Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Perfectly Awful Message

The second message to grace my inbox was a perfect case study in online dating What Not To Do.

Let's assess, shall we?

Jenna's gonna help.

It starts off well enough.
"Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but why is someone like you (someone who sounds like a great woman) looking for guys in the internet? The only reason I came out with is that you either work a lot, like 50 hours a week, or you have the worse luck in the world and only meet boring guys or guys who are only looking for sex." 
Not too bad, right? Nice, complimentary. The problem here is that it's generic. I would bet you five WHOLE dollars that this guy copy and pastes the same email to every potential, as there is not a bit of identifying information to show that he's actually read my profile. All he has to do is scan it, find a few key facts, drop them into a second sentence about why I sound so great, and bam. We have the makings of a winner here. 'Cause here's the thing: If you act like you're interested in us as a person, we're more likely to respond.

But then here comes the kicker:

"Speaking of bad luck, I hope mine doesn't kick it and you turn out to be a 500 lbs woman or worse, a man in disguise." 

Ah, yes.

There we have it.

Because all people on the Internet are TOTALLY FAT, right? And, also, liars. And fat people are gross. HAHA. Good joke. So of the moment. So topical. 'Cause we're Internet dating, and that's what FREAKS AND FATTIES DO.

In case I have to spell it out:

1) Please no fat jokes.

2) Don't insult the girl by insinuating she's not who her pictures show her to be.

3) Don't even remotely imply she might look like a dude in drag.


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