Sunday, June 30, 2013

Yogaful Weekend

I had the best weekend ever.

The best.

It was full of yoga and joy and new friends and fun, and I can't remember the last time I had a weekend that was so full of just...fun.

Yesterday I worked a morning cleaning shift at the studio, took a class (yay!), then had training, then went out for drinks and dinner with some of the girls from the program. I know, right? I was social. Everyone was so nice and hilarious and we all had a blast. I think...I might be making friends? I know, I know, let's not get too ahead of ourselves here, but they all live in the area, and we're bonding over our love of yoga. And margaritas. It was awesome.

Today was more training, which ended early because there was a yoga festival in Santa Monica that our instructor said we could attend if we so chose to. Called Wanderlust: Yoga In The City, it featured, well, yoga. On the pier, in the city.

And free snacks.

It was magical. Just being in a huge crowd of like-minded people, with the sun streaming down on us, the ocean breeze on our skin. Laughing. Bending.

Awesome.

Then after the yoga, MC Yogi put on a mini concert for us, and I danced my little ass off, and oh my god.

I'm just so happy.

Best day, best weekend.



video

Inward


Saturday, June 29, 2013

"If I knew what I knew in the past..."

Sometimes I have inner conflict when I listen to rap, and find myself tuning into the lyrics with their misogyny and whatnot.

But damn. This song. 

Judges and Sentences

This week's therapy section solidified a problem of mine that you've probably already pinpointed as a reader of this blog, and maybe I've even said it out loud before. But it bears repeating.

I live my life in constant fear of judgment.

It's ingrained in me, like a disease. A poison got into my veins a long time ago, and it's rotting me from the inside out.

When I walk into a room, I actually think everyone there is judging me. Is aware of me, and has an opinion about me, and it's negative. That's how self-centered I am. When I say something that I later regret, I obsess over it for days, months, even years, because I think it mattered to that person as much as it mattered to me. When I get an anonymous blog comment in my inbox, my heart skips a beat before I read it 'cause I'm afraid someone is going to say something judgy about me.

This fear of mine bleeds over into my day to day actions. I avoid things for fear of being judged. I don't go out, I'd rather stay in the safety of my bubble where no one but my bitch of a cat can have an opinion about me and what I do.

I confess, I haven't found my inner yoga monster yet. I know, I know. DON'T JUDGE ME. And that's it, that's what I'm scared of. Now that there are people at the studio who know me, I'm afraid. Afraid I'm not good enough. Like yoga is suddenly this competition and I'm the fat girl who's inevitably going to be picked last for Team Downward Dog.

It's a sickness. I've sentenced myself to solitude, 'cause I think everyone else already has.

This whole thing ties in to my desperate need to be liked, my history of being the new girl in school. It's hard for me to feel comfortable in new situations, to feel like I belong there. I feel like I'm an intruder, an outsider. Always.

Of course, the truth is that no one is focusing on me nearly as much as I'm focusing on myself. And if they are, their opinions of me say far more about them than they do about me, as that saying goes. So what is it that I'm so fearful of? Not being perceived as perfect, not being universally liked? Taking risks? Just...being?

I can't control what other people think. And I'll never know anyway, not really. So hopefully I can find some way to cure this cancer inside me, before it totally eats away at my self-confidence and potential for success.

Because deep down I like who I am. And I should accept that other people can like that person too.

The Whole Home Stretch

Four. More. Days.

FOUR. MORE. DAYS.

Then...


I mean, really, I'm joyful, but I'm not actually aching for the end of my Whole30, dreaming of garlic bread and ice cream. I'm fine! And I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking with it and having it be so...almost easy. I really can have willpower when I want to.

Things I've Learned During My Whole30

*I like eating clean. Imagine that.
*I can make myself cook and prep and try, when I have to.
*It feels great to refocus on eating right.
*It's expensive to eat healthy.
*I can eat intuitively, not count points or calories or ounces or grams, and nourish myself, and not binge.


Things I Think I Learned During My Whole30
(But Will Confirm Next Week When I Reintroduce Things)

*My body needs the fuel of grains, or dairy, or both. I just don't really feel totally right

So, yes. FOUR. MORE. DAYS. 

