy enough to start out. Delete all the dudes with just one name---boys from the Internet, obviously. Delete people who I worked with briefly and haven't spoken to since. Delete college acquaintances who wouldn't be on a mass text about a theoretical engagement or bun in the oven. Delete ex-boyfriends' parents. Delete sister's ex-boyfriend, BFF's ex-boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend. Delete Gingers.

But then it gets tricky. Because some of these people...I have no idea who they are.

There's one entry for a man whose name sounds VERY familiar, but I have no idea how I know him. But, I have TWO numbers for him, so clearly he was important. So he stays. But I don't know who he is. 

And then there's an 818 for a woman who shares a name with the author of a memoir I've read, set in LA. This name does not appear on my Facebook friends list. So...did I somehow end up with the number of this random writer? Is that even possible? WHO IS THIS PERSON?

I'm flummoxed.

I hate not knowing things.

I hope I never get drunk and call these people demanding, "TELL ME WHO YOU ARE."

There's no point to this post.

I guess I'm done.

APC: Day #27 (Belated)

.on the road.

Single White Female

There have been five engagements in my orbit in the last, oh, 10 days or so. Five. A close friend from high school, two of my best friends from college, and two more acquaintances from my past who put their news on Facebook. Sparkly rings and beaming smiles dominate my newsfeed.

Nothing like a deluge of happy couple news to make a single girl feel a little down. Just a little.

Look, I don't need a relationship. I am not desperate, I am not sad, I am not lonely. (Well, I am lonely, but that is unrelated to my single status.) It depresses me greatly when when people tie their entire identity to the idea of being in a "couple", and cannot find their own happiness outside that predetermined framework. There are so many girls I know who truly feel incomplete without a man, who can't function as an independent person, who live their lives as if their sole purpose is finding a pot of penis at the end of some big rainbow. I'm definitely not that girl.

And I'm perfectly content on my own, truly. I've honestly spent so much of my life by myself I'm really quite fine with it. I've always been a pretty solitary person, ever since I was a kid, I've always liked a little breathing room. I'm introverted in that I absolutely need some "me time" to recharge my batteries. Being alone isn't the problem.

And, also, I'd much rather be single than be in a sub-par relationship, I know that for sure, and I'd definitely rather be single than spend every waking moment on the hunt for an eligible douchebag. That sounds exhausting.

So, no, I'm not desperate. And it's not like I want to get married anytime soon.

But still. Still. It would be sort of nice if someone showed some interest in me.

I'm not, you know, ugly? I smell okay. Sometimes I shower. I can hold conversations about very interesting things like the television and what I ate for lunch. I'm nice, sometimes, if you haven't pissed me off, or if I'm not hungry. Or tired. I pretend to be interested in sports and cars and shit. You know, man stuff. I laugh a lot. I have a nice rack.

But alas, all these winning qualities are wasted. Wasted. Not a candidate in sight.

I may not be desperate, and I'm not on the fast-track to marriage and brats, but I do feel like I'm ready for a relationship. I want to get to know a nice guy, and spend time with him, and explore the city with a partner. I'd like to get a little kissage. I wouldn't mind a free meal every now and then. I'd just like to form a connection, temporary is fiiiine. He doesn't have to be the one.

I'm still just not excited about the idea of going back to online dating, but I'm not sure how else to put myself out there more. Bars are always a bust, yoga's not exactly an easy place to chat up a shirtless sweaty dude, the grocery store is full of old men and frazzled dads. I have a bitty crush on a guy at work but I can't exactly jump his bones without violating some sort of code of conduct, whether corporate or social. I don't have a plethora of friends in LA and those that I do have no single men to send to my auditions.

What's a girl to do?

Except buy herself a fake sparkly ring from a Taco Bell vending machine.