I know that I'm afraid. If I wasn't, I wouldn't self-sabotage. There is a clear cause and effect correlation between when I get close to something, a change, a transformation, and when I trip myself up. Intentionally, subconsciously. And this is the same spot I tripped myself up last year---granted, there was also an external disappointment (Gingerness) but still.
So what is it? What is it that I find so damn scary?
Am I back to the fantasy of being thin? Is it the idea that once I cross this threshold and I become this physical alter ego of myself, nothing will really change and I'm terrified to find that out?
Is it that I fear failure, and I'm afraid if I really put my all into it and really push for metaphorical finish line, I'll never get there and I'll be completely crushed?
Could it be that I really am just PMSing?
Or that maybe I have some deep underlying psychological issue I have yet to uncover and that's why I keep fucking eating?
Is it just that sometimes I get lazy and that's okay and I'm putting way too much thought into this?
Regardless, whatever it is, it's me. Nobody else, nothing else. There are no external factors, I am not busy, I am not sick, it is not my damn lady parts, or at least not exclusively. It's me.
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