life, love, laughs, lists, gifs, cats, culture, yoga, health, and other sordid things in the city of angels
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
Finding A Life
No, I have not been doing well.
Well, actually, that's not entirely true. In some ways, I'm doing fantastically. But in others...not so much.
Usually, when I don't post, it's because I'm lost in my own head, wandering the familiar paths of self-doubt and depression that I've worn down over time. And in some ways, this is currently true. But in others, not so. I haven't been posting because I've been...having a life?
What IS that?
In the past few weeks, I've only had a couple of nights spent at home, tucked in bed with my computer and my cat, in my safe zone. I've been out like...doing things. Dates, and plans with yoga girls, and training, and work events. I've gone out more in the past month than I probably have in the past year. And I just haven't felt much of a pull to write about this life I'm creating.
And that's probably because I'm still wandering those paths when I'm alone, eating and dwelling and beating myself up for not being morebetterfaster. Even when things are good, I think they should be different. I can't seem to find balance between my personal and private life, and the life I create in the outside world. It's like the second things change for me, even for the better, I can't hold onto whatever routine I've established, and I go off the rails. I can't seem to have my shit together all at the same time.
Am I making any sense?
I broke down in therapy last night. I feel fat and worthless and like the biggest failure on the planet. I know these feelings are unfounded, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it feels impossible.
What I need to try and remember:
I am happier than I've been in a long time. These things making me unhappy are inconsequential, unimportant. Weight is meaningless. Time is intangible. Life is long.
And that's what matters, my life.
And I'm finally finding one.
Well, actually, that's not entirely true. In some ways, I'm doing fantastically. But in others...not so much.
Usually, when I don't post, it's because I'm lost in my own head, wandering the familiar paths of self-doubt and depression that I've worn down over time. And in some ways, this is currently true. But in others, not so. I haven't been posting because I've been...having a life?
What IS that?
In the past few weeks, I've only had a couple of nights spent at home, tucked in bed with my computer and my cat, in my safe zone. I've been out like...doing things. Dates, and plans with yoga girls, and training, and work events. I've gone out more in the past month than I probably have in the past year. And I just haven't felt much of a pull to write about this life I'm creating.
And that's probably because I'm still wandering those paths when I'm alone, eating and dwelling and beating myself up for not being morebetterfaster. Even when things are good, I think they should be different. I can't seem to find balance between my personal and private life, and the life I create in the outside world. It's like the second things change for me, even for the better, I can't hold onto whatever routine I've established, and I go off the rails. I can't seem to have my shit together all at the same time.
Am I making any sense?
I broke down in therapy last night. I feel fat and worthless and like the biggest failure on the planet. I know these feelings are unfounded, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it feels impossible.
What I need to try and remember:
I am happier than I've been in a long time. These things making me unhappy are inconsequential, unimportant. Weight is meaningless. Time is intangible. Life is long.
And that's what matters, my life.
And I'm finally finding one.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Centering My Chakras
Last week at teacher training we learned all about the chakras, and can I just say?
I'm so out of balance it's insane.
A brief overview for you: we each have seven chakras, or energy centers. They're located throughout the body, and each corresponds to an incredible variety of different emotions, physical ailments, spiritual strengths, etc. When a chakra is excessive, deficient, or just out of balance, you can experience problems in your life.
AND WE ALL KNOW I HAVE PROBLEMS.
I don't know if I fully believe in the chakras, and that they're the root of everything wrong with me, but hey, it's a good place to start, right? Maybe focusing on learning about them will begin to bring me some enlightenment.
The first chakra is the muladhara chakra, or the root chakra. It relates to survival, safety, security, and the "fight or flight" instinct. "I am" is the essence of the chakra. If you're excessive in this chakra, as I feel I am, you may be prone to over-eating, sluggishness, material fixation, excessive spending...yeah. I'm definitely unbalanced in this one lately. Someone who's balanced would feel grounded, secure...centered.
The second chakra is swadisthana, located at the sacrum. This chakra is the center of creativity, or creating in general, and specifically pro-creation. It relates to identity, sexuality, pleasure and contentment. I feel like I'm maybe slightly excessive in this chakra, over-emotional and over-indulgent, but perhaps slightly deficient, fearful of change. But in some ways, I'm balanced, I feel I embrace life's pleasures and I'm a passionate person. Of all the chakras, this is one of the ones I feel is the most in balance.
The third chakra, or the manipura chakra, is located at the solar plexus and deals with the sense of self: me, myself, and I. This chakra is fascinating to me because I am so deficient on the inside, but so balanced in how I present myself to the world. I'm insecure, have low self-esteem and self-confidence, blame myself for things, have poor self-discipline, so on and so forth...but I've been told, to everyone else, I appear cheerful, outgoing, relaxed, clear and confident. So I'm definitely interested to spend time focusing on this chakra.
