Just Breathe

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

That's all that's on repeat in my brain, all day, every day. As I do my best to memorize the yoga sequence of a level one class, as I try my hardest to remember the cues that guide every movement, I just think of breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

That's what will keep me steady, more than anything. In my practice, in my life. If I can just focus on my breath, the one constant I can control, I know everything would be easier. When I panic, when I worry. Just breathe.

But I get so distracted by the chatter. My mind won't shut up.

"Yogash chittah vritti nirodhah." Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind, but mine is always on overdrive, unless I just focus on the breath. But that's just harder for me than I care to admit.  It's hard for me to let go, to stop thinking of the past or the future, to just be in the moment and breathe. I'm always thinking of me, myself, I, what I'm afraid of or proud of or looking forward to or avoiding. I let the breath fall away and let the brain take over. My "chittah vritti", my monkey mind, it's in control.

This is my new focus. This is what will center me both in yoga and in life. Focusing on the breathing, taking in positivity, pushing out negativity. Breathing in the good, out with the bad. This will bring me  the kind of peace I seek.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Things I Need To Learn Not To Do

#1 Priority:

Stop internalizing my stress.

Work is twisting me in knots today, for stupid, stupid reasons. And as such, I now have a splitting, splitting headache, and am literally sick to my stomach. It's nothing I ate, obviously. It's not a real illness. It's all in my head.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!

I don't even freaking know.

God.

I'm the fucking worst.

That is all.

Belly No Belly

I noticed something this morning.

I got out of the shower, and stood in my ladythings in front of my closet, contemplating the contents. I glanced to the side. And what I saw kind of surprised me.

My belly? Is less bellyriffic. 

I mean, it's still there, obviously. But it's just less...protruding? Like, where it used to be fully rounded in a near pregnant-tummy shape, it's starting to...flatten? Maybe?

This could be due to the lack of carbs.

I stared for a while. Sucked in, pushed out. 

Then I shook it around a bit.

I got dressed, and marveled at how slimming the outfit I chose is. I let my ego fluff up a bit. I strutted into the office this morning, and almost immediately got a comment from my Silver Fox coworker that I'm looking great.

Go me. 

I mean, I won't be winning Miss California or anything. But progress is progress. And we're saying bye to the belly. 

Tonight

I have plans today y'all. Plans that guarantee me getting hot and sweaty!

I'm meeting one of the girls from TT for a class after work, then we're going to study a bit together and I'm going to see if I have the energy for a second class.

WOO.

Socialization + Yoga?

I might actually be holding on to last night's feeling...

Now

Tomorrow

There's a feeling I sometimes get when I'm alone, a rush of optimism or motivation that overtakes me, and I know I can do anything I fucking set my mind to. This feeling of power is intoxicating and exhilarating and all those things you want a good feeling to be. It's the promise of change. It's the idea of a new beginning. It's everything I've ever wanted.

It's hope.

It's usually found later in the evening, after a couple of hours of nothingness, time wasted, spent face to face with a screen. I get fed up with myself and my monotony, I get bored, and I'm struck with the desire to do more. Be more.

And I swear, tomorrow's the day. I get to planning. I make schedules and lists and I imagine all the ways it could be. Google calendar and I become great friends, my iPhone alarm clock is set just so. I plot.

If I could bottle that motivation, that feeling, I'd make a gazillion dollars. I'd never be lazy. I'd would never again disappoint myself.

Tomorrow's the day, I always say.

Let's see if it is.

Cinderella Be Over It

Obviously, the lack of update in this space means TS is no more. No word. No nothing.

Boo. Fucking. Hoo.

You know what really bothers me more than anything? The last two guys I went out with had the balls to do the whole "sorry I'm not into you" text. And this guy, who seemed to be all direct and decent and you know, adult, can't even man up to lie and be like "oh yeah, work's just too busy..."

Dickless.

I can do better, anyway. 

His loss.

