In Betweening

So, of all the things in the world that one should complain about, this one falls to the very bottom of the list. But it's still fucking frustrating.

NONE OF MY CLOTHES FIT.

I know, I know, whinewhinewhine, POOR ME. But seriously. I have a closet full of adorable things that just no longer flatter me. Dresses that fit for the last 40 pounds now have billowing fabric around my hips, tricking my eyes into thinking I'm still wide. Shirts hang low on my chest, showing excessive amounts of cleavage that my mother would have something to say about. I've outgrown two rounds of jeans since January, and nothing makes me feel less cute than saggy-ass-syndrome. I'm in that in between stage where I'm not quite where I want to be, but so much better off than I was.

Last week one of the girls at work set out a challenge for us all to wear dresses/skirts/primarily no jeans the whole week. (Of course, I was mistakenly left off the email and didn't know about this until I showed up in jeans on Monday, but I digress.) I made do for the week, but honestly my options were pretty limited. And I had two dates lined up this weekend, and baggy saggy clothes just would not do.


I've had great luck in the past selling old clothes at a Crossroads Trading Company and finding great, CHEAP new old things. I hit the Santa Monica location on Saturday and had way less luck with selling than at the Silverlake location, so I guess I'll be taking a drive over there soon. They only bought ONE dress! I did, however, walk away with two pairs of jeans and four tops for a grand total, with my $8 credit, of $45. Amazing.

• Gray jeans by Blank Jeans NYC
• Dark jeans by Forever 21
• Black Floral Top by Forever 21
• White Floral Tank by Brandy Melville
• Black Bow Top by Freeway
• Black and Gold Tank by Glam

I don't want to throw away a bunch of money on things that won't fit me in another three months, but I also need to feel confident now, and not let myself schlump around in two sizes too large attire that makes me feel like I'm still just as big.

And, man, I forgot how fun shopping could be.

This is why I need unlimited cash.

And a new job.

Or a sugar daddy.

GirlTalk Texts, Penis Envy Edition

Her: My vagina and I are no longer on speaking terms. I'm selling it on Craigslist, thinking of installing a penis, bathrooms would be much easier!

Me: Hahaha truth. And you could swing it around and feel all powerful.

Her: Yup! I like this plan!

Me: I've always wanted a penis so I have something to grab.

Her: Yeah, I like grabbing my boobs but they're just less sword-like and powerful feeling.

Me: Indeed. I need something phallic like a gun or a nice car.

Her: I already like cars so I've got that part down.

Me: Excellent. Next stop, mustache!

Her: Haha, just gotta stop getting rid of it and I'll check that one off too.

Me: You are SO close to manliness. Need a trophy skank?

Her: Would you like to be mine? I'll buy you pretty things.

Me: You betcha. I'm great in bed and will cook you dinner.

Her: Perfect.

The Mental Shift

I'm approaching the end of my fifth month on Weight Watchers, and not to sound like a heinous braggart or anything, but it hasn't gotten hard yet. I keep waiting for it to. I keep waiting for the shiny newness to wear off, I expected to get frustrated with tracking and limitations and planning. I thought by now I would have fallen off plan for a week or two and have to drag myself back to basics, I thought I'd miss pasta and pizza and butter, I thought I'd have more moments of doubt.

Not to say I haven't slipped up. Of course I have. There was a spoon/Nutella/peanut butter incident last week that was regrettable. But I've always righted myself, got back on track, and never once have felt like giving up. Talking with my mom this weekend about my progress, I think I've figured out why this time is so different than every time before.

For years, I just could not get over the concept of "fair". It wasn't fair that I was naturally bigger and had been since middle school, it wasn't fair that my thin friends could eat the same exact things as me and never gain a pound, it wasn't fair that even if I lost weight I would have to watch what I ate for the rest of my life. Every diet ended up crashing and burning under the weight of what was fair. I would get overwhelmed with the entirety of my life stretching out ahead of me, devoid of the freedom to eat what I wanted and live like I wanted. I would see my future as a prison with constant fear of being fat again, and I would crumble and give up. What I wanted was to be as lazy and self-indulgent as I wanted, with no consequences, and of course that was impossible. Unfuckingfair.


