I don't always cry, despite the fact that I've taken to referring to it as my "cry hour". But I've struggled the past few days, and while I've been pretty gentle with myself, haven't been too vicious in my head, and haven't fully thrown myself off the cliffs of insanity, it's been hard.
Five minutes in, we kind of figured something out.
I miss my mommy.
It's so silly, I know. But it's also not. As I mentioned, my parents are on a cruise in Italia, so I've lost my daily chats with my mom. And that's basically my only constant comfort and contact with the world outside my head. Sure, I have friends I chat with online, my Biff to text, and people I talk to at work, but of course that's not the same as an actual conversation about your day and your feelings with someone who cares about you.
Yeah, I'm twentyfuckingfive and I really need my mommy.
Stupid Italy, TAKING HER AWAY FROM ME.
(And my daddy.)
I even realized that maybe I sometimes subconsciously call her as a substitute for doing self-sabotaging things. Like Tuesday, I planned on lunch yoga, and instead around the time I would have left and got in the car to call her, I instead decided to eat chips and be a lazy cow. I can't guarantee there's a direct link but it's something to think about.
My therapist said maybe the reason I struggle so much with self-regulation is that I'm so used to having a primary relationship, my mother, as a steadying force. Without that this week, I have no one to call when I'm struggling. Obviously I need to work on my relationship with myself, but it's not necessarily a bad thing to rely on the support of a primary person in your life. It's just not always going to be my mama.
God, I'm going to be a gem of a bride, right?