And soon...

SUSHI!


Friday, June 28, 2013

I want a beer and a boy.

I don't want much in life.

I'm not super greedy. Despite the sarcasm that runs rampant on this blog, I don't really think I should be filthy rich, or have an amazing job, or be worshipped as a deity. I know I'm not entitled to those things. (Yet.)

Right now, my wants are very simple.

I want a beer.

But I can't have one, 'cause they're gluteny.

And I want a boy.

But I can't have one.

Apparently.

Star Trekkin'

Last night after therapy (rescheduled from Wednesday since I had my work BBQ) I met up with my daddy-o in Culver City for Chipotle and Star Trek! Super entertaining, I recommend it.

However, the intent of the film was probably not for me to walk away with a crush on the villain, but that's what happened.

Mmm. Benedict Cumberbatch. So weirdly attractive.

That is all.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Wanna see my peacock?

There are many things I could have done with my legal earnings from Monday. So many things.

But I bought yoga pants. Specifically, sweet, bitchin' peacock print yoga pants from Onzie.

LOOK HOW PRETTY.



Excuse me, I must go strut.

The Girl Brain

Be warned: you are about to read an official Crazy Post, courtesy of my spazzing girl brain.

Are you ready?

Be ready.

Okay.

Pretty sure TS is over it. Or if he's not over it, I might be over it.

I'm displeased today. Let's put it that way.

Reasons Why He's Not Texting Me
  • He's over it.
  • He's under it.
  • He's really super duper busy. 
  • He's lost.
  • He's sickly.
  • He got to stay the night in my bed so he thinks he's "in" and doesn't have to do any work anymore.
  • He didn't get The Sex and thinks he never will because this is the goddamn 1950s.
  • I'm a bad kisser.
  • He's playing games with me.
  • He forgot my name.
  • He accidentally deleted my number. 
  • He got to pet Bentley and that's all he wanted from me.

Acceptable Reasons Not To Text Me
  • Death.
  • Dismemberment.
  • Being over it, I guess, though a polite brush off would be nice.

Every other reason is dumb and time could be made for a five second text. Three second. Yes? YES. 

GOD.

I mean, look, I get that a few days without texting is not that big of a deal, but last week he texted me pretty much every day. So it just seems suspect, if you ask me. And you did ask me. You came to my blog.

So I just have this feeling that he's over it.

And you know, even if he's not, the fact that I haven't gotten any of that attention I so desperately need in the last few days has indicated something to me. I've started to lose interest, which means I probably was only into him because he was so obviously, or seemingly anyway, into me. 

Make sense?

Sure.

Anyway.

Irritated.

And he seemed so promising! That's the thing! I was all optimistic and shit. What does this teach me?

Optimism is for suckers.

May all beings everywhere be happy and free...

I confess, I've never really gotten too into the chanting part of the practice of yoga. You know, when you all sing out "ommmmm", and connect your energy, and offer it up to the heavens...or something.

It's never really done much for me.

But through the process of my teacher training, as I learn more about the history of yoga and the spirituality of the practice, I see myself becoming more connected to these aspects. The oms are taking on more meaning. The chanting doesn't seem so, well, silly.

This week we've learned a new chant, beyond the basic om. And I'm kind of in love with it.


May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.

I just love this. I love the meaning, I love the flow of the chant, and I love the way I feel when my class is singing it together.

New tattoo inspiration, perhaps...?

Pointless Post

I'm currently full of self loathing for something so dumb.

Yesterday we had a work BBQ, and we had a water balloon fight! IT WAS FUN.

I forgot to take pictures of all the water balloons I filled up.

And all my other pictures have coworkers in them.

So...this post is boring.

Woo? I went to a BBQ?

And...scene.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Sexual Harassment GirlTalk Texts

Me: We have a temp employee at work that's so blistering hot it should be illegal. I get to run errands with him today and I'm oh so excited. He is a FINE specimen.
Her: Dude, you should "accidentally" grab his ass.
Me: I have thought about it. He is tall and manly. I want to hit it like the fist of an angry god.
Her: Hard and with little concern for morality?
Me: Precisely.

A Day For Love

Today, I'm pretty fucking proud to be an American.



