It all comes down to control.
Eating disorders (or in my case, simply disordered eating, though I would say binge eating disorder is probable) find their roots in a lot of different things, and I'd never go so far as to assume they all start out the same way. But I would posit that the common thread throughout many of their manifestations is control. Wanting it, needing it, hating it, fearing it. It's not all about how you want to look or how delicious food is or your lack of willpower or body dysmorphia or laziness---though those things are certainly part of it.
It's about control. Feeling like your life is unbalanced, and wanting to have power over something. Or, the opposite, feeling like everything in your life is so structured that you need to break free and let go and do...whatever. Or feeling so lost and hopeless you don't even feel like you have a choice.
My eating issues are a hot mess of control hang-ups. When I'm happy, I can be healthy, and make the right choices for my life. I feel fulfilled by doing what I know is good for me. But when things start to shift off balance in my universe, when I'm faced with high expectations or crushing disappointment or excessive stress or hey, a particularly cranky Tuesday, when I feel like things just aren't going my way and I want to stamp my feet like a petulant five year old, I just...lose it. I suddenly feel so powerless in my life that I abuse my body in a way I can control. I then try to control my binge tendencies which makes them worse. That lack of control over my own actions infuriates me and it all spirals from there. Whatever fragile thread I have as a leash on my wild control beast breaks, and I go on this weird autopilot. I can consciously consider my decisions and talk myself out of them and think of all my goals and motivations and the "why not" but the part of my brain that controls my body doesn't listen, and then I'm...you know.
A crazy person.
I haven't worked out yet how I'm supposed to fix all this bullshit in my head and heart, but isn't acknowledging it the first and most important step? Pretty sure I read that somewhere, you know, on the Internet where I do all my important research. All I can do for now is observe myself and where I go wrong, try to reign it in and find what thoughts and emotions are triggers for me, and do my best to keep myself under wraps. And keep going to therapy. And accept that this is going to continue to be a rough and long process, and not rush myself. And just...let go.