Let's Talk Fat Talk

This article from the New York Times blog struck a chord with me this week, and since my posting has been so lackluster lately, I thought I should share my thoughts with y'all.

I know, you're just desperate to hear my thoughts.

Called "‘Fat Talk’ Compels but Carries a Cost", the post discussed the type of body-shaming, self-hating, flaw-focusing talk that most women engage in. 93%, according to the article. Obviously it goes without saying that while this kind of talk bonds friends together and gives them common ground, it's incredibly damaging and detrimental to their individual psyches.

But what came to mind as I read the article is that, amongst my group of closest friends, I don't engage in that kind of talk. I haven't been faced with it in my friendships day in and day out for the past several years, and for that I'm lucky. I guess that's why the Biff and the Buff and the lady from Spain, etc, are my gal pals. Because they aren't the sorts of people who would engage in fat talk.

But sure, I do have friends with whom this stuff does tend to happen, specifically with people who are also trying to lose weight. Unfortunately, it's just society. We can't help ourselves. But as far as my core group of besties...nope.

I do notice that, when I do engage in the "God I'm so fat 'cause I ate this, my stomach is so huge, I feel disgusting", it certainly does make me feel worse, make me feel down. At first it feels great to tear myself to pieces and focus on my flaws, beat myself up and give in to every urge to self-loathe. It's always nice to reaffirm your worst thoughts about yourself, you know? But then it wears on you, and every insult hurts a little more, and when your friends start to engage in it too, you think they're talking about you, and it's a vicious cycle.

So I'm really going to try to cut it out. Cut the fat talk out with my Weight Watchers friends, and with myself. Cut it OUT of my life. Only voice the good thoughts out loud into the world. Say nice things about myself. Tell myself I'm pretty and special.

If you put out positivity, you'll get it back, right?

RIGHT. 

Date Night

I had my second date last night with Le Garcon.

That's not his nickname. But I do think he needs one. I mean, after last night, I kind of assume I'm going to see him again. I'd honestly be surprised if I didn't. Things went well.

Let's backtrack.

Look how cute I looked!

And...that's the only picture I have. I would have thought to take some of the super nifty bar we went to while he was in the bathroom, but...I didn't. 'Cause I was having fun, and not really thinking about my phone SORRY GUYS.

To evaluate the date, I decided on a carefully structured system of points, crafted after careful deliberation and much research into the pluses and minuses of male/female interaction...nah.

I just made shit up.

• He picked me up, on time. +5
• He's the kind of gentleman who will speed up so he gets to the door before you to open it. +8
• He worked on one of my favorite TV shows. +6
• He has a very slight case of nerd voice. Really more of dork voice. -4
• He tolerated me showing him pictures of my cat in a bowtie. +3
• He let me buy two rounds to his one. -4
• He laughed at my jokes. +5
• He made me laugh. +5
• He has passion, goals, drive and direction. +10
• He loves to cook. +5
• He forgave me not having seen his three favorite shows/movies of all time. +5
• He asked if I was ready to leave the bar way too early. -8
• But quickly said yes when I invited him up to my place. +2 (I mean, duh.)
• And he's a very good kisser. +10
• He appreciates ass. +4
• And the rules I set forth. +5
• Though he did push the boundaries, as boys do. -4
• But not too much. +3
• He left at a reasonable hour. +5
• But he had trouble tearing himself away. +10
• Overall, he is good at fluffing my ego. +6
• And he's pretty darn cute. +10

Final score: 87

A respectable score.

I do sincerely hope there is a third date.

Taylor like.

Winnie the June

Thank GOD tomorrow's June.

You know me, I'm just such a psycho that I absolutely track my moods and motivations with the waxing and waning of the moon, the turning of a fresh calendar page. I've been simply aching for the start of a new month, the fresh newness of a "Day 1" on the calendar.

I am such a dork.

I love being able to wipe away my misdeeds and claim, "Oh, well that was last month. This month will be different, absolutely." I love being able to just...let it all go mentally, and pretend it all didn't happen. Even though, you know...it did.

So today's the last of it. The last of the dark, the dreary, the dank and depressing.

No more of this.

It's time to turn it around.

Pooh Bear knows what's up.

Happy Birthday B!

Today is the 14th birthday of my dear, dear, Mr. Tree!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENTLEY!

Let's take a look back at the changes over the last near decade and a half...

HE WAS SO BITTY!

Of course, he got dressed up for the occasion. 

Isn't he handsome?!

And of course, a story for you. Because no Bentley post is completely without a story of his outright bitchiness.