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Blast from the Past

I got a message on OkCupid today that read, "Haven't we chatted on here before?"

I didn't recognize the profile name, and was going to just pass it by, assuming it was merely a line. But out of curiosity I clicked on the profile, and actually did recognize the guy.

We went on a date.

Three years ago.

At first I was like...


But then I was just like...


I even remembered his name, can you believe it? He didn't remember mine, but that's okay. Three years is a long time. We had a good enough date, if I recall correctly, but then I met someone I liked better, or he started dating someone, or I think we mostly had friends chemistry. Honestly not sure. But we were even Facebook friends for while!

Oh man.

Hilarious. 

We're totally gonna get drinks. 'Cause why the hell not? Either we'll be BFFs, fall in love, or he'll turn out to be a total creeper. 

Any way it turns out, it'll make for a great story. 

The Lazy Life

I have a confession.

For awhile, a long while, months while, I've been basically living in bed. Like, I get home from work, and I go straight to the comfort of my pillows. I watch TV from bed, I write from bed, I eat in bed...I'm there for hours every night, all day on weekends.

It's kind of awful.

No wonder I feel like such a lazy cow. Could it be because I am a lazy cow?

So I made a commitment to myself yesterday to stay out of my bed, for a number of reasons. It'll help me sleep better. It'll help me be more productive. And it'll certainly help me feel less like a sloth.


This weekend while I was making my quiche, I sat down at my kitchen table while it was baking and noticed that I actually have a very nice view there. So last night, I sat there, and I wrote. 

It was lovely.

Then I moved to my couch.

I did some dishes. Put away laundry.

Then to bed.

PROGRESS.

Monday, June 24, 2013

GirlTalk Texts, Deprivation Edition

Her: I would like some action. Like, now, dammit. I am not engineered to go without sex for long periods of time. I am feeble.
Me: I am not engineered to go without flattery for long periods. I need TS to text me and flatter me. Or I will be over it.
Her: We shouldn't have to live in theses conditions.
Me: It's like the third world up in here.
Her: OR WORSE.

You Got Served

A friend from San Diego asked if I wanted to make $30 and serve some legal papers today. You know me, I'm always up to make drug money, so I said sure!

Then I got paranoid that these were like, surrious papers, divorce or something, and I was gonna get yelled at and have them thrown in my face and called a stupid bitch or something.

That didn't happen.

It was kind of boring. Took an hour. But I made $30! Thanks, friend!

Monday, June 24th

Siiiigh.

No, the point of this Whole30 experiment is not weight loss. But weight loss is supposed to happen. It is.

And it did not, this week.

I know I'm doing the right things, but I could be doing some things better. I'm planning to make some changes with my food, and I'll be increasing my activity, and all that combined will certainly affect the scale. But...still. Still. I've been working so hard. I really didn't want to see a gain today, even a small one.

Meh.

Weight: 143.8 (+ 0.6)
Mood: Pretty great until the stupid scale today, which should tell me something. Although, really, it's not affecting me as much as it would have in the past, so that's good. I've stayed really positive this week, it really has started to feel like second nature.
Food: Good! Made a recipe, found some new snacks, have been better about fueling myself properly. I think I need to cut back on fruit and incorporate more veggies, up my protein, and maybe that will help the scale move.
Movement: I haven't fully stuck to my yoga schedule, but I'm doing alright, and I really think I'm going to find my groove again. I just have to keep trying.


This week, I wanted to...

...wholly recommit myself to my yoga practice, and I did that. I could have gone more, but I'm happy with what I did. This week I'll be even more committed. 
...make recipes so I have plenty of options for food at home, and I did make one!
...be happy, and I was.

This week, I would like to...

...go to yoga five times.
...keep my apartment in its current lovely clean state.
...stay positive no matter what the scale says.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sunday Prep Day

GUYS.

I did it.

I finally did it.

This is just a week of firsts.

I've always known the best way to prepare for a week of healthy eating would be to do a Sunday Prep Day. Cooking and meal planning, those are the building blocks of weight loss success. But they take time, and effort, and I hate having to put in time, and effort.

BUT TODAY.

Oh, today.