Change and Chance

You know what I've realized?

You can desire change all you want. You can ache for it, dream of it, plan for it carefully until you're so sure its on its way because a + b = c and math never fails, but then...there is nothing. No difference. Your plans crash and burn, your hopes are dashed. You're the same person you were before, just maybe a little more disillusioned.

Because you cannot will change, true change, into existence.

Change doesn't come on command. Change is not something you can summon with a deep breath, you cannot call it to you like a dog. Change is more like a cat, when you yell its name it may look over at you with a smirk, but very rarely will it actually approach.

Change is gradual. Change is slow-coming. Change takes its own sweet time, it's on its own schedule, and you have no idea what that may be.

I want change. I have been changing, yes, in some small ways, in some big. I'm not discounting my successes. But there's still this overhaul I want to happen, this complete turnaround of my fundamental being. I feel myself aching for things to be different, better, brighter, but I can't quite make it all the way there yet.

Because I'm not totally ready. The winds of change have yet to blow, and I can't force them to. And the more I try, the more change runs away from me, just like a cat who really could not give a fuck about my love.

I can't fundamentally change my personality just by wishing it so. I cannot change my ingrained behaviors and habits in one day, through sheer willpower or force. I cannot change who and what I am overnight, just by hoping.

No, life does not get better by chance. Change is what we all need to grow and improve. But I think change has an element of chance in and of itself. The timing has to be right, your efforts and hopes have to align with the moon and the stars, your head and your heart need to be ready at the same time.

And as we all know, you can't control your heart.

So if you're like me and you beat yourself up every time you can't seem to push past one of your self-constructed walls, if you can't seem to turn something around or get rid of a bad habit or push past a flaw, try to be gentle with yourself. Change will come when it's ready to. All you can do is want, and try.

And this realization has let me take a breath, take a pause.

I can't force change.

It'll come when it's ready.

Monday, July 1st

It's the 1st.

It's a Monday.

GOD, I LOVE NEW BEGINNINGS. Fresh starts. Brand, spankin' new months and weeks to do with what I will.

You know me. I'm a weirdo.

Anyway.

The curse of the daily weigher is that I was a pound lighter yesterday than I am today, but being that it's my check in day, I have to log the higher weight. Wah. But what can you do? Such is life. And this isn't a race. And I'm still moving in the right direction, I had a great week, and I'm ALMOST FUCKING DONE WITH MY WHOLE30.

WOO!

Weight: 142.6 (- 1.2)
Mood: Fanfuckingtastic! (If we're talking weight/food/health, not boys.) I saw the lowest weight I've seen since I was 18, I've been controlling my emotions and staying positive, and I just feel awesome about what I'm doing for myself.
Food: Great! Backed off on my juices and smoothies, didn't get takeout at all this week, ate lots of hard boiled eggs and ground turkey and sweet potatoes, and it felt awesome.
Movement: Did a little yoga. I'm trying, okay? That's all I can do.

This week, I wanted to...

...go to yoga five times, ha.

...keep my apartment in its current lovely clean state, and no.

...stay positive no matter what the scale says, and yes! Helps that the scale was kind.

This week, I would like to...

...keep my focus on yoga.

...limit my screen time.

...keep myself in check when I go off the Whole30 plan.

Hello, July!

Can you believe it's already freaking JULY!?!?!

This year is just flying. I don't understand it. I'm going to be old and dead in the blink of an eye.

Good morning, I'm in a cheery mood, I swear. Just contemplating my imminent death.

JULY!

Quite officially, summer. Quite officially, hot.

Let's check in on how June went, shall we?

I wanted to...

...get myself back on track and end the month lighter than I started it, and I did!

...spend less money, and I...sort of did.

...post every day, and I did, but not as much as I used to.

...be brave, and I think I was.

...rediscover my passion, and I did!

In July, I would like to...

...be a yoga monster.

That's it. That's all I want.

Let's do this, July!