I'm a potential stalker.

Facebook can be both a glorious, useful resource, and an emotionally damaging tease.

It's glorious because it gives you the opportunity to creep on people from your past, find out what they're up to, and compare your life to theirs. It's damaging because usually your life comes up short, as most people only broadcast their best accomplishments and most flattering pics. What's that quote, "don't compare your 'behind the scenes' to someone else's 'highlight reel'"? Yeah, that's about Facebook. 

And too, FB shows you all these life alternatives. Paths you didn't take, choices you didn't make. Friends living lives that could have been yours. Couples getting engaged and shit. And you get the opportunity to become obsessed with people you don't really know.

For example: There's this boy I used to pal around with in middle school. He was an awkward child, but so was I, so you know...whatever. We were friendly through freshman year of high school, when he had a big crush on my friend and I gave him a plethora of dating advice, then once I moved away from the Bay Area we lost touch. Until the explosion of social media, of course, and then we became total FB friends. Who never talk. He lives up north still, for the record.

Also for the record: this boy has grown up to be delicious.

First of all, he has really really sexy tattoos. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a bad tattoo (except maybe, you know, being a racist?), but a good tattoo definitely bumps you up at least a point or two on the hotness scale. And he's a musician, plus he works for a big tech company, so he is both creative and able to offer me the luxurious lifestyle I desire. (Diamonds and cocaine, obviously.) Basically, this dude is totally my type, and I would very much like to orchestrate some sort of reunion with his fine ass.

But I mean, how do you even do that? Send an awkward message, "Oh hello sir, remember me? I'll be randomly in your area and I would like to meet for a drink. So I can lick your ink." I feel like that would probably work out in my favor, but maybe not in the way I'd prefer. But I guess, being direct is usually best.

I wish more guys were prone to over-sharing on Facebook like a lot of girls are. I could go visit my sister in San Francisco, stalk this dude's profile to find out where he plans to appear that evening, track his adorable face down and make out with it.

This post is really creepy, isn't it?

Oh well.