Thursday, May 16, 2013

Mama's Little Princess Bride

Last night in therapy, I cried a lot.

I don't always cry, despite the fact that I've taken to referring to it as my "cry hour". But I've struggled the past few days, and while I've been pretty gentle with myself, haven't been too vicious in my head, and haven't fully thrown myself off the cliffs of insanity, it's been hard.

Five minutes in, we kind of figured something out.

I miss my mommy.

It's so silly, I know. But it's also not. As I mentioned, my parents are on a cruise in Italia, so I've lost my daily chats with my mom. And that's basically my only constant comfort and contact with the world outside my head. Sure, I have friends I chat with online, my Biff to text, and people I talk to at work, but of course that's not the same as an actual conversation about your day and your feelings with someone who cares about you.

Yeah, I'm twentyfuckingfive and I really need my mommy.


(And my daddy.)

I knew on Sunday that my little binge was fueled partially by loneliness, but I pushed away that realization the last couple of days. Together with my therapist we realized that could very well be a big component of my struggles this week. It's not so much that I just MISS MY MAMA, it's that I need that connection, that structure. I call her every morning when I drive to work and every evening on my way home, and usually speak to her at least one other time throughout the day, and I've been doing this for...years. Since I left home.

I even realized that maybe I sometimes subconsciously call her as a substitute for doing self-sabotaging things. Like Tuesday, I planned on lunch yoga, and instead around the time I would have left and got in the car to call her, I instead decided to eat chips and be a lazy cow. I can't guarantee there's a direct link but it's something to think about.

My therapist said maybe the reason I struggle so much with self-regulation is that I'm so used to having a primary relationship, my mother, as a steadying force. Without that this week, I have no one to call when I'm struggling. Obviously I need to work on my relationship with myself, but it's not necessarily a bad thing to rely on the support of a primary person in your life. It's just not always going to be my mama.

God, I'm going to be a gem of a bride, right?

1 comment:

  1. Aw, its ok to rely on your mom for that. Really. I used to talk to my mom all the way to work and all the way home every day. Before that, we drove together, so, still conversation. We only stopped our twice daily chats when my work schedule changed. Now I leave for work earlier than she does and get off earlier. But we still talk a few times a week and email a lot. So anyway, I get it. ((hugs)) she'll be back soon!