Partner In Crime

Pillhead

Since I started on my happy pills, I've had my various orange medicine bottles rattling around in the bottom of my big purse amongst the receipts, lip glosses and random assortment of trinkets. Every time I was ready to take my meds and I had to dig around in there for too long fishing for my bottles, I felt a bit like a crazy addict.

So I decided my drugs need a home. A nice safe little nook to live in, so they're all together in one place and easy for me to find.

And I had the perfect spot for them. A makeup bag that hasn't gotten any love in awhile.

ELEPHANT!

"I could watch you forever..."

Yoga Hilarity

Speeding Towards...Something

I got a speeding ticket a few years ago going 68 in a 65. Cost me $304. Fuck the CHP.

Okay, granted, before I came up behind the patrol car, I'd been doing maybe 75. But he did not clock me at 75, now did he?

Anyway, my point: I didn't speed (much) for awhile after that, for fear of another ticket and the inability to do online traffic school. But now that my probationary period is up, I am back to zipping along the 101 towards Santa Barbara with my Marilyn at reasonable if slightly excessive speeds, trying to beat my fastest time door to door.

I'm like this with walking, too. I am a damn speedy walker. Even when there's really no rush, I'd rather just get to where I'm going and sit there, instead of taking longer to arrive. Even if when I arrive, I'm slightly out of breath and glowing. (A lady doesn't sweat.) I just want to get there, because I am not about the journey, I am about the destination.

And this is my life philosophy. I am constantly mentally rushing, rushing, pushing through things, wondering why I'm not further along than I already am, looking forward to the future and what it'll be like when I get there. Yet, in actuality, I don't rush, because I'm afraid of what lies at the end. Afraid that once I get there, it won't be everything I thought it would be.

It's hard to stop my brain from playing these games. When I find myself with nothing to do, and my thoughts start to wander, I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't fucked up this time or that, if I had reached my goal weight and was living a different life now, if I'd already found my life's purpose, a job that fulfills me, if I had reached my self-decided finish line a long time ago, a husband or a house or a billboard with my face painted on it. Who would I be? Would I be all-consumingly happy?

It's like I keep waiting for my life to start, and losing weight is the one way that I'll get there. We all know this is bullshit. There is no fantasy of being thin. But I've been living the past few years in this mode where I have trouble just enjoying the moment, where everything I'm doing is just something to get through on the way to the next thing. Even the things that are enjoyable, I have a hard time enjoying, because I'm mentally looking forward to what lies ahead, what happens when it's all over.

I have such a hard time being present.

It's not the way to live.

I know that know, and moving past this type of self-sabotage is one of my greatest challenges. Trying to be present in my life, taking it one day at a time, one cliche at a time, all that hippie yogini nonsense I've been spouting for weeks. I don't want to be this person, speeding through life, rushing towards some intangible something. When I take the time to slow down, to breathe through my day and appreciate the little moments, I'm amazed by how much easier things seem to be. How much more enjoyable. But my default mode of rushrushrush is such an ingrained habit at this point, it's hard to fight it.

Being happy and present in the moment is what yoga teaches you, and that is my intention for every practice now. Shutting your mind off is one of the core principles of yoga, but honestly that's one of the hardest things for me, and something I need to commit to focusing on both on my mat, and in my life. Staying present in every moment, happy in what I'm doing, where I am, not constantly looking forward to whatever comes up next.

That's the way I want to live, and that's what I've been chasing for months. Positivity, happiness, presence.

And maybe I should stop speeding in my car. 

And don't forget to freak out.

Tall Drink of Links

Good morning, Wednesday.

Some links for you.

First, let's watch a woman be FREAKING BADASS AND AMAZING. She has self-confidence I have never dreamed of.

Ian Somerhalder Cuddling With Puppies Is The Cutest Thing You'll See All Day

I mean, all you need is the title. Why are you still here?

The History of Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally’s Awesome Marriage

Awwwwww.  You know, I had this link open for days, and I almost closed it but finally got around to reading it. So worth it.

37 Professional Photoshoppers Who Should Be Fired Immediately

More photoshop, now the bad end of the spectrum. I'm FRIGHTENED.

Rosario Dawson & Michael Fassbender spotted together

This could be hot. If not me, I could support this.

21 Flawless Cattacks

Teehee. Kitties.

Once I almost touched his shoulder in the middle of a pop quiz.

I have finally started my rewatch of My So Called Life. It was necessary.

It's reminding me of my own desperate, desperate Jordan Catalano-esque love from my youth.

I fell in love with a boy the first day of sixth grade at my brand new school. 

I walked into class in my glasses that first day, and sat down at an empty desk in the back, and tried my best not to be noticed. He entered a few minutes later, so tall, and the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen, and he almost sat next to me...and then didn't. 

I was completely and totally in love with him for four years. 

He lived in my neighborhood, and my sister was friends with his sister. I cataloged our every conversation. I can still recall some of them vividly. I remember a dream I had about him once. I'm almost positive he knew I was obsessed with him. 

It was not to be.

One time, a girl I carpooled with, a gorgeous little thing who is now an actress here in LA (hmph), made him her boyfriend and kissed him in the hall in full view of me. Bitch.

Anyway.

My point?

I love Jordan Catalano.

The Beyond Section

I went a little crazy with my Bed, Bath and Beyond gift cards.

I may have exceeded my gift card funds.

Let's assess the apartment transformations, shall we?

With the assistance of one Mr. Tree, who helped by sitting in a plastic bag, right in my way.

First we have my brand new, big shiny shelves, providing much needed space in my bathroom. Also, check out my squishy new purple rug, and my awesome new colorful towels.

My old shelves got moved to the kitchen, where they became a new pantry. Prior to today all my food stuffs were crammed into a teeny tiny cabinet, and now they have room to breeeathe. Fun fact---I don't have a lot of food.

I also could not resist the allure of something I've wanted for a good long while --- lighted flowers. Or what I ended up with, lighted branches, with little crystal flowers.

Tree approves of the decoration and organization. He does not approve of the blogging, because then I am not paying attention to him.

Diet Coke: The Reunion

Challenge achieved. No Diet Coke for the entirety of Lent. Go me.

But...I'm not giving it up forever.

I am, however, giving it up as a habit. I'm not going back to my daily dose. I'm not going to have it every time I'm out, every time it's around, every time I step foot into the work kitchen.

I am, however, enjoying one right now.

Oh, sweet sweet Diet Coke, HOW I HAVE MISSED THEE.

BUBBLES BUBBLES BUBBLES!