Monday, November 12, 2012

Word Vomit

I keep intending to start a little "self-esteem" challenge for myself. It's been a few months in the making now, inspired by some of the Weight Watchers girls. I would put the effort in every day to do my hair and makeup, wear something cute, and feel good about myself. And take pictures to document, of course.

But I never do it. Because I don't feel good about myself at all, and apparently, I don't want to.

When I don't feel confident, I don't see the point in putting any effort into my appearance. It's not going to make anything better. I'll be just as much of a mess, except I'll look like I actually tried, and in my head people would look at me like, "Wow, look at that pathetic girl all painted up like she thinks she's attractive."

I never said I didn't have serious issues.

I feel absolutely grotesque today. Fat fat fatty fat fat. I finally feel and see the damage I've done to my body and my progress. The difference compared to where I was just a few weeks ago is undeniable and I feel nothing but self-hate and shame and pain and waaahhhh waaahhh waaaaaaaahhhhhh I'm such a whiny fucking baby

*slaps self*

I hate everything.

I want to erase the last four months and start over. Try as I might to just move past it, to just be like "okay this is where I am just deal with it", to move on and accept my mistakes, I can't stop myself from dwelling. If only I had just done this, or not done that, or changed this. I calculate the money I've wasted on a yoga membership I haven't been using, the money I've blown on fast food and take out, and I want to cry. Or I do cry. I can't stop beating myself up.

I know the fantasy of being thin is a lie. I know that. But it still fucks with  my brain. I spent six months getting such joy and pleasure out of sticking to the program and losing weight and moving forward, then I hit a wall where I realized I was still unhappy, so what was the goddamn point?

There's no point to this post, either. This is just a vent, a word explosion, a whine fest.

I wish it was a wine fest.

I guess I'm done.

I need a hug.


  1. I know you can get back on track and stick with it...we all hit those walls. I know it isn't easy to push through it, but you'll be able to do it. We're all here for you...even if it is from across the country!

    1. This was SO helpful when I was in my dark place. Thanks, Courtney!