But, to put it in the simplest cliche I can, life isn't all that fair, is it? And dwelling on the unfair was getting me nowhere. Realizing that was the final part of the mental shift that has made it so much easier to lose weight.

The shift began about two years ago when I was in therapy for six months with a nutritionist and disordered eating specialist. I never went to any truly unhealthy extremes with restrictive eating or purging, but I was definitely not healthy mentally and teetered on the edge of some very self-destructive behaviors. I was very sad, very lonely, full of self-loathing, and I couldn't fix myself. I tried and tried and tried to diet, to eat well, and would always bounce between extremes, 700 calories one day and 4,000 the next, eating myself sick, a slight increase on the scale would break my heart, and I just couldn't figure out why I always ended up hiding in my car with a bag of fast food, crying.

My therapist and I did discuss healthy options, calorie intake, and working out. But our primary focus was the why. Why was it that I treated my body the way I did, why did I feel such terror and anxiety over exercise and food, why did I tie so much of my self-worth into my weight. I identified the thoughts and fears that constantly tripped me up, we unpacked the meaning behind my irrational feelings about family and friends, and she let me know that no matter the crazy things that go through my mind, I'm not the only one dealing with this struggle.

Working with my therapist did not instantly fix me. In fact, in the months after I stopped seeing her, I actually gained even more weight, getting up to my highest number ever, just ounces away from that dreaded 200. But the number was no longer the point. What I needed from her was the permission to be exactly who I was, and eat and do exactly what I wanted, and have that be okay. I heavily researched the concept of "fat acceptance", read the entirety of Kate Harding's Shapely Prose archives, and let go of "The Fantasy of Being Thin", the idea that weight loss will fix every disappointment in your life. I tried hard to believe I was beautiful no matter what my size. I broke up with a toxic boyfriend who contributed to my bad habits. I started to work on accepting myself for everything that I could or couldn't change, and reminded myself of all of things that make me awesome.

Allowing myself to be happy with who I am made all the difference. And after letting myself rest for a year, after eating whatever the hell I wanted every moment of the day and exercising not at all, a funny thing happened.

I started to want to change. Not to make anyone else happy. Not to make myself look better. Not to fill a hole in my heart. I just wanted to.

And I have.

This is what I've learned: until you truly accept and love yourself just as you are, you cannot and will not change. You cannot move forward from a place of self-hatred, only self-love will give you the motivation and inspiration you need to make the most of your life. People always say that taking care of your body and staying healthy is a gift you give to yourself, but that never made sense to me until recently. Treating myself and my body with love is not a prison sentence for the rest of my life. It's the only way I can be truly happy.

Visual Memories: July 11th, 2007, 2:11 PM - Hanalei, Hawaii

May Challenge Update

I've been slacking on my May challenges.

I'm just about right on track with my calorie burn, 5585/8000 with plenty of classes on my calendar for the rest of the month. I plan to go either tonight or tomorrow, or both if I'm fancy, and I plan to kick it into high gear starting Wednesday. Four weeks until Spaaaaain! I don't think I'll be bikini ready, but I'll at least look great in a one-piece.

I haven't been taking my computer home every night, good for me, but I have not been able to resist the pull of my Roku box and endless episodes of the wonderfully terrible "Make It Or Break It". I haven't even cracked a book.

I am NOT using my time at work constructively. I am KIND OF sticking to my budget. And as far as cooking, I've been so lazy. I didn't buy any groceries whatsoever the first half of the month, which means I've already blown through my eating out monies...sigh. Luckily I've still been totally on plan as far as my food choices, but I definitely need to get back into the kitchen.

You know, once I clean it.

I've made a few meals at home, though, and have discovered my absolute new favorite meal.

SHRIMP TACOS.

La Tortilla Factory low carb/high fiber wraps, shrimp,
salsa con queso, greek yogurt, lettuce. 7 pts.

I have also been super fancy and have been making my college diet staple --- known to me as "toad in the hole" but apparently goes by numerous names.

TJ's High Fiber Bread, eggs, cheddar cheese, ketchup. 9 pts.

