S-S-Sabotage

Confession:

My eating has been eh the last few days.

And I haven't gone to yoga.

I could blame PMS, and I'm sure that's a factor, but really it's just an excuse. If I really truly wanted to stay strong, my hormones wouldn't knock me down. Clearly I wanted to engage in a little self-sabotage again this week, otherwise I wouldn't have.

One week on, on week off.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Achieve success, fuck it up.

Harrumph.

I haven't been that bad. It's just so frustrating when I feel like I lose control, find myself eating things that don't even taste good, things I know won't nourish me or make me feel healthy or vibrant. I chew and crunch and digest and I don't like it, I don't want it, but I do it anyway like I'm on some sort of autopilot.

It distresses me.

At some point I just give up, give in, give out. At some point I just let go. I don't know how to stop that cycle except brute force, which as we've learned with me, is pretty ineffective. I can't just yell at myself, "STOP, NO!", because as I do, I'm walking to the kitchen and I find myself with a cookie in hand.

Mmm. Cookie.

Sunday night, I ate all my weekly points. I spent the whole day alone, doing nothing, bailed on yoga, only left the house once. My favorite kind of day. But, by five or six, I started to feel unsettled, and lonely, and unfulfilled. And I knew what was happening, and I identified the feelings, and I knew the sudden onset of hunger I felt was not true hunger but just the need to fill some hole inside me.

But then I filled it anyway.

So, hey, I guess identifying what I was doing is half the battle, right? Even if I still did it? Being conscious of my negative habits is better than being a completely slave to them, at least.

And then, of course, I wake up Monday, and I feel a bit defeated, and then it just gets so hard. And I gave in.

So, what did I learn, then? Maybe I'm no longer fulfilled by days spent doing nothing? Maybe a day alone, with no human contact, will allow an emptiness to grow inside me?

Food for thought.

But not real food though. Please.