I woke up later than usual, so it's not like I just had ample amounts of extra time or anything. I said bye to the boy, and contemplated the groceries I bought yesterday eve. I thought about having a basic, easy breakfast.

And decided to make me a recipe instead.

This recipe, to be exact.

Meat crust quiche? Oh, hell yeah. The crust. Is meat.

It. Was. BOMB.


And while it was baking, I turned the rest of the dozen eggs I bought into hard boiled ones. And now I am set for snacks, and meals, for the week!

LOOK AT ME GO.

After yoga tonight, I might get really wild and cook up a batch of ground turkey for stuffed sweet potatoes, then I'd even have VARIETY. Who knows?

"I wanna be the little spoon..."

I had a boy in my bed last night.

NOT LIKE THAT. He behaved.

And this song was in my head when I woke up this morning.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Rewardish #7: Cover Me Up

As I told you, I bought my new comforter/duvet early, you know...apparently, way too early, which could maaaaybe be a part of the reason why I tripped up and went cray for a bit there.

But I got myself back on track, and I've been SO GOOD with my Whole30, and my comforter has just been SITTING THERE, and I think I've earned it, don't you? Even though I'm not quite at my weight yet, I'm almost there, and dammit I DESERVE MY COMFORTER.

Yeah.




ISN'T IT PERFECT?

I have shams too. I just haven't put them out yet.

143 - lowest weight - Roll around on my new comforter and be happy.
139 - new decade - Dye hair.
136 - original goal - Cleaning service to deep clean my apartment. (Instead of getting a massage. What will be more valuable to me, I mean really? My place NEEDS IT.)
132 - college weight - New purse.
130 - Final Goal! - SHOP!
Maintenance Goal - Tattoo

What Is Yoga?

Our first assignment for teacher training (or TT as I will inevitably start calling it) was to write a little essay with the prompt: what is yoga and why do you practice yoga?

This is what I turned in.

What Is Yoga?

Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self. 
-The Bhagavad Gita

Yoga is so many things. In its simplest form, yoga is a physical way to express love. Love for oneself, one's fellow human beings and for the world outside one's own experience. Too, yoga is playfulness and passion and peace, it's a practice of patience and positivity. But to me, above all else, yoga is about exploration---exploration of yourself and exploration of your universe. Throughout the time I've spent practicing yoga, I've found out more about who I am than I've learned in the rest of my years on this earth combined, and I know through continued exploration I will come to learn far more about my authentic self than I ever thought possible. That's what yoga offers---the chance to be open to what's around us and inside us, and open to change. 

I spent my childhood and the beginning years of my adult life hating exercise and hating my body. Anything physical was stressful for me, a catalyst for negative thoughts like “why am I not good enough, fast enough, strong enough?” I never found any athletic activity that spoke to me, that gave me any peace or joy or made me feel truly connected with my body, and as a result I was a very unhealthy and unhappy person. When I first truly discovered yoga at age twenty one (though I had experimented with it prior to then), I finally realized there was a way to use my body that didn't involve pushing it, or pulling it, or forcing it to do something it didn't want to do. 

Once I found yoga, it opened up an entire new world to me---the world of my own body and mind. Through yoga, I can explore my fears and hesitations, confront my own ego, and find answers. 

Something clicked for me when I tried my first CorePower class in January 2012, and since then yoga has become like a kind of therapy to me. Yoga is the tool I use to live my life as authentically, healthfully and happily as I can. Through my sun salutations I explore who I am and what my body and brain need---peace, openness, and gentleness. Yoga is the journey I am on to find myself.

Headstandin'

I did it.

I've been so close, so many times. But I've never quite found my center, until last night.

Maybe it's because I'd already practiced once that day, who knows. But as I tightened my core and pulled my legs up into a pretty damn solid headstand for the first time, and saw myself in the mirror with a big goofy smile on my face, I knew.

I did it. I held it, legs straight, for a good few seconds. 

Of course, I fell out a minute later, but not a full on topple like a few weeks ago. A controlled fall in a normal direction. That's an even bigger win. 

BOOM.

Headstandin'.

