Seeking Manfriend

No one NEEDS a boyfriend. Not really. People should be happy alone, relationships are hard work, need is relative, blahblahblah.

But I think I need a boyfriend.

Yes, it would be helpful to have someone to reach the tall shelves in my kitchen so I don't have to stand on a chair. And I wouldn't complain about having someone to drive my drunk ass home from bars. Sure, it would be nice if I actually had a person to make out with instead of my own hand. And batteries are expensive.

These are all valid reasons, yes. But really, I need a boyfriend for one specific purpose.

So I can force him to be my photographer for blog photo shoots.

National Mean Girls Day

Today is a very important holiday. Today, we celebrate the classic film "Mean Girls".

Why?

That's why.

Yeah yeah, kind of a weak excuse for a fake holiday, I know. But I will take any opportunity to shout "YOU GO GLENN COCO!" or proclaim "That is SO fetch!" 

There's another "why" too, though. I noted the holiday this morning as my news feed filled up with quotes and comments, but had no intention of posting a blog about it. Didn't seem that interesting. But I have to confess that I am currently exhibiting some very mean girl behavior, so I thought I'd share. 

I have a very long story I could start with about about a former friend and his batshit crazy girlfriend and her campaign to remove me from his life, but honestly it bores me to think of it. And her. So that's all the backstory you need. That, and this heinous troll called me fat. And just was generally a TERRIBLE person. Truly. Take my word for it.

Guess who popped up on my newsfeed today, looking far more rotund than the last time I saw her?

This tickles me.

Karma's a biiitch.

And so am I. Clearly.

I don't hate you because you're fat. You're fat because I hate you.

I know it may look like I've become a bitch, but that's only because I'm acting like a bitch.

Okay, I'm done.

BOO YOU WHORE.

Fall FAIL

It's October.

October is fall. October is pumpkin and sweaters and changing leaves (you know, places that aren't here) and cider and rain and CUDDLING.

WHY IS IT STILL SO FUCKING HOT IN LA?!

I hate. I haaaate. I wanna wear boots and scarves and cute hats. I want to feel a chill when I snuggle up with Mr. Tree in the evenings. I want to bust out my fave coat and rock that shit all over town.

But I can't do that.

Because it's fucking hot.

Can it actually be autumn now?

Audio Candy

Talent is damn sexy.

Whoever had the talent to take snippets of sound from animated films and craft these awesome tunes is probably one hot piece of ass.

Enjoy!

The Money Dance

I love money. I love it.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't tell you the whole story. Sure, a miserable person will not be made instantly joyful by the addition of a few dollars to their bank account. Money does not give you family or true friends or purpose in life. Money doesn't make you a good person.

But you know what money does? It makes life easier. It cushions the blows. If you're miserable and lonely, well at least with money you can buy a plethora of hobbies and a few dogs. Maybe even rent a friend. Money lets you enjoy the things life has to offer --- theater, restaurants, travel. Money limits your stress. Money smells good.

I have a point, I swear.

My second car accident on that fateful day in August resulted in minimal damage to my front bumper. Today I had an appointment to get my car evaluated, and planned to request a check on the spot, since you can barely see the dents and I don't want to get it fixed yet and honestly I just don't give a fuck. I love money.

Yes, I did consider taking a hammer to my car to cause more damage and get more money. But I did not. Because that's ILLEGAL.

Anyway, I just got back from the body shop. I was expecting a couple hundred dollars maybe...but we all know how expensive car repairs are, and multiple pieces of my bumper had nicks and dents. So I was a little hopeful.

And I ended up with an entire month's worth of rent. CASH.

'MERIKA FUCK YEAH!

I love money and capitalism and shiny things.

Chin up, everybody loves a happy face!

I am in a better mood today.

I have cycled through the grief stages post job-loss (can you lose a job you never had?) and have arrived at anger.

I DON'T WANNA WORK FOR YOU ANYWAY UR DUMB AND STUPID LOUD NOISES.

Like, I had to email to check in yesterday after they said I'd hear by the end of last week, and I got my rejection within 6 minutes. So they already knew they didn't want to hire me, and just hadn't gotten around to telling me that yet. RUDE. Harrumph.

I asked for feedback, and while I was told they could not give any for legal reasons, they said that I was liked, they just had another candidate that was a better fit. Probably because they had bigger boobs.

So, I'm over it. It wasn't the perfect job. It was just a job, it clearly was not meant to be, and I'll find a better one.

Hopefully soon.

I just feel like the Universe owes me something. Something good. A job, a man, a million dollars, maybe a coupon for a free cupcake. Something.

Come on, Universe. Do me a solid. Sprinkle me with luck, sauté me in good fortune, spread me on some joy...crackers...

I'm hungry.

Fashion Fuckery

I've been keeping tabs on the fashion weeks occurring around the globe, but that's not really my scene. It doesn't matter what Sarah Burton or Georgina Chapman has whipped up out of tulle and satin, I can't afford it and it doesn't really affect my style choices.

But I have something to say.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

THAT IS A BAG MADE OUT OF HULA HOOPS.

THAT PROBABLY COSTS MORE THAN MY CAR.

Karl, honey, you've been smoking too much crack.

Bad News Bears

I did not get the job.

They said I was a strong candidate, but after "much discussion" decided not to extend an offer.

Well, that's lovely. Now I have no light at the end of this stupid creepy rape tunnel. Life will continue to suck for the foreseeable future.

Now I have to attempt to not eat my feelings. 'Cause it's the first of the month, and all.

October already sucks.

"That's not my name..."

I've been at my current job since January of 2011. We have had the same FedEx delivery guy since I started.

Somehow, he got it into his head that my name was Jane. Which it is not, by the way. And I didn't really want to correct him. Because I'm just polite like that. I started very clearly signing my name, hoping it would help.

This did not help.

Almost two years later and I'm still Jane. It's a nice name. But it's not mine.

Awk. Ward.

 

Oh, October...

I don't want to write the post I need to write. My confessions. It's just a repeat of everything I've whined about for the last few months. I haven't been doing well.

It's the first of the month, though! And we know how I love starting over.

I can't change the past. I can't erase the last two weeks. I can't fix everything that's wrong just by wishing it so. I can't undo the choices I've made.

I just need to move forward.

October will be better. I really hope so.