The fourth chakra, the heart chakra, is my most open chakra. The anahata chakra is the heart chakra, and it holds our ability to love unconditionally. I really have no problem with that. I think I am mostly balanced, I hope I am caring and compassionate, and while I can sometimes be excessive (a pleaser, possessive) or deficient (anti-social, lonely), I think overall my heart is open.
The fifth chakra is the vishuddha chakra, or the throat chakra, which relates to speech and communication. I don't usually have a problem expressing myself, but I'm definitely excessive in this chakra because I talk too much, and too loudly, and I gossip. Whoops.
The sixth chakra is the ajna chakra, like my tattoo! Overall I am fairly balanced in this chakra, though I aim to be more in tune with it. I'm slightly excessive in that I allow myself to become obsessive, but overall I work to listen to my intuition and my heart, and be imaginative.
The seventh and final chakra is the crown chakra, or the sahasrara chakra. This chakra is the direct connection to the source of everything. If you're excessive, you're constantly living in your head, frustrated, over-intellectualizing things...mmhmm.
So yeah, basically, I'm alllll out of whack. Mediation is one of the best ways to balance out your chakras, so I am going to start trying to devote a little time each day to focusing on myself and my mind.
Starting.......now.
I'm so out of balance it's insane.
A brief overview for you: we each have seven chakras, or energy centers. They're located throughout the body, and each corresponds to an incredible variety of different emotions, physical ailments, spiritual strengths, etc. When a chakra is excessive, deficient, or just out of balance, you can experience problems in your life.
AND WE ALL KNOW I HAVE PROBLEMS.
I don't know if I fully believe in the chakras, and that they're the root of everything wrong with me, but hey, it's a good place to start, right? Maybe focusing on learning about them will begin to bring me some enlightenment.
The first chakra is the muladhara chakra, or the root chakra. It relates to survival, safety, security, and the "fight or flight" instinct. "I am" is the essence of the chakra. If you're excessive in this chakra, as I feel I am, you may be prone to over-eating, sluggishness, material fixation, excessive spending...yeah. I'm definitely unbalanced in this one lately. Someone who's balanced would feel grounded, secure...centered.
The second chakra is swadisthana, located at the sacrum. This chakra is the center of creativity, or creating in general, and specifically pro-creation. It relates to identity, sexuality, pleasure and contentment. I feel like I'm maybe slightly excessive in this chakra, over-emotional and over-indulgent, but perhaps slightly deficient, fearful of change. But in some ways, I'm balanced, I feel I embrace life's pleasures and I'm a passionate person. Of all the chakras, this is one of the ones I feel is the most in balance.
The third chakra, or the manipura chakra, is located at the solar plexus and deals with the sense of self: me, myself, and I. This chakra is fascinating to me because I am so deficient on the inside, but so balanced in how I present myself to the world. I'm insecure, have low self-esteem and self-confidence, blame myself for things, have poor self-discipline, so on and so forth...but I've been told, to everyone else, I appear cheerful, outgoing, relaxed, clear and confident. So I'm definitely interested to spend time focusing on this chakra.
The fourth chakra, the heart chakra, is my most open chakra. The anahata chakra is the heart chakra, and it holds our ability to love unconditionally. I really have no problem with that. I think I am mostly balanced, I hope I am caring and compassionate, and while I can sometimes be excessive (a pleaser, possessive) or deficient (anti-social, lonely), I think overall my heart is open.
The fifth chakra is the vishuddha chakra, or the throat chakra, which relates to speech and communication. I don't usually have a problem expressing myself, but I'm definitely excessive in this chakra because I talk too much, and too loudly, and I gossip. Whoops.
The sixth chakra is the ajna chakra, like my tattoo! Overall I am fairly balanced in this chakra, though I aim to be more in tune with it. I'm slightly excessive in that I allow myself to become obsessive, but overall I work to listen to my intuition and my heart, and be imaginative.
The seventh and final chakra is the crown chakra, or the sahasrara chakra. This chakra is the direct connection to the source of everything. If you're excessive, you're constantly living in your head, frustrated, over-intellectualizing things...mmhmm.
So yeah, basically, I'm alllll out of whack. Mediation is one of the best ways to balance out your chakras, so I am going to start trying to devote a little time each day to focusing on myself and my mind.
Starting.......now.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Festival of the Chariots
Today was an incredibly exciting day.
For the first time, I taught yoga to people.
It was the annual Festival of the Chariots at Venice Beach, an Indian culture festival celebrating Lord Jagannatha, the Lord of the Universe. There was a parade of floats down one of the main streets that ended at the boardwalk, where the festival was set up. There was free food, music, dance, and all day YOGA!
My fellow teacher trainees and I ran the booth all day and taught 15 minutes of class each, and yours truly taught the very first section of the very first class. Meep!