Yes, I've used this pic before. No, I don't care.
It's amazing.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Text Suspense

I'm trying really hard this dating go-around not to adhere to arbitrary, antiquated rules and rituals passed down from decades past about what is and is not acceptable behavior. I'm going with my gut, doing what I want, and being as forward, or as not, as I darn well please.

Which is why I pushed for plans for Date #2 with TS last weekend. He'd made it clear he'd like to see me, so why play the game of waiting for him to officially ask me out? I said, "Hey. We should hang out again. When are you free?"

And so we did.

But this time, I feel like it's his fucking turn. Not because of "rules", but because I want to feel pursued. So I'm waiting.

Impatiently.


The opening right now is perfect. Our text conversation is in a lull, in the midst of discussing our weekend plans.

ASK ME OUT DAMMIT.

My phone is a pot of water. It ain't never gonna boil.

Yoga Monster

It's time to activate the yoga monster.

Training has begun. I need to be practicing approximately 5 hours a week on top of my 9 hours per week of class to accumulate my 200 hour certification. So the motivation switch needs to flip.

I need to find my inner wild thing.


Yoga Schedule

Friday
C1 12:00
Hot Power Fusion 7:15

Saturday
C1 12:00
Training 2:00

Sunday
Training 2:00
Meditation 5:30
C2 6:00
Restorative 7:15

Monday
C1 12:00

Tuesday
C2 6:00 

Wednesday
Training 8:00

Thursday
C1 12:00

Thursday, June 20, 2013

"A heart that hurts is a heart that works..."

Compliments of the Week

*At my cousin's grad dinner last week my grandpa told me I look like Sandra Bullock. I used to hear that a lot when I was younger but haven't for a few years. I'll take it!


*The nice lady at one of my local lunch haunts told me I've lost "a lot of weight!" Thanks, lady.


*TS told me I'm pretty. *giggle*


Bentley Avenue






Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Hump Day Links

Defatting the Facebook

I got some sort of bug up my butt last night, and started untagging and deleting pictures off of Facebook.

Specifically, fat pictures.

I mean, it's drastic. The change as you're clicking through my photos, and it goes from now, and last year, to the year before, and all of a sudden it looks like my face is hidden, frozen under a layer in dough. My body looks out of proportion, too wide for my height, and it looks in almost every image like I'm caving in on myself, slouching, trying to appear smaller. There's a shame in my eyes. It's sad.

So click click, remove remove.

The impetus for this decision was the exchange of last names with TS, and the thought that he could potentially friend me on the Face. And then my Sekret Shame would be out there for the stalking before I'd get to confess, "Hey dude, used to be fat." I mean, not that that has to be some big reveal or anything. But that's another post.

Look, I don't want to entirely erase my past. Just...erase the parts of it that make me sad. The pictures that are so opposite of the person I see myself as now. Happy, and healthy. Ish.

Maybe I'll regret it, removing those memories from my digital trail, but maybe I won't.

And it's not like I can ever truly whitewash my past, for lack of a better term. Thinwash? It's not like I've wiped the slate clean. I was big for all of college, and I am not getting rid of all the good memories, every picture that shows me at a size I didn't want to be. Just the ones that do nothing to flatter, have no wonderful vivid emotion attached to them, serve no purpose in the FB-sphere other than to remind me that, once, I was sad.

And I'd like not to be.

So, yes, if TS, or any future guy were to stalk me thoroughly on Facebook, there'd be no mistaking my body has changed. But I feel much better about the image of myself that's out there now vs. the one that was there twenty four hours ago, and that's what counts, right?

Training Day

I'm up early, buzzing with excitement.

The day has finally come.

IT'S TRAINING DAY!

I've just been waiting for today. Anxious. Unsettled. You all know me and know my crazy by now, when there's something looming in the distance I have trouble processing the time up until that moment hits. I've been on hold, in limbo, the waiting room of life.

And today, I step through the door into a whole new chapter. Room.

Okay, it's not a perfect metaphor.

From here on out for the next eight weeks, yoga will become my life, and I cannot wait. Wednesdays I'll have training from 8-11 PM, and Saturdays and Sundays from 2-5. On top of that I need to practice at least five hours a week, but I'm going to aim for six. I can get doubles in there, restorative, morning classes.

