Saturday, April 13, 2013

More Words, More Thoughts

I promised you words, I will deliver.

I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Self, you should write. Pick a topic and just flow with it. Go." But the well seems to have run dry at this moment in time. Have I seriously run out of things to whine about in regards to myself?


Maybe I'm just content at the moment. Nothing's currently weighing on my mind, nothing's itching to be worked out through the craft of writing. I'm perpetually confused, but right now, I'm mostly centered. Which is actually kind of worrisome. The calm before the storm, you know.

I'm right on that precipice, the same spot I fell off the cliff in such a fantastical fashion last time. I'm so close to the lowest number I've seen since I was 18, and it was at that weight last year that I flipped my shit and went a little nuts on Cheetos. You remember.

I've worked out the why though. So that should be enough to keep it from happening again, right?

The why is this: I thought losing weight was enough to make it all different. The "all" being my life, my happiness, my job, my relationships, my self. And of course, it wasn't. Because weight is nothing in the grand scheme of things. A body is a body is a body, the insides are what make up a life. No, that's not to say that weight and size are inconsequential, obviously my self-confidence and the way I'm treated in society are wrapped up in my appearance, but as far as my own personal peace?

That has nothing to do with some arbitrary number.

And I've figured that out. Or, I'm working on it.

And that "all" that I wanted to be different? I'm working on making it so, not expecting some magical changes to manifest themselves when I slip my hot ass into a size six dress. I am making active changes on my own, decisions, using my power in a way I'm not sure I ever have in my life. I've always felt like I've floated along in life, allowing things to happen to me, not making real choices, until now.

Things are changing. am changing.

So, no. I don't think I'll fall off that cliff again. And if I do, I think I know how to climb my way back up.

Oh hey, look. Words.

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