Saturday, June 29, 2013

Judges and Sentences

This week's therapy section solidified a problem of mine that you've probably already pinpointed as a reader of this blog, and maybe I've even said it out loud before. But it bears repeating.

I live my life in constant fear of judgment.

It's ingrained in me, like a disease. A poison got into my veins a long time ago, and it's rotting me from the inside out.

When I walk into a room, I actually think everyone there is judging me. Is aware of me, and has an opinion about me, and it's negative. That's how self-centered I am. When I say something that I later regret, I obsess over it for days, months, even years, because I think it mattered to that person as much as it mattered to me. When I get an anonymous blog comment in my inbox, my heart skips a beat before I read it 'cause I'm afraid someone is going to say something judgy about me.

This fear of mine bleeds over into my day to day actions. I avoid things for fear of being judged. I don't go out, I'd rather stay in the safety of my bubble where no one but my bitch of a cat can have an opinion about me and what I do.

I confess, I haven't found my inner yoga monster yet. I know, I know. DON'T JUDGE ME. And that's it, that's what I'm scared of. Now that there are people at the studio who know me, I'm afraid. Afraid I'm not good enough. Like yoga is suddenly this competition and I'm the fat girl who's inevitably going to be picked last for Team Downward Dog.

It's a sickness. I've sentenced myself to solitude, 'cause I think everyone else already has.

This whole thing ties in to my desperate need to be liked, my history of being the new girl in school. It's hard for me to feel comfortable in new situations, to feel like I belong there. I feel like I'm an intruder, an outsider. Always.

Of course, the truth is that no one is focusing on me nearly as much as I'm focusing on myself. And if they are, their opinions of me say far more about them than they do about me, as that saying goes. So what is it that I'm so fearful of? Not being perceived as perfect, not being universally liked? Taking risks? Just...being?

I can't control what other people think. And I'll never know anyway, not really. So hopefully I can find some way to cure this cancer inside me, before it totally eats away at my self-confidence and potential for success.

Because deep down I like who I am. And I should accept that other people can like that person too.

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