Thursday, February 28, 2013

Lazy Daisy

I am in bed. It's only, oh, 8:30 or so.

I have been here since, well...dinnertime.

I had plans tonight! I did! I was going to go to a sold out show at the Troubadour in WeHo, and see Royal Teeth again...even though I was feeling pretty sleepy after my morning yoga. I had my hair lookin' all cute, wearing my leather leggings and boots, eye shadow and mascara in my purse cause I was going to try. Then lo and behold, my poor coworker wasn't feeling well, and had to cancel.

Sometimes things work out, and you end up back home in bed where you always prefer to be, 'cause you don't have to wear pants, and you don't have to try, since you aren't 25 yet.

My Day of Productivity

Whenever my post count drops below four on a weekday, you can assume that I was actually, you know...working at my job.

I know, hard to believe right? But yes, it's true. Today I was pretty much productive from the moment I got into the office until, well, now. Suddenly it's five o'clock. WHERE DID THE DAY GO?

It makes me wish I was busy all the time.

But then...when would I blog?!

Timeline of my day:

Got to work at 9:00 AM.
Did my usual kitchen nonsense like a good little maid.
Ate my breakfast and posted pretty pictures.
Moved all the 2012 files from the back filing cabinet to the supply room filing cabinets.
Harassed my coworkers for the third or fourth time via email to send me info from their parking cards.
Ate a salad.
Got my hairs did.

Sent out 20 FedEx checks and a gazillion (actual number) mail checks.
Made 90 new files for 2013 and put them in the back filing cabinet.
Took all the snowflake decals off the walls from our holiday decorations that I willfully left through the end of February 'cause they were pretty and it's still winter.

SEE? SO FREAKING PRODUCTIVE.

Now I'm going to do nothing for the rest of the day, because that's allowed.

Jungle Green

Yoga Gush And 10KCAL Challenge Check In #2

I. Am. Soaring.

I had an awesome practice this morning. Not the highest calorie burn ever, not the hottest or hardest class ever, but it was just...beautiful. I didn't have the best balance, I didn't nail all my poses, but I just felt...centered. Free. Connected to my body. I barely took any resting time, I hardly looked at my watch, and I am in glorious mood.

I even tried camel today! Camel is one of my most feared poses...I get anxiety attacks when I try it. I don't like the way it feels on my throat. But today, I gave it a go.

And my toppling tree was amazing.

Got my yummy sweaty yoga glow. Alas, now I must shower it off and go to work.

Boo.

Previous Total: 3,179

2/21 450 calories Hot Yoga Level 2
2/22 489 calories Hot Yoga Level 2
2/23 334 calories Walk with puppies
2/24 725 calories Beach walk with puppies
2/26 471 calories Hot Yoga Level 2
2/28 440 calories Hot Power Fusion

Current Total: 6,088
Calories Remaining: 3,912
Days Remaining: 14

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Deprivation Day Fifteen: Dark Desires and Dreams

It has been two solid weeks without my crack cocaine Diet Coke.

Look at these beautiful cans designed by Marc Jacobs. Cans I DON'T GET TO HAVE.

via Tumblr

Some days I just miss it with my whole soul. Like today. I had a piece of pizza for lunch, and you know what goes remarkably well with pizza? Yeah, Diet Coke.

My dark desires, deep inside me, singing a mournful tune...DIET COOOOOOKE.

But honestly, days have gone by where I haven't thought about it. Where I haven't craved it. I sort of regret those days. I feel as if I've forgotten an old friend, a lover. I feel such guilt. Even though I have my hands on cans of it every day, refilling the work fridge as other, luckier souls get to chug down the glorious liquid, I manage to block it out, suppress my longings. It's like there's no connection between me and my darling any more.

Which makes me think. If it has been so easy to step back from my addiction, if the hold this substance has over me is not really as strong as I always thought, then maybe this abstinence should continue. Maybe...maybe I should give up Diet Coke for life.

I'm not committing to this yet.

This is a disturbing, depressing dream of mine...a life without Diet Coke.

But, perhaps I will get there.

Shrimp Nuggets

This week I decided I was going to try the Healthy Baked Chicken Nuggets from Skinny Taste. I am a big fan of the nugget, and when I looked at the recipe I was shocked to find I already had all the ingredients in my kitchen! That has never happened in my whole life! I felt so very domestic and adult.

I moved chicken from my freezer to my fridge on Tuesday to defrost, but when I took it out last night to start cooking, I noticed the date. January 20th.

And I know quite well that I did not buy the chicken this January. Which means that chicken had been languishing in my freezer for over a year. And my parents vetoed me eating it.

Because I am a problem solver, and far too lazy to you know, leave my house and go to the store and buy fresh chicken, I used shrimp instead.