I actually wasn't supposed to, I was supposed to teach the second class, but someone had trouble finding parking and was late so I had to step in sooner than I was prepared to. I think I did pretty well, made a little mistake but nothing catastrophic. I felt pretty confident, actually. And comfortable. And happy to be up there, guiding people through a flow.
Our booth was set up right on the edge of the park, with a view of the beach and the water. So beautiful and inspiring. No complaints about today.
The festival itself was full of love and music and life. I got blessed by Lord Jagannatha, ate some nuts, and saw some dance, and watched some crazy stilts performers, and frolicked. And took yoga.
And had the best day.
For the first time, I taught yoga to people.
It was the annual Festival of the Chariots at Venice Beach, an Indian culture festival celebrating Lord Jagannatha, the Lord of the Universe. There was a parade of floats down one of the main streets that ended at the boardwalk, where the festival was set up. There was free food, music, dance, and all day YOGA!
I actually wasn't supposed to, I was supposed to teach the second class, but someone had trouble finding parking and was late so I had to step in sooner than I was prepared to. I think I did pretty well, made a little mistake but nothing catastrophic. I felt pretty confident, actually. And comfortable. And happy to be up there, guiding people through a flow.
Our booth was set up right on the edge of the park, with a view of the beach and the water. So beautiful and inspiring. No complaints about today.
The festival itself was full of love and music and life. I got blessed by Lord Jagannatha, ate some nuts, and saw some dance, and watched some crazy stilts performers, and frolicked. And took yoga.
And had the best day.
A Stealth Dick
So, MI? The Chicago boy in my bed yesterday?
Turned out to be a bit of a dick.
I mean, not totally. Down to his very core, maybe not. But yeah, he showed some dickish behavior. I might even go so far as to proclaim him a stealth asshole.
The details of how I came to realize this are pretty much unimportant. I give plenty of TMI on this blog, but this data is too T, even for me. But suffice it to say the cherry on top of the dick sundae is that he cancelled on me for tonight, his last night in town, quite unceremoniously, without even a perfunctory apology.
Dick.
Turned out to be a bit of a dick.
I mean, not totally. Down to his very core, maybe not. But yeah, he showed some dickish behavior. I might even go so far as to proclaim him a stealth asshole.
The details of how I came to realize this are pretty much unimportant. I give plenty of TMI on this blog, but this data is too T, even for me. But suffice it to say the cherry on top of the dick sundae is that he cancelled on me for tonight, his last night in town, quite unceremoniously, without even a perfunctory apology.
Reasons I Did Not Post Yesterday
1) I barely touched my computer. Why?
2) I had a boy in my bed until noon. I woke up earlier and really wanted to make him leave, but thought that would be rude. So I just laid there.
3) Then I had to drive him home, and immediately get ready for yoga training.
4) Also, I had to fit in time for an emotional meltdown, because why not? I'm me, and there's always time for an emotional meltdown.
5) Then. Training. SO FUN. We did an exercise where we did our usual round robin style teaching (one person starts, then the instructor calls out someone else to take their place at random points), but with a twist. We all had to teach while taking on a character. Someone was Eeyore, someone was drunk, someone's dog had just died. We had a hilarious cowboy and a prostitute. I was a stoner. Yuuuup. It helped us see how your attitude as a teacher affects the whole room...plus it was just plain entertaining.
6) After training, a big group of us went to a bar down the street for one of the boys' birthdays, and then: we drank. We laughed. We talked about yoga. I ate healthy food. I drank some more. We had so. Much. Fun. One of the girls (I shall call her Stevie) had a guy she's dating come meet us (she found him on Tindr!). Then: I had a boy come meet us. A different boy than the one that was in my bed.
7) You know where this is going.
8) Bentley judged me.
2) I had a boy in my bed until noon. I woke up earlier and really wanted to make him leave, but thought that would be rude. So I just laid there.
3) Then I had to drive him home, and immediately get ready for yoga training.
4) Also, I had to fit in time for an emotional meltdown, because why not? I'm me, and there's always time for an emotional meltdown.
5) Then. Training. SO FUN. We did an exercise where we did our usual round robin style teaching (one person starts, then the instructor calls out someone else to take their place at random points), but with a twist. We all had to teach while taking on a character. Someone was Eeyore, someone was drunk, someone's dog had just died. We had a hilarious cowboy and a prostitute. I was a stoner. Yuuuup. It helped us see how your attitude as a teacher affects the whole room...plus it was just plain entertaining.
6) After training, a big group of us went to a bar down the street for one of the boys' birthdays, and then: we drank. We laughed. We talked about yoga. I ate healthy food. I drank some more. We had so. Much. Fun. One of the girls (I shall call her Stevie) had a guy she's dating come meet us (she found him on Tindr!). Then: I had a boy come meet us. A different boy than the one that was in my bed.
