Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Shine In The Storm

You know what's funny?

The last nine months have been full of so much angst and stress and struggle and pain, you would think I'd wish them away if I could. Reading back over my blog, a truly torturous task I can only assume, you would guess that I regret every binge and setback and backtrack, but as I discussed with my therapist tonight, I don't think I do.

Actually, I know I don't.

Today, I peeked at my scale (that's a lie. I didn't peek, I just weigh myself every day) and I was 143.8, which happens to be the exact weight I tracked last August 3rd, the lowest weight I saw last year and the lowest weight I've seen since I was a teenager.

(Granted, this is probably because I've chosen under-eating over binging as a way to deal with Tree's illness, but this is either here nor there.)

It took me nine months to get back here, but you know what? I learned a lot in those nine months. I wouldn't give up that knowledge for anything. And too, if I had lost all my weight in one go and reached some ideal number on the scale in the space of a year or so, I know I never would have maintained it, because I never would have seen it for what it really was, as I never would have seen myself for what I really am.

I may have been able to get "skinny", but I wouldn't have gotten happy, and I can almost guarantee you I would have gained most if not all of the weight back before I would have righted myself.

If I ever could have.

See, living this past nine months as I have, working towards mental health while inhabiting a body I could feel (mostly) comfortable in, I've been able to work towards clarity. Mindfulness. Perspective. Appreciation. All these things that will make me stronger and more balanced as I continue losing weight and becoming the person I want to be. I've taken the time to face my demons and battle them back. I've paused, and breathed, and looked inward.

Yes, it's been hard. I've cried and bitched and moaned and torn myself up, wishing I was further along on this journey. But this time has given me the chance to grow, and accept, and change. I'm better for the things I've gone through over the last year or so. Without this time I don't think I'd ever be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, because the habits wouldn't be coming from within. As I quoted Baron Baptiste last week, I needed to shift my inner viewpoint, not just my habits, in order for anything to stick.

My world has transformed, and I like it much better this way. I like myself much better this way. And if it had to take an extra nine months for me to get here, then so be it. 

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