Today is officially one month since my last binge.
Can I just say? Feeling awesome.
It's a combination of factors that have gotten me to this point. The point where I'm sitting here, on the last day of my Weight Watchers week, with plenty of points available so I could, in theory, binge if I wanted to. If I had that urge somewhere inside me.
But I don't. Not really.
And that is fucking fabulous.
In attempts to work through my pile of issues (cancel my subscription, pleeeeease), I've been doing an awful lot of navel-gazing recently. My navel is fascinating and deep, clearly. A veritable ocean of information. And some lint.
Of course, most of my musings center around my disordered eating problems. All the crap swirling around in my brain tends to manifest itself that way. And just because I'm doing well now doesn't mean I won't fall victim to the same insecurities and hangups and tumble off track all over again. It's happened before. I was so damn cocky almost a year ago, and look what that turned into. There is no guarantee that in a few months, a few years, a decade from now, I won't trip up, gain weight back, find myself so unhappy again. So I'm trying really hard to analyze all the whys and hows and whats of my issues, so I can just...fix myself.
There are a number of posts coming up in the next week or so that dig deep into my psyche I know, you're like, "SERIOUSLY TAYLOR, HAVEN'T WE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR CRAZY?"
No, you have not.
But for now, on this my Bingiversary, I have lists for you.
I LOVE LISTS.
Top Three Tangible Things That Have Help Me Not To Binge
1) I was just fucking sick of it. I had eaten everything under the goddamn sun. There was nothing left. And besides, once you've spent $25 on gourmet cupcakes and puked them up involuntarily while sobbing, you kind of lose the desire to eat everything.
2) Hi, medication. Pretty little pills. Placebo effect or no, they're obviously working.
3) Getting back to yoga. Burning calories, earning APs, and having the freedom and ability to eat something extra if I want to, has transformed the meaning behind that action from "binging" to "treating", and that mentality makes all the difference.
Three Therapeutic Realizations That Help Me Not To Binge
1) The bad feelings I am trying to suppress by eating never really go away. They actually get worse. The good feelings I get from eating last a hell of a lot less time than the good feelings I get by resisting eating.
2) I am incredibly, incredibly hard on myself, and I use food as a weapon against my own body and mind. When I feel bad, I figure I might as well feel as bad as possible, and I torture myself. It's fucked up. (More on this later.)
3) I am afraid of success, because what happens if I succeed and things aren't everything I hoped they'd be? Then what do I do? Who do I blame? (More on this later too.)
Three Delicious Things I Eat Regularly Instead of McDonald's
2) Lean Cuisines (yes, some of them are delicious, okay?).
3) Salads with a shitload of cheese.
Three Times I Have Wanted To Binge But Didn't (Cause let's be honest here, it hasn't been totally smooth sailing)
1) When my friend really hurt my feelings last week and all I wanted was to suppress the self-loathing she ignited in me with something sweet. But I didn't.
2) When I just randomly felt super lonely one night, and Bentley refused to cuddle me, and my mom was too busy to talk to me on the phone, and I had the points and could have had ALL THE FRENCH FRIES if I wanted to go to the drive thru. But I didn't.
3) When I planned in advance for a delicious breakfast burrito treat, and after the first bite I was like OMGIWANTFOUROFTHESE and honestly considered ordering another one. But halfway through the burrito I realized, no, I would be perfectly content with one, thanks.
Three Things I Have Realized About Myself
1) I'm a lot stronger than I think.
2) I can be happy with what I have.
3) I only get one life, so why am I wasting it by hating myself?