The Link Trap

Come my fellow Internetters, join me, fall into the link trap...


The 35 Greatest Animal Photobombers of All Time

Luuuulz. Tree loves to peek his head into pictures. Such a camera whore.

Girl comes out to parents with help from a cake

This is just darn cute. I'm so glad this girl has such supportive parents. Thought, it makes sense if she grew up with that sense of humor and creativity, her parents are probably pretty awesome people.

Your Afternoon Cry: Internet Successfully Saves 'Gay' Dog

This article brings two completely contradicting thoughts to mind: people are fucking awful, and people are fucking awesome.

Applebee’s fires waitress who posted receipt from pastor complaining about auto-tip

I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, fuck that pastor and their bullshit god-fearin'. On the other, yeah, probably shouldn't post receipts from work with personal info online...The pastor apologized here.

And via Buzzfeed again I bring you your daily dose of adorable.

Favorite Songs: "The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us!"

Reasons That I Rock

This list is incomplete.

Obviously.

*I can spell tchotchkes on the first try.
*I can name all 50 states in alphabetical order.
*I have an impressive collection of Beanie Babies in my parents' garage.
*I also have Buffy The Vampire Slayer action figures.
*I know how to swear in French. Merde.
*I know how to count to ten in THREE languages. Yes, one of them is English.
*I once saved a puppy from drowning.
*I can put both feet behind my head.
*I can wiggle my ears.
*I can arch one eyebrow. Just one.
*I often evade traffic through a carefully plotted series of alleys and parking lots.
*I speak fluent Cat.
*I laugh loud and often.
*I only need to hear a song a few times before I can sing all (most) of the words.
*I have a pretty big heart. Metaphorically speaking.
*I'm incredibly easily entertained, simple creature that I am.
*I have tons of recommendations for books, movies and music. Try me.
*I have a few adorably and inappropriately placed moles.
*I'm smarter than your average bear.
*I'm so humble.

Scenes from collegiate life...

(I'm in my neighbor's bedroom, comparing the size of our boobs. As you do, when you're eighteen.)

Her: I want your boobs!

Me: No, yours are perfect!

Her: You have like, four handfuls, it's crazy.

Me: But you have a good solid handful!

(A guy friend is walking by the open door and pokes his head in.)

Him: More than a handful is a waste!

Brain Freeze

I really need to start carrying a little moleskin notebook around in my purse like a pretentious poet or ironic hipster. I sweat to you I've thought of half a dozen different post ideas over the last few days and I think to myself, "That's a good idea!" and then once I actually sit down at my computer I totally forget what my idea was. Brain freeze.

Harrumph.

In related news, I am slowly paring down the draft folder on my blog. It usually hovers around 40-45 and I have it down to 30. That's mighty impressive, I have to say. If you;re curious, any time there's a random post that's super long with lots of gifs, I've probably been working on it for weeks.

I guess this has become a blog admin post. Well, that's nice! Always good to check in.

HELLO FRIENDS.

Notes:

1) Averaging 4-5 posts this month, which has been my standard for the last few. I'm pretty impressed with myself. I'm just so awesome.
2) Also, quite egotistical, no?
3) I really want to start writing more posts that stand on their own, as opposed to just constantly talking about myself. Not that I'm not fascinating. But you know...I should write about, you know...the world. Or shit like that.
4) I also need to get back to my fashion posts. I just haven't, well...wanted to take pictures of myself.
5) So stay tuned! Exciting things to come...like gifs.

Inner Peace

How To Pet

The second in my apparent series of posts about cat massage, I bring you...

However, this does not apply to my Bentley, because my Bentley rejects his cat identity and likes to be pet on his hips and tummy and occasionally his feet. Growing up around dogs will do that to you.

In other animal massage news, apparently LA features a business called the Rainbow Pet Spa. I saw their van in traffic today.

Oh dear. Honestly, I'm not even sure if they're joking.

Puppy Bowl Puppy Cam

Dead.

From

Cute.

Free live streaming by Ustream

"I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts..."

Explore LA #1: Beverly Hills

One of my resolutions for the year was to "explore somewhere new in LA" every month. I've kind of already failed, because I'm amending my resolution and it's only the first month. I've decided the place doesn't have to be "new"...'cause there just aren't that many new places for me to go, you know? And I'm lazy. So the edited goal is "explore a different place in LA every month and post pictures". Easy peasy.