You're so jealous, I know. I plan to drag my butt to the store later this week and get the ingredients for some Emily Bites cupcake meals. Then I might branch out and even try a recipe from SkinnyTaste. That's some big game I'm talking. We'll see how it goes.

Bridal Shower Style

This weekend I hit the road with my favorite mama to visit San Francisco and my sister, as well as attend the bridal shower of a girl I've known since I was THIS BIG (imagine me waving my hand near my waist). We met in kindergarten, and our parents have been great friends ever since. This family is ridiculous --- three gorgeous daughters, all married off (or soon to be) to high school/college sweethearts. Bitches.

I'm a big fan of road trips, especially with my mom. We never run out of things to talk about, and the 101 from SB to SF has some gorgeous countryside. I almost forget I'm in California. Plus, she didn't take me up on my offer to drive, so I just got to sit. And gossip.

I was eyeing San Francisco with the idea that I may want to live there some day---and I definitely do. You know, in a decade or so, when I have the money to live in a nice place and have a parking spot. Ten minutes off the freeway and we saw a dude in a tutu. Good times. 

The shower was gorgeous. A warm sunny day, an outdoor patio, and custom M&Ms that matched the bride's wedding colors. Now I want to get married just so I can get some Le Creuset and a crock pot. 

I've been digging through my closet these last few weeks, getting rid of the too big and finding out that things that now fit aren't even that cute. I gave my mom a few items that needed a new zipper here, a new seam there, and I had planned to wear one of my favorite dresses to the bridal shower. Unfortunately, it's now too big, but that didn't stop me. I just slapped on a cardigan and I was good to go...except, you know, it was so freaking hot and I couldn't take it off. Ah, how we suffer for fashion.

CHECK OUT THAT CALF MUSCLE.

• Dress by Free People (I LOVES IT SO MUCH. It has boning in the chest, I hope getting it altered down to a smaller size isn't too tough...)
• Cardigan by Halogen (I have two in black, and one in brown. Love.)
• Shoes by Shoedazzle (Still my reigning favorite pair of shoes.)
• Black Plastic Heart Necklace by I Have No Idea (But I wear it a LOT.)
• White Aviators by Vigoss (Marshall's!)

Freaky Friday

There is a giant, inflatable, remote-controlled shark swimming about the office.

Duuuun dun. Duuuun dun.

That is all.

Pretty Things I Want in May

In life, I hate wanting things. If I want something too much I turn into a sizzling knot of white-hot anxiety, and I do not handle disappointment well.

If we're talking pure unadulterated consumerism, I love wanting things. I have tabs open on my browser that haven't been closed in weeks, just so I can click over whenever I like to oogle pretty shiny things that I can't afford. 

Here are May's obsessions for your viewing pleasure.

Blossom iPhone Case from SwitchEasy in Mint

Tied Crochet Dress from NastyGal in Merlot

Dare You Dress from NastyGal

Gold Starfish Cuff from Amazon

Flirty Drop Peach & Mint Earrings by RocksPaperMetal on Etsy

Thursday Thoughts

I often have what I believe to be brilliant insights into the human condition.

I usually forget them a few minutes later. I should really carry a notebook like some pretentious poet with a pencil permanently shoved up their---

Where was I?

Oh, yes, wisdom.

For instance, I have decided that leaving the freezer set to crushed ice is the equivalent to leaving the toilet seat up. If you're ridiculous enough to enjoy crushed ice, which is messy and sharp, then at least have the decency to return the setting to the standard, normal cubed ice. Harrumph.

Also, another thought, prompted by my OKCupid date last night with a British engineer with a beard. Dudes with sexy accents can get away with saying anything. Womenfolk (or gay fellows) are so distracted by the sexy cadence of a foreign man's voice that they aren't even totally listening. I only realized this morning certain things that my Brit date said that bugged me. I had to detox for 12 hours from the accent.

One more brilliant contribution to your day:

Oh, fuck. I forgot.

Another little comparison.

I pinned my little before/during picture to Pinterest yesterday...and had 600 views on the blog within an hour. 

HELLO PEOPLE! *waves* If you've stopped by, say hi!

Of course, being that this is the Internet, someone always has something to say. And apparently someone didn't "buy" my weight loss...because the picture was just of my face.

Let's rectify that.

195ish. 158.