I got home from work yesterday and was going to quickly change into comfy clothes before my therapy appointment. I walked into my hallway to find my jeans, well...decorated with cat puke. The jeans I was going to wear on my date tonight. The date that takes me away from Bentley on his birthday.

Clearly, he has an opinions about this.

I'm sorry, Tree! I'm such a bad mother.

I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE BIRTHDAY SNUGGLES WHEN I GET HOME!

You handsome devil.

Why I Haven't Been Writing

I have not been able to figure out what my god damn damage is.

Why can't I write?

I haven't had this much trouble writing in awhile. But lately, it's been like pulling teeth. My average of five posts a day has dwindled down drastically, and despite the raw nerves sizzling all over my body and brain, I can't make enough sense of their roots to get much of anything down on paper. Screen.

And today I realized.

I write when I'm passionate, and lately, I've felt...flat. Despite being off the rails, as I like to call it, despite being in pain. Despite my brain being out in the stars, despite my actions being not my own.

Despite it all. I've been flat. On auto-pilot. Without connection.

I need to get my passion back.

My Solution

I've been slipping.

I have slipped.

I've found myself rediscovering old habits, old pains, old familiar secret shames.

I don't know why, I don't know what's changed. I want to change it back so badly. My mom has returned, my support system is in place. So what is it? WHAT IS IT?

Laziness?
Complacency?
Frustration?
Boredom?
Hunger?
Psychosis?

Of course, the thing is, this is natural. This is normal. I can't expect to just make some grand turnaround in the space of a few months, and never again meet the darkness that I've become so friendly with over the course of the last few years. Did I really think the addition of a few happy pills into my daily regimen and some therapy would make me an entirely different person? Did I think I was all better?

Ludicrous.

Healing is process. Health is ongoing. Change is gradual.

Deep breaths.

I can do this.

"We only get one shot at this..."

Wily Woman

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk, calm as can be, ever so content with how both my dates went on Monday. Usually I'm anxious as can be about when/if I'll hear from guys I meet and like, but that wasn't the case yesterday (much). I was zen.

Then, lo and behold, as I ate my macaroni and cheese frozen meal, I heard from Dude #2 early in the afternoon, less than 24 hours after our date. The gist was, hey, I had fun, want to go out again?

And I went like this.

Courtesy of a reader.

That has never happened to me, in the history of time. They always wait three days. Or at least two. Always. I've never had a guy so interested in me, or hell, so confident he eschews the usual dating games, that he asked me out again right away.

I must have made a good impression.

My feminine wiles, they are wily. 

We're seeing each other Thursday.

Ho Fo Sho

I'm here to bring you a little snippet of hilarity from yesterday's double date day.

My first date was at 3, my second at 7, giving me plenty of time to change locales. The earlier date was meant to be at a coffee shop in Culver City, but due to Memorial Day it ended up being closed. We decided to forget the whole "coffee" thing and just go straight to a bar, and I recommended one across the street from the place I was meeting Date #2 later that evening.

Because I'm nothing if not practical.

So, we have some drinks at 3 in the afternoon, chat, laugh, all is well. We part around 6 or so, giving me time to touch up my makeup, sober up, remove my car from the lot and make a loop so I don't have to pay for parking for a gazillion hours, and head across the street to the second bar.

Which was also closed for the holiday.

So where did I and Dude #2 end up going?

The same bar I had just left.

One day. One bar. Two dates. One bartender.

He came up to us and looked at me and I was like "Uh, hi again!"

I told my date I'd just been there with a friend.

I'm a ho.

Summer Style by Polyvore

As the weather gets warmer (I mean, other places, it's always warm in LA) and the hemlines get shorter (not possible, they're already up the asscracks of every girl in this city), I think it's time to bust out my summer style.

As you saw yesterday, I wore shorts on my dates. Can you believe it? I certainly couldn't. I felt a little insecure, but what the hell. They looked cute with my sandals.

And it was hot.

And it's SUMMER!

I've long known Polyvore is a place where I could waste countless hours, but until now I've resisted the pull. I don't really need yet another website to eat up all my time.

But apparently, I do.

And so I present to you a few fun summer outfits I came up with to inspire my transition into warmer style.