Today, I have for you...Beverly Hills! 90210! Lamborghinis and Rolls Royces! Chanel bags everywhere! Lots of Botox! Clean streets! Diagonal crosswalks! The list goes on.

I definitely don't belong in Beverly Hills. But whenever I happen to be there, strutting down Rodeo, I like to pretend I'm famous. It's pretty easy when everything around you is so very fancy.

Okay, I'll confess: I did not go to BH for the express purpose of exploring for this post. I happened to be there for an appointment (twice). And the second time, today, I intended to stroll for awhile and take pics, but my appointment started 45 minutes late, so by the time I was done I had to rush back to work. So, yeah, this month is still kind of a resolution fail, and these pictures suck but you know what? I no curr. Except I do, and I'll go back to BH in a few weeks and take more/better pictures. Okay? OKAY!

Things I did today instead of posting.

I've been so absent today. I sowwy.

But I have excuses! I swear!

I have been...

*Working. I KNOW RIGHT.
*Sitting in a stupid meeting.
*Being condescended to with the question, "do you know how to attach a document to an email?" DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT?
*Spilling water all over myself, just like every day.
*Driving to Beverly Hills, talking to a psychiatrist, and getting prescribed drugs.
*Putting away hundred of dollars worth of groceries that I will. Not. Eat.
*Plotting world domination.

SBIFF Virtuoso Awards 2013

There are a lot of things to love about Santa Barbara. Even if you take the weather, the views, and that sparkling blue ocean off the table, it's still a pretty darn awesome place for more reasons than I can list. But one of them is that, as smaller towns often do, SB has a bunch of annual celebrations like Solstice or Fiesta, which of course all the locals complain about.

But not meeeee. I like festivals. I love the energy and excitement. And, you know, I don't live there, so they don't affect my daily life. And I especially like Santa Barbara's International Film Festival, which began last week and is celebrating its 28th year.

Since I first moved to SB when I was 15, I've done something for the film festival almost every year. My first year, I waited on the red carpet and shook Leonardo DiCaprio's hand and got him to sign my program, and I attended Kevin Bacon's afterparty where he winked at me, giving me something I brag about to this day. A couple of years ago my parents actually won platinum passes to the festival, which get you into every event and party for an exorbitant amount of money. That was good times.

This year, there were only a few events that I really wanted to attend, the first of which was last night. Yes, I left work at lunch, drove up to SB for dinner and a show, then drove back, crawling into bed with Tree at midnight.

Worth it!

The event was the Virtuoso Awards, which honors the year's "standout" performances. The honorees were Ann Dowd from Compliance, Elle Fanning from Ginger & Rosa, Ezra Miller from The Perks of Being A Wallflower, Eddie Redmayne from Les Miserables, Omar Sy from The Intouchables, and Quvenzhane Wallis from Beasts of the Southern Wild.

I've attended this event in the past, and this was the best one by far. Every single one of the guests was clearly thrilled to be there, funny and charming, and my mama and I were thoroughly entertained.

Ann Dowd was incredibly hilarious and self-deprecating, as the oldest honoree she mercilessly teased the host for commenting on her "toiling for decades" before getting this sort of recognition. The film looks disturbing and fascinating, and I definitely plan to see it.

Elle Fanning was adorable and sweet, and I was seriously stunned by the clip they showed from her film. She is insanely talented. Funny, I was standing at will call when a car pulled up behind me and I glance over my shoulder and see blonde hair and think, "Who is this bitch getting her car to go around the barricade? Rude." Oh, whoops, that's Elle Fanning...

Ezra Miller was pretty darn funny too, and I was expecting to be irritated by him. Based on what I've heard/read he is a very smart young man who knows he's very smart and takes every opportunity to be pretentious. But on stage he was personable and clever. He made a funny joke about how Omar and Eddie have sexier voices than he does. I still really want to see The Perks of Being A Wallflower, I read the book when I was younger and loved it.

