My Weight Loss Journey

Relevant Posts:

It's just food.
Food is weird, and other thoughts.
Fit Not Skinny
Trust Yourself
Bingiversary
Before/Afters

I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't think I was fat, or wasn't trying to lose weight.

I remember driving home from Disneyland as a child, sleeping on the backseat, probably six or so? I was facing the back of the seat and turned to glance over my shoulder and decided my butt was really big.

I remember being in fifth grade and stepping a scale with a friend of mine at a Friday night sleepover, together deciding we were soooo fat when the numbers climbed higher than we thought they should. Of course, now I know what I saw as "fat" was just early puberty, the onset of breasts and hips and adulthood. But that doesn't fix what these thoughts did to my brain.

I have always had a completely skewed perspective of my own body and health. No matter what size I was, I was fat. At 15 years old I recall being 145 pounds and thinking I was grotesque. Same thing at 18 years, at 165.

That was the first time I did Weight Watchers, just before leaving for college. I lost over 30 pounds without ever exercising  and dropped the program the second I stepped foot onto campus. I knew I was smaller, but I still didn't see myself as I really was, as 133 pounds and objectively small, totally normal in a sea of other young women.

I still felt huge.

And I quickly gained the weight again. I hardly noticed, until I was up to 185 pounds within three years.

I was sad throughout a lot of college. I was happy too, don't get me wrong, I had great friends and great experiences and made some wonderful memories. But I was deeply, deeply sad. And I soothed that sadness with food. I ate, and I drank, and I ate, and I went to class, and I stayed in bed all day, and I went to parties, and I turned down invitations because I couldn't face myself in the mirror, and I studied abroad, and I hid in my room, and I was happy, and I cried a lot. And I ate.

I graduated within three years, an impressive feat I guess, thought it didn't really feel impressive at the time. I  just wanted to be done with college. I didn't really enjoy it. In retrospect, it's sad that I rushed through it the way I did due to my depression, and medicated it the way I did with food and other substances. But you know, you can't change the past.

After college, I struggled more and more with my weight and self image. My size went up and down. My depression and self-loathing ran rampant. I had a boyfriend who was very bad for me, and I got bigger. I broke up with that boyfriend, I moved to LA, and I continued to struggle and struggle.

The highest number I ever saw on the scale was 199.5. I never saw anything over 200, but I bet you I got there.

And now here I am, trying to fix myself. Finally trying to solve the root problems of why I eat, instead of just forcing myself to starve. I've finally accepted wholeheartedly the one thing that eluded me for so long, tripped me up, kept me from truly succeeding---it will probably always be like this. I will probably always have to fight my own demons.

But that's no reason not to try.