Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Speeding Towards...Something

I got a speeding ticket a few years ago going 68 in a 65. Cost me $304. Fuck the CHP.

Okay, granted, before I came up behind the patrol car, I'd been doing maybe 75. But he did not clock me at 75, now did he?

Anyway, my point: I didn't speed (much) for awhile after that, for fear of another ticket and the inability to do online traffic school. But now that my probationary period is up, I am back to zipping along the 101 towards Santa Barbara with my Marilyn at reasonable if slightly excessive speeds, trying to beat my fastest time door to door.

I'm like this with walking, too. I am a damn speedy walker. Even when there's really no rush, I'd rather just get to where I'm going and sit there, instead of taking longer to arrive. Even if when I arrive, I'm slightly out of breath and glowing. (A lady doesn't sweat.) I just want to get there, because I am not about the journey, I am about the destination.

And this is my life philosophy. I am constantly mentally rushing, rushing, pushing through things, wondering why I'm not further along than I already am, looking forward to the future and what it'll be like when I get there. Yet, in actuality, I don't rush, because I'm afraid of what lies at the end. Afraid that once I get there, it won't be everything I thought it would be.

It's hard to stop my brain from playing these games. When I find myself with nothing to do, and my thoughts start to wander, I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't fucked up this time or that, if I had reached my goal weight and was living a different life now, if I'd already found my life's purpose, a job that fulfills me, if I had reached my self-decided finish line a long time ago, a husband or a house or a billboard with my face painted on it. Who would I be? Would I be all-consumingly happy?

It's like I keep waiting for my life to start, and losing weight is the one way that I'll get there. We all know this is bullshit. There is no fantasy of being thin. But I've been living the past few years in this mode where I have trouble just enjoying the moment, where everything I'm doing is just something to get through on the way to the next thing. Even the things that are enjoyable, I have a hard time enjoying, because I'm mentally looking forward to what lies ahead, what happens when it's all over.

I have such a hard time being present.

It's not the way to live.

I know that know, and moving past this type of self-sabotage is one of my greatest challenges. Trying to be present in my life, taking it one day at a time, one cliche at a time, all that hippie yogini nonsense I've been spouting for weeks. I don't want to be this person, speeding through life, rushing towards some intangible something. When I take the time to slow down, to breathe through my day and appreciate the little moments, I'm amazed by how much easier things seem to be. How much more enjoyable. But my default mode of rushrushrush is such an ingrained habit at this point, it's hard to fight it.

Being happy and present in the moment is what yoga teaches you, and that is my intention for every practice now. Shutting your mind off is one of the core principles of yoga, but honestly that's one of the hardest things for me, and something I need to commit to focusing on both on my mat, and in my life. Staying present in every moment, happy in what I'm doing, where I am, not constantly looking forward to whatever comes up next.

That's the way I want to live, and that's what I've been chasing for months. Positivity, happiness, presence.

And maybe I should stop speeding in my car. 

1 comment:

  1. I love this!!! I can relate! Completely!
    You are doing a great job, already!