Eddie Redmayne earned himself a place on my fuckable list. I'm sure he's more excited about that honor than the one he was receiving. He sat on his feet, just like I do, which instantly endeared him to me, and he was just sweet and witty in that ever so British way. Waaant.

Omar Sy was the main reason I wanted to attend this event. He was absolutely amazing in that incredible film, and I was so happy that he was being recognized for it. He was clearly thrilled to be there, and while his English isn't perfect he managed to crack a few great jokes. Gorgeous, gorgeous man.

As great as all the other guests were during their one-on-one interviews, Quvenzhane Wallis absolutely stole the show. Nine years old, with  more sass and personality in her pinkie than I have in my whole body. I wish I had written down half the things she said, she was just a riot. Adorable. I wanted to put her in my pocket.

 So. Much. Fun.

I was supposed to go to Leonardo DiCaprio (again!) on Friday, but the jerk cancelled. So I will be attending the Women's Panel on Saturday, then Jennifer Lawrence on Saturday night.

Yeah, you heard me. My girl crush. WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!

White Wednesday

Things I will do to avoid spending money.

After my Christmas generosity and too many months of spending too much cash on take-out and fast food...I'm sorta, kinda, not really kinda more like actually, broke. 

So, I cut corners in the following ways. 

• Take a half a roll of toilet paper from the work bathroom, hide it under my sweater, and scuttle back to my desk all stealthy-like. (Also applies to restaurants, retail stores and movie theaters.)
• Make a mess of plain chicken, broccoli, and Laughing Cow cheese for dinner---surprisingly tasty.
• Re-use a sweaty yoga towel so I don't have to waste quarters on laundry. 
• Turn down a social invite so I don't have to buy gas.
• Eat tuna three days in a row.
• Let my floors get disgustingly dirty 'cause I'm out of Swiffer wet wipes.
• Use Kleenex as paper towel and wonder why it doesn't work.
• Sleep on sheets with a giant rip up the middle 'cause I can't buy new ones.
• Put Fat Bentley on a diet. 

Link It Up

Les Mean Girls

Courtesy of the BFF, Mean Girls meets Les Miserables. GENIUS.

If Pop Stars Were Birds These Are The Birds They'd Be

Heh. Fairly self-explanatory.

Tina Fey confirms plans to adapt 'Mean Girls' musical

What? WHAT?! WAAAAAT?!?!?11?1!!? First a Spice Girls musical, now THIS? It's like someone up there loves me.

25 Things Cats Are Secretly Obsessed With

Oh Buzzfeed, it's like you were made JUST FOR ME.

"Cats enjoy a robust salad because secretly 
most cats hate themselves. They like 
to pretend that salad is food, and that
 their tears are tears of joy."

And via Jezebel I bring you...dogs. On treadmills.

On The Radar

I got into a fascinating discussion with a friend the other day that almost became a "girltalk texts" post. But I realized I had more thoughts to share, as I usually do, and thus: a ramble.

Our thesis is this: men have a radar for clingy just like women have a radar for creepy.

Get it? Doesn't that make a whole lot of sense?

As a lady myself I can say from experience, with most guys, it's obvious right off the bat.

There's a vibe you get, a gut feeling; there's a shiftiness in their posture or an instability in their gaze that signals immediately, without question, "I am creepy." Sometimes they're perfectly nice otherwise. They may have a big kind heart, the best of intentions, no dead squirrels posed above their bed, no stack of over the top fetish porn lovingly cataloged by size of breast, who knows.  But you can just tell, from the slightly uneasy feeling you get in your core when they look at you a little too intently....creeper.

Usually, we can sense this creepiness immediately. I myself can pick out a creep just based on a photograph, so finely tuned is my radar. But then there's the other kind. The stealth breed. The ones that seem normal, at first. Maybe they've practiced. Maybe they're just a sociopath. But their creepiness doesn't emerge for awhile, it's suppressed through the first date, maybe the second, and is only unleashed once you actually start to like the dude. And then, BAM. Creepy. An affinity for stuffed animals arranged alphabetically by their Christian name, an entirely too close relationship with his mother, suppressed rage at his elementary school teacher who humiliated him. Very disturbing.

Obviously, my lack of dick limits my insight into the male side of this discussion, but I'll give it a go.

