Thursday, May 9, 2013

Nice To Meet You

Another topic I discussed with my therapist last night was the fact that, as I continue to shrink, I'm going to have to deal with the fact that my traitorous brain is probably going to come up with new and exciting complaints about my body.

Part of me hoped I could/would be one of those magical unicorns that loves everything about their new self as they lose weight, but alas, that is apparently not to be. I've caught my mind more than once over the last week or so judging something I see in my shape, and there's something different every day. It's because I'm now at a weight I haven't spent significant time at in over five years, and I'm crossing the threshold where things really do start to change. Every pound actually matters.

Like, there was suddenly this dip in my hip yesterday where I haven't ever seen one before, and I was like, "What the fuck, hip, are you always gonna have a dip now?"

Stupid shit like that.

But what we decided is good that at least I'm catching my mean voice getting all judgmental, and I'm telling it to stop. I don't want to be perpetually self-critical, no matter what my size. I'm not just indulging it and accepting it as normal.

You know, though, it's also okay that I'm confused and curious and cautious about my new body. 'Cause, you know, it's new. I'll need some time to adjust and re-relate, just like I've had to in the past. As long as I'm still working towards positivity, and my ultimate goal is peace, it doesn't matter what else happens along my path. Body acceptance is a process, and as I continue working on loving myself for who I am and seeing myself clearly inside and out, I'll ultimately silence that mean mean voice.

I definitely had this in my room when I
was like, eleven.

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