Word Vomit

I keep intending to start a little "self-esteem" challenge for myself. It's been a few months in the making now, inspired by some of the Weight Watchers girls. I would put the effort in every day to do my hair and makeup, wear something cute, and feel good about myself. And take pictures to document, of course.

But I never do it. Because I don't feel good about myself at all, and apparently, I don't want to.

When I don't feel confident, I don't see the point in putting any effort into my appearance. It's not going to make anything better. I'll be just as much of a mess, except I'll look like I actually tried, and in my head people would look at me like, "Wow, look at that pathetic girl all painted up like she thinks she's attractive."

I never said I didn't have serious issues.

I feel absolutely grotesque today. Fat fat fatty fat fat. I finally feel and see the damage I've done to my body and my progress. The difference compared to where I was just a few weeks ago is undeniable and I feel nothing but self-hate and shame and pain and waaahhhh waaahhh waaaaaaaahhhhhh I'm such a whiny fucking baby. 

*slaps self*

I hate everything.

I want to erase the last four months and start over. Try as I might to just move past it, to just be like "okay this is where I am just deal with it", to move on and accept my mistakes, I can't stop myself from dwelling. If only I had just done this, or not done that, or changed this. I calculate the money I've wasted on a yoga membership I haven't been using, the money I've blown on fast food and take out, and I want to cry. Or I do cry. I can't stop beating myself up.

I know the fantasy of being thin is a lie. I know that. But it still fucks with  my brain. I spent six months getting such joy and pleasure out of sticking to the program and losing weight and moving forward, then I hit a wall where I realized I was still unhappy, so what was the goddamn point?

There's no point to this post, either. This is just a vent, a word explosion, a whine fest.

I wish it was a wine fest.

I guess I'm done.

I need a hug.