Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Thin Line Between Want and Should

Yesterday's therapy session concluded with me stating the following:

"I feel like with me there's a very fine line between want and should. I say to myself something like, 'I want to go to yoga. I should go.' And the second I think I should, I start putting pressure on myself, I think I have to, and then I don't want to do it anymore. And I don't."

What happens to that want? What happens to that desire? Where does it go?

I want to figure this out.

My mom used to work as a sales rep back when I was a child, and she told me she once took a seminar where the speaker spent a long time telling them they should get rid of "should" (heh). "Should" is a guilt inducing word, a word full of pressure. "Should" is pointless. Who is telling you that you "should"?



And I am a pressure cooker.

I want things. I want lots of things. I am a hot mess of want and need and desire. But the second I feel like my want is a requirement, something I have to do to please some unidentifiable someone or something, I no longer want to do it. Because I don't like being told what to do.

I'm sure I'll return to this topic in my next session, and hopefully get to the root of this. But what I've settled on for now is that I really need to banish the "should" from my vocabulary.

Of course, the how of this is the tricky part.

Any suggestions?

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