Sunny Summer by freakoutincolor featuring peacock jewelry

Mango shirt
$14 - houseoffraser.co.uk

Jacket
$68 - lindex.com

Ted Baker long pleated skirt
tedbaker-london.com

Sam Edelman ankle tie sandals
lordandtaylor.com

Évocateur peacock jewelry
ahalife.com

GUESS wide brim hat
guess.com

Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses
sunglasshut.com

Floral Fantasy by freakoutincolor featuring aviator sunglasses

Limedrop sleeveless top
$150 - thegrandsocial.com.au

Le Temps Des Cerises cotton shorts
$68 - zalando.co.uk

Toms flat
bergdorfgoodman.com

Betsey Johnson heart jewelry
lordandtaylor.com

Stainless steel jewelry
naturesjewelry.com

Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses
sunglassesshop.com

Beautiful Blue by freakoutincolor featuring floral jeans

Rag bone
intermixonline.com

Miss Selfridge floral jeans
missselfridge.com

Pull&Bear leather sandals
$60 - pullandbear.com

Crystal jewelry
artisandesigngallery.com

Céline sunglasses
lindelepalais.com

Double Date Day

I had two dates today.

You heard me right. DATES. TWO.

I couldn't have my OkCupid profile up without being tempted to reply to eligible guys, and it's not like you can message back and forth indefinitely. And while I'm being picky about who I meet, a couple of the guys did seem interesting enough, at least for a first date. Nice seeming boys, with jobs. But unless there's was tons of chemistry in person, I'm wasn't sure either would turn into anything more than a bit of fun---one lives far, and one's an actor.

I was looking at those as, you know...intro dates. Tester dates. Like interviews for jobs that are good jobs but you aren't totally sure you want them, but you'll give it your all and see if maybe it's a good fit. But your hopes aren't sky high.

I figured this was good to start off with. 'Cause of course, I was fucking nervous, and I'd be even worse if I was meeting one of the other guys I'm messaging with, who I'm super excited about.

But then.

Guy #1 was very nice, very cute, we had good conversation, witty repartee. He didn't buy my drinks, and there wasn't any sparky chemistry. But I would go on a second date.

Guy #2 was very nice, very cute, we had good conversation, witty repartee. He did buy my drinks, and there was sparky chemistry. I absolutely would go on a second date.

I would declare my return to the dating world a SUCCESS.

Oh. and this was my outfit.

So, who knows where this may lead? But I'm happy with how today went, and proud of myself for climbing back on the proverbial horse.

Or man.

Not that I climbed on a man.

Nope.

Things I've Eaten This Week

• Cheetos
• Pad See Ew with Chicken
• Crab Rangoon
• Chocolates
• Sushi x a billion
• Quesadillas x a billion
• Breakfast burrito
• Pizza
• Cookies
• Cheesy bread

Maybe I should stop.

What Is Loneliness?

Second Saturday

I love three day weekends.

I didn't even realize this one was coming up until this past week started. It was a revelation. Like Christmas.

And so today is my second Saturday of the weekend.

I have been enjoying it so far. Doing nothing.

I should be cleaning, or yoga-ing, and I will probably take care of the former, but not the latter. Yoga tomorrow, mmhmm. Today, I lounge, and I'll scrub, and laze, and put away last weekend's clean laundry, and maybe nap, and do some dishes. That's priority one. You know the situation is dire when you eat take-out with a salad fork 'cause all your dinner forks are dirty...

And my reward for all the cleaning?

WATCH ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

Fleetwood Fabulous

I've been trying to start this post forever, and I just can't figure out how.

So this is what I came up with.

#Q($*&#*($&(#*&$)#(*$)#(*$)(#*$)(*#)(*)*

FLEETWOOD MAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!!!

It was so good.

SO GOOD.

We had so much fun. The show was truly amazing, you'd think after so many decades they'd either a) have lost their touch or b) have their performance so tight and slick it's unbelievable, and it's the latter. Truly an incredible concert.

Before the show, my parents and I met up and had a glass (or two) of wine at the hotel we were crashing at for the night, so we didn't have to worry about driving after the show. Then we walked up to Yamashiro, a fantastic fancy sushi restaurant overlooking all of Hollywood. It was a bit of a climb, but SO worth it for the views, and the absolutely amazing food. 

I, of course, ordered their crunchy rice with spicy tuna which was sublime, and a salmon sashimi with pistachios that was literally one of the most amazing things I have ever had in my mouth. Ever. Our meal was finished off with "dessert sushi", which was so fun to try even if it wasn't totally delicious. And a cocktail, of course.

Then we walked over to the Hollywood Bowl for the show! There was no opener, and Fleetwood Mac played for a looong time. They were SO FUCKING INCREDIBLE. Seriously, I was blown away. And I would totally do Lindsay Buckingham. And I want to be cool like Stevie Nicks when I grow up and wear pretty gold shawls and hats and shit. And I wonder how his wife feels about them playing up their reunion thing. 

Overall, I HAD SO MUCH FUN. 

Thanks, parents!