In This Skin

The ultimate goal here is to be comfortable in my own skin, a phrase that's been overused so much in self-help and weigh loss literature it's nearly lost its meaning.

What I personally mean by it is that I want to feel at ease saying what I think, doing what I feel, and acting how I want without the mean, critical voice inside me worrying how other people will react, what they're thinking about me, if they're judging me. I want to feel conviction in, well, how I feel, and not always question my own emotions and thoughts because I'm too insecure to be sure of what I really believe. I want to live my life under my own power and not constantly let the opinions of others dictate my actions. I want to stand up for what I believe to be right, even when it's hard. I want to be myself, always, without fear of reprisal.

I want to move and bend and twist without feeling like I'm inhabiting the shell of a stranger. I want to strut down the street with confidence, feeling every muscle and bone working together in perfect harmony. I want to look in the mirror and see my soul shining back at me through my eyes and feel connected to every bit of me, inside and out.

I feel like I may be starting to get there, bit by bit. There are moments where I still feel entirely disconnected, but others where I sink into myself in a way that's unfamiliar and yet like coming home, and I do think I can live happily in this new shape for awhile, and feel comfortable in this skin.

This shrinking skin.