Monday, November 5, 2012

PSA (Penis Service Announcement)

I have complained to you all before about the rather pathetic emails a single girl receives whilst Internet dating. Short messages, rude messages, indecipherable messages, confusing messages. I have yet to receive an unsolicited dick pic but I'm sure one is on its way (fingers crossed). It's pretty easy to dig through my inbox most of the time, the vast majority of emails I get are automatic "no thank you please delete after copying for future blog mocking of course".

Now, it's time I discuss something far more sinister. Are you comfortable? Anyone need a bathroom break? Snack?


Sometimes a guy sends you a nice long missive, and it starts off great. They reference something specific in your profile, they use the right "your", they resist the urge to use too much of this!!!! You click over to their page before finishing the message and find them to be cute, and employed, with a reasonably high match percentage. No red flags yet. You go back to the email, finish reading, and find yourself stuck on a line like this:

"You sound like a really cool gal (one that actually happens to BE funny, which is rare among females these days)"



Okay, you know what's NOT sexy, dudes? SEXISM!

"BUT WAIT!" You insist. "That's not sexist! Stop getting your panties in a twist, you feminist bitch! Learn to take a damn compliment!"


It is not a compliment to insult the entirety of the female tribe in attempts to boost one of them up. I don't know who's been spreading this rumor, but it is a big fat lie. And I know fat. (The only compliment along these lines that is acceptable to me is "You're not like most girls", and only in very specific situations, and only if the implication is not "OTHER GIRLS SUCK".) It's like declaring "you're kind of good looking, for an ITALIAN", or "you're actually not that stupid considering you're from NEW JERSEY".

"Women, they're just so dumb, with their aprons and their ovaries, and they're really not funny, 'cause they don't have brains. But YOU. You are special. IT'S LIKE YOU ARE TOO AWESOME TO BE FEMALE. BECAUSE LADIES SUCK."

Maybe this is an attempt at "negging", one of the ever-so-brilliant pick-up tactics described in Neil Strauss's "The Game". If you give a girl a bit of a back-handed compliment, she instinctively craves your approval and will suck your dick. Or something. I think that's the general premise. Basically, we're all such fragile, insecure little flowers, we're easily manipulated by the judgy opinions of a random dude in a bar. Or on the Internet. Insult us and we are yours. 

Now, I'm not assuming that all the guys who thoughtlessly toss comments around like this one are total, blatant misogynists. They're merely subtle misogynists. They're probably the kind of guys who say they're "nice guys" who can't catch a break and complain about "the friend zone". Their misogyny is ingrained, built into the framework of their very beings, a natural result of their born privilege and they probably don't even realize it's there. I'm sure these guys are really polite to all their girlfriends and their grandmas and whatnot, and maybe they even consider themselves feminists.

But you know what? They're not. They're not, because they classify the females as one entity, ascribe a stereotypical identity to it, and if you demonstrate any positive characteristic that falls outside of the bell curve of what "most girls" are like according to these tiny little pea brains, then you are SPECIAL.You are like a MAN practically. And you should feel so flattered that you've been chosen to be removed from the box of vagina-having. "Thank you so much for declaring me better than a woman."

And you can't be more than one positive thing, you know. If you're pretty, you're not smart. And if you're smart, you're probably fat. And if you're talented, you're probably a bitch, and regardless of any other facets of your personality, if you're a lady, you're definitely not funny. 

Funny is for men.

Tragically, one of my lovers, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, made this mistake a few months ago and got called out on it, as well he should have. His comment killed my buzz for him, just a little bit. It doesn't matter how fucking hot and talented and adorably nerdy you are, sexism is not sexy.

So here's your PSA, guys:

Check yoselves, before you wreck yoselves.


  1. I can totally relate. I have been astonished and disgusted by the number of men who answer the "Who is smarter" okcupid question with "Men." REALLY?! So offensive and a total deal-breaker ...I definitely answered that women are way smarter though....reverse sexism. Oh well.

    1. Ugh, right? There's some horrifying misogyny out there.

      Meh, reverse sexism, reverse schmexism. You can't be discriminated against when you're the dominant group, if you haven't been oppressed you don't have much to complain about, right?!