7) You know where this is going.
8) Bentley judged me.
9) So that is why I did not post yesterday.
10) And today, I'm doing something really cool. I'll tell you all about it later. But I won't be here.
Friday, August 2, 2013
A Few Happy Making Links
Rainbow Mountains In China's Danxia Landform Geological Park Are Very, Very Real
Wow.
23 Pictures That Will Warm Your Cold, Dead Heart
Oh, this was my favorite.
Wow.
23 Pictures That Will Warm Your Cold, Dead Heart
Oh, this was my favorite.
Heeeeeeeeeee.
Well, duh. I didn't need Buzzfeed to tell me this.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
I've made a huge mistake.
It's lunchtime, and I have just observed a yoga class and run a quick errand. I load my bag into Marilyn's trunk and slam the lid, then very quickly realize that I have dropped my keys inside.
It is at this moment I begin to revert back to my teenage self, as I tend to do in a crisis, however small. I pull on the trunk uselessly a few times, whimpering. I yank on the door handles. I huff and puff.
I call my daddy and ask if I have Triple A, 'cause it's not like I pay for it, but maybe I'm on his account?
No such luck.
I call a few locksmiths and get quoted prices I have no desire to pay. It's at this point I realize my phone is rapidly dropping under 10% battery.
Whoops.
Today is just a series of poor life decisions.
I call my local Volkswagen dealer, and get the number for roadside assistance, even though I assume it will be the most expensive of them all. But it turns out to be the cheapest at only $50. And as my phone slowly creeps towards zero, I sit and I wait.
And I reply to a text from Thumper, because he pays attention to me and I love it, and the phone's dying anyway.
Just when it's at 1% and I'm going to be left alone without a way to communicate with the locksmith coming to break into my car, my phone RINGS.
And the voice on the other line says, "Hi, I'm here to save your life."
Amazing.
"You're my hero!" I replied.
Mistake solved, keys retrieved.
Life saved.
Oh, me.
It is at this moment I begin to revert back to my teenage self, as I tend to do in a crisis, however small. I pull on the trunk uselessly a few times, whimpering. I yank on the door handles. I huff and puff.
I call my daddy and ask if I have Triple A, 'cause it's not like I pay for it, but maybe I'm on his account?
No such luck.
I call a few locksmiths and get quoted prices I have no desire to pay. It's at this point I realize my phone is rapidly dropping under 10% battery.
Whoops.
Today is just a series of poor life decisions.
I call my local Volkswagen dealer, and get the number for roadside assistance, even though I assume it will be the most expensive of them all. But it turns out to be the cheapest at only $50. And as my phone slowly creeps towards zero, I sit and I wait.
And I reply to a text from Thumper, because he pays attention to me and I love it, and the phone's dying anyway.
Just when it's at 1% and I'm going to be left alone without a way to communicate with the locksmith coming to break into my car, my phone RINGS.
And the voice on the other line says, "Hi, I'm here to save your life."
Amazing.
"You're my hero!" I replied.
Mistake solved, keys retrieved.
Life saved.
Oh, me.
Broken Record August
It's the first of the month! Fresh start! New beginnings! Blahblahblah ad nauseum!
You've heard it all before.
I didn't like what I saw on the scale this morning. I don't feel the need to share the number with you, suffice it to say it was more than it should be but less than it could have been. My formerly loose jeans are a big snug on me. I feel sluggish. My confidence is waning.
But it's the first of the month! Fresh start! New beginnings! And so on.
I started out last night thinking of the goals I wanted to set, the things I wanted to achieve, but I stopped myself. When am I going to learn that that never works? When am I going to learn that I rebel against that kind of rigidity? I don't need a list of weights and rewards, I don't need yoga challenges and weekly achievements.
I just need to tell myself this:
I feel better when I'm healthy. I feel empowered when I make the right choices for my body, mind and soul. I am happier when I'm in control.
I will get back to basics: I will track everything I eat according to Weight Watchers. I will go to yoga as much as I want, not forcing it, not resisting it, just embracing my practice. I will be gentle with myself.
And I will succeed.
You've heard it all before.
I didn't like what I saw on the scale this morning. I don't feel the need to share the number with you, suffice it to say it was more than it should be but less than it could have been. My formerly loose jeans are a big snug on me. I feel sluggish. My confidence is waning.
But it's the first of the month! Fresh start! New beginnings! And so on.
I just need to tell myself this:
I feel better when I'm healthy. I feel empowered when I make the right choices for my body, mind and soul. I am happier when I'm in control.
I will get back to basics: I will track everything I eat according to Weight Watchers. I will go to yoga as much as I want, not forcing it, not resisting it, just embracing my practice. I will be gentle with myself.
And I will succeed.
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