It's not like I have other commitments.

I want to immerse myself in this program and get every drop of benefit out of it that I can. I want it to be as transformative as I know it can be.

I cannot wait.

Let's do this.


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Date Number Two: Electric Boogaloo

Last night was my second date with the boy who has so many potential nicknames I don't know what to do with myself. Clearly he's a potential good egg, then. For now, we'll go with The Screenwriter.

I don't really want to say much about TS. I feel like I'm going to jinx it. With the way things have been going lately, I feel like I'm Two Date Taylor, doomed to curse things with my over-enthusiasm.

I will say...I had a great time. A great time.

Just the facts:


  • Our date was almost post-poned because he had to work late. The TV show he works on started filming yesterday.
  • We did, however, meet up, and he bought me wine, and we talked quite comfortably for awhile.
  • We have a lot in common, and he's sweet and funny and smart.
  • And I quote: "Kissing you is the most fun I've had in awhile." I don't care if that's a line, I appreciate the effort taken to use a line. Woo me, dammit. 

The Banana Debate, Part Two

You know, people are still debating this banana thing.



To all the banana peelers on both sides of the fight, I say... can't we all just get along? Can't we all just love each other, and our bananas?


Monday, June 17, 2013

"Life is like a ticking clock..."

PEOPLE.

The Goo Goo Dolls have a new album. You have no idea how happy this makes me. They were my first love, the first rock band that struck a chord with me. I remember playing "Dizzy Up The Girl" over and over and over in my little walkman when I was...twelve? Thirteen? Eleven?

So. Excited.

The Whole Update

I've had a few people say to me this week how hard they think it would be to do what it is I'm doing. And yes, I would have agreed with them a few weeks ago, but once I made the commitment to stick to this plan, it truly hasn't been that much of a struggle for me. I haven't been tempted. I haven't caved.

All the greens for me.


Today is Day 15 of my Whole30. I'm halfway through, and it's been...if not easy, at least painless.

Amazing what the lure of a shiny new computer will do.

Oh, and I guess the pull of potential health benefits too...

Sure. 

I'm feeling good. Nothing magical is really happening in my body, I would say, but I've been sleeping very well, walking up early before my alarm feeling well rested and alert. I haven't really been having cravings, though the smell of other people's lunches at work does seem ever so delicious.

But I will eat my fruit, and be happy about it. Mmhmm.


I'm really glad I committed to doing this Whole30 experiment. Not just for my shiny MacBook reward, but for the chance to show myself I can be strong and do something different, eat clean, be well.

Let's see what the next 15 bring. 

Monday, June 17th

Yay.

Yay.

I'll be perfectly honest with you, I've been slightly...irritated is maybe the best word, that I hadn't lost more weight yet. I was sort of expecting that with this dramatic change in my eating I'd get some magic five pound loss. But this was stupid and not to be.

So I'm happy to have lost -1.6 this week, and be the lowest weight I've been since college.

Yay!

Weight: 143.2
Mood: Pretty excellent. Going to Santa Barbara always keeps me uplifted, and overall this week was, for the most part, free of my usual cycles of self-loathing, except for some fears about my yoga training.
Food: Also excellent. Sticking to my Whole30, experimenting with new foods, but I could probably stand to eat more. 
Movement: I made a commitment to try and get some form of movement in every day, and that only lasted about four days. I made it to yoga once, and took some walks. I start my training this week (!!!), so I will definitely, 100% be getting back on track. Yes. YES. YES!

This week, I wanted to...

...move my body every day, and see above.
...keep my living space clear and free of clutter, which I did okay at. My kitchen has been a bit of a disaster zone but my main space is mostly okay.
...be happy, and I was. Mostly.

This week, I would like to...

...wholly recommit myself to my yoga practice.
...make recipes so I have plenty of options for food at home.
...be happy.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Puppy Mall

my mama drove us down to LA to the Century City mall for an early morning showing of "The Great Gatsby", which we both thoroughly enjoyed. We then spent the rest of the day shopping. And shopping, And...shopping.

You know who else was shopping.

Puppies. A lot of puppies.

God, I want a puppy.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE ONE.


Good thing this mall is dog friendly.