Shallow Suck

I debated whether or not to write this post, and then I decided that not writing it was dishonest, and trying to present myself a certain way to you guys, my darling readers, which is just lame. 'Cause what's the point of this blog if not to be, for the most part, as open as possible?

This weekend as I was lounging around in the sunshine, I took to my phone and checked on the status of my OkCupid inbox. Thus far, it has not actually been providing me with the kind of entertainment I was hoping. Aside from the one, no post-worthy messages. No sexually explicit offers. No waxing poetic on my beauty. Just the standard, sub-par flirtations and the occasionally half-way interesting introduction. Tons of emails, but no one I'm yet moved to meet.

I'm being picky this time around.

Anyway, I got one message that was pretty good. It seemed like he had a personality, and took the time to read my profile, and didn't cross any major boundaries. And then I took a look at his pictures.

I don't really have a "type", physically. I'm attracted from everything to a slight hipster beanpole to a burly big lumberjack. And I like to think that I'm not entirely superficial, although of course attractiveness to me is crucial. But this guy was...big. Not just overweight, but significantly so. And I instantly thought, "Oh, no."

Of course, I then felt awful about it.

Who am I to completely write someone off for their size? What kind of person am I to work this hard on self-acceptance and body lovin' and all that jazz, but not apply it to the people I'm attracted to? I SUCK. I do. That's terrible.

But then I took a moment to examine my reasons for my instinctive "no". Was it purely a physical attractiveness thing? Not entirely, though that was part of it and I can't deny it.

I thought about the fact that health and wellness is such a big part of my life now, and I talk about it a lot. I wouldn't want to put that obsession onto someone else, and make them feel pressure or shame for where they are in their own bodies. And too, I'm working to continuously move forward, not back, and while assuming someone has less than healthy habits because of a few pictures is presumptuous, it's not out of the realm of possibility.

I don't know. I'm probably awful and judgy. And it's not to say I'm not attracted to or willing to date people who are overweight at all, I am---but there's such a scale, and this guy was on the further end of it away from where I want my life to be. That's not to say I may not meet someone at that end that I could want to be with someday, but if I'm choosing from the online catalogue, I can be picky.

I mean, I'm not going for Brad Pitt circa Thelma and Louise, but yeah.

Anyway.

Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry I suck.