If women are most turned off by that slight "off" vibe that signals a guy is not trustworthy, then guys are similarly turned off by the vibe that a girl is desperate. We all have that girl friend who is gorgeous and smart and funny, and yet can't seem to get past the first or second date. Why? 'Cause every guy senses that your friend, as wonderful as she may be, wants herself a damn boyfriend, and she does. Not. Care. WHO.

Ways dudes pick up on this desperation:

*A text immediately after the date ends. Doesn't matter the content, but if a guy has three texts from someone on his phone before he even gets home from the date, his radar will be pinging.

*Making future plans before you've even ordered dessert.

*Giving him a nickname.

*Talking about all the failed dates you've been on this month.

*Talking about your friends' husbands ad infinitum.

*Proposing.

Most guys will run screaming in the other direction at the slightest hint of clingy. Doesn't matter how hot the clinger is, most men get that signal on their radar and they immediately flee, just like I flee from a creeper. 

And there you have it. Our thesis.

Do you agree?

"We'll be laughing with our bellies full..."

Workout Buddies

Butterfly Syndrome

It's just too easy to get caught in the trap of blaming everything on your weight, or anticipating everything being perfect once you lose it. I've written about the fantasy of being thin before, and despite the fact that I am a well-educated, somewhat intelligent human being, I still can't totally shake this way of thinking.

I know that a huge part of the reason that I fell off track six months ago was because I had worked so hard for so long, had reached a place that I'd originally seen as my goal, and was still terribly unhappy. I had constructed a subconscious fantasy of how things would be when I reached that point, and it wasn't even close. I'd spent so long finding joy only in the process of losing weight, I didn't know what to do when I lost that drive. I ran face first into a brick wall spray painted with, "WHAT'S THE GODDAMN POINT?!" And I had no answer.

I've been doing so well the last week or so, and yet I still have moments where I catch my brain falling into these destructive patterns.

"If I hadn't gained back 20 pounds, I'd be so much happier now. I'd already be at goal and everything would be better. If I was x weight, I'd have a new job already. If I was y pounds, I'd be more social. I wish I was thinner for this event. I hope I'm thinner for the next one. Then I'll have more fun."

ENOUGH ALREADY.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, BRAIN.

My happiness, my success, my inner peace, has nothing to do with my size. The inside changes independently of the outside. I will be no happier 20, 30, 40 pounds lighter, unless that happiness comes from within. Things will not be easier, simpler, or better, but they will be different because I will be different.

I will be a beautiful goddamn butterfly. On the inside, where it counts. 

"Excuse me. I must rub on your face."

Book List 2013

Each year for the past three or so, I've set the goal of reading 50 books over the course of the year.

I have yet to achieve said goal.

I'm an incredibly fast reader, and can put down a 250 page book in one night. And I love to read, if I'm in the mood I'll do nothing but for an entire week until my neck cramps up and my fingers are shredded with paper cuts. (Yeah, not really, but it sounded good..) I have a big fat overfilled bookcase full of stories I haven't read yet. And now I have my shiny new Kindle.

The problem is, I'm not always in the mood. It's just so much easier to flip on my boyfriend, the ever so handsome Roku Box, and pound out some TV shows, or set up a playlist and spend an hour on Jezebel. Or just...lounge.

Last year, I swore I was totally doing it. Reading up a storm. But...not so much.

This year though...yes. OH YES. IT IS ON.

Granted, January is almost over and I'm not quite on track, which would be 4ish books a month. But it's okay. I'll catch up!

Thus far I have read...

1. "What We Do For Love" by Ilene Beckerman
2. "On My Own Two Feet: A Modern Girl's Guide to Personal Finance" by Manisha Thakor and Sharon Kedar
3. "My Booky-Wook: A Memoir of Sex, Drugs and Stand-Up" by Russell Brand
4. "The Body Finder" by Kimberly Derting (in progress)

So, yeah, I'm behind. But I'll get there.

Any recommendations for me?

Dangerous Curves Ahead

Perhaps this post may be a bit NSFW if your boss has a problem with hot bodies in bikinis.

If not, carry on.