And it was delicious. Plus, a point less per serving!

I'm a winner. Just not of a chicken dinner.

Quoting Kerouac

A Final Dose of Oscar Linkage

Okay, after this, I swear I'm done.

Maybe.

First, see my Jennifer get swarmed by her family after winning. So cute!

Now let's deal with some of the darker Oscar links.

Seth MacFarlane And The Oscars' Hostile, Ugly, Sexist Night

9 Sexist Things That Happened At The Oscars

Sexism Fatigue: When Seth MacFarlane Is A Complete Ass and You Don't Even Notice

Very interesting. I'm not sure I thoroughly agree with all the backlash but I do understand it. I definitely had my moments of "oh come ON!" during the broadcast, but knowing MacFarlane's humor I honestly expected it to be worse. One thing I didn't pick up on that someone pointed out to me was the fact that a lot of the scenes in the movies listed in the "We Saw Your Boobs" songs were, you know rape scenes. OH DEAR. 'Cause, yeah, let's totally point out how we saw dem famous actresses' tittays while they were being violated on screen 'cause that's hilaaaarious. Sigh. I mean, yes some of his schtick is satire, but it's such a fine line and when so much of your humor is anti-woman...yeah. I dunno. And yes, I feel dirty, dirty shame over finding him attractive, still. SHAME.

Quvenzhané Wallis, the C Word, and Our Loss of Innocence

The Only Oscar Gif You Need Starring Quvenzhané Wallis

This whole thing, just...ugh. She's NINE YEARS OLD, people. Do you remember what you were like when you were nine? Q has an amazing personality, tons of spunk and wit and charm, confidence and charisma and talent in spades, and people are trying to bring her down. I get the satirical intent by the Onion, but of course they took it way too far, because she's NINE. But what makes me sad is that there are plenty of people out there who would have made that comment without a trace of sarcasm. People are seriously chastising her for "showing her guns" when she was announced as a nominee when that was FROM THE FREAKING MOVIE, because people are awful. Look at the comments on that second link. UGH.

To end this on a brighter note, check out GoFugYourself and Tom and Lorenzo for some fashion commentary.

And let's watch Jennifer win and be adorable and gracious and charming and try to forget how people suck.

It's just food.

Some people live their whole lives with a completely healthy relationship with food. When they're hungry, they eat, stop when they're satisfied, and they choose things that are filling, tasty and nourishing. They indulge when they want to, eat reasonable amounts, and feel no guilt. Maybe sometimes they gain a few on vacation, or lose too many when they're stressed, but usually they're in balance.

I'm not one of those people. In case you didn't know that already.

Why is food such a goddamn problem for me, and so many people? IT'S JUST FUCKING FOOD. You buy it, you make it, you eat it. It's not complicated.

Except it is.

I can't speak for everyone in the world, obviously. I can only speak to myself and my own experiences and my own special flavor of crazy (which today is jalapeno cheddar Cheeto). But I have come up with a few reasons why I think food is such a big fucking deal.

Food Is Such A Big Fucking Deal Because...

1) Food is delicious. I mean, obviously.

2) Food is love. When I'm happy, I reward myself with food. When I'm sad, I comfort myself with food. When I'm stressed, food calms me down, when I'm angry, food soothes me, when I'm lonely, it keeps me company. All emotions somehow feel the same to me, like anxious hot energy in my core, and ever since I was a kid I've used food as a tool to process those emotions. It's an ingrained habit. I don't know how it started, I don't know why, maybe through therapy I'll figure it out and maybe I won't, but all that matters is that them's the facts. Food is love to me. Yes, it's delicious, but that is not the motivation that drives me to binge or ballooned me up to 200 pounds in the space of a few years. When I go through periods of depression or sadness or stress, I eat. I need to come up with new ways to deal with my shit. Hence, you know, therapy and drugs and yoga and trying to be happy and all that nonsense.

3) Food is morality. From a very young age, people are taught the difference between "good" and "bad". And it doesn't take long for us humans to start applying those moral concepts to everything, including our food and nutrition. How many times have you said something like, "Oh, this is so bad for me"? Something might be an unhealthy choice for you, but that doesn't make it bad or wrong or SATANIC, and you are not bad if you eat it. IT'S JUST FUCKING FOOD. But when you're eleven, twelve, thirteen years old, and society is giving you these messages about how this donut is A KITTEN KILLER, you can definitely pick up some warped views about how to eat. And they will stick with you, and screw with your mind and your body image and your mental health. To be quite honest with you, I literally do not know what it's like to eat like a normal person. Since I turned sixteen, gained a driver's license and the freedom to feed myself, I have had two modes: diet mode, and eat whatever the hell I want mode. Even now, while I'm doing really well, I am fighting feelings of guilt and shame when I eat. It's fucked up, yo.

