The Punisher

Sometimes you just need your best friend to say exactly what you've been dancing around for months, in the clearest way, for you to really get it. 

"You punish yourself a lot, then when you fight back you wonder why."

Well.

WELL.

Isn't that just about the purest nugget of truth you've read on this blog in a long, long time?

I've thought variations on that same thing before, as I've been exploring my resistance to goals and challenges, thinking about how I try to force change on myself, why I struggle with the "shoulds" and the "musts" of life. But she just phrased it so succinctly and perfectly.

When I'm coming up with weekly goals or plans for self-improvement or lists of ways I want to be different, they're punishments. They don't come from a positive place. They're penalties for perceived misdeeds, for not being good enough. So of course I rebel against myself, against the negativity, it's what I do!

I've been much happier this week, without a pile of external to-dos weighing me down, without a ticking clock counting down to failure. 

That should tell me something.