Actually, wait, one more thing:

I don't subscribe to the idea of "thinspo" or "thinspiration". For years I'd try to motivate myself by making my computer wallpaper a collage of skinny little minnies, or taping pictures of Victoria's Secret models to my mirror. Even up through last year I'd still pin pictures of hot chicks with a thigh gap. But you know, all that worship of an ideal does is make you feel bad about yourself, because for most of us normal people, we're never going to have a six pack, biceps and an air-brushed ass.

I'm never going to look like this. But if I work hard, eat right, and embrace my natural curves, maybe one day I'll look like one of this gorgeous, healthy, bodacious babes.

Random Facts About Me And Tree

I figure after nearly a year of blogging, you all know quite a bit of shit about me. For instance:

*I'm lazy as fuck.
*I complain a lot.
*I really like Cheetos.
*And pancakes.
*I'm obsessed with my cat.

And you know a lot about that cat too, don't you?

*He's gay.
*And needy.
*And bitey.
*And loves to snuggle.
*And also loves Cheetos.

But, there are always more facts to be shared, closer bonds to build. If we're all gonna be BIFFs (Best Internet Friends FOREVER), there should be no secrets between us. And so I present, some more fascinating facts about me and the Tree.

I believe his face is saying: put me DOWN!

*I suffer from trypophobia, as does my sister, ever since we were kids. For years we just called it "the dotty thing" until I finally looked it up in college and found out it is a real thing and we are not crazy. (Well, we are, but not for this reason.) Basically trypophobia is "fear of holes", but that's not really it. I'm not afraid of holes. But when I see clusters of holes or dots, in just the right size and pattern, it gives me a horrible, visceral reaction. I feel physically ill, itchy, nauseous, disturbed, shivery, anxious. DO NOT LIKE. Not all the examples given in the link above bother me, I'm fine with bubbles and coral and condensation and poppyseeds. The dots can't be too big or too small, too close together or not enough, they just have to be perfectly positioned to FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT. A lot of times, it's something INSIDE the dots that gets to me. I do not like lotus pods. I do not like looking at cells. I do not like the backs of the leaves that were outside our condo in Hawaii when we were kids that LITERALLY MADE ME SCREAM. When I saw "lotus boob" (Google at your own risk, I'm not linking to that shit), I felt ill for DAYS. I also do not like the design around "showstopper" on the guy's lower back in this video. I fucking love that song, I love that video, but those motherfucking dots are stuck in my head and now when I listen to the song I get the dotty-feeling and it is HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE.

*When Bentley is mad at me, he makes it very well known. In the past he has pooped in front of my face while I slept to communicate his displeasure at being abandoned for a night, and he has gone to his litter box and peed out the door, on my floor when I have stopped petting him. His most hilarious method of communication, however, has gone by the wayside, 'cause he can't get up on the counters in my apartment. But for years, when he was mad at me for whatever reason, he would turn on the water faucets. Yes, they'd be on when the family came home from a day out, or he'd turn them on at 4AM to force me out of bed. Have you ever seen a cat turn on a water faucet? It's impressive.

*I won a writing contest when I was thirteen. $100 and my picture in the paper. Yeah, you feel grateful that you get to read my blog now, don't you? DON'T YOU?

*Bentley was the only non-gray kitty in his litter. They were all jealous of his luxurious coat and raccoon tail.

*I still fit into shoes I had in fifth grade.

*Mr. Tree has always wanted to be an outdoor kitty, but whenever he escapes into the great unknown, he is terrified and can't wait to get back inside. He makes noises like he's possessed by the Devil and speaks in tongues. It's disturbingly hilarious.

*When I was fourteen months old I was running around the house with a mug of cheese and crackers. I tripped, dropped and broke the mug, and slammed my left arm down onto the broken ceramic. I severed the main artery in my wrist and nearly cut my tendon. I have a nifty scar that, to me, is just a normal part of my body that I barely notice 'cause I've had it ever since I can remember. But sometimes people see it and get really quite and go, "Did you...try to kill yourself?" That's a bit personal, don't you think? No, I was not a suicidal toddler.

*Bentley does not like toys. He's not a dog. The only things he has ever played with are things like the wrapper off a Snapple or hair ties. He has no interest in anything that you paid money for him to play with. That's childish.

*Both the kitty and I love nothing more than snuggling in bed. Wait...you already knew that.