4) Food is unavoidable. This is a common topic raised in Weight Watchers, therapy, etc. If you're an alcoholic, you can abstain from alcohol. If you're a gambling addict, you can avoid Vegas and the Super Bowl spread. But if you're a binge eater or an anorexic or just someone who has issues with nutrition and your body, you cannot avoid food entirely. You have to deal with your enemy every day. It's in your face. It's unavoidable. You cannot go cold turkey, at least not if you want to live. These past few weeks have been such a relief for me, because whatever weird anxiety I have surrounding food has subsided somewhat. Give credit to Big Pharma, 'cause I think my happy pills get that credit. I still have my moments, but overall the generalized panic I've endured for, you know, life, is kind of...gone? And that's kind of amazing.

"Welcome to the new age..."

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

When I'm 25

As you know, last week I took myself to see Amour a few blocks from my place. I wanted to be comfy, so what did I wear?

Pajamas.

Not yoga pants. No. I am talking full on, baggy, tugged into Uggs sweatpants paired with a sweatshirt down to my ass. It was cold, people! Not that this is really an excuse. And of course the guy who sold me popcorn was hot as shit.

My life.

I'm almost 25, people. I am, by any definition I find on the World Wide Web (and believe me, I have looked, oh I have looked), an adult. So maybe I should stop wearing pajamas in public.

Once this thought came to mind, I realized there are probably a whole mess of things I should stop doing once I hit my birthday. I mean, I'm graduating out of that coveted 18-24 demographic, moving on from my youth. I should probably abandon these childish habits.

Let us list.

When I'm 25 I will...

Stop wearing pajamas in public.
Throw out all my clothes with holes in them no matter how cute they are. (Unless it's a workout shirt, then it's okay right?)
Throw out all my underwear with holes, and also all my underwear that's too big but I wear it anyway 'cause I'm so full of class and ass.
Take better care of my skin and my teeth and my hair since I'm gonna have them till I die and I don't want them to start mutating in a zombie-like fashion.
Be better about plucking my eyebrows so I don't have a uni-brow when I meet my future husband/one night stand/baby daddy.
Put more effort into my appearance when I leave the house so I get treated better by the cops when I inevitably get arrested.
Put more effort into keeping up with my long distance friendships and family relationships.
Keep on using my time more productively so my brain doesn't start to leak out my ears from too much TV-watching.
Try to stop being such a judgy bear.
Try to stop being such a narcissist.
Try to keep my apartment in a presentable state on a day to day basis.
Try to keep my kitchen clean so I cook more and don't get ants GOD I HATE ANTS.
Just....try.

A Feline Problem

Problem: Your cat is pacing up and down your bed, squawking, kneading the mattress around your body, squawking, and making his displeasure known. Loudly. It is five AM. Clearly, he missed you while you were out of town.

Solution: You snatch the cat mid-squawk, shove him under the comforter, and wrap him in your arms. He will either a) immediately pass the fuck out because all he wanted was some snuggles or b) immediately start struggling to get away, but will cease his squawking once you let him go and then pass out on your feet.

Today he chose B.

That fucking cat.

But look at my cute innocent face!

Orange Country

A Weight PSA

There's something so nifty about technology.

Through the wonders of my blog's stats, I can track how people find my blog. Like, apparently someone found it the other day by Googling "how do I get rid of penis envy", which is hilarious.

But last night, someone using their Android phone, on a Verizon network, (I KNOW SO SPECIFIC BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING), searched "jlaw weight". Apparently I show up on the first page.

...really? REALLY?

Of course, this outrage is hypocrisy spewing out of my big ole booty (ew?),'cause I untaped my elephant and weighed myself today.

Shh. It made me very happy.

EVEN THOUGH THE NUMBER IS IRRELEPHANT.

Monday, February 25, 2013

A gentleman and a "lady".

I won't say which is which.

Maintaining My Crazy

This morning, I planned out when I wanted to go to yoga for the rest of the week. It included a class immediately after work today. I was buzzing with energy all morning, ready and anxious to get my vinyasa on.

Then this afternoon, I got a little bit of a stomach ache. Not a terrible one, but a little one. I often have stomach issues, so this wasn't particularly abnormal. But this, combined with a sudden desire to go home and watch all The Biggest Loser, put away all my clean laundry, and lay in bed and cuddle all the kitties (or just the one), led me to just NOT want to go. And then I started to fight with myself.

And I've been active the last three days. And I have three more days to get two more classes in. But I said I was going to go. So I should go, right? There was no reason not to go. I have the time. If I don't go that makes me lazy, right? Or maybe it fucking doesn't.

So I decided not to go. And I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. There's no need to, and it serves no purposes. Yoga is love, not hate.

I am maintaining my crazy so well.

GO ME.